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LordCOVID Monkey

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Everything posted by LordCOVID Monkey

  1. I don't get it. Which one is supposed to be the "good ending"? Because they all look like BAD ENDINGS to me.
  2. Rats! I was gonna post an all new, thrilling TF2 Update Idea to celebrate Valentine's Day, but on account of the forums dying and my own laziness, I reckon I'll have to DELAY it. On the plus side, this makes it feel more authentic when compared to actual TF2 updates! Stay tuned, pals!

    1. TheOnlyGuyEver

      TheOnlyGuyEver

      But there was an ACTUAL TF2 update today.

  3. Why, it's a pre-Valentine's Day miracle! Whoopie!!
  4. All the better to hear you with, my dear!
  5. LordCOVID Monkey

    Doodles on my mediocre drawing tablet

    I do not like him because he done do'd a dab.
  6. LordCOVID Monkey

    A Blast From The Past: The Snake Update!

    Yes! It's hard to believe that this classic is almost three years old! That is a cute snake.
  7. Heya, pals. It would seem that I’ve taken up a great task, and I’ll be tiering something ONCE AGAIN! Only this time, I’m stepping out of my comfort zone, and discussing something that's NOT-TOUHOU. Yikes! This has the potential to get real nasty! But never fear, because when a list is as indisputable as this, there is no room for argument! I present to you all, THE DEFINITIVE 100% ORANGE JUICE TIER LIST!

     

    The DEFINITIVE 100% Orange Juice Tier List!

    Spoiler

     

    10. Sunny D

    This isn’t really orange juice as much as it is fermented cat piss, but it makes the cut. It didn’t really have much to compete with, though.

     

    sunny-dont.jpg
     

    9. Minute Maid

    Maids shouldn’t be making me juice. They should be making my bed.

     

    category-OJHero.png
     

    8. Dole

    Very DOLE in flavor. Please stick to pineapple juice and the Enchanted Tiki Room, Dole!

     

    s0554897_sc7?$splssku$
     

    7. Simply Orange

    Pretty lackluster if I do say so myself. The other flavors of “Simply” rank much higher, so there’s no need for this stuff.

     

    lead_large.png?1473195324

     

    6. Sunkist

    I didn’t know they made orange juice, but they make a pretty decent orange soda. But it doesn’t have anything on Fanta, so I can only assume that their orange juice is also second-rate.

     

    013134170433_1433919168334.jpg

     

    5. Florida’s Natural

    Florida is pretty much one of the worst states in the US. But their juice is far from the worst!

    floridas-natural-orange-juice-most-pulp.png

    4. Tropicana

    At the time of writing this, this is the only kind of orange juice I had in the fridge for “The Official Taste Test”. It was alright, I guess. Coulda been better.

    d6d8405f-2e2e-4341-a99a-51254da6396c_1.a10ddefff768c7d96dfe0ca2b67bbef9.jpeg?odnHeight=450&odnWidth=450&odnBg=FFFFFF

     

    3. Ocean Spray

    Has the gall to claim that it is, in fact, 100% Orange Juice. Good for them.

    original-289.jpeg

     

    2. Delsym

    Tastes good and is good for you. Mmm, mmm! Good!

    811XmqGV3SL._SY355_.jpg

    1. Straight From the Source

    The only true 100% orange juice. All these other juices are 100% sugar, but this! This is true, 100% orange juice!

     

    Titanium-Straw-In-Orange.jpg


     

    There you have it! 100% Orange Juice, thoroughly ranked in a proper, competent tier! Please remember to be considerate of my feelings, for I am only the messenger of objective fact! If you find yourself disagreeing with this list, then I’ve got news for you…!

    Spoiler

    fuck you!

     

    1. LordCOVID Monkey

      LordCOVID Monkey

      But, if you were to drink the orange juice straight from.the source... BLAMMO! 100% Orange Juice with pulp!

    2. TheOnlyGuyEver

      TheOnlyGuyEver

      Yes, I have orange trees.

    3. LordCOVID Monkey

      LordCOVID Monkey

      Well then, you're 100% COOL!

    4. Show next comments  15 more
  8. It's not the AIDS Monkey 2hu Ratings List. It's the DEFINITIVE Top Touhou List, meaning that it's pretty much official. (I used a highly sophisticated method to figure this stuff out.) Plus, your list is incorrect, because if it were based off of the DEFINITIVE Top Touhou List, I'd be number 5, silly goose. (Also, I'm under the implication you never assigned a SPUF fella to Shizuha! Shame on you.)
  9. Hello friends! I return again to post one last bit of weeb stuff! Since I posted the BEST 25 Touhou Tier, I figured it was necessary that I posted the more controversial counterpart... The DEFINITIVE Touhou Top 25: Worst Edition! Please keep in mind that this list is, once again, objective, so don't hate on me if you don't like it! Hate on your own terrible taste!

     

    The DEFINITIVE Touhou Top 25: Worst Edition!

    Spoiler

    25: Captain Murasa

    She bullies the boating Toohoos, like Komachi and Futo! And I like Komachi and Futo!

     

     

    24: Shizuha Aki

    I like her, I really do. The thing is, nobody else does.

     

     

    23: Flandre Scarlet

    Her theme isn’t even that great, guys. And Remilia is the better of the sisters, anyway!

     

     

    22: Ran Yakumo

    She isn’t here just to tick off a certain somebody… The thing is, I REALLY don’t like cat girls!

     

     

    21: Satono Nishida

    I don’t even know what to say about her, that’s how little I care.

     

     

    20: Jo’on Yorigami

    The first time I saw her I thought she had a mole on her face, and I thought it was the most perfect thing. Needless to say, I was disappointed when I found out she didn’t have a mole.

     

     

    19: Alice Margatroid

    Still lives in her mother’s basement and plays with dolls. What a goddamn loser.

     

     

    18: Medicine Melancholy

    Still lives in her mother’s basement and plays with herself. What a goddamn loser.

     

     

    17: Nazrin

    She’s just a silly little Chen knockoff!

     

     

    16: Seiran

    I hate these damn rabbits.

     

     

    15: Tewi Inaba

    Seriously, I hate them.

     

     

    14: Ringo

    These rabbits need to go! (Except for Reisen, because she is a badass!)

     

     

    13: Kogasa Tatara

    I accidentally put her here. I love Kogasa, and she could kick Yukari and Yuuka’s ass anyday. They carry umbrellas... BUT THIS BITCH IS AN UMBRELLA!

     

     

    12: Sakuya Izayoi

    She needs to stop bullying Meiling.

     

     

    11: Chiyuri Kitashirakawa

    She dabbed.

    257px-Th03Chiyuri.png

     

     

    10: Iku Nagae

    Tenshi was gonna be here again, but she can’t be 10th best and worst. So here’s Iku. She’s like the bad version of Tenshi.

     

     

    9: Cirno

    If I hear another nine joke, I might just scream!

     

     

    8: Seija Kijin

    Seija is one of those “love to hate” characters, so it was inevitable she’d appear on a worst toohoo tier list.

     

     

    7: The Three Mischievous Fairies

    It only seems fair that I put a trio on this list like it did with the best Toohoos list. But unlike the Prismriver Sisters, these guys have no redeeming qualities.

     

     

    6: Hatate Himekaidou

    Discount Aya!

     

     

    5: Okina Matara

    She’s cute and all, until you realize that she’s just Junko’s reject sister! That being said, I still love her theme, despite it just being a messy mash-up of past themes. Heck, is anything about her original?!

     

     

    4: Suika Ibuki

    Like a way less cool version of Yuugi. Who also happens to be a loli.

     

     

    3: Not-Benben

    I can’t even remember her name. Not for the life of me.

     

     

    2: Reimu Hakurei

    An absolutely despicable character. She goes around bullying innocent Toohoos, and doesn’t even apologize! She’s also a dirty cheater who makes rules so she has the advantage, not cool, Reimu! She’s cute, but so is every Toohoo, so her one redeeming quality is moot. Now, I ask you, what could be worse than this shit-stain of a Toohoo?

     

     

    1: Evil Eye Sigma

    How the fuck did this Eldritch Abomination get in my Toohoo!?

     

    Now you know the worst Toohoos are! If your favorites weren't on this list, good for you! Anyway, I don't think I'm cut out being trendy like this. I'm done posting this weeb stuff. I shall return to my regularly scheduled programming soon! 

    1. LordCOVID Monkey

      LordCOVID Monkey

      Touhou is the only "Weeby, Waifu-y" thing I know anything about! But...! I'll see what I can do.

    2. Idiot Cube

      Idiot Cube

      Just find out which ones Corv likes and do the opposite. It'll be super hilarious!

    3. LordCOVID Monkey

      LordCOVID Monkey

      While cruelty is always funny, I don't know if I'm cut out for that lifestyle. I'll figure something out, though. Even if it kills me.

    4. Show next comments  15 more
  10. Today, in order to complete my trendy transformation, I must post some weeb crap. Unfortunately, I haven’t watched any anime, but I do know just enough about Touhou, so that’ll have to do! I bring to you all, my DEFINITIVE TOUHOU TIER LIST! This list is objective, so don’t try arguing it! It’s not gonna work!


     

    The DEFINITIVE Touhou Top 25 List

    Spoiler

     

    25. The Prismriver Sisters

    When they are alone, they’re totally trash tier toohoos. But together, they become an unstoppable powerhouse!

     

     

    24. Yamame Kurodani

    I don’t like spiders one bit, but spider toohoos on the other hand. They’re okay.

     

     

    23. Hecatia Lapislazuli

    She has the dumbest name and design ever but I can’t help but love her for it.

     

     

    22. Kaguya Houraisan

    Way better than that Mokou bitch. #teamkaguya

     

     

    21. Ichirin Kumoi

    She’s only here because of that cloud genie guy. She’s a real sucker without him.

     

     

    20. Shinmyoumaru Sukuna

    She is the cutest darn thing ever. But she isn’t quite good enough for top 10!

     

     

    19. Shikieiki Yamaxanadu

    I don’t know what to say about her, other than I like her hat.

     

     

    18. Kagerou Imaizumi

    If Twilight has taught us anything, werewolves are cooler than vampires. Fuck you, Scarlet Sisters…!

     

     

    17. Sekibanki

    ...But nothing is cooler than a headless horseman…!

     

     

    16. Wakasagihime

    ...Except maybe a cute mermaid.

     

     

    15. Satori Komeiji

    She’s cool and all, but she has nothing on her sister!

     

     

    14. Hong Meiling

    Please stop Hong Meiling abuse. She’s overworked and I feel sorry for her.

     

     

    13. Doremy Sweet

    The master of being cool, hip, and smug. Also doubles as Santa Claus.

     

     

    12. Byakuren Hijiri

    Jiggle physics.

     

     

    11. Clownpiece

    Any character who’s good enough to be Donald Trump’s waifu is good enough to be my waifu.

     

     

    10. Tenshi Hinanawi

    She has ten in her name, so she’s automatically ten. Sorry guys, I didn’t have a choice.

     

     

    9. Mima

    She’d be higher if she weren’t dead.

     

     

    8. Letty Whiterock

    She’s fat, and that’s not a bad thing!

     

     

    7. Utsuho Reiuji

    She was a total team carry for me in Touhoumon. A real MVP!

     

     

    6. Yukari Yakumo

    She's the baddest bitch around.

     

     

    5. Koishi Komeiji

    As the official Koishi of SPUF, it’d be a shame if I put her any lower than this. But, believe me when I say that I wanted to put her lower than this.

     

     

    4. Mononobe no Futo

    10/10, would main.

     

     

    3. Yuyuko Saigyouji

    This fatass has the best final boss theme, and I once saw a picture of her with some pretty nice legs! Hot diggity!

     

     

    2. Parsee Mizuhashi

    Guys, I am not kidding when I say that Parsee is the perfect Toohoo. She has the best little songs, and she has the dumbest little scarf. And in spite of her grouchy attitude, her official art has the happiest face I ever did see. She might have even been #1, but then she’d have no one to be jealous of!

     

     

    1. Hina Kagiyama

    Take that, Parsee.

    111

     

    And now you know who the best TOOHOOS are! If your favorites weren't on the list, you better get yourself a new favorite.

    1. LordCOVID Monkey

      LordCOVID Monkey

      Never fear! Now that I've completed my trendy transformation, I plan on going back to my old ways.

    2. Gyokuyoutama

      Gyokuyoutama

      Not having all 3 yakumos on a top 25 list.

       

      What the hell is wrong with you.

    3. LordCOVID Monkey

      LordCOVID Monkey

       

      Quote

      "And now you know who the best TOOHOOS are! If your favorites weren't on the list, you better get yourself a new favorite."

       

    4. Show next comments  15 more
  11. And so, to fit in with all you cool kids, have too changed my profile image to a cute anime girl! Hoorah!

    1. TheOnlyGuyEver
    2. A 1970 Corvette

      A 1970 Corvette

      >idoltr@shter

       

      at least get a GOOD anime avatar

    3. LordCOVID Monkey

      LordCOVID Monkey

      This ain't none of that idol crap! This is Sightseer, only the best waifu of all time!

    4. Show next comments  15 more
  12. Hello there, once again SubSPUF pals! It’s the Holiday Season, and we all know what that means! It’s time for an all new, exciting Smissmas Update idea! “But LordAIDS Monkey”, you may ask, “didn’t we already get a new update in the form of all new taunts and a Smissmas Stocking?!” Yes! We did, and let me say that Valve’s new excuse for a Smissmas routine has really grown quite tired! But never fear, I’m HERE to introduce to all you an EXCITING new idea, cooked up a year in advance so that Valve might borrow (steal) and implement it for NEXT YEAR’S UPDATE! So sit back, relax, and enjoy the thrilling idea! … It was a normal day in TF2 Land. But it wasn’t just ANY normal day! It was a normal Smissmas Day, and the Scout was throwing his yearly Smissmas Bash! All the mercs, of course, attended Scout’s little party. As Scout was going around, making sure all the guests were enjoying the festivities, he heard a peculiar noise that no party host ever wants to hear. “Ayyy, this party SUCKS!” shouted the drunken Demoman. “Huhuhuh! Heya, pally! There's no need to be feeling blue about my party! We’re bringing out the piñata soon, so good times are sure arise!” assured Scout. As Scout spoke, a knocking was heard at his door. “Yeehaw! Looks like we company, Scout! Don’t ya’ll worry, I’ll open the door faster than a barrel down a hill.” Engineer opened the door, and his jaw dropped immediately upon seeing who their guest was. Their guest was none other than the Smissmas Dinosaur himself! “Hello there, my little mercenaries. I’m here to warn you to be wary! The Smissmas Holiday is currently in danger, and it’s all thanks to some mysterious stranger! I don’t know who or what it is. But one thing’s for sure, it hates Smissmas! So I humbly ask you for your aid, and as a reward, you shall be greatly paid. No, not with money or things of that gist. But with a place on my jolly, nice list!” The mercenaries were unsure if they wanted to help the Smissmas Dinosaur. Afterall, he has tried to kill them on multiple occasions. (For those of you who are not aware, the Smissmas Dinosaur has been a recurring villain of sorts, as the mercenaries are always on the naughty list!) The mercenaries were also a bit confused as to what the task at hand was. Smissmas in danger? What?! Scout spoke up. “Huhuhu! Hey, Mr. Dinosaur, I for one, would love to help ya’ out! But, uh, what is it exactly you want us to do? Huhuhu.” “If we want to see our halls be decked, then I have some gifts you must protect! For many of the presents I’ve made this year, have vanished, yes, disappeared! A menace must be behind this trick... It must be a holiday-hating-prick! So I ask of you, dear little Scout! Please figure what this mess is about! If you don’t, Smissmas will take a bad toll! And you’ll all be receiving some dino-shit coal.” “Well, count us in then!” The mercs all shouted with glee! Yes, for once the mercs have all unanimously agreed on something. And thus it was decided, that they would seek out this holiday-hater. But, who in the right mind WOULD be such a holiday hater? Let’s find out! Meanwhile, in a dark, snowy cavern, was a tall figure sitting by a warm fire lit by burning Smissmas presents and the dreams of children. “Gah. I hate presents. I hate snow, I hate that dinosaur. But most of all, I HATE SMISSMAS!” This monster was none other than… THE BAH-HUM BUG! And this guy is bad news for sure! He decided to, once more, steal the presents and dreams of children. And so he donned his hat, and set out. Later, the mercenaries were guarding their presents, and that’s when the Bah-Hum Bug appeared! “Hello mercenaries. Just step aside, and I’ll be taking your gifts.” “Huhuhu! No chance, pally! These gifts are the property of the children, so you aren’t getting them!” Scout and his friends all formed a great barrier to block the Bah-Hum Bug’s attempts, but the Bah-Hum Bug came prepared to deal with these silly mercs. “Hmmph! Fine then! Get a taste of THIS!” Suddenly, the Bah-Hum Bug began absorbing the holiday spirit from all the mercenaries! “Hahaha! This will make great fuel for my fire back home! Now step aside, those gifts are MINE!” The mercenaries, now essentially soulless, listened to the Bah-Hum Bug. The Bah-Hum Bug made off with the gifts, and this is where our update begins! ... This update would be shipped with an all new game-mode, that ties directly to my Smissmas Story! The gamemode, Smissmas Spirit, will feature take place in a fairly large map, split off into two separate zones. In the first zone is where the bulk of the match will occur. The decor here would be some sort of snowy hill, with a couple of structures to provide shelter. Here, RED and BLU will be pitted in a usually death match, where the objective is to kill one another, and collect the small bits of holiday spirit from their victims. There will also be small spawns of holiday spirit across the map that must be collected. After a set time, the first portion of the map will come to an end. Whichever team collects the most holiday spirit wins this portion. Now this where things get REAL crazy. After the first portion of the game, the mercs are magically teleported into the Bah-Hum Bug’s icy lair. Whichever team won the first portion of the game receives significant buffs in this second portion of the match. But in this second portion, the objective is not to kill one another, but to kill the Bah-Hum Bug himself! That’s right! The Bah-Hum Bug makes an appearance as the boss this update! He’d, of course, have many dangerous attacks at his disposal, including throwing bombs, throwing presents, throwing present bombs, and a short-ranged attack that absorbs your holiday spirit, draining all your ammo and dropping you to 1 hp. (But an FYI, Scouts using the Wrap Assassin or Candy Cane, Heavies using Holiday Punch, and Spies using the Spycicle will be immune to this effect! However, festive weapons will not be immune, so don’t ask, you P2W sluts!) Respawn will be disabled during the second phase, so don’t die! If both teams die, everybody loses. If you happen to be alive when the Bah-Hum Bug dies, you win completely independent of your team! If you don’t win, you don’t get any goodies. Too bad! And what are these goodies I speak of? Well, a mandatory achievement that earns you the Bah-Hum Bug’s hat! But there are even more great achievements that can be earned, including the obligatory achievement where you must win on this map 8,000 times. "BAH HUMBUG!" -Bah-Hum Bug And what update would be complete without WEAPONS!? Well, according to Valve, every update is acceptable as long as they’re making money. But in my book, we oughta have weapons. So I’m gonna list a few neat concepts for you all! The mercenaries were all on the nice list this year, so they have the Smissmas Dinosaur’s permission to be total douches next year, with these cool new weapons that’ll make your team sure to hate you! The Speed Snatcher Level 0 Bat Hit teammates to steal 10% of their speed for 3 seconds -30% damage No random crits Scout can hiit teammates to take 10% of their speed to add to your own for 10 seconds. If you hit a medic healing you, you can infinitely stack speed boosts because Valve bugs are fun! The Tragic Tap Level 0 Battle Banner Buff built through death of allies in a nearby radius Buff refills health Buff grants full crits Buff only applies to user This is a Soldier Banner! It fills up by ⅓ everytime a teammate dies near you. Once full, you can blow it like a regular banner, restoring your health and granting crits to you for 10 seconds. The Pain-Bow Level 0 Flamethrower Damage increases by 15% for each teammate on fire Can not extinguish teammates No random crits This is a Pyro Flamethrower that promotes W+M1, the likes of which no one has ever seen. For each teammate on fire, anywhere, you gain a damage increase. But you can’t extinguish pals! Sharing is Caring Level 0 Lunchbox Feed a sandvich to a teammate to become bound to them If your bound teammate dies, you recieve mini crits for 2 seconds Sandwiches don’t heal An all new sandvich for heavy! If this weapon doesn’t teach Heavies to share their damn Sandviches, nothing will. Eating it yourself doesn’t do anything. Don’t eat it. The Frontier Vengeance Level 0 Shotgun Gain two revenge crits for every teammate that dies You do not receive revenge crits if you have an active sentry -50% clip size No random crits This is an Engie shotgun! It gains two revenge crits every time a teammate dies, keeping them stored on your HUD. You receive your crits whenever your active sentry goes down. Health Insurance Level 0 Medigun Uber grants invincibility, knockback immunity, megaheal, 100% crit chance, and speed boost +500% Uber build rate. Uber remains in effect after weapon switch -40% Uber duration Uber only triggers on patient death Uber does not affect patients This is a Medigun! It functions like stock, but Uber builds REALLY fast! The catch is that it only activates when your patient dies, and is only capable of affecting the medic wielding it. Strength in Numbers Level 0 Sniper Rifle Gain 20% bodyshot damage for each sniper on your team Headshots only deal mini-crits Can only fire when scoped This is an all new rifle! This weapon rewards you to play as Outback Steakhouse Man, as they say, strength in numbers! You get a damage boost for the more snipers you have! The Double-Double Agent Level 0 Disguise Kit Spy can initiate pain-links by backstabbing teammates When disguised, you take 50% less damage and will not receive status effects Cannot disguise manually Pain-link partner receives other 25% of regular damage This is an all new disguise kit! It allows you to form a bond like no other with your team. When disguised as them, they take some damage for you. You can't disguise as enemies at all! Demoman doesn’t get anything because he can just play Demoknight if he wants his team to hate him. And that's a wrap! Merry Smissmas to all you good folks! As always, I look forward to sharing more fantastic update ideas with you in the future. But until that day comes, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing OUT!
  13. Greetings, my SubSPUF buddies! Today I bring to you a blast from the past, and an old favorite of mine! The story of Scout and his dream for a White Smissmas. Will he get? Find out in this hit poem by yours truly! ... T’was the night before Smissmas, and all through the house,The mercs were all sleepy, especially Scout.The mercs all put on their jammies with the utmost care,In hopes the Smissmas Dinosaur soon would be there. As Scout gazed out the window, and looked to the sky,A shooting star flew, quickly nearby. “Oh please star, oh please star, just grant me my wish,I wish just for snow, for tomorrow’s Smissmas!”Scout returned to bed, his eyes shut like gates,And for Smissmas morning, he eagerly waits.As dear little Scout slept, he did have a dream,He dreamt of Miss Pauling, or so it did seem.Come morning, Scout awoke in a Winter Wonderland,Not knowing what sort of magic was at hand.“My wish, my wish, it has come true!”But looking around, the true reason he knew.“Huhuhu, I’m just like Jack Frost!” said little Scout.And so he set off to spread joy all about.Some joy for the Sniper, big Heavy and Pyro,For Medic, Soldier, Spy, Engie, and Demo!The mercs all awoke with great surprise and fright,“Merry Smissmas to all, and to all a good night!” ... Looks like everyone's favorite guy got his wish in the end! If this Christmas Classic is to be believed, anything can happen if you just wish upon a star! Anyway, that's it for now, but stay tuned for another Christmas surprise that should surface... eventually!! LordAIDS Monkey, signing out!
  14. LordCOVID Monkey

    Scout's White Smissmas (A Smissmas Classic!)

    Well, there goes all the subtlety.
  15. LordCOVID Monkey

    Scout's White Smissmas (A Smissmas Classic!)

    A twist, you say? Let's not be silly, it's the Happiest Time of the Year, after all. That being said, there's definitely more to this enchanted tale than meets the eye!
  16. LordCOVID Monkey

    Jungle Inferno Update Thread

    Does the Second Banana have an alt-fire where you lay a slippery trap for your victims? I sure hope so!
  17. Greetings, my Spuffy Pals, as well as my non-Spuffy Pals! I'm sure none of you good folks remember me, or ever knew who I was in the first place... BUT, BOY, DO I REMEMBER YOU! Now, those of you who do remember might remember me saying that I, in fact, died along with SPUF those long months ago! But, as Halloween draws near, those spooky ghosts and goblins, myself included, return from the grave, and spread good cheer in preparation for the SCARIEST HOLIDAY OF THEM ALL! That's right, for those of you that care, I have made a grand return to an all new romping ground! So, while Valve is busy using the Pyro Update as an excuse to not do anything, I'm here to deliver the quality Halloween content we've all been craving for the past few years! So sit back, relax, and enjoy my new, thrilling idea, which doubles as a gratuitous introduction to my return! As always, for those of you folks who don't know, I like to begin my update ideas with a backstory as to what's all going on, to ease you into the content of the update. As I always say... "Before the conTENT, comes the conTEXT!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Our story begins with old Saxton Hale, nearing bankruptcy after many, many stupid decisions with how to run his company. He decided he was gonna have to shut down a number of his stores in order to stay in business. "Now that I've shut down all my stores, I can pursue one of my real dreams. THE MANN CO.TEL!" You see, Hale didn't let hitting rock-bottom get him down, instead, he saw it as an opportunity to move on to his vision... an all new hotel! "Of course, with Mann Co. shutting down, I gotta fire all them no-good mercenaries, and find some cheap building I can convert into a five-star hotel!" That night, Saxton Hale called up the Engineer (who is, of course, the leader of the team!) to let them in on the bad news. "Listen up, mercenaries! It's been an honor working with you guys, but it hurts my heart to say this... I hate every single one of you, and I want nothin' more to do with you. I want you all out of my building in an hour, or I'll kill every last one of you with my bare hands!" Engineer was taken aback by Hale's bad news, and made sure to tell all his friends that they were out of a job! Those poor suckers, what'll ever happen to them now? Well, I'll tell you! The mercenaries, now jobless, began to brainstorm what they could do now. All their ideas seemed totally far-fetched, that is, until little Scout spoke up. "Huhuhu! Like, what if we became Ghostbusters or somethin' like that?" Engineer perked up a little bit after hearing Scout's words, and replied, "Scout, of all the ideas I've heard here today, that's gotta be the absolute worst of all. Everyone knows ghosts aren't real, so how in Hell do you think something that nonsensical could work, you freakin' idiot?" Demoman spoke up, in defense of poor Scout, "But, man, we fought me haunted eye one time and there was that pumpkin man an'... *burp* we've already proven we're more 'n capable of takin' on ghosts n' other creepy creatures, man...!" The fellow mercenaries all nodded approvingly to Demoman's wise words, but Engineer was not having any of that nonsense! "Shut up, Demoman! You're a drunken idiot! None of those things ever happened and you know it! I mean really, Ghostbustin'? You'd have to be some sort of second-grader to think an idea as stupid as that could ever work!" ... Meanwhile, Saxton Hale, ambitious as ever, began looking for land to build his Mann Co.tel. After searching far and wide, Hale eventually found the perfect plot of land! Large, cheap, and right in the middle of a desert! "Ah, this'll make the perfect place for my hotel! Now time to get work on my construction!" And so, after many years of construction, the Mann Co.tel was built, and boy was it a sight to behold! After construction was complete, Hale went inside and admired his handiwork. "Wow, after all these long years my dream's finally come true." A tear came to Hale's eye, but this heartwarming moment was soon interrupted..! All of a sudden, the lights went out, one by one, and a cold gust of wind blew through the dark hotel lobby. "Huh, what's goin' on!?' exclaimed Hale. An eerie muffled voice was heard down a dark hallway as he saw a dark figure approaching, and at that moment, Saxton Hale knew he had to Saxton BAIL! "I gotta get outta here!" Hale ran to the exit, but found that the door was locked! Panicked, Hale began yanking the doorknob, then turned to look over his shoulder to see if the figure had gotten close, and sure enough, the figure was right behind him! Hale blacked out from fear immediately! ... "I can't believe how stupid ya' are, Scout!" Engineer continued to exclaim, kicking the sobbing Scout, who was curled up in the fetal position on the floor. All the other mercenaries had left long ago to continue their lives, leaving only these two in a dim room, with an even dimmer conversation. "Did your mama really raise you up to be this stupid? I guess that's what happens when daddy ain't around! Heheheheh!" The scene continued for another few hours, until it was interrupted by a phone ringing! Engineer decided to take a well-earned break, and went to pick up the phone. "Oh, howdy Miss Pauling! What's that, Hale's gone missin'? Ghosts, ya' say? Man, looks like I owe someone an apology..." Engineer hung up the phone, and immediately dialed up the Demoman. "Demo, I'm sorry for callin' you a drunk idiot. Yeah, looks like some ghosts got ol' Mr. Hale! Demo, we gotta go round up the rest of the gang and become... Ghostbusters or somethin'! Let's go!" That being said, Engineer, as excited as a kitten in heat, ran out the door, accidentally stepping on the Scout on the way out. Soon after, the mercenaries all gathered together at Mann Co.tel. "Alright, boys. We've finally got ourselves a job. There's been reports of a haunting here at Mann Co.tel, and that's why we're here! Men, startin' today, we are now officially Ghostbusters! We're back in business, boys!" The mercs all cheered, especially the Scout. "Huhuhu! I knew you'd finally come through, hard hat! I say lets go in there, and see what those no-good ghosts did with Hale!" cheered Scout. Scout, being the bravest of the bunch, approached the door to the hotel and opened it. The door creaked open, and the mercs all stood in anticipation, waiting for something scary to jump out. And at that moment, absolutely nothing happened, and the mercenaries all went inside. Of course, it was awfully dark and spooky in there, but the mercs were brave and continued on. As they entered the lobby, the door slammed shut behind them, locked, and all Hell broke loose! Uh oh! At that moment, a horde of scary ghosts appeared! But these ghosts were awfully familiar to them... and that's because these ghosts WERE them! Wow, this is a mind-❤❤❤❤ if I've ever seen one! A certain ghost in particular flew up to the mercs, and began to speak. "Huhuhu! What are you doin' trespassing on our burial site? Huhuhu!" said ghost Scout "Huhuhu. Burial site? Whaddya mean, ghost pally?" said regular Scout. "Huhuhu! Glad you asked! That Saxton Hale built his stupid hotel right on our sacred resting place, and made us spirits quite cranky! We died fighting for his company, and this is how he repays us! Huhuhu! Talk about a bad boss! Well, we fixed him up real nice, so you guys oughta be leavin' unless you wanna end up like him!" said ghost Scout. "Huhuhu! We ain't goin' anywhere! Not without Saxton Hale! Huhuhu, right guys?" said regular Scout. He turned around, looking for support from his team, but alas, they were all scramming for the exit door! "Wait, pallies, where are ya' goin? We gotta save Saxton!" But what Scout didn't realize, was that Hale was a jackass to everyone, and they weren't gonna risk their lives for him, and why would they? He said that he wanted nothing to do with them! That being said, there will be no update this year, because who wants an update with just Scout? Nobody really likes him that much, and let's face it, Valve wasn't ever gonna make an update anyway! But... I'm not Valve! SO! I'll find a way to make this work, even if it requires an ass-pull, so don't worry! All of a sudden, the mercs all had a change of heart. "Scout, I was wrong about you. We all were. You're stronger, smarter, and better than me Scout. And I'll be damned if I don't die fighting by your side. You taught me somethin' today, Scout. You taught me that ghosts are real, and that I'm a real jerk... I'm sorry Scout, and I hope you'll forgive me... I hope you'll forgive all of us..." (*This is called "Character Redemption") "Huhuhu! Don't sweat it, pal! I know that if we work together, then we can save Saxton Hale! And by the way, I forgive ya' Engie!" said the Scout. All of a sudden, ghost Scout's eyes glowed red with EVIL, and he began to yell in a scary, ghoulish voice, "Huhuh! You fools! Now prepare to become permanent guests at the Mann Co.tel! HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Talk about a spooky backstory! After a terror-inducing tale like that one, the only way to simmer down is with a thrilling update, based on my glorified fan-fictions! So without further ado, I present my update to YOU! This map would, of course, take place at the Mann Co.tel, and be an all new Special Delivery map. Who doesn't love Special Delivery? The goal here is to deliver some scalding hot coffee from the lobby to the top floor of the hotel in order to appease the Ghost God! Sounds easy, right? WRONG! For you see, the ghosts will try to stop you, and deliver the coffee themselves, in order to get the Ghost God to unleash Hell upon the mercenaries. Of course, RED will take the role of the mortal mercs, while BLU will be the ghastly ghoulish mercs! Whoever delivers the coffee first, wins! The layout of the map would be indoors, of course, but the ceiling would be high up so Soldiers can still rocket jump! The coffee would be located toward the back of the map in the lobby of the hotel, which is awfully spacious and decorated with only the finest Mann Co. decor, such as sofas, chairs, and tables! There would be a number of windy, wide hallways, and access into some Hale's sweet suites, which would offer up a number of nifty alternative routes to reach the elevator on the other side of the map. The spawn rooms would in between somewhere, inside of hotel's cheaper rooms. The spawns, of course, would be off to the sides, opposite from each other, which is standard for a SD map. The elevator, of course, would be a large, open, lift in an open room, so that Snipers can pick off folks riding up! Once the elevator reaches the top, the Ghost God will either be bribed by the ghosts to unleash Hell upon RED, or be bribed the mercs to let everyone escape the haunted Mann Co.tel, causing BLU to lose! On the topic of Hale, he'll be appearing as the BOSS CHARACTER for this update! As referenced earlier, the ghosts have, in fact, possessed everyone's favorite Australian arms-dealer, and now he's dealing out arms of pain to both RED and BLU! Hale is too strong to be fully possessed, so he'll take his wrath out on both teams, pursuing them with a number of dangerous attacks. These attacks include punching people with his Mann Hands, and lobbing bars of highly dangerous and precious Australium, which will EXPLODE, not unlike a bomb. He can also throw REGULAR bombs, which will also explode! When Hale is active, the elevator is incapable of moving. And don't celebrate too soon once Hale is defeated, for he will respawn in a number of minutes, making the objective all but impossible complete! Of course, no Halloween map would be complete without all the necessary goodies! This map would feature pumpkins, pumpkin bombs, spiders, ghoulish gibus ghosts, and Merasmus's disembodied voice rambling about ducks! And of course, the update would be shipped with all sorts of fancy collectible items like weapons, hats, taunts, and other tricks and treats to stuff your backpack with! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Well friends, the time has come for me to end this update. Let's hope Valve does have something nice in store for this year, lest we receive the scariest thing of all... NOTHING! I must say that I am happy to be back, and look forward to sharing my other thrilling ideas with you in the future! But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing out!
  18. LordCOVID Monkey

    New Halloween Update Idea: The Hotel Horror Update!

    That logic never stopped folks from getting caught up in the Christmas spirit the second Halloween passes. Besides that, I wanted to post something before Valve inevitably announces they aren't doing anything for Halloween this year!
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