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TheOnlyGuyEver

Tell Your Raccoon Stories

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Raccoons are bastards. I'll go first!

 

We were staying a couple days with our neighbor Rick in his RV. We were at an RV site up north, and Rick's RV was nice as fuck, expensive ass RV. So one night, we'd finished grilling and having dinner and shit, and so we all went inside and chilled out. Rick left the cooler outside the RV as per usual, but forgot to secure the lid with bungee cords and whatnot. So the raccoons opened the cooler in the goddamn middle of the night and stole his fucking Publix cheesecake. That was a GOOD ASS cheesecake too! It probably cost like 60 bucks and nobody got a single piece of it! Raccoons are too smart for what they are, man.

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Once when I came home from work, a raccoon climbed out of the garbage bin. I didn't even know we had those in the area until then.

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All my raccoon stories are "I was walking around late at night, then I saw some sudden movement and was momentarily nervous until I saw it was a raccoon."

 

The only really variation is whether the raccoon came from under something or from within a trash can.

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A raccoon snuck into our backyard last night and tore up one of mom's flowerbeds.

 

Our cat (who's never allowed outside) seems determined to kick its ass.

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2 hours ago, hugthebed2 said:

I think the most interaction I've gotten from Raccoons has been that they've gotten in our trash cans in the back.

 

My dog killed a rat outside yesterday.

For whatever reason, our cat has been bringing rats into the house at night recently, but he won't kill them. He'll just bring them into the house and then let them run around. So then we have to spend like 2 days walking the dog through every room in the house until she eventually sniffs out the rat and kills it.

-----

Anyway,  y'all's raccoon stories are just like what raccoons like to dig through. Trash. And coolers. Except Idiot Cube, yours is decent.

 

Luckily I remembered another one!

 

We were camping on the river bank as we like to do in the fall and winter, and it was probably around 10 or 11 at night, and we'd just finished making dinner over the fire. Suddenly this fat ass raccoon walks right up about 4 yards away from us and steals our fuckin bread. So I throw a log at it and hit it and it drops the bread, but in the like 3 seconds it had possession of the bread it had already bit through the plastic bag and into the bread. So we said "fuck it, why risk rabies" and threw the whole loaf in the water for the fish. Can fish get rabies?

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I hit a raccoon once.

 

It ran out into the road and barely missed my car before suddenly deciding to change direction and charge towards my front wheel. I couldn't react in time. I think I ran over its head. 

 

Still makes me sad.

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1 hour ago, Medic said:

You don't really get raccoons in Cyprus. They're considered exotic animals.

The real tragedy of WWII is that the Nazis didn't introduce raccoons to more locations.

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I killed one with a Mag Lite once.

 

I also fucked up my car when I hit a huge one at around 100 mph one night while fucking around on some back roads near my parents house. Left a nice 20lb raccoon shaped dent in my plastic bumper and took out a fog light. :(

Edited by _Jaybee_

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Oh, last month I left a pack of cheap cigars on the seat of my car, and left my windows down over night. A local Raccoon decided to flip my shit because they were Cherry flavored cheap cigars. He tore up my seat a little bit, opened up the pack of cigars, pulled one out, did not unwrap it. Pulled my coffee thermos out of my drivers side map pocket, pulled out a chamis from its container to look at it, found nothing that it really wanted, and then decided to fuck right off.

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18 hours ago, TheOnlyGuyEver said:

You want some?

No thanks. I'm happy with my local cat, snake and hedgehog populations.

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Did you know that swampbillies in the American South not only hunt Raccoon for food, but use their penis bone as a toothpick?

 

Also, as a teenager I was out and about on my bike riding a local trail with a friend. We came across a very bloated racoon, and I tried to bunny hop it with my mountain bike.

 

"Tried".

 

:eek2:

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4 minutes ago, _Jaybee_ said:

Did you know that swampbillies in the American South not only hunt Raccoon for food, but use their penis bone as a toothpick?

 

Also, as a teenager I was out and about on my bike riding a local trail with a friend. We came across a very bloated racoon, and I tried to bunny hop it with my mountain bike.

 

"Tried".

 

:eek2:

It didn't run? Fat ass raccoon needs to hit the gym. In heaven.

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29 minutes ago, TheOnlyGuyEver said:

So bloated as in dead whale? Yuck. Hope nothing got on you.

 

Nothing got on me, but later in the ride I just slid the fuck off the back of the seat and ripped a nice hole in my left calf. 15 stitches later, and I got a sweet scar out of it. Even made my mom (who was a medical assistant at one time) a little green when I said "Hey, check this out!" as I showed her my exposed calf muscle twitch with no skin on it. :D

 

I also found one wrapped up in a Honda Accord Exhaust manifold once when I used to wrench, that was pretty foul. Trapped between the exhaust manifold and front lower pipe and the block. :D

Edited by _Jaybee_

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1 minute ago, _Jaybee_ said:

 

Nothing got on me, but later in the ride I just slid the fuck off the back of the seat and ripped a nice hole in my left calf. 15 stitches later, and I got a sweet scar out of it. Even made my mom (who was a medical assistant at one time) a little green when I said "Hey, check this out!" as I watched my muscle twitch with no skin on it. :D

Hoooooo boyyyyy. I once had a knife go all the way through my foot, but I don't think that compares.

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