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LordAIDS Monkey

A Blast From The Past: The Snake Update!

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Hello to all you good Sub-SPUF folks! It's me, LordAIDS Monkey! Normally, I only come around to post some wild and wacky TF2 update I've cooked up, but as fate would would have it, I'm already dry out of ideas, despite this only being my fourth or so major post! But never fear! As an excuse to return to my old ways (the anime profile image is gone, see?!), I've decided to shed some light on a past idea of mine, from the not-so-golden days of SPUF! You may be wondering why I put great emphasis on the word "shed", well, wonder no more! This particular update just so happens to be an old favorite of mine... THE SNAKE UPDATE!! Boy oh boy, I can't wait!


Unfortunately, there is no existing documentation of the original update, (I was too drunk and lazy to save it myself), so I instead plan to revisit and tweak the fantastic concepts of the original! Now, to some, the idea of snakes being the entire foundation of a TF2 update may seem a bit random, but after a quick hisssstory lesson, you'll understand. You see, snakes are actually one of the most DANGEROUS hazards during war-time, and it seems as if our beloved game is severely lacking in these serpentine scoundrels! So let's jump right into the update!


The Snake Update would transport our heroes into the middle of a sacred snake shrine, where they must fight in order to please the benevolent snake god, Glycon! The main draw of this update is the exciting new game mode that comes with it, which I have deemed "Sneak and Take the Snakes". The map, named "Temple of Glycon" (or satts_temple_of_glycon for you nerds) would be very adventurous, featuring rope bridges, lush greenery, ancient ruins, and most important of all, snakes! The map would be symmetrical, with overgrown ruins scattered throughout the center, providing cover for mercs!


A look into the theming of the map! How quaint!


The objective of the gamemode would be quite interesting, indeed! As usual in any TF2 gamemode, killing the enemy is awfully important! But in this gamemode, when you kill an enemy, a bundle of real life snakes spawns over their dead body! It is your job to collect these snake bundles and deliver them to your respective shrine. (Which is in the middle somewhere, but still closer to than enemy’s base than it is to yours!) You can carry up to three bundles, but make sure you don’t die while you have any, or they’ll all vanish! Once the snakes have been brought to a shrine, they are added to the HUD, from which they cannot be removed. This highly repetitive battle between sides will continue for a couple of minutes, until a certain timer hits 0. “But what happens when the timer hits 0?” you may ask. “Does the team with the most snakes win?” Of course not! That’d make too much sense! You see, what I have planned is far more convoluted and pointless than that!


When the timer hits 0, neither teams win, and both teams are warped to separate sections of the map! In both the (secluded) RED and BLU sections, one of the two MEDUSISTAS will spawn. (Redusa or Meblusa. BLU team fights Redusa, the cuter of the two sisters, while RED team fights Meblusa, the prettier of the two sisters!) Normally, this would spell danger for the mercenaries, but this is basically a non-threat considering the circumstances. You see, Glycon was very pleased when you fed him sacrifices, and now he wants to help you take down your respective Medusa! Each team gets their own Glycon, and his power level will vary based on how many snakes you collected, ranging from wimpy, to near-perfect! Obviously, the more powerful your Glycon, the quicker the Medusa will go down. Whichever team defeats their Medusa first claims victory, meaning that even the team who lost the initial match can still win the round! But, the team who won the first round will have a clear advantage in the long run, so it’s fair, right!?



A rare image of Redusa bullying an innocent snake!


Of course, Medusa is no cake walk, even with a powered up Glycon! She’d have a multitude of dangerous attacks, including summoning Snakenadoes, which is like a sharknado, only with snakes. She can also turn you to stone just by looking at you funny. She can also use her sharp, snake claws to gouge your eyeballs out. Also, she can chuck bombs at you, that deal devastating amounts of damage.


And no update is complete without its fair share of weapons, and lemme tell ya’, the Snake Update’s got MORE THAN ENOUGH to deliver in that department! So I’m gonna stop jabberin’, and post a bunch of SNAKE themed weaponry!





Cookin’ Cobra (Pyro Primary)

Alt-Fire lays a venomous trap that can be ignited, dealing massive damage!

Cannot extinguish allies.

-10% damage penalty.

No random crits.


Black Mamba (Demoman Primary)

Hit enemies are covered in snakes.

Enemies covered in snakes take melee crits.

Projectile explodes on impact with surface, but does not deal damage. (Still covers people in snakes!)

-50% clip size.

-25% damage penalty.


The One-Eyed Snake (Demoman Secondary)

Fires venomous, sticky traps

Enemies walking over sticky traps are slowed

Hitting an enemy with two sticky explosions in one detonation covers them in milk

+20% firing speed

-40% damage penalty

No random crits.


The Sworpent (Demoman Melee)

On hit: Victim bleeds (But it's actually toxic poison!)

-20% fire rate

No random crits.


The Pie-Thon (Heavy Secondary)

Acts as a small health kit to you and allies.

Alt-fire: Throw a sneaky, snakey trap for enemies. Any enemy who steps on it is attacked by a snake hiding in the pie.


The Boa Constructor (Engineer PDA)

Allows you to build sentries with snakes on it. (Purely cosmetic)

On kill: Victim turns into a horde of angry snakes that will hunt down Engineer, and drag him to their snake hole, where they will eat him. Engineer is completely defenseless against these snakes, and running away is the only option. If Engineer is captured, he is not dead until he is dragged to the snake hole. There is no escape from the snakes once he is caught, unless a teammate taunts near him, in which a new taunt is engaged where they save him from the snakes by pulling him away. Enemies can also kill the Engineer, saving him from death by snakes.


The Sin-Tree (Engineer PDA)

Allows you to build an INVISIBLE sentry! (Snakes hiding in a very well camouflaged tree!)

Sentry is close range only, but deals considerable burst damage, and causes bleed!

Sentry makes a distinct hissing sound, making it possible to locate.

Sentry decloaks when enemies are near it.


The Wrath of Glycon (Medic Secondary)

On Uber: A swarm of snakes appears around patient, and transforms them into Glycon temporarily! This grants them a crazy high damage resistance, and all new forms of attack that are the same on every class. This also grants Medic a 50% damage resistance, and crit immunity. (Attacks include a very dangerous projectile attack where a snakes are launched like a rocket, an acidic flamethrower attack, dealing crazy damage over time, and a close range snake-fist bite attack that inflicts bleed.)

+50% Uber duration

-40% Uber build rate

Attacking and getting damaged while in Glycon form will deplete uber faster. (Close range attack does not deplete uber)

If Medic dies while patient is under the effects of Uber, the Medic turns into a horde of angry snakes that will hunt down patient, and drag him to their snake hole, where they will eat him. The patient is completely defenseless against these snakes, and running away is the only option. If the patient is captured, he is not dead until he is dragged to the snake hole. There is no escape from the snakes once he is caught, unless a teammate taunts near him, in which a new taunt is engaged where they save him from the snakes by pulling him away. Enemies can also kill the patient saving him from death by snakes.


The Boa and Arrow (Sniper Primary)

On hit: Causes bleed

Cannot deal headshot damage


The Viper Rifle (Sniper Primary)

On headshot kill: A snake is lodged into the enemy’s brain, and eats them from the inside-out. Extremely graphic.


The Snake Attack (Spy Melee)

Reskin of stock, but with a nifty new taunt!

Taunt: Spy pulls out Medusa’s severed head, pointing it to the enemy! Anyone in front of him during the animation is turned into stone, and dies. In that order.


The Snakey Spy (Spy Disguise Kit)

Has a new disguise animation where Spy sheds his skin to become a new class.

Shed skin can be picked up by allies, and consumed as a small health kit.

Disguise 15% slower



And of course, we oughta include Valve’s moneymaker, the OVERPRICED TAUNTS!





The Snake Charmer

All class taunt!

An enchanted pot appears in front of your merc, as they sit down next to it and they pull out their Charmer’s Flute (Scout gets a kazoo). A snake will pop out of the pot, and the snake begins to dance as they play. All the mercs play a very nice song, and the snake is very pleased. Except for in the case of Scout, where the snake is agitated, and lashes out against him. The Scout is completely defenseless against this snake, and running away is the only option. If the Scout is captured, he is not dead until he is dragged to the snake hole. There is no escape from the snake once he is caught, unless a teammate taunts near him, in which a new taunt is engaged where they save him from the snake by pulling him away. Enemies can also kill the Scout, saving him from death by snakes.


The Magical Snake

All class taunt!

On activation, you are magically transformed into a snake. (Of course, the mercs still have their own heads, and not some kind of snakey head.) You can slither around freely, and you can kill enemies also using this taunt by slithering in front of them.


But, of course, there would also be all sorts of wacky, snakey cosmetics shipped in this update, including a snake hat, and the illusive Trouser Snake.


That concludes the re-visitation of an age-old concept. While the true Snake Update may be dead, hopefully this recreation serves as a reminder of what could have been. Anyways, I look forward to posting, FRESH new content, along with rehashes of past things I’ve posted! But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing out!



All hail Lord Glycon!





Rehashing a past idea is great and all, but The Snake Update deserves better, which is why I have decided to include all new, bonus content to keep things fresh! So here you go, three all new gamemodes that *will (won’t ever) be shipped with The Snake Update!


1. The first mini-game mode will be based on the idea of those pesky snake hordes that drag you away! In this map, the mercs will be exploring the depths of an ancient temple, where the snake gods are not pleased with the trespassing onto their turf. The map will be littered with grouchy snakes, who will grapple onto you and try to take you away! You are, of course, completely defenseless against these snakes, and running away is the only option. And remember to not get caught by them, or you’ll be dragged not to a snake hole, but to the DEPTHS OF HELL. Once you die, you stay dead. There is no respawn in this train-wreck of a gamemode! You can still shoot and kill the enemy, but be wary, as upon their deaths, they will become a hoard of snakes that will hunt your ass down. The map would have plenty of platforms and elevated surfaces to help escape the snakes, but just know that no matter how much you try to get away, they will find you and kill you.


2. The second mini-game mode will be based on the fantastic new taunt, The Magical Snake. All players will be in their snake form by default, and the goal is to grow big and strong by eating squirrels, and also dead enemies. You can kill enemies by getting them to crash into you, or, by summoning a hawk from above to attack them. But how does one summon a hawk from above? Why, by collecting hawk eggs scattered throughout the map and striking up a deal with the Head Hawk! Once the deal has been made, you can select a target for the hawk to kill. You can also die by crashing into yourself or a wall, if you’re stupid enough to let that happen.


3. The final mini-game mode will be an intense boss battle. In this alternate story, both teams must work together to defeat one of the most powerful enemies in TF2 canon. No, not the Medusistas, but LORD GLYCON HIMSELF! In this battle, he will have reached his perfect form, a form unobtainable in normal game-play. Glycon will have many attacks, (many of which are similar to that one Medigun listed above). These attacks are the snake rocket, acidic flamethrower, snake bite punch, and an all new attack where he throws bombs at you! Watch out, or you’ll become the next sacrifice for our lord and savior, Glycon!


That concludes the bonus content! Bye!



Edited by LordAIDS Monkey

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