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LordAIDS Monkey

A Blast From The Past: The Pool Update!

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Heya there, SPUFFriends! It’s me, LordAIDS Monkey! I’m here once again to bring all you folks some quality TF2 content to make up for the major update drought we’ve been going through! (Scream Fortress 2018 doesn’t count as a major update, because it was a heaping pile of gargoyle shit.) So, I got to thinking… what better way to end an update drought, than with AN UPDATE ALL ABOUT WATER?? That’s right, boys and girls, today I’ll be rehashing yet another classic from Old SPUF! This time I bring to you all THE POOL UPDATE!! Which was my first TF2 Update I had ever posted back on the old forums! (But nobody really cares about that, now do they?)


Now, usually I begin my TF2 Update posts with some kind of backstory, but as fate would have it, the original Pool Update didn’t have a backstory, because I was a lazy punk back in the day with no talent. (I’m less lazy today than I was then! Still talentless, though!) But now, I’ve decided to add a COMPLETELY ORIGINAL one! So sit back in your little chair as I detail the events that lead to the Pool Update!




It was a hot summer’s day, and sweaty old Saxton Hale was sitting in his office, trying to think of new ways he can exploit people for their hard earned money. “Uhhgh! Ya’ know, on hot days like this, I could really go for an ice cream cone! But I don’t have the funds for ice cream! My company’s been failing hard, thanks to those no good sissy mercenaries!” Hale screamed in frustration and punched a hole through his wall. Upon the wall collapsing, Hale took notice of the scenery that laid before his eyes… his own front yard!


“Crikey! I never knew I had a pool in my own front yard! ...wait a minute, there’s some real money that could be made with this! HEHEHE!” Hale knew exactly what he had to do. He cleaned up the pool in his yard, and put a big old sign telling people they had to pay to take a swim in it! “Saxton Hale’s Bubble Pond is now open for business!”


But something terrible happened. No one came to the grand opening of the pool, for Saxton Hale had forgotten the most important thing… pool toys! But Hale was lacking in funds, so how’s a guy like him supposed to get pool toys? Well…


“Hehehe! I got a great deal for these pool toys!” exclaimed Hale, carrying a big ol’ crate full of water-wings, noodles, and rubber duckies. “Some might even say, it was a STEAL!” (Just in case it wasn’t clear, Saxton Hale STOLE the pool toys from stores and children from across the world!) He dumped the crate into the pool, and watched as all the pool goodies spread out, transforming his Bubble Pond into a truly magical pool indeed! But there was one toy that caught his attention, a giant inflatable whale! “Wait just a minute! I don’t recall stealin’ a whale! But I gotta admit, she’s a real beauty! With this whale in my possession, people from all around the world are gonna come to visit my Bubble Pond. They’ll be swimmin’ in the pool, and I’ll be swimmin’ in COLD HARD CASH!!”


Hale stood there for a long time laughing at his lame joke while admiring the whale, which seemed to be floating against the current and towards him. And before Hale knew it, he was dragged underwater by the great inflatable beast! In his last breaths, he called for the help of the mercenaries! And that’s where our update begins!


Tl:dr version: Hale opens up a swimming pool under attack by an evil pool toy.


Alright, friends. So today we have learned that some things are better off without backstories. But that’s not all we’ll learn today! Because now I’m gonna tell you all about the content we can expect with the Pool Update! (I can almost guarantee you that it’s better than the backstory.)


First things first, I’m gonna talk about the gameplay that’ll come with this update. The new gamemode will be called Attack of the Giant Inflatable Whale, and will take place in the all new map, Bubble Pond! In this game-mode, there is only one objective which is to defeat Shuma, the giant inflatable whale! Both RED and BLU must work together in order to accomplish this difficult task! RED and BLU both spawn on opposite sides of the pool, with the pool taking up a majority of the map in the middle. There'd also be little hills / sniper decks above the spawn rooms! The map would be fairly small, however, with the land around the pool not going very far, as seen in my drawing! (Just try to imagine that the drawing is evenly proportioned and isn't shit. I'm asking a lot of you, I know!)




But how are the mercenaries gonna stop an evil pool toy? By shooting her until she dies, of course! You see, Shuma has a limited number of HP which is dependent of the number of players on the server. More players equates to Shuma having more health, meaning cooperation from the entire server is mandatory in order to bring her down!


One would imagine that Shuma would basically be a non-threat, being an inflatable pool toy and all. But you couldn’t be any more wrong! Shockingly, Shuma isn’t just any ordinary pool toy, and is in fact imbued with a dark evil! As such, she’d have many powerful attacks to devastate the mercenaries with! Including but not limited to creating large splashes to wash you away, body slamming you, slamming you with her tail, and dragging you to a watery grave! Sounds dangerous, right? Indeed! And know this, you aren’t even safe if you camp on land, for Shuma has ways to deal with dirty land-lubbers. Such as launching aquatic bombs from her blow hole that’ll deal devastating amounts of damage.






*Incoherent whale sounds.*



Once Shuma is defeated, she will deflate and fly away, never be seen again. Until she returns for the sequel update, Monteshuma’s Revenge! Upon her defeat, you will be rewarded with a Shuma Hoodie and some achievement, but no one really cares about those anymore, do they?


Of course, the Pool Update has much more to offer than just a silly new game-mode! You see, unlike most updates, this one would be shipped with all new (and completely unviable) pool themed weaponry for each and every class! So stay seated, ‘cause I’m gonna blabber about those now.



In order to defeat Shuma, the mercenaries have decided to use Saxton Hale's other pool toys against her! All of these weapons would be very useful in the great battle, and shit in basically any other situation. (Except the Bushman's Bubblewand because that weapon is OP as fuck.)


The Squirt n’ Flirt

Does not require reload while submerged

+50% ammo capacity

-50% clip size

This is a Scout secondary! It's basically a squirt gun that can be spammed indefinitely as long as you're in the water, but has a much smaller clip size when used on land!


The Noodle Kaboodle

+40% projectile speed while submerged

+50% reload speed while submerged

-20% blast radius

-10% damage penalty

This is a Soldier primary! It's a pool noodle that Soldier uses to shoot spurts of water (by blowing on it). The weapon reloads much quicker while in water, but it's a bit weaker and has relatively small explosions!


The Bubble Thrower

Can deal damage while underwater

Airblast traps enemies and projectiles in bubbles

-15% damage penalty

Does not deal after-burn damage

This is a Pyro primary! It doesn't burn foes, but it can deal damage in water! It can also be used to trap enemies in bubbles, leaving them unable to move for a short time, or if a projectile is trapped, it'll become a floating hazard for a brief time!


The Boogie Basher

Allows you to float across water surfaces while dashing.

+300% recharge rate while submerged

+15% fire resistance

-40% charge duration

This is a Demoman secondary! It allows Demoman to utilize a boogie board as a shield, which grants him a nifty fire resistance! But the real gimmick here is that it grants you the ability to hover above the water's surface while charging, and it also recharges really fast in the water!


The Water Wings

+40% movement speed while submerged in water

+20% damage resistance while submerged in water

-30% damage penalty

-20% fire rate

This is a Heavy melee! Heavy sports a pair of water wings to help him swim, granting him great mobility and resistances, very useful for moving around the water! But it's really bad for combat. And for teams who want to win.


The Bobber Boy

Allows you to build floating sentries and dispensers

-20% build rate

This is an Engineer melee! It gives Engineer the ability to construct dispensers and sentries on floating beds, but they build up a bit slower than usual.


The Floaty Tug-Boaty

Allows you and your patient to move 20% faster while submerged in water

Grants wearer a 20% damage resistance while submerged in water

This is a Medic primary. Medic will equip a life saver, allowing him to float around at unrivaled speeds, along with his heal patient! Sacrifice your personal self defense weapon for a shitty water gimmick? Sounds good to me!


The Bushman’s Bubblewand

Press alt fire to launch a bubble that will trap your foes

Crits on wet players

-30% firing speed

No random crits

This is a Sniper melee! Sniper dons his trusty bubblewand, which allows him to shoot bubbles that trap enemies, leaving them helpless to fight back! While enemies are trapped, they are considered wet (as with Jarate, Milk, water...), so you can crit 'em!


The Aquatic Suit

Immune to effects of Mad Milk, Jarate, and water while cloaked.

-20% cloak rate

This is a Spy watch! It allows Spy to wear a swimmy suit, which makes him remain fully invisible, whether he's underwater, covered in milk, or covered in piss! But it takes longer for Spy to don his cloak.


Well, now that that’s all taken care of, I guess I should introduce some new cosmetic items. (Which I really don’t wanna do.) So, each and every class gets a pair of stylish swim trunks and maybe some cool sun hats. And that’s about it.


And there we have it! The Original Pool Update, completely revived for your enjoyment! Now before I close this one, I’d like to take a look at the pros and cons of this update, just so our friends at Valve can see just how much we’d all love it if they added this update to TF2!

Pros: A fun and new game mode!

Lots of new weapons for us to enjoy!

New cosmetic items for Valve to profit from!

A new female character for the community to fap to!

Cons: I can’t really think of any, other than too much water might be a bad thing?


Wow! It looks to me like the pros heavily outweigh the cons, which means the Pool Update would be a rousing success, guaranteed! You hear that Valve? You best be getting to work! Alright friends, that’s all for today’s update, but I have a feeling I’ll be seeing you again real soon when I start posting Smissmas Shit! So I’ll see you all a little later down the road! But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing out!


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3 minutes ago, TheOnlyGuyEver said:

I saw the title and could only remember the Pyro Pool Thread.


What a legendary thread.


I don't remember that thread, unless you're referring to the Pyro Party Taunt?


As a disclaimer, the original Pool Update was posted long before the Pool Party Taunt was added to the game. Valve totally stole the idea, and they have full permission to steal the rest!!

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