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LordAIDS Grookey

New TF2 Update Idea: The Best Matchmaking Update!

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Hey howdy ho, SPUFFriends! It’s Valentine’s Day today, and you know what that means!  Love is in the air! And do you know what I’d love? Some new content for TF2, that’s what! And as the old saying goes, “If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself!” Lucky for me and the rest of humanity, I am by myself on this lonesome Valentine’s Day! So today, I shall bring all you good folks a brand spankin’ new TF2 update idea!

 

Today’s update is a sequel update to last year’s Valentine’s Update, “The Better Matchmaking Update.” The only way to follow up an update like that, of course, is with “The Best Matchmaking Update!”. So that’s the update that I propose for today! We live in a world where uninspired sequels reign supreme, so I hope you’ll all enjoy MY uninspired sequel! So sit back, relax, and enjoy this lengthy backstory!

 

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Spoiler

 

Our story begins with our favorite mercenaries preparing a table for a Valentine’s Day feast. The mercs had no plans to go out on any dates for the night, so instead they decided to share a dinner with the whole team. After all, Valentine’s Day is about spending time with the ones you love! And if TF2 lemon fanfiction has taught me anything, it’s that the mercs all love each other a heck-of-a-lot!

Later that night, the mercs all sat around the table, ready for the feast. But it seemed that someone was missing! It didn’t take a genius to figure out who was missing, either. An irritating presence was absent, a sure sign that the Scout decided not to show up. The mercs didn’t wait for him though, and began the feast. (They don't like Scout.) About halfway through the feast Scout finally decided to show, wearing quite a fancy outfit.

“Huhuhuh! I’m here, pallies! But don’t get too excited. I’ll be leaving in no time! You see, I’ve got a hot date planned for tonight! Huhuhuh. Any second now my soulmate is gonna walk through that door!”

After about two hours, there was a banging at the door. “Huhuhuh! It’s about time my date showed up! Next time you guys see me, I won’t be a virgin no more. Huhuhu.” Scout ran at his quickest pace (133%) to answer the door. When the door opened, they were greeted by a familiar face!

What stood before them was not Scout’s date, but was none other than MISS MATCH, THE MISCHIEVOUS MATCHMAKER! (The nasty Succubus that was in last year's post that nobody read!) But something wasn’t quite right. Instead of being the spunky and undeniably sexy succubus they all remembered so fondly in their wet dreams, she was openly sobbing and obviously drunk out of her mind. Scout, instead of taking advantage of her vulnerable state, spoke up!

 

“Huhuhuhuhuhuhu! I knew you’d come crawling back to me! They always do! But guess what, you dirty demon! I’ve got a date planned, and I’m not gonna let you ruin it! Huhuhuh.”

But unbeknownst to Scout, the Matchmaker WAS his date!  In her drunken stupor, the Matchmaker tried to explain her situation: “i alm opyur daet  yu f,upcking idiot. now lte;'s juyst hhyrrru vthe heelq,,l urp candg et otsi ovuer wilth ssmo ni c;;ann geht bakc to m.y,, sso o ,, ..osr,,ry e;;xisttekncee!”

Scout just stared at her tits, a stupid face on his face and his thumb up his ass.  “Huhuhu, I don’t know what you just said, but my girl’s runnin’ a bit late, so if you wanna get it on real quick I guess I won’t say no, huhuhu!”  Scout unbuckled his pants and dropped his tighty whities.

“OI, PUT YOUR PANTS ON YE BLOODEH DUMBASS!”  “Huhuhu, no can do pally! Once my peepee’s a’free, it won’t go back till it’s had some fun!”

 

Demoman, fed up with Scout’s bullshit, punched him so hard in the face that his head a’splode.  The Matchmaker spoke up in protest. “haey, i needed ;him jus tto mkkae somme money, nzzoww whaat  am hi dsupupood qto d.d?o plan B, i’rll give caeh h of yoiu ..a.. blowjob for five bucks, take iat or levvae ikt.”

“Heh, I got no idea what ya’ll said, but at least part of that got my attention!” shouted Engineer, slamming a stack of cash onto the table.

Demoman spoke up, “Wait a second! Ah know what she said! She’s speakin’ mah language! I KNOW EVERYTHIN’! Now tell us demon, what are ye’ doin’ at our house?!”

The Matchmaker muttered drunkenly, and Demoman translated, she told a story, and it went a little something like this… (A backstory within a backstory? This is a new low, even for me. Now let the glorified fan-fiction begin!)

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"Fuctk, 'm drukn." -The Matchmaker

 

It was a beautiful day in Hell. Miss Match the Matchmaker had just woken from a slumber, and she knew that today was gonna be a great day! (Boy, was she wrong.) It was time for the Matchmaker to go to work at the BEST JOB IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! And what job was that, you may ask? You see, the Matchmaker works at a place known as Incubus Inc., where horny devils of all shapes and sizes are employed to go to the human world and find some dumb, lonely incels who’d be interested in one-night-stand with a demon from Hell. After making their victim feel good, the horny devil will harvest their soul, which is then used as energy to power all of Hell’s facilities. (Such as microwave ovens, tv remotes, and literally everything else that needs energy.)

Whereas most folks would get dressed for their job, the Matchmaker undressed because she’s a goddamn whore. In fact, she’s so good at whoring herself, she’s the top whore at Incubus Inc.! And so, the Matchmaker took off and set course for the factory! On the way to work, she was informed of an… ENERGY CRISIS?! (But that’s boring so I won’t go into any more detail about it.)

 

The Matchmaker arrived at work, where she was immediately called into her boss’s office.  Thinking she got a promotion, the matchmaker merrily skipped to the office, only to be stopped by her archrival Lladnar the lizard-girl-succubus.  “Well well well, if it isn’t the Queen of Hustlers? Think you’re hot shit, don’tcha?”

“Hey, Lladnar, save it for the whore floor, will you?”
“I’m in the zone today, Match.  Going to be doing some real freaky shit, putting up some big numbers.”

“Wow, Lladnar, that’s great.  Should make it even more humiliating when I kick your ass!  Now if you don’t mind, I have a date with the big boss!”

Lladnar smirked, already fully aware of what was to come.  “Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...do you hear that? It’s the winds of change…”  Lladnar slithered off, ready to begin her day of pleasure.

The Matchmaker flipped Lladnar the bird before continuing on to meet with her boss, Mr. Raingallows.  Mr. Raingallows was your average friendly neighborhood spider-man, but when it came to business, it was serious business.  

 

“Miss Match, do you know why I have called you to my office?”

“I’m getting that promotion?”  The Matchmaker was hopeful, but somehow, she doubted these circumstances.  Something just didn’t feel right.

“Business has been way down recently.  With the massive insurgence of internet porn, there’s just not as large a demand for companionship as there used to be!  I’m sorry Match, but I can’t afford to keep you around any longer... I'm going to have to lay you off.” The Matchmaker was distraught, a mischievous chuckle echoing from behind her as her rival descended evilly, riding a door that was hanging from the ceiling.

Before the poor Matchmaker knew what was happening, she was forcefully thrown through the door, and banished to the human world.  She then proceeded to get blackout drunk and wander to the mercs’ house, where we are now. And this, my friends, is where our update truly begins.

 

 

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(tl:dr version: A drunk succubus shows up at the mercenaries' house after getting fired from her job.)

 

Yikes, the Matchmaker’s back in town?  That sure spells danger for the mercs. Luckily, it seems she’s out of a job and totally a non-threat this time around.  Unluckily though, it seems there’s a much bigger threat this time! You see, Lladnar and Mr. Raingallows had been secretly plotting some contingency plans to fight the energy crisis that is facing Hell! Typically, Incubus Inc. takes great pride in the fact that they only take souls from consensual encounters, however, Mr. Raingallows and Lladnar have developed a plan that goes against their code of honor… namely a gigantic sexbot army that will forcefully drain the souls from unwilling victims, including children! The Matchmaker needs the mercs’ help to put a stop to it, and maybe get her job back along the way!  To help the Matchmaker, players must enter the new map, mvm_incinc. This map takes place at the factory, and is just like any other MvM map: hordes of annoying (sex) robots that instagib by looking at you funny. Players must defend the door to the human world. (The bomb hatch.) However, this map also comes with loads of fun gimmicks! This map is HUGE. Bigger than Bigrock, even! As such, there needs to be a special method of travel: DOORS! The factory’s loaded with special doors that act as automatic teleporters, as seen in Scooby Doo chase scenes. These doors turn on and off depending on how many (sex) robots are destroyed within a set radius. (Sex) robots are capable of spawning from these doors if they make it far enough, preventing you from just locking down the main entrance.  If too many (sex) robots make it past, the doors activate, pushing the spawn point further up and giving you less room to work with. These spawns fortunately don’t carry over across waves, always resetting.

 

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"I am about to revolutionize the sex industry. And when I do, even the great Miss Match is gonna be working for me!" -Lladnar


 

And of course, on the final wave an extra special (sex) robot will spawn in, piloted by Raingallows himself!  This will be the only (sex) robot of the wave, but it’ll be bigger and badder than any seen before. It’ll be immune to all debuffs and crowd control, so you better be quick with dishing out damage!  He’ll slowly walk down the path, unleashing several devastating attacks along the way, including but not limited to his shaft cannon and a big heaping batch of bombs! However, the most annoying aspect of this fight just might be Raingallows’ croney, as Lladnar will lurk the map invisible, much like a Spy, dealing massive damage to isolated targets that don’t notice in time.  Good luck taking down Raingallows without your DPS! If you manage to overcome this challenging opponent, you’ll be rewarded with a new stock melee reskin, The Dildon’t! (It’s exactly what it sounds like) Of course, along with this new map, there will be several new items for you to spruce up your characters, so allow us to go through those together!

We’d also receive quite a few exciting weapons and cosmetics in this update. Mostly a bunch of hearts and lewd stuff, but I’ll go ahead and describe a few just so we’re clear on what I mean.

An all new cosmetic item, The Succubuddy. This item will cause a miniature succubus to fly around, following your merc all around town.

Another new cosmetic item, The Blunderpants! Which allows you to run around in your undies, with four different styles! Classic, Hearts, The Dark Knight, and The Smile Bringer! (Scout’s will be piss stained, regardless of style.)

Another new cosmetic item, The Cardiovascular Bonnet, which allows the mercs to wear a dumb heart on their head.

Yet another new cosmetic item, The Buckaroo’s Bulge. Everything’s bigger in Texas.

And a new weapon reskin, The Heart Attack! Which is just a reskin of the Panic Attack, except it has hearts on it.


Well, that’s it for the update my friends!  But what’s this? It’s not quite over yet! As an AIDS Monkey first, this update shall feature an epilogue!  So here goes!

 

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Upon defeating Raingallows, the story continues, with the Matchmaker being rundown by her ex-boss, furious with her actions ruining his plans.  Try as she might, she couldn’t quite escape him, eventually being cornered. “It doesn’t have to be this way!” Pleaded the Matchmaker.

“I have no choice!  Times have changed! Consensual sex isn’t enough anymore!”  

“But violating children!?”  

“I’ll rape A THOUSAND children before I let this company die, and I’ll silence anyone who gets in my way!”Raingallows delivered a savage bitchslap to the Matchmaker, knocking her off her feet.  Just as all hope seemed lost, a siren wailed, the walls falling away to reveal the mercenaries, all watching with a smug look on their faces.  “Huhuhu, I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes! Let’s watch my favorite part again...shall we?” Scout pressed a button, replaying his favorite part.  “I’ll rape A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!” “I’ll rape A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!” And then help arrived!

 

Image result for kamaji spirited away

I hope you're happy mercenaries, you've destroyed this company. Incubus Incorporated is dead. Where will everyone get their sex now? The energy crisis will only get worse because of YOU! -Mr. Raingallows

 

As the FBI dragged Raingallows away, the Matchmaker, in an uncharacteristic act of gratitude, gave all the mercenaries a great big hug!  It was at this moment that the demon world discovered that hugs and affection were a far stronger power source than sex and souls, creating an industrial revolution for all of demonr-kind!  Everybody cheered, happy at the development. With the newfound power, Scout decided to play his favorite part...one last time. “I’ll rape A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!”  “Huhuhu, you know what? That didn’t seem like such a bad idea to me!

 

And now that is really the end of the Best Matchmaking Update!  Of course, with a name like the Best Matchmaking Update, you can expect some quality changes to the matchmaking system (removing it entirely!)  That’s it for now, but remember to tune in next year for a Valentine’s Update, where we’ll go way back and check out the Matchmaker’s college years in a prequel update that nobody really asked for!

Edited by LordAIDS Monkey

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