Simon

what the holy high flying fuck

Braviary's got a lot of power but not much else. I've never even touched Mandibuzz, so no idea there.

Ear murder. I've actually seen a medic pull that trick before, believe it or not. On an arena server.

Of the ones on the list I've played (HL2, Portal, Bioshock)... I have to go for HL2 just for being overall excellent. Bioshock was good, but I enjoyed it less than the hype says I should have. Portal is fantastic, but a bit short for "game of the decade." I really need to reinstall portal 2 and do some workshop puzzles...

...Huh. didn't know that. I actually have a serious love for Sigilyph, aka the WTFbird. Also, in regard to the PWT: STOP USING SHEER COLD YOU WHORES.

WHAT THE HELL

I just set my alt to run offline practice once a week. Just found a Schadenfreude doing it :D

i really need to try awesomenauts more My recommendations: Books: Discworld to the nth degree. I love it so much. Top choices for "jumping-on" points for me would be Guards! Guards! (the City Watch), and Mort (Death and family). Games: Dragon Quest IX/V for DS. I really enjoy classical JRPGs. Movies: 12 Angry Men. Old movies at its best. Just a bunch of dudes sitting in a room, acting. And it's fantastic.

Braviary's pretty good, but it's a late-gamer.

Yes, I am. I wrote it like two years ago.

Maybe Quantum Conundrum if she really enjoyed Portal. I haven't finished it myself (been too wrapped up in TF2 and Assassins Creed III) but it's got a very Portal-esque feel to it.

Ditto, but only after evolving into 5000 IQ and Fantastic Mustache Man Alakazam.

The list was "terrifying" pokemon. It's far less terrifying to me than the rest of the list.

Dragonite's pokedex entries call it benevolent and intelligent. It rescues drowning people and wrecked ships.

I'd just like to point out that like half of Kanto's Pokemon population is fucking terrifying. I actually wrote a list a while back, let me dig it up... Ah, here we go. Warning: Long and ranty. So let's say you like Pokemon. You like it so much, you want to go to Kanto some day. Well, you've got plenty to look forward to. However, try to avoid some of the local wildlife. Here's ten of the biggest threats, in Pokedex order. 1. BEEDRILL You like bees, right? Everyone likes those buzzing bastards that try to stab you with a part of their own body! Well, in that case, you'll love Beedrill! It's the same bees you know and love, except it's THREE FEET LONG. An average honey bee is about half an inch. Let's put that in perspective. Half an inch is a bit smaller than the United States Dime. Three feet is the size of the average two-year old. This bee is bigger than your baby. And Beedrill's massive stingers aren't the only things to look forward to! These not-so-little buggers attack in swarms if they're angered. So basically, piss these guys off, and you can enjoy being chased by dozens of them! And should you manage to outrun them, they can FIRE THEIR STINGERS AT YOU LIKE BULLETS. Footlong, potentially poisonous bullets. On a side-note, a smaller version (3 inches rather than 3 feet) of Beedrill exists in the real Japan. Asian Giant Hornets. 2. ZUBAT FAMILY I'm sure you've encountered Zubats before. You know how, when you enter that random cave, approximately infinity Zubats attack you? Well, in the game, you only have to face one at a time, and you can heal in between each encounter. Should you ever come across a Pokemon world cave in real life, all of those Zubats would attack you at once. Now, Zubat, while creepy, is not too much of a threat. It's when they evolve that you should worry. Where Zubat was two feet tall or so, Golbat is five. Wanna hear the best part? Golbat's fangs are sharp enough to pierce through pretty much anything, and when they bite, they can and will drink AT LEAST ten ounces of blood at once. Ten ounces is about what you'd give at a blood donation. The average adult human has about 166 ounces of blood. Lose 60 or so and you're pretty much dead. Six or less hungry Golbats and you're a corpse. A very dry corpse. Oh, and just like Beedrill, they can poison you. 3. PRIMEAPE Apes are awesome… until they beat the living hell out of you. Primeape has the physical strength to perform said beating. Primeape beats things if it's mad. It gets mad all the time. Eye contact? A warning beating. Get near it while it sleeps? An actual beating. Standing within a two-mile radius? It's beating you to death. And, it has some latent tendencies that allow it to beat you more. For one, it only sleeps if it wants to. Nothing on earth can put it to sleep. Also, if you somehow manage to get a lucky hit in on it, well, Primeape's strength just quadrupled. Sneak attack? Doubled strength. They're also really persistent. You piss it off? That raging ape will chase you until either it dies or you die. I guess monkeys are not so awesome. 4. TENTACOOL/TENTACRUEL The Tentacool family is a family of jellyfish. Jellyfish have tentacles lined with millions of tiny poisonous stingers that can either cause incredible pain or kill. In our world, jellyfish are not crossed too often. In Pokemon? Everywhere. Basically, remember that scene in Finding Nemo where they have to cross through an enormous swarm of jellyfish? That's what happens in the Pokemon world whenever someone swims or uses Surf. And in Kanto, there's at least one island completely surrounded by water. I think I'll stick to the pool. Oh, and the Tentacool family is poisonous. Again. 5. GRIMER/MUK I'm beginning to see a theme with poison. Three of the first four are partially poison-type. Well, how about a pure-poison? The Grimer family is pretty much that taken literally- a large/very large pile of toxic sludge. Both Grimer and Muk are basically living bioweapons. Wherever Grimer… walks? over, any ground it covers can never grow plants again. Also, parts of it fall off every so often… and these parts turn into more Grimer. It's self-replicating. And for its evolution? Muk's footprints cause anyone who touches them to get the flu. And to be honest? That's not the bad part. Muk is so toxic, if it so much as touches a lake, everything within the lake dies and it's rendered uninhabitable. It's very, very fortunate that they usually don't want to do this stuff… because if a single Muk ever got really, really mad? We'd be doomed. Muk is a living, sentient WMD that is occasionally brought into houses. Now can we stop talking about poison? 6. GASTLY/HAUNTER/GENGAR Unfortunately, not quite. Due to a presumably sadistic member at Game Freak, the first ever family of Pokemon ghosts is also poisonous. Gastly may look cute, but it's four feet tall. That's bigger than the Beedrill from earlier. They're also made of gas, so they can pretty much sneak anywhere. Don't turn around. Also, they can "envelop an opponent of any size and cause suffocation." That's the Pokedex, not me. Think it can't get worse for this trio? If Haunter decides to lick you, you will start shaking… and not stop shaking until you die. Also, according to one particular 'Dex entry, "If you get the feeling of being watched in darkness when nobody is around, Haunter is there." It's totally not behind you right now, must have been your imagination. Gengar is pretty much the first two combined, except it also likes to, among other things, absorb your body heat from your shadow, mimic your shadow to scare you, and cast curses on you. Oh, and all three can put you to sleep, or paralyze you, or poison you, or burn you, or confuse your senses. Isn't Kanto a blast? 7. HYPNO Well, we're finally away from Poison-type Pokemon, but now we get the joys of psychic pedophiles. Don't look at me like that, it's actually canon. One of the games has a side quest where you have to rescue a small child from a Hypno. That pendulum it's constantly swinging can put you to sleep in three seconds. Also, due to Insomnia, Hypno can put you to sleep, but never sleep themselves. Also, it can eat your dreams (literally, we think) and/or cause you to have nightmares. By the way, remember how I said we were away from poison-TYPES? Not from Poison. Hypno can conjure up toxic gas. 8. VOLTORB/ELECTRODE Okay, what the hell are these things? I mean, I know they're supposed to be sentient Pokeballs, but how did they come about? It's like a demented version of Chicken or Egg. The Voltorb family in the games have a very unsettling tendency to disguise themselves as item balls. I really hope they're not doing that in reality (or Poke-reality), because they're gigantic. Voltorb is nearly two feet, Electrode is nearly four. Both of them like to do two things: Zap you with electricity… or EXPLODE in your face. Yes, these creatures explode. In the games, this causes them to faint. What if a really big Electrode got suicidal in the middle of a city? Say goodbye to Saffron City, and hello to Burnt Umber Village. 9. SCYTHER Well, we are done with Poison, but not with bugs. Scyther, like Beedrill, is a very large bug. Unlike Beedrill, it's nearly two feet larger. Scyther doesn't have stingers like Beedrill does- it has swords. It's also ridiculously fast, and its sword-arms get sharper with each cut. It gets deadlier the more it kills. Considering its sword-arms (I feel the need to emphasize the fact that this is a man-sized flying bug with swords for arms) can cut through thick logs effortlessly to begin with… Actually, that raises a question. Are there human lumberjacks in the Pokemon world? Considering fire and water types, are there firefighters? Are there any jobs that these Pokemon aren't stealing from humans? …I need to get away from that topic before I start a political war. ANYWHO… 10. GYARADOS Considering I decided to do 10, I had a tough choice to make for the last one between this guy and Kabutops, who is another lucky winner of the "man-sized creature with sword-arms" lottery. I chose Gyarados because Kabutops is extinct, so aside from that one Hammond guy, we won't see them too often. Anyway, on to Gyarados. Gyarados is the largest one in this list, at 21 feet long and 518 pounds. Unfortunately, this big guy bears little resemblance to the cute/useless Magikarp. Remember when he said "I swear to God when I evolve I'm going to kill you all"? Say hello to "I've evolved and I'm going to kill you all." This monstrosity literally has the power to destroy a major city in a rampage, and unfortunately, it usually wants to rampage. Gyarados is the most violent thing out there, and you're its target. It has many ways to kill you, too! It can bite you to death, summon a tornado to kill you, bite you to death with ice-encrusted fangs, blast a swimming pool worth of water at you, or the fan favorite Hyper Beam, which can carbonize in roughly three seconds. And that's just stuff it does naturally. If some idiot gives it a "How To" CD, it can poison you (Okay, NOW we're done with poison), summon a localized blizzard, drop lightning on you, breathe fire on you, and cause earthquakes. …Maybe Kanto isn't the best idea after all.

Chapter 12 Simon was secretly playing all sides against each other for his own twisted amusement. He got bored, and nuked Switzerland. The end.

I'm Jewish, so... yeah. Our winter holiday (*phlegm*anukah) is december 8-16 this year. I don't know what I even want. I only get annoyed when the decorations go up in November or earlier, honestly. There should be a 1-month limit on decorations.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Sableye makes Brawly a joke. He literally can't touch it.

...oh god. ...OH GOD. it's up to your imagination whether the above is in horror or orgasmic bliss

seriously i'm having an internet identity crisis WHAT AM I KNOWN FOR

Honestly, I don't see this having a significant impact on the hatconomy.

Hi, I'm [simon/sea moan/WHARRGARBL], and I'm... uh... what's my most memorable feature?