LordCOVID Monkey

    Hello SPUFFriends! I come bearing very bad news. Valve beat me to the punch. What does that mean, you ask? It means that they posted their Smissmas announcement before I could reach Day 12 of this event! Aw, rats. Luckily for me, Valve’s idea of an update was really bad, which means I don’t have much to top! Several uninspired cosmetics, like more animals companions and pocket friends, isn’t really that hard to beat. So I could take the easy road and put minimal effort into these next two days but… I won’t! Instead, I’ll only put minimal effort into today’s post! So today, I bring to you all The Nightmare Before Smissmas poem, which will serve as a prelude to DAY 12’s fantastic update!

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The Nightmare Before Smissmas!

T’was the nightmare before Smissmas, and all through the house.

The mercs were all worried, especially the Scout.

As per tradition, they donned their jammies with the utmost care,

In hopes that the Smissmas Dinosaur soon would be there.

But this particular night, something seemed to be wrong

They never before needed to wait for so long.

The poor mercs, low on hope, thought they would try

To see if they could spot the Dino’s sleigh in the sky!

It didn’t take long for a sleigh’s silhouette to appear

But something seemed off, confirming their fears.

The sleigh’s driver looked to be something most grim,

    The mercs knew in an instant, it couldn’t be him!

For instead of the Dinosaur that they knew quite dear

    Sat a skeletal being, bony from head to its rear

    Its head was large, a jaw lined with sharp teeth

    Beneath was a ribcage, with small arms underneath!

    Its loud and ghastly roars soon filled the air,

    Which certainly gave all the mercs a good scare!

It was obvious to even the Scout, something’s amiss!

    Could it be that someone had hijacked Smissmas?

The mysterious stranger screeched with delight

    “Merry Smissmas to all, and to all a good night!”

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     Uh oh! The Smissmas Dinosaur’s gone missing? And what’s worse! A ghoulish fiend has taken his place? Why, it sounds just like something right out of a Hot Topic shopper’s favorite movie! Anyway, that’s all for today’s post. I’ll see you all on Day 12 where I post the final TF2 Smissmas Update Idea, which is gonna be a follow-up to this scary tale! I promised that I’d have all 12 posts done by the 25th, which probably means that Day 12 will be out later rather than sooner. See you all then. SPUFFriends!

Hello again! It’s time for Day 10 of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! We’re in the final stretch here with this event, so that means soon I can finally get some sleep. But until then, I’m here to bring you an update idea for everyone’s least favorite game, TF2! So sit back, relax, and enjoy this short presentation of the context for THE SMISSMAS INVASION UPDATE!

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    So, the entire basis for this update is that Santa Claus is an alien. It’s a pretty bold claim to make, I know. But it’s true! And how does that relate to this update? Well, I’m glad you asked! You see, TF2’s equivalent of Santa Claus, the Smissmas Dinosaur, is also an alien! You see, long ago, the dinosaurs roamed the Earth, but it is also a little known fact that they are not originally from Earth! The dinosaurs hailed from their home planet of Dinotopia, and travel to other planets across the galaxy to plant fossils that will grow into dinosaur trees, allowing the dinosaurs to eventually conquer the entire universe!

    But the planet Earth would not allow the dinosaurs to conquer it, as it had a natural defense mechanism. THE ICE AGE! (I actually explained this bit in the Smissmas Dinosaur’s backstory, back in Day 7!) As a result of the coming Ice Age, the dinosaurs all had to retreat back to Dinotopia. But as we all know, the Smissmas Dinosaur was left behind by his dino-colleagues, and was now trapped on the planet Earth FOREVER. That is, until, one fateful day…

    The mercs were all sitting at home, waiting for something interesting to happen. And at that very moment, something interesting happened! The Smissmas Dinosaur broke through their door and began to talk in rhyme, as he does.

    “Mercenaries, please, hide me somewhere,

    There’s a space armada flying up in the air!

    The dinosaurs that have left me on Earth in the past,

    Decided to come back, and they’re coming fast!

    With an army of spaceships and big UFOs,

    They’ll conquer your planet, I can only suppose!

    I don’t want to take part in a planetary war

    So hide me me quick, I can’t wait anymore!

    Once I’m hidden and safe, I’ve another request,

    Please slaughter those dinos, and prove you’re the best!

    For only the best can receive something as pleasant,

    As a Smissmas tree decked, with many a present!”

    As the Smissmas Dinosaur finished his plea for help, a giant pterodactyl swooped from above and carried him away! And that’s where this update begins!

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    Uh oh! Looks like the mercenaries have quite a catastrophic problem on their hands this year! An intergalactic war with space dinosaurs is no laughing matter, indeed. But as it turns out, the space dinosaurs are not looking for war at all! They aren’t even looking to conquer Earth! After 65 million years, the bullies from the Smissmas Dinosaur’s childhood are long-gone, and today’s dinosaur population is actually very nice! Therefore, their mission is to take the Smissmas Dinosaur home with them so they can celebrate Smissmas for themselves on Dinotopia!

    But the Smissmas Dinosaur does not want to go back to Dinotopia! He’s grown much to accustomed to Earth’s culture of watching anime, listening to pop music, and wearing a sock on your head! And so, it is up to the mercenaries to rescue him from a fate worse than death!

^{That's one small step for a dino, one giant leap for dino-kind.}

    The gameplay of this update would be that of a standard payload map. The Smissmas Dinosaur would be tied to the payload cart, which is being pushed toward the dinosaur mothership by the BLU team, where RED team must stop them from proceeding! BLU team would be reskinned this update to appear as DINOSAURS! Scout would become the Scoutasaurus, Pyro becoming the Pyroraptor, while Demoman becomes a Democeratops! The cart would be pushed through the new map, Smissmas Boneyard, which would be a snow-filled wonderland, which is also full of scary dinosaur skeletons!

    This update would not feature a boss, but it would feature angry little dinosaur skeletons who will run around trying to bite both teams, being a bit of a nuisance. If BLU team can successfully push the cart into the mothership, then the Smissmas Dinosaur is taken to space to never be seen again. But if RED team wins, then the Smissmas Dinosaur is saved and the mercenaries make the Nice List once again! Yippee!

    This update would also feature tons of new dinosaur themed weapons, like a new Demoman shield that is a triceratops head that he batters people with. And we’d also get a big ol’ dinosaur bone melee weapon that’d serve as a brand-new stock reskin for everyone except for Spy and Engie. Because fuck Spy and Engie.

Hello, SPUFFriends! Do you know what day it is today? That’s right! It’s Day 9 of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! Today I have all sorts of new weapon ideas to share with you! NINE new weapons, to be exact! Instead of doing the sensible thing and giving a new weapon to each class, I’ve decided to give most of them to Engineer. So let’s begin!

    The Boston Foot-Long

    Level 5 Bat

    On hit from behind: Enemy is inflicted with love debuff

    -99% melee range

This weapon here is a Scout melee. With it, Scout can run around the map, spreading love wherever he goes! The love debuff coats enemies in Jarate and Mad Milk, while also applying the bleed status condition. This sounds like an OP combination, but with 99% less melee range and TF2’s shit hit detection, you’ll probably never be able to hit anybody from behind! It’d be a real high-risk high-reward weapon.

    The Second Eye

    Level 5 Eye Cannon

    Alt-fire: Target an area to charge a death laser from the sky

    No random crits

This one is a new Demoman secondary weapon! With it, you will lose your trusty sticky bombs, but in return you gain an instant death beam capable of killing anything you decide to click on! Simply target an area and begin a brief charge. When the charge is complete, a gigantic laser beam from the sky will vaporize anybody in its oversized blast radius! This weapon also comes without criticals, making it much more fun to fight against!

    The Deep-Fried Sandvich

    Level 5 Lunchbox

    On consumption: Suffer a severe heart-attack and die

This is a Heavy secondary. With stats like this, it’d seem pretty useless. But you’re wrong, my friend. While it does come with the hefty downside of being basically inedible, it also serves as a dangerous way to defeat your enemies. Just press alt-fire to toss a bundle of deep-fried deliciousness their way, and watch in terror as they clutch their chest in pain and die. As an added bonus, you can use it to dispose of your useless allies!

    The Texan Turtle-Back

    Level 5 Backpack

    Crouch to become a mini-sentry

    While crouching:

    +20% damage vulnerability

    -100% movement speed

This weapon is an Engineer secondary! With it, you can crouch to instantly become a deadly mini-sentry under the control of your trusty Wrangler! However, you cannot crawl with this weapon equipped, and you also take more damage while in sentry form. So basically, it turns you into Bastion from Overwatch. But here’s a disclaimer: I posted this idea on OldSPUF before Overwatch existed, and therefore they copied me. Where’s my cut, Blizzard?

    The Texan Taxi-Cab

    Level 5 Taxi-Cab

    Allows you to build a drivable taxi-cab that can be upgraded

    Cannot build sentries or teleporters

This weapon is an Engineer melee. It allows you to build taxi-cabs that can be driven and upgraded. Level 1 Taxicabs move at 110% speed and have 200 health, but a level 3 Taxicab will have 150% speed and have 400 health! If the taxicab is destroyed, everyone inside takes massive damage and probably dies. Also, your teammates can attack from inside the vehicle, making drive-bys the newest competitive meta!

    The Jammin’ Jelly

    Level 5 Non-Jelly Substance

    Coated enemies deal 35% less damage and cannot deal crits.

    Can extinguish allies.

This is an all new Engineer secondary! As we all know, the Buff Banner and the Jarate are clear counterparts. This also applies to the Concheror and Mad Milk. But where’s the Battalion’s Backup’s counterpart? Why, it’s right here! With this bad boy, coated enemies will deal less damage and cannot deliver those pesky randumb crits! Boy, thank God for Engineer’s late period, am I right? This is sure to make the game much more balanced!

    The Fire Hydrant Constructor

    Level 5 Fire Hydrant

    Allows you to build little fire hydrants

    These fire hydrants will push enemies around and put out allies

    On destruction: fire hydrant will bounce all over the place and cause quite a ruckus

This here is a new Engineer melee! It allows everyone’s favorite Texan to build little fire hydrants that don’t really do anything useful. You could probably place them next to an enemy teleporter and have them all fly off a cliff or something. I dunno, it’s probably a shit weapon, and unlike the objectively useless Gas Passer, it won’t even have any merit in Mann vs. Machine. But you do get points for disrespecting the enemy team!

    The Hypersonic Hypotonic Medibeam 8000

    Level 5 Fire Hydrant

    While healing patient: Press alt-fire to inhale a teammate, granting you uber!

    While Uber is active: allows you to inhale enemies!

     -65% Uber build rate

This is a Medic secondary. With it, you can inhale teammates into the void of space! Uber granted upon killing an ally is based upon how much HP they had. For instance, killing a Scout with 125 HP will give you 12.5% Uber, and a 300 HP Heavy will give 30%! When you activate your Uber Charge, you are allowed to inhale enemies, resulting in an instant kill! As a downside to this insane power-tripping, your Uber Builds much slower. So slow, in fact, that you'll practically be forced to team-kill!

    The Spy in the Sky

    Level 5 Watch

    Press alt-fire to fly into the air!

    +1500% fall damage taken.

    Wearer cannot turn invisible

This is a Spy watch. With it, you are granted the power of flight! The sky's the only limit with this whimsical weapon. Also, there’s a limit on how long you can fly. Just like a standard cloak, while you are flying your meter will drain. Once that meter hits zero, the Spy will plummet downwards and probably die via fall damage. Therefore, you must use your flying abilities sparingly, or else you’ll suffer a humiliating death that will be displayed to the whole server!

     Season’s Greetings to you all, SPUFFriends! I’m back for the eighth time to bring you yet another exciting Smissmas Post. That’s right, it’s Day 8, and I’ve got a real doozy of a post for you today, unlike anything you’ve ever seen before! Today, I bring to you all an original update! That is, it’s not stolen from OldSPUF. On top of that, it’s a Smissmas Update that isn’t about the Smissmas Dinosaur! A truly rare sight indeed! So let’s get right into it, starting with the Smissmas Backstory!

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    It was Smissmas Day, and the Scout had just awoken from a refreshing Smissmas slumber! And so, he got out of bed, excited to see all the wonderful presents waiting for him under his tree. Scout ran down the stairs, giddy with glee! Upon arriving to the bottom, he laid eyes upon something most wondrous indeed! Sitting beneath Scout’s tree was a bundle of gifts, much larger than any bundle he had ever seen before!

    “Huhuhuhu! I knew I was good, but I didn’t know I was this good! HUHUHU! I must be on the very top of the Nice List this year!!”

    It came as a surprise to everybody that all the mercs (except for Engineer because he’s evil) had been on the Nice List this year! Considering all the terrible things they do on a daily basis, one would think they’d all be Naughty. But thanks to a Smissmas Miracle, they beat the odds and they had somehow made the Smissmas Dinosaur proud! Scout was full of excitement as he began to tear into his gifts, unboxing many rare Bonk Boy collectible dolls, as well as adult toys and exotic tapes!.

    “Huhuhu! I was always too embarrassed to buy these myself! Thanks, Smissmas Dinosaur!”

    As Scout sat there playing with his new toys, he heard a crash from upstairs! He left his toys for a bit to see what the fuss was about. When he got up to his room, he saw nobody there! There was a broken window, but Scout didn’t worry about that. Afterall, his mom would end up paying for the repairs anyway. Scout returned downstairs to continue pleasuring himself. But when he took a look at his tree, he was filled with much disappointment!

    “Huhuhuh-hey! What gives? Where’d all my Smissmas presents go? I worked real hard to earn ‘em, it’d be a shame if someone stole ‘em! Huhuhuhuh!”

    Scout called up his mercenary friends to complain about his missing gifts, and to his shock, his friends all seemed to have the same predicament! It seems all of them had lost all their hard earned presents! The mercs were all very glum about their losses, but then Engineer, the Naughtiest merc of all, spoke up.

    “HEHEHE! You lotta nerds! My Smissmas Tree is stocked full’a presents! Told ya’ bein’ nice ain’t good for nothin’. HEHEHEHE! Here I am, the Naughtiest merc in the world, with a billion presents beneath my tree! You all suck!” boasted the Naughtineer.

    But deep down, the Scout knew something wasn’t right. He had seen all the Smissmas presents right under his tree! There was something much bigger going on, and he was determined to find out what! Scout had arranged a meeting at the Engineer’s house so he could determine just what could have caused this Smissmas mix-up!

    Later that day, the mercs had assembled at Engineer’s house, where they were greeted by Engineer’s rudeness.

    “You sissies came lookin’ for my hard-earned presents, huh? Well tough shit, you ain’t getiin’ ‘em! They’re mine. Ya’ll should’a worked harder to earn your own! I don’t pity any of ya’ll at all! You deserve everything that’s happened to ya’! And even more! I hope you all die! HEHEHE!”

    But then Scout noticed something! Sitting beneath Engineer’s tree was Scout’s Bonk Boy Dream House! There was no mistaking it was the same one he had played with earlier that morning! Scout was confused at first, but then became very angry!

    “Heya, Hardhat! What do you think you’re doing with MY Bonk Boy Dream House? Huhuh! It was YOU who broke into my mom’s house, wasn’t it? It was YOU who stole all my Smissmas presents! I used to respect you, Hardhat. But now I see you for what you really are… a big meanie!”

    Engineer was shocked that Scout would dare call him out for something he didn’t do. He began to feel his superiority draining from him. Engineer tried telling the mercs that he didn’t steal, but they didn’t believe him. Afterall, he was the Naughtiest merc of all. The Heavy was about to gun Engineer’s ass down out of rage, but then Sniper, the most observant merc of all, noticed a peculiar note attached to Engie’s tree! He began to read it out loud.

    “Ho-ha! I hope you enjoy you Smissmas presents, you Naughty boy, you. You have me and me only to thank for your Smissmas loot, stolen from all the nice children around the world! In fact, if you do wish to thank me personally, you can find me in the deep woods! Again, enjoy your Smissmas loot, you didn’t earn it! -Robin Good (get it? My name’s a pun because I am robbin’ presents from good people! Ho-ha!)”

    “Huhuhu! You didn’t earn your gifts. I knew it from the start, huhuhu! I sure am smart, wouldn’t you say?”

    The mercs all knew what had to be done. They would track this “Robin Good” down and kick his ass! And so, they followed the coordinates given on the letter, and eventually came to encounter him. And that’s where this update begins!

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    Woah! This Robin Good seems like bad news! Stealing from the nice children and giving to evil people like the Engineer? How awful!

    So, once the RED mercs encounter Robin Good, they decide they’ll take all the stolen presents back! But BLU team, who is inherently evil, will do anything to take the presents back! Therefore, I propose that this map will be a standard Capture the Flag map that takes place in the deep woods, where Robin Good lurks! We all know how CTF works, so I’m not gonna explain the gameplay. (Though here it’d have some sort of Naughty vs. Nice theme!) The map would feature forest greenery covered in snow and stuff, with snowdrifts and small cliffsides creating some cover and height advantage situations.

    The real appeal of the map comes from Robin Good’s Merry Men, an army of jolly elf people who are trained in archery! They’d be everywhere in this map, serving as hostile NPCs who will attack both RED and BLU. One shot from these guys and you’ll instantly drop the intelligence briefcase, regardless of if the shot killed you! It should also come to nobody’s surprise that a BOSS BATTLE will be featured in this update, against none other than Robin Good, the legendary elf thief!

^{"I steal from the nice and give to the naughty! I take a wee percentage, but I'm not greedy!" -Robin Good}

    As you could probably tell, Robin Good is a ripoff homage to the great Robin Hood! He steals from the Nice, and gives to the Naughty! Why? Nobody knows. (That’s just a nice way of saying that I’m way too fucking lazy to come up with a backstory for him. Maybe he's butt-hurt for never getting any presents because he's a real dipshit?) Every now and then, Robin Good will spawn in the center of the map and begin to attack both teams with his many attacks! This includes shooting you with arrows, shooting you with fire arrows, shooting you with ice arrows, and throwing highly explosive and highly dangerous bombs that are sure to kill anything that gets in their way! Upon defeating Robin Good, you will be rewarded his cool hat, and some kind of Huntsman re-skin based of his holly jolly bow and arrow. Whichever team wins will claim all the Smissmas presents for themselves and be crowned the best team in all of TF2 history! Yee-haw!

     I’m back, everybody! Today bring to you all Day 7 of the 12 Posts of Smissmas. Today is quite an interesting day indeed. You see, I didn’t really have anything planned at all for today so I just figured I’d post whatever the first thing that popped into my head. Of course, being Smissmas and all, the first thing I thought of was the Smissmas Dinosaur!

    As we all know, the Smissmas Dinosaur is a canon TF2 character. But we surprisingly know very little about him! (Outside of him talking like a dork.) Luckily for all of us, I have a vast knowledge on all things TF2, meaning that I know EVERYTHING about the Smissmas Dinosaur! So today, I think I’m gonna give you all the story of how he became the official mascot of Smissmas, cementing himself as one of the most vital characters in TF2 lore! Make sure you have your tissues handy, because this one is a real tear jerker!

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    Sixty-five million years ago, long before the invention of humans, these great beings known as dinosaurs ruled the Earth with an iron fist! It was during this time period that the legend of Smissmas began. It all happened at Dino-Highschool, where a small dinosaur named Clancy was getting decked in the halls by his bigger, stronger classmates. You see, Clancy was no ordinary dinosaur because he had a rare medical condition now diagnosed as Poemitis, which forced him to speak in rhyme and rhythm at all times.

    “Why must you do this, why be an ass?

    If you don’t stop now, I’ll be late for my class!”

    Clancy cried to his assailants, trying to escape. But it was no use! His tiny dino-legs were much too small to outrun the larger bullies, namely Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur who was the worst of all!

    “Because you’re different, Clancy! And we don’t like things that are different than us!” said Jack. With one final punch with his tiny T-rex arms, poor Clancy was knocked out cold, falling to the floor unconscious. This, sadly, was his usual routine, and on one fateful day, he ended up missing a very important class! As we all know, Earth has very peculiar weather patterns, with temperatures both rising and dropping in a natural cycle over millions of years in order to kill off the dominant species and make way for superior life-forms. The next big event was coming fast, which we know as today as the Ice Age!

    The teachers were sure to warn the students to prepare, all but poor little Clancy. He was lying helplessly on the ground. Life continued normally for Clancy over the next few weeks until one day, everybody seemed to go missing.

    However, he eventually found out where everyone had went! After a long search, he had stumbled across something wondrous! A massive rocket ship filled to the brim with dinosaurs! The announcer dinosaur screeched into his megaphone, taking attendance of all the dinosaurs on Earth. Every dinosaur was accounted for, except for Clancy.

    “Hey, what gives? You have to let me in!

     If you do not, that’d be a grave sin!”

    “Sorry Clancy, but this thing’s all filled up! We might be able to make room for ya’, given your shrimpy size and all, but then we’d have nowhere to put our dino-pinball machine to keep us entertained until we find a new home planet!” said Jack the Bully Dinosaur.

    “Oh no-ho-ho, say it ain’t so!

    Without the ship, I’ll have nowhere to go!”

    “Hehuehee! Tough luck, little buddy! Hope ya’ brought a scarf for your dopey dino-neck, ‘yer gonna need it! EHEEHEEHEE!” And with that, young Clancy was pushed from the ship, falling to the ground in tears while the ship’s engine ignited as it took off.

    What happened next was nothing short of the world’s first Smissmas miracle: you see, dinosaurs favored to use liquid nitrogen as a fuel source, so the exhaust froze Clancy solid! Years passed, then decades, then centuries, then millenia, then whatever a million years is… Clancy’s block of ice was thankfully keeping him protected from the cold of the Ice Age!

^{"Hehuehee! I'm large and in charge!" - Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur}

    When Clancy’s block of ice had thawed, he was miraculously still alive! He looked around, and things now were much different than they were in his time. He had come to the shocking conclusion that he was now in the FUTURE! Everywhere he looked were weird structures and stuff. He, of course, had no idea what any of it was, but it sure looked cool! There was definitely a bit of culture shock for Clancy, but he was always open to new things, so he was willing to accept all the bizarre wonders surrounding him.

    (This next part of the story is really boring and convoluted so I’m gonna speed through it.)

But then he came upon something he recognized. His old school! It had since been enhanced since the age of the dinosaurs, but it was unmistakable that it was his school! Of course, nowadays, dinosaurs don’t attend the school. Now ugly human children do. He decided he’d walk in for a nice blast of nostalgia. As soon as he entered, he was swarmed by children!

    As we all know, dinosaurs are a huge hit with the kids, so they all were freaking out over a REAL-LIFE DINOSAUR. Clancy was overcome with a feeling of happiness! Never before had anyone given him any positive attention whatsoever. But now he was loved by everybody in the school! The school had immediately decided to make Clancy their mascot, which Clancy was very much ok with! Finally, he was given the respect and love he had desired over sixty-five million years ago!

Being the mascot of the school, Clancy was basically at the top of the school hierarchy. As such, he became very much aware of the serious poverty issues it faced! The school was soon about to be shut down due to the lack of money. Clancy certainly did not want that to happen because the school had done so much for him, but thankfully he knew of a solution! Long ago, Clancy had gotten beaten up for his lunch money. He was robbed of five dino-dollars. As the bully ran away, he tripped and all the money was sucked into the ventilation system! That money might still be there to this day! (And as we all know, one dino-dollar is worth about 45 trillion dollars today.) Being a very small dinosaur, Clancy was able to crawl through and find the money that was still there. Hooray! He then gave the money to the school and the school didn’t get shut down. Hooray again!

(And that’s the end of the really boring part.)

After that, Clancy learned that it felt really good to give! So good in fact, that he wanted to give to everybody in the world! At least, those who were nice people!

     “It warms my dino-heart to see them all smile!

     Perhaps giving to all people would be worth my while.

     But as I learned those sixty-five million years ago

     Only some people are worthy of presents to show!

     So I think that I shall only give things to the nice.

     And the naughty, they’ll have to pay a steep price!

     I won’t just give nothing, I’ve something far worse,

     Those naughty punk will find coal in their purse!”

     Yikes! Clancy has a real thing for justice, since he’s been bullied a lot. So then it was decided. Clancy would find a way to bring the good boys and girls presents, while the bad boys and girls would receive something less desirable. You see, buried beneath the ground, was something most foul! The dino-dukies of the past have now petrified into coal, and that’s what the naughty people will receive! And so, Clancy left the school. It was a very sad goodbye, and the students had made him a farewell present! A little red hat to keep him warm! And so he set off to bring everybody around the world their gifts (or shit).

    Traveling by foot, it took Clancy many years to deliver all the gifts around the world, but by some miracle he did it! The news stations were all sure to report on this phenomenon of presents (and shit) appearing at houses around the world! They deemed it, “Smissmas”, (Don’t ask why, they just did, ok?) Everyone around the world thanked the mysterious stranger, and Clancy was filled with much glee!

    “Well color me giddy, I’m finally beloved!

    I’ve come along way from the days I was shoved!

    This so called Smissmas was certainly a hit

    Even amongst those who’d received dino-shit.

    But why does the gift giving need to stop here?

    This is something that I could do every year!

    Say goodbye to Clancy, his days are no more!

    From here on out, I’m the Smissmas Dinosaur!”

    And so, Clancy got himself a magical new sleigh, powered by liquid nitrogen. This way, he could fly all around the globe delivering presents in the span of one night! Woo-hoo! It was settled that Smissmas would be held every year so that Clancy could bring all the wondrous cheer that forced kids to behave themselves, unless they wanted coal. But nobody wants coal, right? RIGHT?

     Howdy all you, SPUFFriends! It’s me, LordAIDS Monkey, back once again for yet another exciting day of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! Today I have brought another wonderful TF2 Update Idea, which as you could probably guess, was once again ripped right from OldSPUF for your viewing (dis)pleasure! Well, let’s get into it, shall we? (This may be a mini-update, but the backstory is a bit lengthy this time around, for better or for worse!)

    The mercenaries were, once again, having another Smissmas party! This time, they were all playing a game of Secret Santa* (Secret Smissmas Dinosaur), and as fate would have it, Demoman had forgotten to buy Scout a gift! But Demoman, being the super-genius he was, decided he stop at the gas station and pick Scout up a gift there, while also treating himself to a couple six-packs of the best booze money could buy! Demoman then saw the perfect gift for Scout… a lottery ticket! (He was totally drunk, so it seemed like a good idea to him.) Booze and ticket in hand, Demoman left for the party!

    When he had arrived, the mercs had already begun exchanging their gifts, so Demoman rushed to give Scout his lottery ticket.

    “Huhuhu. Gee, uh. Thanks Demo! This present sucks. HUHUHUHUHUHUHU!” whined a very disappointed Scout. You see, Scout would have much preferred some adult toys or exotic tapes. But you can’t please everyone, can you?

    That is, until Scout scratched the ticket and got the grand prize! 6 billion dollars!

    “HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU! I DID IT! I AM THE BEST.”

    Engineer, in shock, spoke up, “Golly Scout, the odds of winnin’ that lottery are one-in-fifty bajillion! Y’know Scout, I’ve been mean to ya’ my whole life. But now that you’re a billionaire, I think I’m gonna be nice from here on out. I’m sorry, Scout.”

    Everyone had a blast at the party, but Scout made one final announcement before everyone went home for the night. He had wanted everybody to meet at his house the next day! And of course, everyone had to listen to him because they all wanted a taste of his sweet moolah!

    The next day, the mercs all gathered at Scout’s mom’s house, where Scout had a big surprise waiting for them in his garage! Scout had purchased a private jet plane with all the money he had acquired!

    “Huhuhu! Buckle up pals, we’re going on Smissmas Vacation! And Engie, since you’ve been so nice to me, I think I’ll let you pilot this bad boy! Huhuhuhu!”

    A single tear ran down Engineer’s face, he was honored that this respectable and wealthy man would allow him to pilot his plane! He promised he would not let Scout down, and then they took to the skies! Yippee!

    Hours after take-off, the plane was flying high over the arctic! But Engineer had not anticipated that there would be a massive arctic storm! Uh oh! He made a quick announcement on the intercom notifying his team.

    “Seems like we’ve hit an unforeseen storm. We’re gonna be experiencin’ some turbulence, so please stay seated and hold on to ‘yer hats, pard’ners!”

    Scout clutched his Ghostly Gibus tightly and re-assured his friends that everything was going to be ok. Afterall, Engineer was a trained pilot as we all know, so Scout had full faith in his abilities!

    Meanwhile, in the cockpit, Engineer was freaking out! He knew that things were not going to be ok! “WAAUUH! WE’RE NOT GONNA BE OK! WE’RE LOSIN’ ALTITUDE! CO-PILOT, HELP ME OUT HERE!” Engineer’s co-pilot was also a highly skilled pilot, so it came as no surprise that he’d know exactly how to overcome the storm. The co-pilot stood up with much confidence and began to tell Engineer everything.

    “HUDDAH HUDDAH HUR!” said Pyro the Co-Pilot.

    “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YA’LL ARE SAYIN’! WE’RE GOIN’ DOWWWWWWWN!”

    The plane crashed down immediately, but luckily, all the mercs had survived the crash. Their fall seemed to have been broken by some kind of… jolly old workshop?! Sniper was very observant of just what had saved their life!

“CRIKEY! We may have survived, but at what cost! You bunch’a blokes just crashed right in to the Smissmas Dinosaur’s Magical Smissmas Workshop! Gah, we’ll all be on the Naughty List for sure!” Sniper immediately broke into tears. He was just so sad, and so was everybody else.

But their crying was soon interrupted by a familiar voice…

“You crazy old mercs! Now look what you’ve done,

you’ve destroyed my workshop, and everyone’s fun!

Not only that, you’ve gone and wrecked my sleigh!

Now I can’t deliver presents before Smissmas Day!

You impulsive punks oughta learn some self-control,

But until that day comes, you’re getting dino-shit coal!”

  Scout was especially devastated. He knew it had not been their fault the plane crashed! So he begged the Smissmas Dinosaur for a chance at redemption. And since the Smissmas Dinosaur is the nicest and jolliest guy around, he obliged!

    “If you want to be on the Nice List this year,

    Then I need you to help me spread the Smissmas Cheer!

    With my sleigh totaled, the job simply can’t be done

    By an ancient old fossil, not even this one!

    A task of this size could be completed on time

    Only if tackled by a merc team of nine!

    So that, my friends, is what I need you to do!

    Deliver the presents, and make your debut.

    Not as folks who are rude and clearly defected

    But as jolly good mercs who are very respected!

    Do the job well, and I couldn’t resist

    To make room for you all, on my jolly nice list!”

    And so it was decided! The mercenaries would help the Smissmas Dinosaur deliver gifts in exchange for their right to be on the Nice List. And that’s where our update begins!

^{All of Scout's money was destroyed in the plane crash. He hasn't a penny to his name.}

   The objective of this game-mode is to deliver presents all across the world in an exciting new gamemode I like to call, “Special Delivery 2.0”. It’s everything we love about Special Delivery, except it’s better. Therefore, I propose that this gamemode is nothing at all like Special Delivery!

    RED and BLU would be pitted to the death in a mass gift delivering adventure across three different stages! Each stage would have a set number of houses, with each house serving as a mini-control point. Each time a house has been captured, it signifies that the house has been delivered their Smissmas presents. Once presents are delivered by a team, they can not be overridden by the opposing team. It is worth noting that these houses don’t take a particularly long time to capture, but there’d be plenty of houses all across the map! (Stage 1 has 11, Stage 2 has 15, and Stage 3 has 8,089!) The round ends when all houses on the map are captured, and the team with the most houses captured wins the round. The final victor is decided by whichever team wins best two out of three rounds. Now, you may be asking yourself why the final round has so many darn houses. Well, I can explain that very easily! You see, it is to punish the entire server for not letting the same team win the first two rounds! And don’t even think about disconnecting on the third round, you cheeky bastard, because you’ll be inflicted with a massive penalty that will ban you from the matchmaking system, permanently!

    Something interesting that I should mention is that this update would not have a boss battle AT ALL! I’ve come to a realization that Valve likes to put minimal effort into their updates, so a boss fight seems a tad unrealistic to include. Don’t blame me, blame Valve.

     Welcome back SPUFFriends, to Day 5 of the Twelve Posts of Smissmas! Today I bring you one of my favorite aspects of TF2! What might that be you ask? Well the taunts of course! Nothing quite like blowing up that enemy Sniper and doing some ridiculous action on his corpse, right? Now without further ado, let’s jump right in!

     Taunt: The Snow Paingel!
Ever get that urge to just drop down on your back and make a snow angel? Well with this taunt, you can! (Or at least your virtual character with a hat can.) With the push of a button, any class can make angels until the taunt button is pressed again, bringing them back to a battle-ready position! Of course, since most maps don’t have snow, more often than not you’ll make yourself look like an idiot as you lie around waving your arms on the solid floor.

^{If used on a rocky surface, you'll probably take damage.}

     Taunt: The Slay Ride!
Relive your childhood fantasy and zoom your way across the snow with this fancy new taunt! Using it is just like a real sled. First, find a nice steep hill, and then all you have to do is whip out your trusty steed and watch as you go down at high speed! Just don’t crash though, that’ll hurt quite a lot! It should be mentioned, however, that the max speed the sled can achieve is no faster than the Heavy. Because let's face the facts, any faster, and we'd have ourselves a pay-to-win situation.

^{Sled racing could become a new game-mode. Maybe one day...}

     Taunt: Snowball Fight!
Straight from the late game Club Penguin, this taunt allows you to build up a snowball and launch it at your friends! This snowball does no damage and is likely to give away your position, but boy is it fun! Be warned though, just like its game of origin, pelting another player is a reportable offense that could result in punishment, including but not limited to the deletion of your Steam account! Be careful with this one.

^{On second thought, maybe the snowball should insta-kill other players who are using the taunt?}

     Taunt: The Snowmann!
We’ve all wanted to make a snowman, but as with most things we’ve wanted to do, we’re all too lazy to put in the effort! That’s no longer a problem, with this taunt allowing a full snowman to be built at the press of a button! What’s more? This is actually a PARTNER taunt, so get your friends involved! One lucky teammate will have the honor of destroying your hard work with a swift kick to his holly-jollies! But beware, enemy damage can cause your poor snowman to come crumbling down before your eyes, resulting in one wicked mess of red Smissmas snow.

^{There's approximately a 1% chance that your snowman will come to life!}

     Taunt: Fireplace-Place!
It’s always fun to go play out in the snow, but when the day is done, it’s nice to come inside and relax by the fire, a nice tree with plenty of presents nearby. Each merc gets their own unique animation with this taunt, each of them enjoying their favorite activities! Demoman drinks hard cider, Heavy roasts chestnuts, and Scout is the little shit who gets into his presents early! What might the other mercs do during this taunt? Well, buy it yourself and find out for the nice low price of 10.99!

^{Spend too much time around the fire and it'll ignite you. That'll teach you to not be a friendly!}

Good day, SPUFFriends! I’m finally back for Day 4 of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! First things first, I must apologize for skipping three days. The Smash Ultimate hype was too much for me, so all my free time went to that. But now that I have completed World of Light, I can do this stuff once more… I’m three days behind schedule, so that’s enough dilly-dally! Let’s jump right into today’s post, where I bring to you all THE GINGERBREAD UPDATE!

    Our story begins with our team of mercenaries setting off on an incredible hiking expedition through a lovely mountain trail. Scout, possessing the heart of an adventurer, was quick to volunteer as the leader of the hiking group. So they took off to the mountains!

    “Huhuhu! With me leading the way, we’ll never get lost!”

    As the mercs hiked, a massive snow storm appeared, and they quickly became lost! Many days passed, and the mercenaries had become very cold and hungry!

    A very cold and frightful Engineer spoke up. “Scout, I’m very cold and frightful! So much in fact, that I ain’t even gonna ridicule your stupid ass like I usually do! We’ve been up here for weeks, Scout, and the storm’s showing no signs of stoppin’. We’re all gonna die here today, and it’s all your fault.”

    But Scout suddenly saw a light up in the distance, and darted up ahead, leaving his friends behind. What Scout saw before his eyes was unbelievable! An entire village, made completely of GINGERBREAD!

    The mercs eventually caught up, however, they were not greeted with the same enchanted village that Scout had seen. Instead, their view was blocked by a large, fleshy object.

    “Huhuhu! Sorry guys, I saw a magical gingerbread house and I couldn’t help myself! HUHUHU! I was just so hungry!”, said a very large and cute Scout.

    But all of a sudden, Scout began to glow. And before the mercenaries knew it, he exploded horrifically into a bunch of snowflakes! When the snow had settled, the Smissmas Dinosaur (the official mascot of Smissmas) stood before the mercenaries! Boy, was he unhappy! (It turns out, the Smissmas Dinosaur was delivering gifts to the house that Scout ate!)

    Golly gee, what a short and sweet backstory for a short and sweet update. Emphasis on sweet, of course, because this all new update will take place in the Gingerbread Kingdom! After Scout had ruined Smissmas by eating an innocent family, the Smissmas Dinosaur instantly put the mercenaries on the Naughty List, meaning that he is going to make sure they do no naughty deeds ever again! (He's going to kill them!) Also they won’t be getting any presents this year.

    The mercenaries are crafty little buggers, however, and have decided to steal the presents belonging to the Gingerbread Folk, so they can have a Smissmas of their own! Which leads to the new game mode, Present Snatching! (Which is just a glorified control points map.) Here, the objective would be going around house to house, capturing each house. When a house is captured, all the presents inside would become property of the team who had stolen it. But keep an eye out for angry Gingerbread Folk, who will try to attack you! (But won’t succeed because Gingerbread Men are pansies.)

    With the Gingerbread Men being a non-threat, one would think that the map would be fairly easy and BORING. But you would be very wrong, for you see, the SMISSMAS DINOSAUR HIMSELF would be the boss battle of this update!!

^{Between naughty and nice, there’s a clear distinction. You all chose to be naughty, so I’ll bring your extinction! -The Smissmas Dinosaur}

The Smissmas Dinosaur would have many devastating attacks that would use to stop your attempts at stealing, including but not limited to…

-Running you down in his sleigh!

-Laying down present land mines!

-Blasting you with his Icy Cold Smissmas Breath!

-And throwing holly jolly bombs!

Upon his defeat, he will melt. But it’s ok, because he’ll be back again some day. And “some day” just happens to be about 30 seconds later, so you’ll never actually be able to complete the objective. EVER. You will also be rewarded with an achievement and the Smissmas Dinosaur’s hat. (Which is already in the game, the B.M.O.C! Hooray!)

    Hello, SPUFFriends! It’s day 3, so that means I’m about to dump some more jolly goodness upon you for your personal enjoyment! For day 3, I have prepared 3 all new unusual effects that could be added to TF2 in honor of Smissmas! (Yup, I warned you that today was gonna suck, more so than usual!)

    So the first unusual effect is Dancing Gingerbread Men (And Women)! This effect would have a horde of gingerbread men, all holding hands, spinning in circles around whatever goofy hat that you might be wearing at the time. Sure does sound cute, doesn’t it? (You know it does, just say yes dammit.) Them Gingerbread Men sure do like to boogie-woogie!

^{Just look at this cute little guy. D'awww!}

    The second unusual effect is The Mistletoe Madness! This unusual effect would apply a magically enchanted mistletoe to float above your hat, allowing your mercenary of choice to run around in order to get all sorts of Smissmas Kisses from everybody in town! Hooray!

^{It isn't sexual harassment if you enjoy it.}

     The third and final unusual effect is by far the most disappointing of all. This effect would be known as Powder Snow! It’d cause a very light snowfall to appear above your hat, making it just an inferior version of Stormy Storm. Except here, there wouldn’t be a cloud so the effect would be pretty much unnoticeable. And it’d look like dandruff. That’s just fucking disgusting.

     This unusual effect would certainly be worth nothing to the trading community, but luckily for those folks, I found a remedy for this issue! You see, Powder Snow has a MUCH rarer chance of appearing than any other unusual effect thus far, with approximately a .0005% unbox chance! That’s right, in order to make this shit effect be worth anything, the team at Valve’s gonna have to make it basically impossible to unbox!

^{If you look real close, you can see a small snow flurry. You don't? Yes you do.}

     But let’s be real here. None of us really care that much about unusual effects, do we? I mean, who’d be silly enough to pay actual money for a hat that basically says, “TARGET ME!” Real players wear the Ghastly Gibus, the best hat in the game which also has a secret stat that makes you pretty much invisible to the enemy team! And no, I'm not just complaining about unusuals because I'm jealous of all the cool people who have cooler stuff than me. You can keep your dumb hats, but you'll never have any skill! (I don't have that either.)

     Hello again SPUFFriends! A very merry day 2 to all of you! Today I have brought you all a Smissmas Themed TF2 Update Idea, one of many that I ripped from OldSPUF. So here goes!

(Please bear in mind that these Smissmas Updates will only be MINI-updates, so don’t get too upset. I mean, it’s still more than Valve’s gonna give us, right?)

     The premise of this update can be explained in a short backstory. And when I say short, I actually mean it for once! So sit back and get ready to read a little!

     The RED and BLU mercenaries were all gathered at Miss Pauling’s house to help her set up for her bi-monthly Smissmas bash! This kind of thing only happens once a year in the land of TF2, so she wanted to make sure it was the best party in the world! Miss Pauling made sure to stock up on a lots of holiday goodies, especially candy canes, which are the most important things of all!

So as the mercs decorated, it seems that both RED and BLU Scout had vanished! The mercs looked everywhere, and eventually found them both in the closet!

     “Huhuhu! I sure do love candy canes!” said the RED Scout, with a billion candy canes crammed in his mouth.

     “Huhuhu! I think that I love candy canes even more!” said the BLU Scout, with a billion candy canes crammed in his ass.

      Miss Pauling was furious with the two Scouts! They had ruined her entire supply of candy canes, how careless of them! Miss Pauling began to cry because she was just so sad!

      “Huhuhu, heya Pauling! I can totally get’cha some more candy canes if you'd like! I once read a book about an Enchanted Candycane Forest, where all the trees are made of candy!” said RED Scout, wanting to make Miss Pauling feel better!

      Engineer was especially disappointed in the Scout. “Scout, you stupid idiot! Don'tcha get it? Miss Pauling’s party is ruined and it's all your fault! Don’tcha have anything to say for yourself, you big moron? Or am I gonna have to beat an apology outta ya? There’s no such thing as a candy cane forest, dumbass! So quit living a fantasy and come to terms with ‘yer own pathetic life!”

      “Huhuhuhuhu! I’m tellin’ ya’, Engie! The Candy Cane Forest does exist! C’mon team, let’s go out there and make Miss Pauling proud!” exclaimed the Scout, trying to invigorate his team. The mercenaries knew they had no other options as all the stores were completely sold out of candy canes, so they reluctantly agreed to follow Scout’s plan as moronic as it may be!

--------------------------------------

    So looks to me like the mercs will be headed to The Enchanted Candy Cane Forest in this update! (Which DOES exist! Scout was telling the truth!) Here, the RED and BLU teams will compete in a battle to collect more candy canes than the other team. (Both teams totally have the hots for Miss Pauling, so they’re competing to win her affections. But she’s gay so they’re just wasting their time.)

    Upon arriving to the forest, the mercs are of course baffled by the fact that Scout’s stories were true. The map would be quite spacious, with lots of snowy hills and candy cane trees scattered about! The objective of this map would be to go all through the forest, collecting candy canes that are scattered all around, lying in hiding in every nook and cranny of the map! The candy canes can be deposited outside your team’s spawn room and added to the HUD. But be warned, for even if the candy canes are deposited, they can still be stolen from the other team! Thus, it’d be highly encouraged to run a team of a bunch of Engineers to protect the candy canes you’ve collected. You can also gather candy canes by killing the enemy team. By the end of the round, whichever team collects the most candy canes will be crowned the winner!

    Sounds pretty simple, am I right? NOPE! As fate would have it, Scout’s fairy tales left out a very important detail of the candy cane forest! For you see, it is guarded by Mortimer the Candy Keeper, who will serve as the BOSS BATTLE for this Smissmas Update

    Mortimer the Candy Keeper is the sworn protector of the endangered candy cane trees, so he will do anything to try to stop you from destroying the candy cane forest! As such, he’d have a variety of dangerous attacks to prevent the mass extinction of the beloved candy. These include hitting you with a candy cane, slapping you with a candy cane, stabbing you with a candy cane, poking you with a candy cane, and chucking bombs at you!

_{“Ever wondered where a candy cane gets its red color from? Ah-hoo-hoo! Well, you're about to find out!" -Mortimer the Candy Keeper}

Once Mortimer is defeated, he will explode into a bunch of candy canes that may be collected. But he’ll respawn again shortly, so he’s a great for your team to gather lots and lots of candy canes! Also, when he dies you’ll be rewarded with an achievement that rewards you with the best item in TF2, The Candy Cane! (Except it'd come in a special quality, but it'd be totally worthless as it'd be untradeable.)

Seasons Greetings! Today I have brought you all a great, "short" story, a spiritual successor of sorts to one of my other shitty fanfictions, Demoman Saves Smissmas! (again)

     T’was the night before Smissmas, and the mercenaries were all at the Demoman’s House having a Smissmas Eve party! All the mercs were dressed in their cute winter wear, sporting dumb hats and ugly sweaters. All of the mercenaries were, of course, having a great time, as Demoman always threw the best holiday parties.

    “Huhuhu, golly gee! Demoman always throws the best holiday parties, doesn’t he?” Exclaimed the Scout.

    “I couldn’t agree more! Everyone always has such a good time each and every year!” Responded the Pyro.

    But Pyro was wrong. For you see, there was one class who was not having a good time, and that class was none other than… THE DEMOMAN HIMSELF, who was secluded in his bedroom, crying to himself! Demoman knew he was great at throwing parties, but he feels like his friends and Scout are being cheated out of a truly unforgettable party. But all of a sudden, Demoman had a wonderful idea! He knew exactly what he could do to make sure everybody had a great time! Demoman jumped to his feet and ran to his basement, sneaking past all the party guests.

    Demoman finally reached the basement door, and climbed down the staircase into a very very dark room. Demoman hadn’t paid the electric bill in years, so it was completely dark down there. But it didn’t matter. Demoman knew exactly what he was after! He felt his way through the darkness, and finally found what he had been looking for! What laid before Demoman was a small chest, which he quickly opened up. The room was immediately filled with light, and Demoman was temporarily blinded. But once he could see, he chuckled to himself.

     “Ahaha! Just wait ‘till they get a load of this! This party’ll be the talk of the town for ages to come!”

     But just what was it that Demoman was talking about? Why, it was the world’s greatest rum, handpicked by God himself! Demoman knew that this is exactly what his friends needed to have a good time!

     So, rum in hand, Demoman quickly ran back upstairs to where the party was going on. He observed his surroundings, and saw all the mercenaries, except Scout, gathered around the fruit punch table. Scout was in the bathroom touching himself. Demoman realized that, if his friends liked the punch so much, they would absolutely LOVE a rum punch! So as soon as the mercenaries left to play a game of Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Smissmas-Dinosaur, Demoman knew he had his chance! When no one was looking, Demoman spiked the punch!

     The party continued as usual, with the classes all having a blast. It was certainly a banger of a party! By the end of the party everybody was totally hammered as fuck, thanks to the effects of Demoman’s Holy Rum. Everybody was in absolute agreement that this was the best party ever thrown in the history of the world! And so, all partied out, all of the mercenaries decided to go home.

But they DIDN’T go home! You see, everybody except Demoman was an absolute lightweight, so their minds went full stupid as a result of their drunken state. (Scout didn’t drink anything at the party because he was in the bathroom the whole time. He’s always stupid though, so he may as well be drunk.) Instead of returning to their mercenary homes, they went about the snow-filled town, causing loads of drunken mischief!

     T’was the night before Smissmas, and all through the town

The mercs were all wasted, and acting like clowns!

     The Scout ran singing through the town’s streets.

Completely stark naked, from his head to his feets.

     The Soldier thought the halls would be better decked

With a set of severed heads, all torn from the necks.

     The Pyro saved kittens, who were all trapped in trees

And cleansed them with fire so their souls could be freed.

    The Heavy was captured trying to rob the deli

He was looking for Sandviches to fill his big belly.

    The Engineer saw cars parked all up the road

He hit them with his wrench causing them explode.

    The Medic was cold, and was getting the shivers

So he made a new blanket from his victim’s livers   

    The Sniper had a lot to drink on this holiday night

So he emptied his bladder with indecent delight.

    The Spy used his cloaked with his camera in zoom

To take naughty pictures in all the bathrooms.

    These horrific holiday tales were all over the news

But just as the Demoman was soon ready snooze

    He saw all his friends were out having fun

And exclaimed to himself, “WHAT HAVE I DONE?”

    The Demoman was certainly an upstanding guy, so he definitely did not approve of all the nasty crimes his mercenary friends were committing! Demoman knew he had to do something, and so it was decided! He would go out on this cold night and right all his friends’ wrong doings! He began by going out and bringing all his friends to his house, so they could all be safe and sleep in a nice, warm environment. Then, he spent the rest of his night going out and reattaching the heads of citizens, unkilling the kittens, returning the sandviches to the deli, fixing the cars, returning the livers of the victims, cleaning up pee-pee, and deleting Spy’s dirty pictures. Demoman was certainly exhausted after fixing all these issues, and crashed fast asleep, right smack-dab in the middle of town!

    When Demoman awoke, he was right in the comfort of his own bed. “Eh? How’d I get here?!” He looked over to his side and saw a note laying on a table. He scratched his head, picked it up, and began to read it out loud (to you, my dear SPUFFriend!).

     “Greetings to you friend, it’s surely a pity

To have found you blacked out in the dark and cold city!

    I did you a favor, and brought you home safely.

It’s the least I could, after what you’ve done for me!

    I had seen all the mischief your friends had created.

It had made me sick, how they all should be hated!

    But to my surprise, the problems soon ended.

A hero had saved them, which is truly splendid!

    And to my surprise, Demo, the hero was you!

And to you I shall give all my thanks to!

    No, not with money or things of that gist.

But with a place on my jolly, nice list!

    So beneath your tree you’ll find a surprise most pleasant.

I have decked your halls with many a present!

    You’ve been good this year, let’s see you do it some more.

Sincerely signed, ~The Smissmas Dinosaur

     _{P.S. do me a favor, please kill the Scout}

_{His irritating presence, we could all do without.”}

    The Demoman stared wide-eyed at his letter, mouth agape. Had he really done it? Had he made it on the nice list?! Only one way to find out! Demoman swiftly ran downstairs to see what awaited him, and boy was he thrilled to see his tree loaded with all sorts of Smissmas goodies! However, his friends were not so excited. They were all very upset, as they had received nothing for Smissmas, being on the naughty list and all. Demoman felt bad for his friends but turned back to his pile of gifts. He was then greeted by the Scout, who was tearing open all his presents!

     “Huhuhu! Heya Demo, look what ya’ got for Smissmas!” exclaimed the Scout, holding up a brand new sword! “Hey, it’d make a pretty good dildo, don’tcha think? Huhuhu, mind if I give it a whirl? Huhuhu?!?”

     Demoman was shocked that Scout would dare open his presents that he had so rightfully earned, but his initial look of shock quickly was overcome with a warm, genuine smile. “Ah, Scout. I think I’ll let’cha keep it, afterall it is Smissmas day! And Smissmas isn’t about getting, it’s about giving! Isn't that right, laddies?”

     Scout’s eyes lit up with glee, “Well, personally I prefer getting! HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU!”

     Demoman’s warm smile quickly turned to a malicious grin, “Well, how about ya’ GET what’s comin’ to ya’!” Demoman grabbed ahold of Scout’s new sword, ramming it so far up his ass that it split him in half, his two halves writhing in agony on the ground, until he eventually died after several minutes.

     The rest of the mercenaries stood silent, but then they all began to cheer! Yes, Demoman truly gave his friends the greatest gift of all this year: the death of the Scout! As an added bonus to the mercenaries goodies, Demoman made sure to share all his presents with his friends, because sharing is caring! The end!

It was a hot summer’s day, and sweaty old Saxton Hale was sitting in his office, trying to think of new ways he can exploit people for their hard earned money. “Uhhgh! Ya’ know, on hot days like this, I could really go for an ice cream cone! But I don’t have the funds for ice cream! My company’s been failing hard, thanks to those no good sissy mercenaries!” Hale screamed in frustration and punched a hole through his wall. Upon the wall collapsing, Hale took notice of the scenery that laid before his eyes… his own front yard!

“Crikey! I never knew I had a pool in my own front yard! ...wait a minute, there’s some real money that could be made with this! HEHEHE!” Hale knew exactly what he had to do. He cleaned up the pool in his yard, and put a big old sign telling people they had to pay to take a swim in it! “Saxton Hale’s Bubble Pond is now open for business!”

But something terrible happened. No one came to the grand opening of the pool, for Saxton Hale had forgotten the most important thing… pool toys! But Hale was lacking in funds, so how’s a guy like him supposed to get pool toys? Well…

“Hehehe! I got a great deal for these pool toys!” exclaimed Hale, carrying a big ol’ crate full of water-wings, noodles, and rubber duckies. “Some might even say, it was a STEAL!” (Just in case it wasn’t clear, Saxton Hale STOLE the pool toys from stores and children from across the world!) He dumped the crate into the pool, and watched as all the pool goodies spread out, transforming his Bubble Pond into a truly magical pool indeed! But there was one toy that caught his attention, a giant inflatable whale! “Wait just a minute! I don’t recall stealin’ a whale! But I gotta admit, she’s a real beauty! With this whale in my possession, people from all around the world are gonna come to visit my Bubble Pond. They’ll be swimmin’ in the pool, and I’ll be swimmin’ in COLD HARD CASH!!”

Hale stood there for a long time laughing at his lame joke while admiring the whale, which seemed to be floating against the current and towards him. And before Hale knew it, he was dragged underwater by the great inflatable beast! In his last breaths, he called for the help of the mercenaries! And that’s where our update begins!

In order to defeat Shuma, the mercenaries have decided to use Saxton Hale's other pool toys against her! All of these weapons would be very useful in the great battle, and shit in basically any other situation. (Except the Bushman's Bubblewand because that weapon is OP as fuck.)

The Squirt n’ Flirt

Does not require reload while submerged

+50% ammo capacity

-50% clip size

This is a Scout secondary! It's basically a squirt gun that can be spammed indefinitely as long as you're in the water, but has a much smaller clip size when used on land!

The Noodle Kaboodle

+40% projectile speed while submerged

+50% reload speed while submerged

-20% blast radius

-10% damage penalty

This is a Soldier primary! It's a pool noodle that Soldier uses to shoot spurts of water (by blowing on it). The weapon reloads much quicker while in water, but it's a bit weaker and has relatively small explosions!

The Bubble Thrower

Can deal damage while underwater

Airblast traps enemies and projectiles in bubbles

-15% damage penalty

Does not deal after-burn damage

This is a Pyro primary! It doesn't burn foes, but it can deal damage in water! It can also be used to trap enemies in bubbles, leaving them unable to move for a short time, or if a projectile is trapped, it'll become a floating hazard for a brief time!

The Boogie Basher

Allows you to float across water surfaces while dashing.

+300% recharge rate while submerged

+15% fire resistance

-40% charge duration

This is a Demoman secondary! It allows Demoman to utilize a boogie board as a shield, which grants him a nifty fire resistance! But the real gimmick here is that it grants you the ability to hover above the water's surface while charging, and it also recharges really fast in the water!

The Water Wings

+40% movement speed while submerged in water

+20% damage resistance while submerged in water

-30% damage penalty

-20% fire rate

This is a Heavy melee! Heavy sports a pair of water wings to help him swim, granting him great mobility and resistances, very useful for moving around the water! But it's really bad for combat. And for teams who want to win.

The Bobber Boy

Allows you to build floating sentries and dispensers

-20% build rate

This is an Engineer melee! It gives Engineer the ability to construct dispensers and sentries on floating beds, but they build up a bit slower than usual.

The Floaty Tug-Boaty

Allows you and your patient to move 20% faster while submerged in water

Grants wearer a 20% damage resistance while submerged in water

This is a Medic primary. Medic will equip a life saver, allowing him to float around at unrivaled speeds, along with his heal patient! Sacrifice your personal self defense weapon for a shitty water gimmick? Sounds good to me!

The Bushman’s Bubblewand

Press alt fire to launch a bubble that will trap your foes

Crits on wet players

-30% firing speed

No random crits

This is a Sniper melee! Sniper dons his trusty bubblewand, which allows him to shoot bubbles that trap enemies, leaving them helpless to fight back! While enemies are trapped, they are considered wet (as with Jarate, Milk, water...), so you can crit 'em!

The Aquatic Suit

Immune to effects of Mad Milk, Jarate, and water while cloaked.

-20% cloak rate

This is a Spy watch! It allows Spy to wear a swimmy suit, which makes him remain fully invisible, whether he's underwater, covered in milk, or covered in piss! But it takes longer for Spy to don his cloak.

The first wave of DLC will bring us yet another Mario character. That’s right, we’ll be getting… KOOPA THE QUICK, from Mario 64! (Sorry Waluigi fans.) According to my sources, Koopa the Quick is much faster than even Sonic, so you better be ready for one heck of a battle when this guy enters the ring! The new map he will bring with him will be none other than the Mario 64 classic, Bob-Omb Battlefield! And whom might the Assist Trophy be? None other than Bob-Omb Buddy! He’ll deploy a cannon for you, causing it to shoot deadly Bob-Ombs into the air, killing all your enemies for sure!

_{Koopa the Quick: Sprints into the Fray!}

The second wave of DLC will bring us everyone’s favorite guy, POOCHY, from Yoshi’s Island! As we all know, Poochy is the greatest character ever created, and it’s about time he made it as a playable Smash character! Poochy would utilize many skills from Yoshi’s Island, such as shooting out watermelon seeds and transforming into a helicopter. The new stage he will bring with him will be Poochy and Yoshi’s Woolly World! The Assist Trophy in this pack is sure to be a real crowd-pleaser, as it is none other than Baby Mario! When summoned, Baby Mario will float around in a bubble, crying. When attacked, the bubble will pop and Baby Mario will be KO’d, giving a point to the baby killer.

_{Poochy: Ain't Stupid!}

The third wave of DLC will be GLOVER, from the hit game, Glover! Everybody wants to play as the Master Hand, and thanks to Daddy Sakurai, that will be made (almost) possible with the addition of this glovely character. Glover would utilize many attacks, and with the assistance of his Pixar ball, he’ll be a real tricky character to battle! The new stage would be Crystal Castle, where all sorts of wacky things can happen. Glover’s Assist Trophy friend would be The Wizard! He will cast all sorts of powerful spells on the enemies, guaranteeing a sure victory for the summoner!

_{Glover: Lends a Hand!}

The fourth wave of DLC will bring us a character who is very long overdue. For a while now, people have asked for a new Zelda rep. Well ask no more, because with this pack, we’ll be receiving not Skull Kid, not Impa, not Midna, but none other than KING HARKINIAN from the hit Zelda CDI series! He’d have any attacks based on the games, such as using lamp oil, rope, and bombs! The all new stage would be The Faces of Evil, where many deadly foes will spawn, such as Militron and Glutko. His assist trophy would be the evil Ganon, who will shroud the stage in darkness, and zap enemies with deadly lightning, while exclaiming the classic and beloved quote, "YOU MUST DIE!"

_{King Harkinian: Strives for Battle!}

With all these awesome newcomers in the next game, how can Sakurai possibly top them off with something that’s sure to please everybody? The same way he did it in Smash 4, of course! Add another Fire Emblem character! That’s right, the final wave of DLC will bring us ANNA, the coolest character around! She’d be much different from any Fire Emblem character seen thus far, however, as she would not use a sword. She’d use an axe instead. How cool! Her new stage would be Anna’s House, which is obviously where Anna lives. In this stage there would be many hazards, like Anna’s kitchen sink and Anna’s toaster. And who might her Assist Trophy pal be out of the millions of Fire Emblem characters? My sources say Chrom. Simply because Chrom is already a playable fighter, a final smash (Robin’s), and a Mii Costume! Soon enough, Chrom will fill up all the Smash Bros roles!

_{Anna: Cashes In!}

Holy Toledo!

So these five are basically gonna be the top tiers, considering that they're the DLC.