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LordCOVID Monkey

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Posts posted by LordCOVID Monkey

  1. Posted

    5 hours ago, Moby said:

    BUP probably will stay as an Assist Trophy like Waluigi. The REAL shame here was Bomberman being only an AT too. Like sheet man.

     

    But my BUP Boy never got the assist trophy treatment. Clearly, that means he'll be playable in this one. I'm still holding out for him. We all should, because he's the best.

  2. Posted

    3 hours ago, TheOnlyGuyEver said:

    Broooo Smash Ultimate has my dick hard as fuck. EVERY fuckin Smash character ever, Daisy as fan favorite (no Waluigi :frown:), easy shorthops, battlefield forms of every stage, Gamecube controller, the list goes on...

     

    Then RIDLEY! It's REALLY RIDLEY! I fucking CALLED IT months ago, I KNEW it would happen.

     

    Also OoT Ganondorf is here and I love it, always liked the old design better than Twilight Princess.

     

    No hype from me until Captain Toad's reveal.

  4. Posted · Edited by LordAIDS Monkey

    Howdy SPUFFriends! Very soon we will be celebrating the one year anniversary of SPUF's sad end. And that got me thinking on how I can join in on the wacky festivities! After doing a whole lot of nothing in preparation for the big day, I did stumble across something very peculiar in my secret archives! (Right between the folder for my grandma's cookie recipe and my Little Mermaid hentai.) Yes, you see friends, I stumbled upon something that I thought went down with SPUF, something that probably shouldn't have seen the light of day again. But today I bring semi-great news, as I have found a LordAIDS Monkey Original Update retrieved directly from SPUF itself! So get cozy in your little chair as I present to you the (mostly) un-edited TF2 Update pulled straight from SPUF's end-times! (You need to keep in mind the context of the time as you read!)

     

    Spoiler

    Hello again my SPUF pals. Unlike my normal happy tidings, I come baring grave news. News that you’ve likely all heard by now, honestly, but news nonetheless! For you see, SPUF, our home and happy place, is being SHUT DOWN!!! What motivations does Valve have for this? Well, one can only guess. (My personal thoughts are that Valve doesn't want the only semi-competent forum providing negative feedback on the inevitably lack-luster Pyro Update.) I know this may come as a shock to you, but this is probably the last you’ll hear of lil ol’ AIDS Monkey. BUT, ol Monkey ain’t goin’ down without a fight, so, I bring to you, the last update that I’ll ever post! So, what better way to “celebrate” the destruction of our home than an update about the destruction of our beloved game? I give to you… THE MATCHMAKING UPDATE!

    …

     

    Oh wait, that already happened. In that case, I instead give to you a different take on the end of our game… THE APOCALYPSE UPDATE!!!

     

     

    "But AIDS Monkey, why would there be an apocalypse." This game took place BEFORE our time; there would be no way the world would end, right? WRONG!!! For you see, TF2 is NOT REAL! A shocker, I know, because, TF2 is ACTUALLY the dreams of a young child in a coma! Crazy right? I thought so too, at least until I did a little research, and found an interesting tidbit of information in one of Valve’s infamous ARGs. These interesting images gave me new insight on the existence of TF2 that forever changes the lore forever.

     

    --------------------------------------------------------

     

    Spoiler

     

    It was a normal day in 2Fort. The mercs were all chilling in the spawn, not a care in the world as they prepared to fight over a suitcase. As the round began, Sniper, ambitious as usual, was the first to leave the spawn, leaving the others in his dust. As he stepped onto his beloved battlements, ready to body shot the enemy, he noticed something a little off. And by a little, I mean a lot!

     

     

    “BLIMEY!” yelled the Sniper in his outrageous accent, “You wankahs better get out here and check this out!”

     

     

    One by one, the mercs slowly began filling the battlements, looking to the sky. To their disbelief, it was a giant man, peering through a tear in the sky!

     

     

    “IT’S GOD! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!” screamed Demo, running off the battlements and dying via fall damage.

     

     

    “Huhuhu, he looks kinda like you Medic, huhuhu!”

     

     

    Surprisingly, Scout was right. For you see, the man was not God, but was a doctor! "Gasp! But AIDS Monkey, why would there be a giant doctor in the sky?" Well, if you stopped asking questions, maybe I’d tell ya’!

     

     

    “MEN, THERE IS A GIANT MAN IN THE SKY!” announced Soldier, very observant of the situation at hand.

     

     

    “Golly gee Soldier, you might just be right!” agreed the Engineer, cute as usual.

     

     

    “My theories, they’re true!” exclaimed Pyro, both excitedly and fearfully.

     

    “What was that Pyro?” questioned Engineer.

     

     

    “We are simply figments of the imagination of a young comatose lad! And alas, he is waking up!” explained Pyro.

     

     

    “Gosh! Pyro, that theory might just be crazy enough to be true!” Realized Engineer, before coming to a terrifying realization. “And if that’s true, then that means… WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”

     

     

    “Huhu! Whaddya mean, Hardhat?”

     

     

    “Well, if we’re a part’a this kid’s dream, and, he’s wakin’ up from a coma… Then that means we’re about to suffer some kinda dream apocalypse! We’re goin’ down with the ship, boys!”, panicked Engineer.

     

     

    “I don’t get it!”, said Scout, oblivious as usual.

     

     

    “There’s no time to explain it any more, Scout! I’ve gotta get to work on somethin’! Meet me back in here in ten minutes!”, demanded Engineer, shooing the mercs off, with plans to meet again at the battlements.

     

     

    …

     

     

    Ten minutes had passed, and the mercs returned to see some sort of wacky contraption. What could it possibly be? “Well, I’m glad you asked!”, exclaimed Engiman. “This here’s a device I put together in order to help us escape our predicament. That is, of course, being that our very world is falling apart. With this bad boy here…” said Engineer, referencing his machine, “we might just be able to escape this crazy, cartoon world, and enter the REAL WORLD! I call it the Texan Trance Transcender-Tron!”

     

     

    “Huhuhu! That’s smart thinkin’ there, buddy! But what’s the plan to save this place once we escape? Huhu!”, questioned the Scout, everyone’s least favorite merc.

     

     

    “Scout, get the stupid outta your head and stop askin’ questions! We’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but for now, evacuation is the number one priority!” With that being said, Engineer flipped the switch on his device, and a magical light surrounded all the mercs, warping them to the outside world.

     

     

    So, with the mercs having escaped the boy’s dream, they of course find themselves in the hospital where the boy was left to live out his coma days. The mercs look around, finding things to be… a little… overwhelming. “Huhuhu! I look great!”, exclaimed the Scout.

     

     

     

    -------------------

     

     

    The mercs are free! But, of course, they do have plans to go back to the world they cherish dear. And how might they accomplish this, you might ask… Well, that’s where the update comes into play!

     

     

    The map is called “sd_hospitalhouse”. As previously mentioned, the mercs cannot allow the child to wake up, so they must knock him out, by force if necessary! So what’s the plan? Knock him over the head with a hammer so he NEVER wakes up!

     

     

    ...

     

     

    I have just been informed by child protective services that we aren’t allowed to physically beat a kid in a coma. So instead, we’ll take the non-violent route and overdose this son-of-a-bitch! How are we going to do this you ask? It’s easy! You see, in the depths of the hospital, the doctors keep pain medication on hand to treat patients. This medicine has an interesting side effect that induces drowsiness in the patients, as well as potential diarrhea. (But that's gross so I won't go into detail about it.) It’s your job as the mercs to grab this medicine and force it down ol’ Jimbo’s throat by standing next to him for upwards of twelve seconds trying to administer the medicine! (This is a special delivery map, after all!) Easy right? Well it is, if not for the fact that the doctor witnessed the whole thing!

     

     

    “You meddling mercenaries, how dare you mess with my patient!”

     

     

    Looks like doc was mad! And let me tell you, you won’t like him when he’s angry! The good doctor suddenly roared, sprouting bulging muscles and growing and turning purple! (It’s worth a mention he’s only purple in the update comic. In game he’s either red or blue, opposite your own team color. We can’t have new players getting confused, can we?) That’s right folks, it’s another gratuitous boss battle, this time Dr. Jesús Manner! As per the usual, he has many devastating attacks with which to devastate the mercs! These attacks include: stabbing you with infected needles, punching you, throwing you, spilling toxic chemicals on the floor that can be ignited with his FLAME BREATH for further damage, and throwing BOMBS! Upon defeating him, for your troubles, you get a cheap knockoff of the Ontergongologist’s Mirror, or whatever the Hell it’s called. It looks exactly the same, but it's paintable.

     

     

    Normally, this Is where I’d put all the cool new weapon and cosmetic ideas I have, but I’m too damn lazy right now to actually think of any new ones, so instead, let’s just add EVERY SINGLE ITEM I HAVE PREVIOSLY POSTED HERE!!! That’s right, all your favorite items, from the Texan Taxi Cab to the Jammin’ Jelly to the Texan Turtleback to the Bushman’s Bubble Wand to the Boston Foot-Long to the Boa Constructor, all here for your gaming pleasure! Have fun balancing that one, Valve! Of course, the wacky taunts and cosmetics would come along, too!

     

     

    --------------------------------

     

     

    And so, that brings an end to my final update. Now, before I go, I must first confess my sins. You see my friends; I have no plans on what I am to do when this forum shuts down. There are no plans to migrate, no plans to lurk, no plans for anything. I’m nothing more than a creation manufactured for the sake of popularity and attention hogging, just like your average Youtube celebrity. Poor ol’ AIDS is going down with the ship, so I’d like to bid you all adieu. And now, with my last breath, I’d like to say a few words: "Ooh ooooooh ooh ooooooh ooh oooooh ah ah, ooh ooooooh ooh ooooooh ah ah!" And with that, I make my leave. It was fun knowing you my friends, but this is AIDS Monkey, signing off for the last time… at least until I have to respond to comments.

     

     

    (My one regret is that I won’t be able to say “I-told-ya’-so” when my comic ending winds up being way better than Valve’s)

     

     

    And there you have it! An ancient piece of SPUF history completely restored by yours truly! Obviously, I lied at the end there about not coming back. It was just my way of attention whoring or something. But until next time, this is LordAIDS Monkey signing out! Happy SPUFFiversary, y'all!

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  16. Posted

    Wait just one minute! Why the heck would anybody in the right mind watch a 15 minute video about some wacky waifu playing a videogame? I mean, it's better than watching a 15 minute long video about that Pewdy fella',  but this is still absolutely unacceptable in my book! The entire idea of this stuff existing is funny. But not so much in a good way. Yikes! But I won't judge none, because I have my own wacky interests that shall not be mentioned.

  19. Posted · Edited by LordAIDS Monkey

    1 hour ago, LordAIDS Monkey said:

    You fools! Succubi are EVIL! They are not cute, and they are not good for you, hence why the entire purpose of the update was to kiss the succubus!

    Did I actually typo "kiss" instead of "kill", or did I get stealth edited by a mischievous mod? Either way, I think I'll keep it like that because I found it funny. Also, the mercs are totally good, and they can beat a succubus any day!

  23. Posted · Edited by LordAIDS Monkey

    15 minutes ago, Wing Lee said:

     

    You lsot me

     

    Shooty. Not only has my humble thread been de-railed, but I also have no clue what's going on! To make matters worse, your response must have been pretty clever to have gotten that rep, yet I still don't get it. Such as sad time to be me! And to top it all off, the forums are broken yet again!

  25. Posted · Edited by LordAIDS Monkey

    (This update post, in a true Valve fashion, was DELAYED. It was originally supposed to be for Valentine’s Day! Keep that in mind, friends!)

     

    Howdy there, my SPUFpowered friends! It is I, LordAIDS Monkey, here to share with you all yet another exciting TF2 update, because I love you all! That’s right! I love each and every one of you! (Except you, Scout!) Anywho, I know that Valentine’s Day has already passed, but I think it’s always a good time to share both love and TF2 Update Ideas! Today I’d like to introduce the MATCHMAKING UPDATE...! Wait, whaddya mean there’s already a Matchmaking Update? Oh well, let’s just forget about that atrocity and pretend it never happened!  Allow me to present the backstory for this weird and wacky TF2 Update, The BETTER Matchmaking Update.

     

    ------

    Spoiler

     

    It was a normal day in 2Fort. The RED mercenaries were all out and about, gunning down any baddies who got in their way. But one mercenary in particular wasn’t interested in shooting anybody, not today at least. You see, the Scout had other plans. Today Scout had a hot night with Miss Pauling planned, so instead of gearing up for battle, he was gearing up for… well… something else.

     

    “Huhuhuhu! Tonight’s the night I get laid!” Announced Scout to all his friends.

     

    “Now now, Scout! You know that you’re livin’ a fantasy. Miss Pauling ain’t interested in ya’, and you know it! She don’t like idiots, she likes smart guys! Smart guys like me. And you know, I had better things done come outta my ass than what’s come outta your feeble mind, Scout! So quit fantasizin’ ‘bout the impossible, and get out there and kill yourself, you stupid idiot!” Yelled Engineer!

     

    “Huhu! Naw, that ain’t cool, Hardhat! Miss Pauling’s totally into me. Anyway, I best get going. I’ve got a date to catch!” Scout sprinted off, excited to meet Miss Pauling.

     

    Engineer spoke up again. “Wait! Scout! Before ya’ go, I got somethin’ to say. Ya’ll may not think you have a chance in us. And you’re right! We all know you’ve got nothin’ to prove, and it’s impossible to disappoint us ‘cause we don’t believe in ya’ anyway. Now get out there. Go and make an idiot of ‘yerself. Remember. We’re all waitin’ for you to fail, here.”

     

    “I’ll show you! I’ll show all of you what a sexy beast I can be!” Cried the Scout, as left for his date.

     

    …

     

    Scout arrived to the restaurant where he expected to meet Miss Pauling. Of course, she wasn’t there. But we all expected that, Scout’s a goddamn loser. “Huhuhu! Don’t count your chicken’s ‘till they hatch, pally! She’ll be here soon enough.” So the Scout waited, and waited, and waited. And Miss Pauling never came. You see, the problem was the idiot never even invited her to dinner. But it’s not like that matters, because she wouldn’t have shown up anyway. Eventually, Scout was kicked out of the restaurant, and so he began walking back to his base, sobbing.

     

    “Huhhuuhhuh! Wahhh! Why won’t anyone give me their love! I am totally lovable! Just look at me!” It was no wonder why Scout had no friends.

     

    But all of a sudden, Scout heard angelic singing from above. “Huh? Who’s there? Huhuh.” Scout looked all around, but could see nothing.

     

    “Look up, cutiepie!” Said a strange, yet oddly hypnotic voice.

     

    “Huhuhu! Did someone call me a cut-…?” Scout looked up, and saw… the perfect woman! “Huhuhu! You’re hot! Wanna bang?!” Asked the Scout, polite as usual.

     

    (But you’re probably wondering just who this mysterious woman is... Well, wonder no more! She’s none other than THE MATCHMAKER, of course! The magical fairy? of love!

     

    The Matchmaker spoke to the Scout, “Absolutely not! My dear little Scout, I have come here because I saw that you were sad. And I’m here to brighten your day!” The Matchmaker waved her wand, and all of a sudden, another Scout appeared. But it wasn’t just ANY Scout! It was BLU Scout, the sworn enemy of RED Scout!

     

    “Huhuhu! Heya, pally! We gonna fight today?”

     

    “Huhu. I got nothing to better to do. I got stood up today!”
     

    “Huhuh! Me too! Say, we got a lot in common, Scout!”

     

    “Yeah, you’re right!”

     

    “Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu!!!”

     

    Both Scouts began to laugh in unison, and The Matchmaker began to laugh along with them. She waved her magic wand at both RED and BLU Scouts, and exclaimed, “MATCH MADE!” All of a sudden, the two Scouts were surrounded in a mysterious light. Both Scouts could feel themselves coming together, as if they were two parts becoming a whole. When the light vanished, there was only one Scout standing there. But he was not RED or BLU Scout! He was PURPLE SCOUT!? Holy smokes! It would seem as if The Matchmaker used her Matchmaking Magic™  to fuse the two Scouts!

     

    “Huhuhu! What happened? I feel great!” Purple Scout shouted with glee.

     

    “Well, Scout. My ability is to fuse together good matches so they can live happily together, forever! And it seemed that you two were just perfect for each other!” Explained The Matchmaker.

     

    “Golly gee, thanks Miss! Say, you wouldn’t happen to have any more of that matchmaking magic, would ya’? I got some friends that could really use a little excitement in their life! Huhuhuhuhuhu!”

     

    A wicked smile crept onto The Matchmaker’s face. “Just lead the way!” Uh oh!

     

    …

     

    Back at 2Fort, the RED mercenaries were hanging out in the spawn, because BLU was spawn-camping them. Soon enough, the spawn door opened up, and in came our hero, the Purple Scout! “Huhuhu! Heya guys!”

     

    “No! Close ze door, dummkopf!” Shouted the Medic, as a crit rocket flew in from outside, gibbing him instantly. It’s a real shame, too, because Medic was about 3% away from a full charge.

     

    “Scout, what the Hell happened to you?” Exclaimed Engineer, referring to Scout’s purple outfit. “You look even more like a faggot than you usually do!”

     

    “Huhuhu! I found true love!”

     

    “Scout, the day you find true is the day that I-I… I don’t even know what! You ain’t ever gonna find it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Engineer continued taunting the Scout, until the spawn door opened once again, and in stepped The Matchmaker.

     

    “Oh, heya Miss!” Said Scout to his new friend.

     

    “HOLY CRAP, SCOUT! YOU KNOW HER?!” Engineer dropped his toolbox in surprise, and his dispenser quickly grew erect. “HOW THE HELL DID SOMEBODY LIKE YOU GET SOMEONE LIKE HER?!”

     

    “Oh, yeah. I know her all right. But she ain’t my date, silly! But she hooked me up real nice! And now she’s here to help all you!”

     

    “That’s right! I’m here to set you all up with perfect matches!” The Matchmaker began to laugh maniacally as she waved her wand again. The BLU mercenaries spawn-camping just outside were sucked into the spawn room, where they were forcefully fused with their RED counterparts! “And... PRESTO! No need to thank me! Seeing all of you so happy is all the thanks I need!”

     

    But the mercenaries, all with big frowns on their faces, were clearly not happy at all with the matches that The Matchmaker had matched! But she was fully aware of this, because she isn’t really the fairy of love, but she’s the fairy of EVIL! All of a sudden, she poofed away into a cloud of hearts (and evil), all while still laughing! The newly formed Purple Team immediately began to plan revenge against the wicked fairy!

     

     

    ------

     

    Here’s the tl;dr version for you people that have better uses for their time: The Scout gets rejected by Miss Pauling and meets a magical fairy who fuses the RED team and BLU team together.

     

    ------

     

    Yikes! Now that’s a real doozy of a backstory for a real doozy of an update! With the mercenaries all fused together, the only logical plan is to seek the wicked fairy out, and kill her in hopes that her death will reverse the spell! Unbeknownst to to the mercenaries, The Matchmaker is actually A SUCCUBUS, and is far more evil (and lovely) than they can even begin to understand! Being a succubus gal down on her luck,  her evil plan is to fuse folks together in order to harvest their souls twice as fast when it comes to intercourse! How mean! Anyway, using Scout’s lust as a dowsing rod, they are able to locate The Matchmaker’s evil home of love, and the new map of this update!

     

    The new map would be called The Love Dungeon and would be the home of an all new game mode, called ‘Infiltration Mode’. The objective would be to battle your way through The Matchmaker’s lair, fighting off her many minions. The minions are all just bots, and must be defeated in order to advance to the next room. The rooms would start out very lovey-dovey, but get progressively more sinister and challenging as you advance, up until the moment where you reach the final room, where THE EVIL MATCHMAKER AWAITS, IN HER TRUE SUCCUBUS FORM! (Which is undeniably sexy, as long as you’re into succubus girls, you buncha freaks.)

     

    Room1_cam2.jpg

    The Matchmaker's Evil Throne Room. Yikes!!

     

    Once you reach The Matchmaker’s throne room, an exciting boss battle begins! And who might this boss battle be? If you need me to answer that question, then you’re officially a dumbass! Don’t be fooled by The Matchmaker’s good looks, because she’s quite NASTY in battle, (and in bed.) Yes, she’d be the most challenging boss in all of TF2 history, because in order to beat her, you’d need to have TEAM COORDINATION! And God knows nobody in this game has that. She’d have a variety of many dangerous attacks. One particularly devastating attack would be drawing you toward her with an alluring force, where she will then suck your soul out. There is no escape, unless a teammate melee hits you out of your trance. She’d also have an attack where she FUSES you with a bomb, (much like Merasmus does with his bomb heads). The only twist here is that the bomb explosion can damage teammates! So in order to save your team, you must run into The Matchmaker, leaving her stunned for a period of time. She’d have many more attacks that would require team coordination to successfully avoid, such as sucking you off ‘till you explode.I Indeed The Matchmaker is not an enemy to be trifled with!

     

    Once The Matchmaker is defeated, huge demon arms reach out from her fireplace, dragging her back to the depths of Hell from whence she came. Don’t worry, though! I’m sure she’ll be back some other day, because I sure do love to reuse my update villains for sequels that nobody asked for! (*cough* Smissmas Dinosaur *cough*). After her defeat, her magical fusion spell reverts, and all the players in the server are randomly assigned to either RED or BLU. This is where the bloodbath occurs, where there is a final death-match between the two teams, where the winning team gets all sorts of wacky achievements! Including the all new F2P achievement hat that you’ll learn to hate! The hat, this time, being The Matchmaker’s Magical Tiara. (She dropped it as she was being dragged back to Hell.)

     

    a880ddca9c8a797af7077c0bac4c940d.jpg

    Everyone will hate you for wearing this.

     

    No self-respecting TF2 update would be complete without exciting new weaponry! And this is no exception! So buckle up as I share with you a whopping THREE RESKINS and ONE “NEW” WEAPON!

    Spoiler

     

    (all these weapons have a unique kill animation where the victim turns into a cupid baby and flies away to find true love)

     

    The Matchmaking Wand!

    This is a stock melee reskin based off The Matchmaker's Wand, however it’s superior to the puny stock due to it’s fantastic kill taunt, where the user casts a magic spell that shoots a heart of death at the victim. Also, it’s all class, so Engie and Spy can use it. Whoopee!

     

    The Lovely Healer!

    A Medi Gun reskin that, rather than have a healing beam, shoots a bunch of hearts, because Medic loves his patients.

     

    Cupid’s Arrow!

    This is a huntsman reskin, where Sniper shoots cute heart arrows. The unique death animation only plays on bodyshot kills. Headshot kills still have the regular animation.

     

    Spoiler

     

    The Boston Foot-Long!

    On hit from behind: Victim is inflicted with “love” status condition.

    -40% attack speed

    -30% damage penalty

    -99% melee range

    No random critical hits

     

    This is the one “new” weapon for this update. I say “new”, because this weapon is just recycled bullcrap from the original SPUF, and just so happened to be my VERY FIRST POST there! The nostalgia is killing me, but not as much as this weapon will kill your opponents! The love debuff is simply a fancy way of saying that the victim gets covered in mad milk, and also gets inflicted with bleed for a few seconds.

     

     

    And with a name like The Better Matchmaking Update, you’d expect some changes to the matchmaking system, right? YOU ARE CORRECT! With this update, you could expect to see the entirety of the matchmaking system completely removed! Hooray!

     

    1427248330.jpg

    "The only thing that sucks harder than you...?  Is me!" -The Matchmaker

     

    Anyway, that’s all for today’s thrilling update. Stay tuned for more exciting TF2 update ideas, amongst other things. But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, SIGNING OUT!

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