LordCOVID Monkey
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Posts posted by LordCOVID Monkey
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Why, it's a pre-Valentine's Day miracle! Whoopie!!
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42 minutes ago, TheOnlyGuyEver said:Do those anime cat girls have two sets of ears?
All the better to hear you with, my dear!
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2 hours ago, TheOnlyGuyEver said:
I do not like him because he done do'd a dab.
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5 hours ago, TheOnlyGuyEver said:Fuck, I remember the original post.
Yes! It's hard to believe that this classic is almost three years old!
4 hours ago, Wing Lee said:
That is a cute snake.
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Hello to all you good Sub-SPUF folks! It's me, LordAIDS Monkey! Normally, I only come around to post some wild and wacky TF2 update I've cooked up, but as fate would would have it, I'm already dry out of ideas, despite this only being my fourth or so major post! But never fear! As an excuse to return to my old ways (the anime profile image is gone, see?!), I've decided to shed some light on a past idea of mine, from the not-so-golden days of SPUF! You may be wondering why I put great emphasis on the word "shed", well, wonder no more! This particular update just so happens to be an old favorite of mine... THE SNAKE UPDATE!! Boy oh boy, I can't wait!
Unfortunately, there is no existing documentation of the original update, (I was too drunk and lazy to save it myself), so I instead plan to revisit and tweak the fantastic concepts of the original! Now, to some, the idea of snakes being the entire foundation of a TF2 update may seem a bit random, but after a quick hisssstory lesson, you'll understand. You see, snakes are actually one of the most DANGEROUS hazards during war-time, and it seems as if our beloved game is severely lacking in these serpentine scoundrels! So let's jump right into the update!
The Snake Update would transport our heroes into the middle of a sacred snake shrine, where they must fight in order to please the benevolent snake god, Glycon! The main draw of this update is the exciting new game mode that comes with it, which I have deemed "Sneak and Take the Snakes". The map, named "Temple of Glycon" (or satts_temple_of_glycon for you nerds) would be very adventurous, featuring rope bridges, lush greenery, ancient ruins, and most important of all, snakes! The map would be symmetrical, with overgrown ruins scattered throughout the center, providing cover for mercs!
A look into the theming of the map! How quaint!
The objective of the gamemode would be quite interesting, indeed! As usual in any TF2 gamemode, killing the enemy is awfully important! But in this gamemode, when you kill an enemy, a bundle of real life snakes spawns over their dead body! It is your job to collect these snake bundles and deliver them to the Snake Shrine. (Which is in the middle somewhere.) You can carry up to three bundles at a time, but make sure you don’t die while you have any, or they’ll be easy pickings for the enemy! Once the snakes have been brought to the shrine, they are added to the HUD, from which they cannot be removed. This highly repetitive battle between sides will continue for a couple of minutes, until a certain timer hits 0. “But what happens when the timer hits 0?” you may ask. “Does the team with the most snakes win?” Of course not! That’d make too much sense! You see, what I have planned is far more convoluted and pointless than that!
When the timer hits 0, neither teams win, and both teams are warped to separate sections of the map! In both the (secluded) RED and BLU sections, one of the wicked and hideous MEDUSISTAS will spawn. (Redusa or Meblusa. BLU team fights Redusa, the cuter of the two sisters, while RED team fights Meblusa, the prettier of the two sisters!) Normally, this would spell danger for the mercenaries, but this is basically a non-threat considering the circumstances. You see, Glycon was very pleased when you fed him sacrifices, and now he wants to help you take down your respective Medusa! Each team gets their own Glycon, and his power level will vary based on how many snakes you collected, ranging from wimpy, to near-perfect! Obviously, the more powerful your Glycon, the quicker the Medusa will go down. Whichever team defeats their Medusa first claims victory, meaning that even the team who lost the initial match can still win the round! But, the team who won the first round will have a clear advantage in the long run, so it’s fair, right!?
"One strike and you're out!" -Redusa
Of course, Medusa is no cake walk, even with a powered up Glycon! She’d have a multitude of dangerous attacks, including summoning Snakenadoes, which is like a sharknado, only with snakes. She can also turn you to stone just by looking at you funny. Additionally, she can lunge at you with her point snakey fangs and inject you with deadly venom! She can also use her sharp and venomous snakey claws to gouge your eyeballs out. Also, she can chuck bombs at you, that deal devastating amounts of damage. Upon defeating Redusa/Meblusa, they will turn to stone and explode. This awards you an achievement and a dopey snake hat! Whoopie!
And no update is complete without its fair share of weapons, and lemme tell ya’, the Snake Update’s got MORE THAN ENOUGH to deliver in that department! So I’m gonna stop jabberin’, and post a bunch of SNAKE themed weaponry!
SNAKE THEMED WEAPONRY!
SpoilerCookin’ Cobra (Pyro Primary)
Alt-Fire lays a venomous trap that can be ignited, dealing massive damage!
Cannot extinguish allies.
-10% damage penalty.
No random crits.
Black Mamba (Demoman Primary)
Hit enemies are covered in snakes.
Enemies covered in snakes take melee crits.
Projectile explodes on impact with surface, but does not deal damage. (Still covers people in snakes!)
-50% clip size.
-25% damage penalty.
The One-Eyed Snake (Demoman Secondary)
Fires venomous, sticky traps
Enemies walking over sticky traps are slowed
Hitting an enemy with two sticky explosions in one detonation covers them in milk
+20% firing speed
-40% damage penalty
No random crits.
The Sworpent (Demoman Melee)
On hit: Victim bleeds (But it's actually toxic poison!)
-20% fire rate
No random crits.
The Pie-Thon (Heavy Secondary)
Acts as a small health kit to you and allies.
Alt-fire: Throw a sneaky, snakey trap for enemies. Any enemy who steps on it is attacked by a snake hiding in the pie.
The Boa Constructor (Engineer PDA)
Allows you to build sentries with snakes on it. (Purely cosmetic)
On kill: Victim turns into a horde of angry snakes that will hunt down Engineer, and drag him to their snake hole, where they will eat him. Engineer is completely defenseless against these snakes, and running away is the only option. If Engineer is captured, he is not dead until he is dragged to the snake hole. There is no escape from the snakes once he is caught, unless a teammate taunts near him, in which a new taunt is engaged where they save him from the snakes by pulling him away. Enemies can also kill the Engineer, saving him from death by snakes.
The Sin-Tree (Engineer PDA)
Allows you to build an INVISIBLE sentry! (Snakes hiding in a very well camouflaged tree!)
Sentry is close range only, but deals considerable burst damage, and causes bleed!
Sentry makes a distinct hissing sound, making it possible to locate.
Sentry decloaks when enemies are near it.
The Wrath of Glycon (Medic Secondary)
On Uber: A swarm of snakes appears around patient, and transforms them into Glycon temporarily! This grants them a crazy high damage resistance, and all new forms of attack that are the same on every class. This also grants Medic a 50% damage resistance, and crit immunity. (Attacks include a very dangerous projectile attack where a snakes are launched like a rocket, an acidic flamethrower attack, dealing crazy damage over time, and a close range snake-fist bite attack that inflicts bleed.)
+50% Uber duration
-40% Uber build rate
Attacking and getting damaged while in Glycon form will deplete uber faster. (Close range attack does not deplete uber)
If Medic dies while patient is under the effects of Uber, the Medic turns into a horde of angry snakes that will hunt down patient, and drag him to their snake hole, where they will eat him. The patient is completely defenseless against these snakes, and running away is the only option. If the patient is captured, he is not dead until he is dragged to the snake hole. There is no escape from the snakes once he is caught, unless a teammate taunts near him, in which a new taunt is engaged where they save him from the snakes by pulling him away. Enemies can also kill the patient saving him from death by snakes.
The Boa and Arrow (Sniper Primary)
On hit: Causes bleed
Cannot deal headshot damage
The Viper Rifle (Sniper Primary)
On headshot kill: A snake is lodged into the enemy’s brain, and eats them from the inside-out. Extremely graphic.
The Snake Attack (Spy Melee)
Reskin of stock, but with a nifty new taunt!
Taunt: Spy pulls out Medusa’s severed head, pointing it to the enemy! Anyone in front of him during the animation is turned into stone, and dies. In that order.
The Snakey Spy (Spy Disguise Kit)
Has a new disguise animation where Spy sheds his skin to become a new class.
Shed skin can be picked up by allies, and consumed as a small health kit.
Disguise 15% slower
And of course, we oughta include Valve’s moneymaker, the OVERPRICED TAUNTS!
OVERPRICED TAUNTS!
SpoilerThe Snake Charmer
An enchanted pot appears in front of your merc, as they sit down next to it and they pull out their Charmer’s Flute (Scout gets a kazoo). A snake will pop out of the pot, and the snake begins to dance as they play. All the mercs play a very nice song, and the snake is very pleased. Except for in the case of Scout, where the snake is agitated, and lashes out against him. The Scout is completely defenseless against this snake, and running away is the only option. If the Scout is captured, he is not dead until he is dragged to the snake hole. There is no escape from the snake once he is caught, unless a teammate taunts near him, in which a new taunt is engaged where they save him from the snake by pulling him away. Enemies can also kill the Scout, saving him from death by snakes.
The Magical Snake
On activation, you are magically transformed into a snake. (Of course, the mercs still have their own heads, and not some kind of snakey head.) You can slither around freely, and you can kill enemies also using this taunt by slithering in front of them.
But, of course, there would also be all sorts of wacky, snakey cosmetics shipped in this update, including a snake hat, and the illusive Trouser Snake.
That concludes the re-visitation of an age-old concept. While the true Snake Update may be dead, hopefully this recreation serves as a reminder of what could have been. Anyways, I look forward to posting, FRESH new content, along with rehashes of past things I’ve posted! But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing out!
All hail Lord Glycon!
BONUS CONTENT!
SpoilerRehashing a past idea is great and all, but The Snake Update deserves better, which is why I have decided to include all new, bonus content to keep things fresh! So here you go, three all new gamemodes that *will (won’t ever) be shipped with The Snake Update!
1. The first mini-game mode will be based on the idea of those pesky snake hordes that drag you away! In this map, the mercs will be exploring the depths of an ancient temple, where the snake gods are not pleased with the trespassing onto their turf. The map will be littered with grouchy snakes, who will grapple onto you and try to take you away! You are, of course, completely defenseless against these snakes, and running away is the only option. And remember to not get caught by them, or you’ll be dragged not to a snake hole, but to the DEPTHS OF HELL. Once you die, you stay dead. There is no respawn in this train-wreck of a gamemode! You can still shoot and kill the enemy, but be wary, as upon their deaths, they will become a hoard of snakes that will hunt your ass down. The map would have plenty of platforms and elevated surfaces to help escape the snakes, but just know that no matter how much you try to get away, they will find you and kill you.
2. The second mini-game mode will be based on the fantastic new taunt, The Magical Snake. All players will be in their snake form by default, and the goal is to grow big and strong by eating squirrels, and also dead enemies. You can kill enemies by getting them to crash into you, or, by summoning a hawk from above to attack them. But how does one summon a hawk from above? Why, by collecting hawk eggs scattered throughout the map and striking up a deal with the Head Hawk! Once the deal has been made, you can select a target for the hawk to kill. You can also die by crashing into yourself or a wall, if you’re stupid enough to let that happen.
3. The final mini-game mode will be an intense boss battle. In this alternate story, both teams must work together to defeat one of the most powerful enemies in TF2 canon. No, not the Medusistas, but LORD GLYCON HIMSELF! In this battle, he will have reached his perfect form, a form unobtainable in normal game-play. Glycon will have many attacks, (many of which are similar to that one Medigun listed above). These attacks are the snake rocket, acidic flamethrower, snake bite punch, and an all new attack where he throws bombs at you! Watch out, or you’ll become the next sacrifice for our lord and savior, Glycon!
That concludes the bonus content! Bye!
A 1970 Corvette reacted to this -
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1 hour ago, Gyokuyoutama said:Translating the AIDS monkeys 2hu ratings using the official Gensokyo Powered chart, we get the following spuffer ranking (apologies to people who never visit here for screwing up half these names):
It's not the AIDS Monkey 2hu Ratings List. It's the DEFINITIVE Top Touhou List, meaning that it's pretty much official. (I used a highly sophisticated method to figure this stuff out.) Plus, your list is incorrect, because if it were based off of the DEFINITIVE Top Touhou List, I'd be number 5, silly goose. (Also, I'm under the implication you never assigned a SPUF fella to Shizuha! Shame on you.)
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Hello there, once again SubSPUF pals! It’s the Holiday Season, and we all know what that means! It’s time for an all new, exciting Smissmas Update idea! “But LordAIDS Monkey”, you may ask, “didn’t we already get a new update in the form of all new taunts and a Smissmas Stocking?!” Yes! We did, and let me say that Valve’s new excuse for a Smissmas routine has really grown quite tired! But never fear, I’m HERE to introduce to all you an EXCITING new idea, cooked up a year in advance so that Valve might borrow (steal) and implement it for NEXT YEAR’S UPDATE! So sit back, relax, and enjoy the thrilling idea!
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It was a normal day in TF2 Land. But it wasn’t just ANY normal day! It was a normal Smissmas Day, and the Scout was throwing his yearly Smissmas Bash! All the mercs, of course, attended Scout’s little party. As Scout was going around, making sure all the guests were enjoying the festivities, he heard a peculiar noise that no party host ever wants to hear. “Ayyy, this party SUCKS!” shouted the drunken Demoman.
“Huhuhuh! Heya, pally! There's no need to be feeling blue about my party! We’re bringing out the piñata soon, so good times are sure arise!” assured Scout. As Scout spoke, a knocking was heard at his door.
“Yeehaw! Looks like we company, Scout! Don’t ya’ll worry, I’ll open the door faster than a barrel down a hill.” Engineer opened the door, and his jaw dropped immediately upon seeing who their guest was. Their guest was none other than the Smissmas Dinosaur himself!
“Hello there, my little mercenaries. I’m here to warn you to be wary!
The Smissmas Holiday is currently in danger, and it’s all thanks to some mysterious stranger!
I don’t know who or what it is. But one thing’s for sure, it hates Smissmas!
So I humbly ask you for your aid, and as a reward, you shall be greatly paid.
No, not with money or things of that gist. But with a place on my jolly, nice list!”
The mercenaries were unsure if they wanted to help the Smissmas Dinosaur. Afterall, he has tried to kill them on multiple occasions. (For those of you who are not aware, the Smissmas Dinosaur has been a recurring villain of sorts, as the mercenaries are always on the naughty list!) The mercenaries were also a bit confused as to what the task at hand was. Smissmas in danger? What?! Scout spoke up. “Huhuhu! Hey, Mr. Dinosaur, I for one, would love to help ya’ out! But, uh, what is it exactly you want us to do? Huhuhu.”
“If we want to see our halls be decked, then I have some gifts you must protect!
For many of the presents I’ve made this year, have vanished, yes, disappeared!
A menace must be behind this trick... It must be a holiday-hating-prick!
So I ask of you, dear little Scout! Please figure what this mess is about!
If you don’t, Smissmas will take a bad toll! And you’ll all be receiving some dino-shit coal.”
“Well, count us in then!” The mercs all shouted with glee! Yes, for once the mercs have all unanimously agreed on something. And thus it was decided, that they would seek out this holiday-hater. But, who in the right mind WOULD be such a holiday hater? Let’s find out!
Meanwhile, in a dark, snowy cavern, was a tall figure sitting by a warm fire lit by burning Smissmas presents and the dreams of children. “Gah. I hate presents. I hate snow, I hate that dinosaur. But most of all, I HATE SMISSMAS!” This monster was none other than… THE BAH-HUM BUG! And this guy is bad news for sure! He decided to, once more, steal the presents and dreams of children. And so he donned his hat, and set out.
Later, the mercenaries were guarding their presents, and that’s when the Bah-Hum Bug appeared! “Hello mercenaries. Just step aside, and I’ll be taking your gifts.”
“Huhuhu! No chance, pally! These gifts are the property of the children, so you aren’t getting them!” Scout and his friends all formed a great barrier to block the Bah-Hum Bug’s attempts, but the Bah-Hum Bug came prepared to deal with these silly mercs.“Hmmph! Fine then! Get a taste of THIS!” Suddenly, the Bah-Hum Bug began absorbing the holiday spirit from all the mercenaries! “Hahaha! This will make great fuel for my fire back home! Now step aside, those gifts are MINE!” The mercenaries, now essentially soulless, listened to the Bah-Hum Bug. The Bah-Hum Bug made off with the gifts, and this is where our update begins!
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This update would be shipped with an all new game-mode, that ties directly to my Smissmas Story! The gamemode, Smissmas Spirit, will feature take place in a fairly large map, split off into two separate zones. In the first zone is where the bulk of the match will occur. The decor here would be some sort of snowy hill, with a couple of structures to provide shelter. Here, RED and BLU will be pitted in a usually death match, where the objective is to kill one another, and collect the small bits of holiday spirit from their victims. There will also be small spawns of holiday spirit across the map that must be collected. After a set time, the first portion of the map will come to an end. Whichever team collects the most holiday spirit wins this portion.
Now this where things get REAL crazy. After the first portion of the game, the mercs are magically teleported into the Bah-Hum Bug’s icy lair. Whichever team won the first portion of the game receives significant buffs in this second portion of the match. But in this second portion, the objective is not to kill one another, but to kill the Bah-Hum Bug himself! That’s right! The Bah-Hum Bug makes an appearance as the boss this update! He’d, of course, have many dangerous attacks at his disposal, including throwing bombs, throwing presents, throwing present bombs, and a short-ranged attack that absorbs your holiday spirit, draining all your ammo and dropping you to 1 hp. (But an FYI, Scouts using the Wrap Assassin or Candy Cane, Heavies using Holiday Punch, and Spies using the Spycicle will be immune to this effect! However, festive weapons will not be immune, so don’t ask, you P2W sluts!) Respawn will be disabled during the second phase, so don’t die! If both teams die, everybody loses. If you happen to be alive when the Bah-Hum Bug dies, you win completely independent of your team! If you don’t win, you don’t get any goodies. Too bad!
And what are these goodies I speak of? Well, a mandatory achievement that earns you the Bah-Hum Bug’s hat! But there are even more great achievements that can be earned, including the obligatory achievement where you must win on this map 8,000 times.
"BAH HUMBUG!" -Bah-Hum Bug
And what update would be complete without WEAPONS!? Well, according to Valve, every update is acceptable as long as they’re making money. But in my book, we oughta have weapons. So I’m gonna list a few neat concepts for you all! The mercenaries were all on the nice list this year, so they have the Smissmas Dinosaur’s permission to be total douches next year, with these cool new weapons that’ll make your team sure to hate you!
The Speed Snatcher
Level 0 Bat
Hit teammates to steal 10% of their speed for 3 seconds
-30% damage
No random crits
Scout can hiit teammates to take 10% of their speed to add to your own for 10 seconds. If you hit a medic healing you, you can infinitely stack speed boosts because Valve bugs are fun!
The Tragic Tap
Level 0 Battle Banner
Buff built through death of allies in a nearby radius
Buff refills health
Buff grants full crits
Buff only applies to user
This is a Soldier Banner! It fills up by ⅓ everytime a teammate dies near you. Once full, you can blow it like a regular banner, restoring your health and granting crits to you for 10 seconds.
The Pain-Bow
Level 0 Flamethrower
Damage increases by 15% for each teammate on fire
Can not extinguish teammates
No random crits
This is a Pyro Flamethrower that promotes W+M1, the likes of which no one has ever seen. For each teammate on fire, anywhere, you gain a damage increase. But you can’t extinguish pals!
Sharing is Caring
Level 0 Lunchbox
Feed a sandvich to a teammate to become bound to them
If your bound teammate dies, you recieve mini crits for 2 seconds
Sandwiches don’t heal
An all new sandvich for heavy! If this weapon doesn’t teach Heavies to share their damn Sandviches, nothing will. Eating it yourself doesn’t do anything. Don’t eat it.
The Frontier Vengeance
Level 0 Shotgun
Gain two revenge crits for every teammate that dies
You do not receive revenge crits if you have an active sentry
-50% clip size
No random crits
This is an Engie shotgun! It gains two revenge crits every time a teammate dies, keeping them stored on your HUD. You receive your crits whenever your active sentry goes down.
Health Insurance
Level 0 Medigun
Uber grants invincibility, knockback immunity, megaheal, 100% crit chance, and speed boost
+500% Uber build rate.
Uber remains in effect after weapon switch
-40% Uber duration
Uber only triggers on patient death
Uber does not affect patients
This is a Medigun! It functions like stock, but Uber builds REALLY fast! The catch is that it only activates when your patient dies, and is only capable of affecting the medic wielding it.
Strength in Numbers
Level 0 Sniper Rifle
Gain 20% bodyshot damage for each sniper on your team
Headshots only deal mini-crits
Can only fire when scoped
This is an all new rifle! This weapon rewards you to play as Outback Steakhouse Man, as they say, strength in numbers! You get a damage boost for the more snipers you have!
The Double-Double Agent
Level 0 Disguise Kit
Spy can initiate pain-links by backstabbing teammates
When disguised, you take 50% less damage and will not receive status effects
Cannot disguise manually
Pain-link partner receives other 25% of regular damage
This is an all new disguise kit! It allows you to form a bond like no other with your team. When disguised as them, they take some damage for you. You can't disguise as enemies at all!
Demoman doesn’t get anything because he can just play Demoknight if he wants his team to hate him.
And that's a wrap! Merry Smissmas to all you good folks! As always, I look forward to sharing more fantastic update ideas with you in the future. But until that day comes, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing OUT!
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9 hours ago, hugthebed2 said:I was expecting some sort of twist but got none, and that's okay.
A twist, you say? Let's not be silly, it's the Happiest Time of the Year, after all. That being said, there's definitely more to this enchanted tale than meets the eye!
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Greetings, my SubSPUF buddies! Today I bring to you a blast from the past, and an old favorite of mine! The story of Scout and his dream for a White Smissmas. Will he get? Find out in this hit poem by yours truly!
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T’was the night before Smissmas, and all through the house,
The mercs were all sleepy, especially Scout.
The mercs all put on their jammies with the utmost care,
In hopes the Smissmas Dinosaur soon would be there.
As Scout gazed out the window, and looked to the sky,
A shooting star flew, quickly nearby.
“Oh please star, oh please star, just grant me my wish,
I wish just for snow, for tomorrow’s Smissmas!”
Scout returned to bed, his eyes shut like gates,
And for Smissmas morning, he eagerly waits.
As dear little Scout slept, he did have a dream,
He dreamt of Miss Pauling, or so it did seem.
Come morning, Scout awoke in a Winter Wonderland,
Not knowing what sort of magic was at hand.
“My wish, my wish, it has come true!”
But looking around, the true reason he knew.
“Huhuhu, I’m just like Jack Frost!” said little Scout.
And so he set off to spread joy all about.
Some joy for the Sniper, big Heavy and Pyro,
For Medic, Soldier, Spy, Engie, and Demo!
The mercs all awoke with great surprise and fright,
“Merry Smissmas to all, and to all a good night!”...
Looks like everyone's favorite guy got his wish in the end! If this Christmas Classic is to be believed, anything can happen if you just wish upon a star! Anyway, that's it for now, but stay tuned for another Christmas surprise that should surface... eventually!!
LordAIDS Monkey, signing out!
hugthebed2, Mersopolis and A 1970 Corvette reacted to this -
Does the Second Banana have an alt-fire where you lay a slippery trap for your victims? I sure hope so!
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2 minutes ago, Facade said:it's not even October yet, bit early
That logic never stopped folks from getting caught up in the Christmas spirit the second Halloween passes. Besides that, I wanted to post something before Valve inevitably announces they aren't doing anything for Halloween this year!
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Greetings, my Spuffy Pals, as well as my non-Spuffy Pals! I'm sure none of you good folks remember me, or ever knew who I was in the first place... BUT, BOY, DO I REMEMBER YOU! Now, those of you who do remember might remember me saying that I, in fact, died along with SPUF those long months ago! But, as Halloween draws near, those spooky ghosts and goblins, myself included, return from the grave, and spread good cheer in preparation for the SCARIEST HOLIDAY OF THEM ALL! That's right, for those of you that care, I have made a grand return to an all new romping ground! So, while Valve is busy using the Pyro Update as an excuse to not do anything, I'm here to deliver the quality Halloween content we've all been craving for the past few years! So sit back, relax, and enjoy my new, thrilling idea, which doubles as a gratuitous introduction to my return!
As always, for those of you folks who don't know, I like to begin my update ideas with a backstory as to what's all going on, to ease you into the content of the update. As I always say... "Before the conTENT, comes the conTEXT!"
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Our story begins with old Saxton Hale, nearing bankruptcy after many, many stupid decisions with how to run his company. He decided he was gonna have to shut down a number of his stores in order to stay in business. "Now that I've shut down all my stores, I can pursue one of my real dreams. THE MANN CO.TEL!" You see, Hale didn't let hitting rock-bottom get him down, instead, he saw it as an opportunity to move on to his vision... an all new hotel! "Of course, with Mann Co. shutting down, I gotta fire all them no-good mercenaries, and find some cheap building I can convert into a five-star hotel!"
That night, Saxton Hale called up the Engineer (who is, of course, the leader of the team!) to let them in on the bad news. "Listen up, mercenaries! It's been an honor working with you guys, but it hurts my heart to say this... I hate every single one of you, and I want nothin' more to do with you. I want you all out of my building in an hour, or I'll kill every last one of you with my bare hands!" Engineer was taken aback by Hale's bad news, and made sure to tell all his friends that they were out of a job! Those poor suckers, what'll ever happen to them now? Well, I'll tell you!
The mercenaries, now jobless, began to brainstorm what they could do now. All their ideas seemed totally far-fetched, that is, until little Scout spoke up. "Huhuhu! Like, what if we became Ghostbusters or somethin' like that?" Engineer perked up a little bit after hearing Scout's words, and replied, "Scout, of all the ideas I've heard here today, that's gotta be the absolute worst of all. Everyone knows ghosts aren't real, so how in Hell do you think something that nonsensical could work, you freakin' idiot?" Demoman spoke up, in defense of poor Scout, "But, man, we fought me haunted eye one time and there was that pumpkin man an'... *burp* we've already proven we're more 'n capable of takin' on ghosts n' other creepy creatures, man...!" The fellow mercenaries all nodded approvingly to Demoman's wise words, but Engineer was not having any of that nonsense!
"Shut up, Demoman! You're a drunken idiot! None of those things ever happened and you know it! I mean really, Ghostbustin'? You'd have to be some sort of second-grader to think an idea as stupid as that could ever work!"
...
Meanwhile, Saxton Hale, ambitious as ever, began looking for land to build his Mann Co.tel. After searching far and wide, Hale eventually found the perfect plot of land! Large, cheap, and right in the middle of a desert! "Ah, this'll make the perfect place for my hotel! Now time to get work on my construction!" And so, after many years of construction, the Mann Co.tel was built, and boy was it a sight to behold! After construction was complete, Hale went inside and admired his handiwork. "Wow, after all these long years my dream's finally come true." A tear came to Hale's eye, but this heartwarming moment was soon interrupted..! All of a sudden, the lights went out, one by one, and a cold gust of wind blew through the dark hotel lobby. "Huh, what's goin' on!?' exclaimed Hale. An eerie muffled voice was heard down a dark hallway as he saw a dark figure approaching, and at that moment, Saxton Hale knew he had to Saxton BAIL! "I gotta get outta here!" Hale ran to the exit, but found that the door was locked! Panicked, Hale began yanking the doorknob, then turned to look over his shoulder to see if the figure had gotten close, and sure enough, the figure was right behind him! Hale blacked out from fear immediately!
...
"I can't believe how stupid ya' are, Scout!" Engineer continued to exclaim, kicking the sobbing Scout, who was curled up in the fetal position on the floor. All the other mercenaries had left long ago to continue their lives, leaving only these two in a dim room, with an even dimmer conversation. "Did your mama really raise you up to be this stupid? I guess that's what happens when daddy ain't around! Heheheheh!" The scene continued for another few hours, until it was interrupted by a phone ringing! Engineer decided to take a well-earned break, and went to pick up the phone. "Oh, howdy Miss Pauling! What's that, Hale's gone missin'? Ghosts, ya' say? Man, looks like I owe someone an apology..." Engineer hung up the phone, and immediately dialed up the Demoman. "Demo, I'm sorry for callin' you a drunk idiot. Yeah, looks like some ghosts got ol' Mr. Hale! Demo, we gotta go round up the rest of the gang and become... Ghostbusters or somethin'! Let's go!" That being said, Engineer, as excited as a kitten in heat, ran out the door, accidentally stepping on the Scout on the way out.
Soon after, the mercenaries all gathered together at Mann Co.tel. "Alright, boys. We've finally got ourselves a job. There's been reports of a haunting here at Mann Co.tel, and that's why we're here! Men, startin' today, we are now officially Ghostbusters! We're back in business, boys!" The mercs all cheered, especially the Scout.
"Huhuhu! I knew you'd finally come through, hard hat! I say lets go in there, and see what those no-good ghosts did with Hale!" cheered Scout. Scout, being the bravest of the bunch, approached the door to the hotel and opened it. The door creaked open, and the mercs all stood in anticipation, waiting for something scary to jump out. And at that moment, absolutely nothing happened, and the mercenaries all went inside. Of course, it was awfully dark and spooky in there, but the mercs were brave and continued on. As they entered the lobby, the door slammed shut behind them, locked, and all Hell broke loose! Uh oh! At that moment, a horde of scary ghosts appeared! But these ghosts were awfully familiar to them... and that's because these ghosts WERE them! Wow, this is a mind-❤❤❤❤ if I've ever seen one!
A certain ghost in particular flew up to the mercs, and began to speak. "Huhuhu! What are you doin' trespassing on our burial site? Huhuhu!" said ghost Scout
"Huhuhu. Burial site? Whaddya mean, ghost pally?" said regular Scout.
"Huhuhu! Glad you asked! That Saxton Hale built his stupid hotel right on our sacred resting place, and made us spirits quite cranky! We died fighting for his company, and this is how he repays us! Huhuhu! Talk about a bad boss! Well, we fixed him up real nice, so you guys oughta be leavin' unless you wanna end up like him!" said ghost Scout.
"Huhuhu! We ain't goin' anywhere! Not without Saxton Hale! Huhuhu, right guys?" said regular Scout. He turned around, looking for support from his team, but alas, they were all scramming for the exit door! "Wait, pallies, where are ya' goin? We gotta save Saxton!" But what Scout didn't realize, was that Hale was a jackass to everyone, and they weren't gonna risk their lives for him, and why would they? He said that he wanted nothing to do with them!
That being said, there will be no update this year, because who wants an update with just Scout? Nobody really likes him that much, and let's face it, Valve wasn't ever gonna make an update anyway! But... I'm not Valve! SO! I'll find a way to make this work, even if it requires an ass-pull, so don't worry!
All of a sudden, the mercs all had a change of heart. "Scout, I was wrong about you. We all were. You're stronger, smarter, and better than me Scout. And I'll be damned if I don't die fighting by your side. You taught me somethin' today, Scout. You taught me that ghosts are real, and that I'm a real jerk... I'm sorry Scout, and I hope you'll forgive me... I hope you'll forgive all of us..." (*This is called "Character Redemption")
"Huhuhu! Don't sweat it, pal! I know that if we work together, then we can save Saxton Hale! And by the way, I forgive ya' Engie!" said the Scout.
All of a sudden, ghost Scout's eyes glowed red with EVIL, and he began to yell in a scary, ghoulish voice, "Huhuh! You fools! Now prepare to become permanent guests at the Mann Co.tel! HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH!"
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Talk about a spooky backstory! After a terror-inducing tale like that one, the only way to simmer down is with a thrilling update, based on my glorified fan-fictions! So without further ado, I present my update to YOU!
This map would, of course, take place at the Mann Co.tel, and be an all new Special Delivery map. Who doesn't love Special Delivery? The goal here is to deliver some scalding hot coffee from the lobby to the top floor of the hotel in order to appease the Ghost God! Sounds easy, right? WRONG! For you see, the ghosts will try to stop you, and deliver the coffee themselves, in order to get the Ghost God to unleash Hell upon the mercenaries. Of course, RED will take the role of the mortal mercs, while BLU will be the ghastly ghoulish mercs! Whoever delivers the coffee first, wins!
The layout of the map would be indoors, of course, but the ceiling would be high up so Soldiers can still rocket jump! The coffee would be located toward the back of the map in the lobby of the hotel, which is awfully spacious and decorated with only the finest Mann Co. decor, such as sofas, chairs, and tables! There would be a number of windy, wide hallways, and access into some Hale's sweet suites, which would offer up a number of nifty alternative routes to reach the elevator on the other side of the map. The spawn rooms would in between somewhere, inside of hotel's cheaper rooms. The spawns, of course, would be off to the sides, opposite from each other, which is standard for a SD map. The elevator, of course, would be a large, open, lift in an open room, so that Snipers can pick off folks riding up! Once the elevator reaches the top, the Ghost God will either be bribed by the ghosts to unleash Hell upon RED, or be bribed the mercs to let everyone escape the haunted Mann Co.tel, causing BLU to lose!
On the topic of Hale, he'll be appearing as the BOSS CHARACTER for this update! As referenced earlier, the ghosts have, in fact, possessed everyone's favorite Australian arms-dealer, and now he's dealing out arms of pain to both RED and BLU! Hale is too strong to be fully possessed, so he'll take his wrath out on both teams, pursuing them with a number of dangerous attacks. These attacks include punching people with his Mann Hands, and lobbing bars of highly dangerous and precious Australium, which will EXPLODE, not unlike a bomb. He can also throw REGULAR bombs, which will also explode! When Hale is active, the elevator is incapable of moving. And don't celebrate too soon once Hale is defeated, for he will respawn in a number of minutes, making the objective all but impossible complete!
Of course, no Halloween map would be complete without all the necessary goodies! This map would feature pumpkins, pumpkin bombs, spiders, ghoulish gibus ghosts, and Merasmus's disembodied voice rambling about ducks! And of course, the update would be shipped with all sorts of fancy collectible items like weapons, hats, taunts, and other tricks and treats to stuff your backpack with!
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Well friends, the time has come for me to end this update. Let's hope Valve does have something nice in store for this year, lest we receive the scariest thing of all... NOTHING! I must say that I am happy to be back, and look forward to sharing my other thrilling ideas with you in the future! But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing out!
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TIAM IV: Guydiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Cockmongler
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Oh. Shit.