Just a Gigolo

Who is Pewdiepie and why should I hate him? :pinkiegasm:

He admits it! Razputin, more like Hamputin if you catch my drift. Now who wants to have a BBQ? Huff, you can make the side dishes. :pinkiegasm:

That sounds like pig propaganda to me. No wonder Raz is such a terrible person, he's a pig who learned to use a keyboard to spread lies and propaganda on the internet. :pinkiegasm:

People like Peta are extremists who fund terrorism, want eating meat to be illegal, and want all pets removed from people. They give animals rights a terrible name. Animals deserve to not suffer, but that's pretty much it. They should have good living conditions, they should only suffer for the benefit of humans, and they should have a quick and painless death. Thankfully, the animals our society has deemed "meat animals" aren't really the smartest animals out there. It would be different if we were eating dolphins or dogs. :pinkiegasm:

I'd pick the Walking Dead game, but Mass Effect 3 will obviously win. It'd be funny if they picked Guild Wars 2. :pinkiegasm:

Moo :pinkiegasm:

Can't wait to film myself masturbating on to them. :pinkiegasm:

Dec 4th, 2012 We all met at the base of the Rocky Mountains right before dawn, as we had agreed upon the night before. Magickus and Corvette arrived together, Guy arrived shortly after them, and Rammite was the last to show up, barely making it on time. We were all there with a common goal in mind. We were going to climb to the peak of the Rocky Mountains to retrieve the legendary hooker tree of legend. A tree that, if the stories were true, could grow hookers of every type for who ever was man enough to climb to the mountain's peak. "Took me forever to get away from the ol' ball and chain, sorry about that. Had to leave him tied up to a bondage device just to give him the slip." Rammite told us arriving in a hurry. Since Rammite and Dualjay started having dragon dildo sex, Rammite has always been too busy for his friends. It seemed like all he wanted to do every day is put semen lube on a dragon dildo and ♥♥♥♥ Dualjay in a dragon costume. It was nice to see him again. After going over a check list of all the supplies we were sure to need, we began are quest for the legendary hooker tree. The most important part of our quest was a MP3 player playing "Rocky Mountain Way" by Joe Walsh, since the legend says that the song was required for us to find... the way to the legendary hooker tree. For reasons we didn't know at the time, Magickus made sure that he brought grape drink margaritas with him. Rammite being Rammite, he made sure to bring several dragon dildos with him as well. The legend forbid us from using any mountain climbing gear, since only the manliest of the manly are worthy for the hooker tree, but thankfully all SPUFers are secretly super buff in real life, so climbing the mountain by hand was incredibly easy for us. We spent several hours easily climbing up the mountain while listening to "Rocky Mountain Way," and you know what they say, time sure does fly when you're climbing up a mountain with your bare hands. After several intense and manly hours of mountain climbing, it was time for our afternoon steak, so we stopped for a rest on a nearby ledge. Luckily, there were some mountain goats we were able to punch to death to get the meat for our afternoon steaks. Guy prepared a fire to cook the steaks with by punching a pile of twigs so fast they caught on fire. Of course, the manliest way to eat a steak is raw, so the fire was really just for the manly atmosphere. All those hours of climbing the mountain by hand had bonded us in a way that you could only get from climbing a mountain with just your hands with other buff dudes from the internet could. We sat by the fire and swapping stories, arm wrestled, and breaking rocks with our fists. I could really tell that Rammite needed this man time, he was being himself again. I almost forgot how much he loved headbutting mountain goats. We were having a good time, until we all started getting tired all of a sudden. After a while, we could barely even arm wrestle we were so tired, and it was then that Guy revealed his true colors. "Enjoy those steaks?" Guy gloated between laughs. "What have you done to us?" I asked barely able to stand. Guy smirked and said "When you weren't looking, I swapped your steaks with... TOFU!!!" Of course tofu is like kryptonite to manly men, which explains why it was making us pass-out. "I knew we couldn't trust you guy, the Mexican half of you was destined to betray us at the most dramatic point possible from the start." Magickus yelled before falling to the ground. Guy then went and took all our MP3 players. "Now you'll never be able to find the way, the "Rocky Mountain WAY without Joe Walsh!" Guy said throwing them over the cliff. "Little did you know, I had been working with Binary the entire time. Binary has a plan to make an entire farm of hooker trees, and he's going to cut me in on the profits." Guy then opened up his backpack and revealed that Binary had been hiding in there the whole time. Binary, is of course an angry buff midget who is always trying to start hooker farms, but always failing due to the fact he's an angry buff midget. Before we could even try to fight back, Guy had started climbing back up the mountain with Binary on his back. We just watched as disappeared from our sight, and soon we had all collapsed on the ground. End Part 1 :pinkiegasm:

Fixed :pinkiegasm:

Twas no fanfic, but a retelling of historical events. What was this thread about again? :pinkiegasm:

No, silly. I came back for the body later. :pinkiegasm:

Part 2 No amount of struggling was going counter the effects of the tofu. The pussy virus was already flowing through our veins. Corvette even started to grow miniature vaginas all over his face, since he just had to have a second steak, and the extra tofu was turning him into a literal pussy. We were stuck just laying there with no hope in sight, then Corvette said something we should have thought of instantly "What would Bruce Campbell do?" That was it, the answer was before us the whole time. Then in unison, we yell out "A training montage with lots of close ups and jump cuts followed by an awesome catch-phrase at the end!!!" *Cue training montage music* We did thirty solid minutes of training montages, and we slowly but surely got our strength back each time the imaginary camera cut back to us. After we spouted off our manly catch-phrases, we were fully healed of the pussy virus. I went for the classic "Groovy," while Corvette, Rammite, and Magickus went for an "All for one and one for all" type deal, but with dragon dildos instead of swords. Thanks to the power of training montages, when we were done, we were even more buff and manly than we were before Guy had poisoned us. "How are we going to catch up to Guy, he has a good thirty minutes on us?" Corvette asked stroking his chin. "Better yet, how are we going to find the legendary hooker tree without Joe Walsh's 'Rocky Mountain Way' to lead the... way" I asked before being interrupted by Magickus. "Air band." That was all Magickus had to say, because in that second we knew exactly what we had to do, and we all started air rocking as hard as humanly possible. The power of the air band started making Joe Walsh's "Rocky Mountain Way" play all around us, and then we even started floating into the air. The harder we rocked, the faster we flew up into the sky. Soon we were flying faster than we could have ever climbed at even our fastest pace. "At this rate we'll catch up to Guy" Rammite said stopping his air rocking for a brief second. "Just keep your focus on playing those drums, Rammy baby." I said while doing my wicked awesome guitar solo. It didn't take long before we saw the peak of the mountain grow closer and closer. Though, when we got to the top, we saw that we were in fact too late. The hooker tree had been cut down, and Binary was standing there with axe in hand. Before any of us could comment, Magickus pulled out that grape drink margarita he had brought with him. "Is that what I think it is" Guy said not breaking eye contact with the grape drink margarita. "Indeed it is, Guy. I knew your Mexican half was going to betray us, so I planned ahead." Magickus said throwing the grape drink margarita off the side of the mountain. Guy then jumped after the grape drink margarita yelling "GRAAAAPPPEEEE DRRRIIINNNKKK!!!" Without Guy to protect him, Binary was defenseless. We all started to close in on Binary to get our revenge. "One step closer and I'll use this." Binary said revealing that he had a copy of Twilight. "No, not that, anything but that." I cried out in pure fear. Rammite did some quick thinking and pulled out a dragon dildo and threw it like a javelin into Binary's mouth. The dragon dildo blocked his airways, and Binary was soon choking to death. After a couple of minutes of spasming on the ground, Binary was dead. Corvette then kicked his body off of the mountain, and watched it vanish from sight. After a while, the realization that the hooker tree had been cut down set in, and our feeling of victory turned into defeat. "Was this quest just a waste of time" Rammite said wiping a single manly tear from his eye. We just stood there in silence for at least a good minute until we heard a loud voice coming from down the mountain. "Who dares cut down my hooker tree." The voice said getting closer and louder. It wasn't long before the mystery voice revealed its self, because before us stood Joe Walsh. "It wasn't us, it was an angry midget named Binary who cut down your tree." I said trying to reason with Joe Walsh. "Where is this angry midget then, all I see four buff dudes?" Joe Walsh questioned. "Dammit Corvette, why did you have to push his body off the mountain?" Magickus said punching Corvette in the shoulder. "You dare try and fool Joe Walsh? For that you'll die!" Joe Walsh said shooting lightning from his finger tips. We all fell to the ground in pain, and we were sure that we were going to die. That was until Guy came out of nowhere, and jumped on Joe Walsh's back. "Guy, I thought you had betrayed us." Magickus said still paralyzed from the lightning. "You forget that I'm also half black, which means I have to sacrifice myself in the last moment to save a bunch of white people." Guy said forcing Joe Walsh closer to the edge of the mountain. Rammite using his last bit of strength threw his last remaining dragon dildo to Guy. "Dragon dildos, my only weakness" Joe Walsh cried out in fear. Guy then stabbed the dragon dildo into Joe Walsh's heart, and they both fell off the mountain. We crawled our way over to the edge of the mountain, and there we saw the dead bodies of Guy and Joe Walsh smashed upon the rocks. "No hooker tree and three people died all because of this stupid man quest." Corvette said dropping to his knees. "No wait, we never needed the hooker tree in the first place. There are plenty of hookers for us to pay for sex that don't grow on trees." I said in a moment of clarity. "He's right, maybe it's more about the journey than the destination anyways." Rammite said slowly standing to his feet. We then held hands and skipped down the mountain together, and Binary, Guy, and Joe Walsh were never heard from again. Then we all got laid, expect for Dualjay, who died in a semen lube based fire, since Rammite had tied him up in that bondage device, and he couldn't escape. THE END!!! :pinkiegasm:

You fool, the trees can only grow on the mountain peak, if you try to grow them anywhere else you're bring forth the fury of Joe Walsh and the other remaining members of the Eagles. YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL!!!11!!!1! http-~~-//www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6OtFKNDPUc :pinkiegasm:

Sounds like he plans to climb the mountain himself and hog all the hookers!!! :pinkiegasm:

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According the the pie chart Corvette made, 36% of your day is spent having dragon dildo sex with Rammite. :pinkiegasm:

Ramjay confirmed!!1!1!! :pinkiegasm:

Ok, final call for "Rocky Mountain Man Quest 2012." Make sure you bring your ipod with Joe Walsh's "Rocky Mountain Way," or we won't find our way to the magical hooker tree. Magickus, it's up to you to bring the grape drink margaritas to throw off the mountain when Guy betrays us. I'll bring all the items that'll conveniently come in handy for us to solve the mystical challenges that await us. Make sure you're at the base of the mountain exactly at dawn, or it won't work. See you guys there! :pinkiegasm:

Says Dueljay the Dragon over here. :pinkiegasm:

What makes a man? Is it the power in his hands? Is it his quest for glory? You have to give it all you've got, to fight to the top. So we can know your story. What makes a man, is it the woman in his arms? Just cause she has big titties? Or is it the way, he fights every day? No, it's probably the titties. Come back when you're man enough for the Great Rocky Mountain Man Quest 2012. :pinkiegasm:

Grape drink margaritas. :pinkiegasm:

He's also half mexican, so that might mean he'll betray us at some point or try to steal the tree for himself. :pinkiegasm:

But it only grows on the highest peaks of the rocky mountains. To reach the plant, you'll need to climb the mountain with just the clothes on your back while listening to "Rocky Mountain Way" by Joe Walsh. Along the way, you'll come across several challenges that will test if you're truly worthy of the great hooker tree. If you think you're man enough, meet me at the mountain base at dawn. :pinkiegasm:

What am I? A hooker charity. Do you all think hookers grow on trees? :pinkiegasm: