Idiot Cube

Oh...I can feel it.

Gage Medieval Fantasy pack. The Payday gang have broken into a wizard's home and stolen all his magical equipment. Includes flaming greatswords, lightning-shooting wands, invisibility scrolls, and a visual mod that replaces enemies with orcs and goblins!

Already did that. Darklurker crumpled like paper once I got some lightning on him. Getting to him is far more annoying. Is there any benefit to having two dragon chimes?

I beat the game! Sorta. Now it's time to wrap things up before NG+. First thing: Put Vendrick out of his misery. If I had done this before Nashandra I could've gotten the super secret Scholar boss and ending, but whatever. Well, he doesn't look so tough. I'll just spam lightning until he aggros, and then... Oh shit, those did nothing. And hexes do less than nothing. And he can one-hit me. I guess dragging a giant-ass sword around for however many years is a pretty good workout. Ok. I'll come back with an enchanted weapon.

I am suddenly kinda glad I blew up my old save, because I would have missed out on meeting the Scholar of the First Sin himself. It seems he doesn't appear at all if you don't trigger his first meeting, which happens at the fourth primal bonfire you light...which I skipped over last time. He's kind of an annoying prick. I can't wait to kick his ass after Nashandra.

WE ARE OUT OF UPDATE HORSES I REPEAT: WE ARE OUT OF UPDATE HORSES

Big dumb two-headed laser spider is squished. Apparently I'm doing these in the wrong order of soul memory, because I got a bunch of summonings at Iron King, and then none at Dear Freja. Or maybe nobody wants to fight Freja more than once because she's fucking annoying. Either keep your left hand occupied with a torch, or get gangbanged by spiders.

FUCKING RATS GET OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN GET TO THE ONE WITH THE MOWHAWK! No, I will NOT join your stupid rat covenant! I'm a Sunbro for life! At least until I get bored and want to fight someone. Or rank up enough to get Sunlight Spear. Also, I'm investing heavily in both Int and Faith. Maybe I'm spreading myself too thin, but I wanna cast ALL the spells!

[F]

I've started invading people. It's pretty fun. >:D

Maybe, depending on when you're doing it.

I'm having dinner pretty soon, but I'll join later if you haven't stopped.

Wait a second, guys...this is an underdog who will have to work hard and believe in himself in order to overcome impossible odds! Western media tropes are on our side!

Maybe this makes me a filthy traitor, but I predict that Team Japan is gonna wipe the floor with us. Like, humiliatingly so. Our guy will slowly plod out onto the battlefield and put up its robot fists, then the other guy will use its rocket boosters to dash forward at Mach 2 and impale him with a gigantic laser drill.

Apparently not. But that didn't prevent me from fighting Nashandra!

Uh so apparently I skipped over a whole part of the game? It seems there's more to the spooky foggy part of Shaded Woods than a talking head and some annoying ghosts. There is in fact, another area connected to it. With curse urns, and a scorpion dude, and MORE FUCKING GHOSTS AAAAAGH WHY CAN'T YOU LOCK ON TO THEM? It makes them ten times more difficult to fight than they need to be! The combat doesn't fucking work without being able to lock on, Zelda figured that shit out 20 years ago! OH AND YOU BROKE THAT CHEST, THANKS ASSHOLE, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ANYWAY WHY DO YOU CARE IF I GET WHATEVER'S IN IT? Aaaah whatever, wood chests never have anything good. Where the FUCK is this scorpion lady boss, anyway? Is she behind one of these Alien statues? Because I'm fresh out of Fragrant Branches right now. Which means I'll have to go somewhere else, only to forget about this area again.

It's fine. It's fine! That last guy, the guy that made it all the way up to the final boss but didn't beat it, the guy I spent about SIXTY HOURS OF MY LIFE ON, he was just a practice run! Actually I'm not all that devastated, surprisingly. I was always a little dissatisfied with the way he was shaping up, and was planning to start a new, more magic-focused character. This only forced the issue.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Dragon Place, I forget what it's called, GO! Man, these mountains are a fucking maze. And how am I supposed to get the shiny beetle guys if they're hiding underneath a bunch of dragons? Guess I'll come back for them. Maybe. Ok, now I'm at yet another fucking castle. There's all these guys standing around...not attacking me...the messages say "friend but very tough" and that sort of thing...goddammit, it's the Heide Knights all over again, isn't it? At least they're bowing to me right now. 'Bout time these enemies started showing some respect. These guys are alright. And there he is, the biggest dragon of them all. This shall be my most legendary battle yet! HAVE AT- oh, wait, you're just sitting there? Just wanna talk in a weird voice and give me a little thingy? Ok...that works too...I guess. See ya. Probably gonna grab some bros and kill you later, though. Surprisingly, the dudes DIDN'T start attacking me the moment I walked out of Boss Dragon's arena. Maybe they're waiting for me to actually kill it. Oh well. Let's see what this thingy unlocks!

You guys do realize we can mouse over the links, right?

what the fuck I heard about this months ago and thought it was a joke

Undead Crypt, here we go. Ok, so if the bells gets rung (either by the skellytons and zambos running around, or me by accident), those blue robed fire-shooting ghost guys show up. But they're pretty squishy so it's not a big deal...right? I drop into this big pit, and there are three (I think?) doorways leading out. Let's see what's aaaaaaaaand there goes a bell. Suddenly FOUR ghosts show up and burn me to a crisp. Fuck. Round two, I immediately run for one of the exits. Maybe they'll just give up if I get far enough away, it's worked before. But NOPE, it's a dead end with a ghost's coffin! He has me flanked with his four buddies and they burn me to a crisp. Round three, I try another exit. It's ANOTHER dead end, with a zombie sitting in front of a bell! So I guess I need to grab a bow or throwing knife and shoot him before he can ring it? Lame. Alright, well I might as well go down fighting as long as I'm down here...oh, hey! I killed all four of them! Lemme just Estus up and maybe I can move forward a li-OH GOD THEY'RE RESPAWNING?! *gets burned to a crisp* And then I failed to retrieve my 16k souls because some dude invaded me. Also, the Ring of Not Losing All Your Shit When You Die now costs 14k to repair. Really doesn't feel like a worthwhile investment.