Splosion

I GOT THIS TOO > ONE ATTEMPT!?

Think MOBAS on consoles are bad? http://kotaku.com/5967051/valve-wants-to-get-dota-2-running-on-tablets?tag=valve

Google understands SPUF perfectly...

Just wait. That one is far from the best I have.

Consoles already had a MOBA and a great one at that. Awesomenauts says hi.

That one time Rob went to jail. Now my friend Rob and I don't cross paths much at Dragoncon. Mainly due to the fact that Rob usually spends his cons outside the actual convention or in the company of Brandon however this year I witnessed how his group likes to party. After Chris having destroyed the hotel room Zakk and I had the year before I told him it would best if he found another this particular year, he happened to be sharing that room with Brandon, Bess, and Rob. All paid in cash with a fake I.D. so they could trash the place as much as they liked with zero consequence. These kids look like responsible young adults, of course they can pay cash for the room. Saturday night of the con that year the four of them were walking about party hopping when a wild bouncer appeared! When they tried entering the party the bouncer told them "You guy can't come in but we've got plenty of room for your girl. Rob didn't enjoy that little comment and was ready to make this guys face have a lot fewer unshattered bones in it. Luckily Chris, Bess, and Brandon restrained him and pulled him away where he could cool off and they moved on. The night went on without a hitch and they all found plenty of other parties that allowed all 4 of them in. A few hours and a few dozen drinks later everything was fine. Rob was still pissed but the bouncer wasn't in beating distance. Rob decided to just call it a night and left the others to head back to the hotel room the next morning I got a call from Bess way too early in the morning for a con call. By this time I knew if Bess was calling me before 11 am, something was wrong. I picked up the phone and heard nothing but unintelligible crying. I asked Bess what was wrong and she finally caught her breath enough to make out. "ROBS IN JAIL!" It turns out on the way back to the hotel room Rob ran into the bouncer alone in an elevator and this time the others weren't there to bring any logic to the argument. Rob beat the living hell out of this guy and hotel security was waiting at the bottom floor after the horror show they witnessed on the elevator security camera. You're not in good hands. Run for your damn life. I met up with Bess and she said we had to go get her car keys from the room so we could drive down to the police station and post bail for Rob. We got the Hilton where everyone was staying but Bess didn't have her hotel key, now there was an impossible task to overcome. We had to wake up chris before five in the afternoon during a convention so we could be let in. Bess and I nearly had to kick the door in and suprisingly didn't alert any hotel staff members with what probably sounded like someone being murdered. We beat on the door and screamed in an attempt to wake Chris for what seemed like hours and the he finally opened the door... ...naked... Chris blinked a few times to try and understand what was happening then he looked down and noticed he wasn't wearing any clothes to which his response was "I'm naked... WHY AM I NAKED!?" We told him to go back into the room and get dressed then let us in. Once inside I learned that you should never EVER stick Chris and Brandon in the same room. It was absolutely DESTROYED. All the lamps were broken, the door of the locked minibar had been broken off to get to the 3 or 4 beers inside. The beds had been basically disassembled and scattered everywhere, there was pizza stuck to the walls and ceilings, the toilet was completely clogged and the bathroom floor was flooded, the sliding glass door to the patio was off it's hinges and on the floor, and for god only knows what reason in the corner of the room there was a cardboard cutout of David Hasslehoff with the crotch cut out. After the shock of the room set in I filled Chris in on what had happened and the three of us posted Robs bail and returned to the con and by some miracle, Rob was the only one in trouble with the law that weekend. The Hilton staff didn't see the destruction they had caused until long after they were gone.

Oh god I would kill myself if my life was turned into a sitcom... Going to post one more story until then enjoy this video of Brandon giving someone a shot to the jaw for his birthday... http-~~-//www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bkBEUnbQPE

You're not the first person to suggest this. Zakk, Chris and I have been approached many many times by friends in film school who have asked to follow us around recording us at conventions / make a movie based on our con lives. I've always thought about turning these stories into some sort of blog or something but never really felt like it would catch on and while I have had a lot of stories similar to the ones I've already posted eventually there would come a point where there would be nothing new to add except for maybe once or twice a year at the most.

MUST DERAIL PUNS WITH MORE STORIES! Now many of you will probably be shocked to hear that Zakk happens to be the brains of his family. Crazy things may constantly be happening around him but not compared to the rest of his gene pool. For example his dad just spent the last year in an insane asylum and the fact that his brother is still alive can only be explained by quantum immortality. I may have had some odd experiences with Zakk as a friend, but had I hung around his brother Brandon more I would probably have died in some spectacular accident years ago. That one time Brandon ate a lot of Ambien. About 6 years ago the bank had just forclosed on Zakk's family's home and they had to move. Around this time Brandon was getting into tons of trouble with the law as usual and his parents had kicked him out the house. Once he heard the house had been foreclosed and his family moved however he decided it was time to move back in. Zakk and I swung by his old house one day to pick up a few things they had left to find brandon squatting in what was once a nearly empty house. Somehow Brandon had furnished a large portion of the house once more. Being brandon of course he would never buy actual furniture. No every single piece was made entirely of old beer boxes, bottles, and cans. All of it. Brandon had gone through enough beer to make himself a couch large enough for 3 people that doubled as a bed, a coffee table, two armchairs, and two side tables on either end of the couch. Keep in mind Brandon was basically homeless at this time so how did he afford all that beer? Stealing it of course. Which while being extremely stupid is a miracle to see him pull off. I once saw him walk out of a grocery store with 8 12 oz. bottles down his pants legs and a 6 pack in his hoodie without anyone noticing. Once he realized we weren't new homeowners coming to kick him out he invited us in to help him "create more building material. After a few drinks and a surprisingly uneventful night with Brandon being around we told him that while we weren't the new homeowners someone had bought the house so he needed to find somewhere else to stay. The only man who can make Zakk look like Einstein Later I found out Brandon managed to find some sort of work that had gotten him enough money to afford living in a motel. How did I find this out? Early one morning I received a call from my friend Bess. I picked up and asked why she was calling so early only to be told "Turn on the news RIGHT NOW!". So I flipped through the channels until the news popped up and what did I see? Brandon of course! There he was on the local news being dragged out of a Waffle House by his feet while desperately clinging to a cash register. "HOLY HELL WHAT AM I SEEING!?" Once Brandon had the whole mess sorted out we got the full story. Brandon was staying at the motel about 60 yards from that Waffle House. That morning he decided to take way too much Ambien, more than even his Keith Richards like physiology could handle apparently. After the drugs had kicked in he wanted breakfast and started heading to the Waffle Huse when he realized he only had a dollar on him, so instead he opted for a snack at the gas station between the motel and Waffle House. Once inside he had grabbed whatever his dollar could get him and waited at the counter for a cashier that was nowhere to be found. After his patience was exhausted waiting for that cashier brandon decided, "I'm robbing this bitch" and lept over the counter. After several failed attempts to get the register to open Brandon decided to just take the whole damn thing and open it later at his own leisure, but this register happened to be bolted to a short wall. However just like Zakk this is a family that doesn't let simple obstacles like logic get in the way. Brandon proceeded to rip the register and the portion of wall it was attached to free from the rest of it. With his new fortune in hand Brandon proceeded to the Waffle house as he originally intended with the thought that he could get the register open before his bill came for the meal. But the news team and cops came before that was a reality.

No not the puns... ANYTHING BUT THE PUNS! To this day we still call him Freezepoop...

Can someone explain to me the backstory behind that picture of the heavy and why everyone hates it so much?

No you don't. You don't want my nightmares... I DON'T KNOW! For that matter how do you break a pane of glass that's just resting against a workbench with a girl's face!? How do you conisder an outdoor staircase or hotel lobby a "secluded area"!? HOW DOES ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE MAKE SENSE!?

Alright time for another... The Tales of the Amazing Captain Cockblock. DISCLAIMER: This story has been rated disgusting and offensive. Reader discretion is advised. If your jimmies get rustled remember you were warned. Now as you can tell by now a lot of my stories involve my friend Zakk, this one is no exception. As you may have also noticed I've known Zakk for quite a long time so I have been there for certain "milestones" in his life. This story begins with on of those milestones... It was 10 years ago and I was having a small party while my parents were out of town. Zakk had shown up as he always does when free liquor happens to be around as well as my friends Bess, Chile and Ashley. Now being teenagers in an empty house we did what you would expect us to. Get completely hammered. Everything was going fine for hours. We drank, watched TV, played games, but then it got weird. Chile turned to Zakk on the couch and pointed out there was a rumour going around that he was "well endowed" for his age. I knew where this was going, Chile was about to make our little Zakk into a man. Zakk looked surprised at the question and Chile turned to me and asked if there was a ruler in my house. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOT IN MY ROOM!" I replied as I pointed them to the guest bedroom and off they went. Now there is nothing Zakk and I love more than annoying the living hell out of each other so I knew I couldn't pass up a magical opportunity like him losing his virginity. I had to think quick so I ran off into my living room to grab the perfect tool. BEHOLD THE INSTRUMENT OF YOUR DEMISE! Now standing outside the doorway while playing a tuba while Zakk was trying to get laid alone would have been great, but I don't settle for just great I had to get both of them annoyed with me. As if Chile's name didn't give it away you should know that she's tiny, she's mexican, and apparently I'm a huge racist. For thirty minutes straight I wailed away on my tuba playing Tequila as loud as I possibly could. Zakk and Chile somehow managed to keep going through all of this while also managing to scream at me from the bedroom and not spoil the mood. Fast forward to two years later at Dragoncon. Zakk and I are sharing a hotel room. I always let him stay with me under two conditions. 1: He wouldn't destroy the room to the point where I would have to pay for it, and 2: He didn't bring women back to the room to have sex. Well this particular year Zakk almost got lucky. He called me and started pleading to use the room. I let out a laugh and said no way in hell that was happening. However I didn't count on Zakk's determination. He was GOING to make this happen room or no room. So where did the two of them go to do the deed you may ask? Why right in front of a hotel on the staircase on one of its busiest days of the year! Just minutes after they started that legendary "Zakk luck" kicked in and an Atlanta police officer came down those stairs. Now what would you imagine a police officer's response to this would be? "Hey that's indecent exposure"? "You're under arrest"? No of course not. This was a cop who had seen more Dragoncons than he really should have. He tapped them on the shoulder and calmy said "You can't have sex here" and walked away... A few years later at Dragoncon Zakk found himself another girl and once again I heard the same plea to to use our hotel room. Again I declined. Zakk had learned his lesson from the last time, sex in open public spaces only results in cops giving you a polite "please stop" so he had to find somehwere secluded. Well lucky for Zakk the marriot was being rennovated this year so there were plenty of hiding spots. Zakk and the girl went up to one of the new lobbys that were still under construction and found some privacy behind a giant tarp. About an hour later Zakk came back up to the room. He burst through the door and immediately began yelling at me "HOLY SHIT I HATE YOU WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BASTARD!?" I asked him what happened and asked if the stair incident happened again to which he replied "NO GOD DAMMIT WORSE!" I asked what had happened and he just told me to follow him. I walked with him to the marriot and we went up a few floors to the new lobby construction area and he led me to a tarp strung from the ceiling that made a partition between the hotel and work area. He pulled the tarp aside and told me to take a look. "this is where you took that girl?" I asked. "JUST LOOK!" he screamed. There was broken glass and blood all over the floor underneath a workbench. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED DID YOU MURDER A HOOKER!?" I asked. No Zakk had ended up driving this poor girls head through a pane of glass that hadn't been installed that was leaning against the workbench. Needless to say she had left long before zakk was done. Now Zakk isn't the only person I've completely ruined a sexual experience for. A few years ago at Chattacon my friend Dory learned this the hard way. Now Dory is like a sister to me. I've known her since I was 13. Seeing her in any kind of sexual fashion makes me want to puke. Well that chattacon I was unlucky enough to get an eyeful of that. It was saturday night and I was wandering the hotel looking for parties. After finding nothing going on in building 2 I took the elevator down to the lobby. KEYWORD: LOBBY As I turned the hallway and started walking to the glass doors leading outside I noticed a man sitting at a table with a girl kneeling on the floor with her head in his lap. As I got a bit closer I realized that girl was Dory. When I got even closer I realized Dory was in the middle of giving this guy a blowjob. Now my first thought to that sight was "jesus christ I don't want to see this". My second thought was "this is going to be hilarious" Once I got up closer Dory stopped what she was doing a covered his lap with her head to hide what was going on. At this point she had no clue I knew exactly what was happening here so I played along and sat down at the table with them. I introduced myself to the guy who awkwardly tried to make small talk while giving me the greatest "fuck off" already look I've ever seen and continued a conversation with them for 15 minutes. All the while Dory was getting a wet dick in the ear while desperately trying to hide what was really going on. 2 years ago at Dragoncon Zakk finally won the battle and succeeded in getting a girl into our hotel room. It was 9 AM monday morning. The con was just about to end and I hadn't slept in two days, all I could think of was sleep and my guard was lowered. Myself, Zakk and our friend Carmen (Another "con sister" who I didn't expect to have any sexual interest in Zakk) went back to my room. I pulled out my laptop to call my girlfriend before taking the last few precious hours I had in the room to get some much needed sleep. While my back was turned I hadn't noticed Zakk pulling carmens pants off in my bed, the ONLY bed. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!" I screamed. I tried everything I could think of to pry them apart before things went to far. I pulled Zakk's hair, slapped him, punched him in the back a few times and many failed attempts to physically pull him away. I needed a weapon. A trashed hotel room at the end of a con doesn't offer much so I began trying to work with everything I had at my disposal. At first garbage I grabbed every empty bottle and can I could find and tossed them at his head. Nothing. Then my suitcase. Again nothing. I looked to my chinese takeout from the night before and grabbed a splintered wooden chopstick slathered in hot sauce and jabbed him in the back with it. GOD DAMN NOTHING! Then came an idea of extreme desperation and exhaustion the only things left on the desk. A half dozen unfrozen freezer pops and a jar of vaseline my friend nia had found. Extreme times call for extreme measures and I mcGuivered a solution that would hopefully cause an unpleasant enough experience to destroy any boner. I grabbed one of the unfrozen freezer pops, dipped it in vaseline and shoved it down the back of Zakk's pants in the hopes that a slimy phallic object rattling around down there would be enough to make this nightmare end. IT DIDN'T DO A GOD DAMN THING! I stormed out of the room and angrily spent the next hour at the convention smoking deck burning through a whole pack. When I returned Carmen was in the chair with a look of extreme disappointment and shame. Zakk was on the floor staring at the ground with a very similar look. Carmen gathered her things and quickly left. After she was gone I started to chew zakk out over breaking one of the only two circumstances I gave him for staying in the rooms I paid for. After a while he told me to drop it and quickly added "THE FREEZEPOP," "WENT UP," "MY ASS" It was all he would say (sorry: scream) for about an hour straight. For some reason Zakk had ignored the freezepop roaming around his pants after I had left and it had found it's way somewhere it didn't belong and ruined the whole experience. I may not have gotten a bed to sleep in, but I had my revenge and that was good enough.

What if SPUF isn't really down and we've all just been banned and this is how they handle it now!?

Really high schools just need a way of giving students birth control anonomously when they need it. It isn't an issue of them not caring it's an issue of them not wanting adults to know they're sexually active. Granted some couples just flat out don't want to use condoms but the alternatives are much harder to come by at that age. Give them those alternatives in a discreet manner and the problem will sort itself out.

Demoman has received 3 explosive unlocks since TF2 was introduced... All arguably decently balanced... Every other unlock was demoknight nonsense... AND NOW THEY NERF ONE OF MY SPLOSIONS!? :rage: :rage: :rage: :rage:

I have that exact same problem, it only takes a few drinks to get me to the point I can no longer walk. It's difficult to pace yourself at a place where people will literally make hammers that dispense liquor. No one has ever come to a party more prepared. It's not as if drinking is forced on you there. It's just a bit unusual for anyone who sticks around long enough for the night crowd to get going to not join in. Hell once 7 PM rolls around host hotels hire bartenders to push around these tiny little mobile bars that will literally sell you a bucket of rum. However I've been to plenty of parties at conventions that seem like they would be more your speed. Not all of them have hired DJs and 3 bars. I've been to several room parties in my time that were basically just open lounge areas with a dozen or so people hanging out and talking, I love these parties mainly because they have chairs and after 9+ hours of walking that sight alone can bring you to tears.

I think you took your middle school health teacher a bit too seriously. While excessive drinking all the time is terrible for you, so is practically anything if you do it enough. Drink too much water? Dead. Too much oxgyen. Dead. Cholesterol too high? Dead. Cholesterol too low? Dead. Etc, etc, etc... Hell you could overdose on spinach if you ate enough of it. Everything is fine in proper moderation. But anyways to answer your question, yes you don't have to drink to enjoy a convention, just keep in mind there are conventions who's main focus is room parties, hell with a Chattacon badge you get access to a convention sweet that offers unlimited free beer on tap 22 hours a day. I can't really suggest a convention off the top of my head for you, since parties don't seem to be your thing, without knowing your interests, what part of the country you're in / willing to travel to, and price range. It's also fairly difficult to just find conventions in your area. A lot of them grow over the years purely by word of mouth until they reach the size of the bigger Comicons. If you'd like to find one the best way is to ask around local comic and gaming shops as those places will usually buy space in dealers rooms for local conventions. However if you aren't afraid to throw down a big chunk of change make the trip out to Dragoncon, there's really something there for everyone.

Sadly few cons are worth going to, at least by the way my friends and I judge them (As in how many hours of the day we can stay tanked and the quality of "the community"). For instance every single anime convention I've been to has been absolutely terrible. At least at Dragoncon the majority of people don't stick to the stereotype of "socially inept nerd" and those that do are just "daywalkers" who only come for the events and leave around 6 PM. A good convention will take a hotel full of normally introverted quiet nerds and turn them into staggering frat boys for a weekend. A bad one will shove them into panels and declare a curfew for all the gathering spots. The best cons I suggest you check out are Dragoncon (Obviously), Chattacon, Connooga, and Gencon.

Amazingly, neither myself nor my friends have ever been arrested or even come close at conventions in the 12 years we've been going. Remember 12 years of going to this con to binge drink and party all weekend. I was 14 when we started doing this which means a lot of underage drinking so we could have gotten in ridiculous trouble. The closest we ever came to being arrested was our very first year. It was the only year our parents made us stay with an adult. That adult was my friend drew who happened to somehow be less responsible than us. At around midnight friday night of the convention he called us to let us know that he was so drunk that WE had to walk HIM back to the hotel room which was 3 blocks away. Just before this Chris and I had bought some new swords at the dealers room (real swords). So we met up with drew and me, chris, zakk, and my friend bess had to physically support him on the walk back. As we were walking down peachtree street a homeless man noticed the katana strapped to chris's back and asked to see it. For some reason chris agreed and let the guy take a look then from behind us we hear "HEY DROP THE FUCKING WEAPON!" I nearly pissed myself and instantly dropped the saber I was carrying as I turned to see a cop bolting towards me. I threw my hands up instinctively and he ran past me and pinned the homeless guy to a wall and put him in cuffs. He then picked up both swords and handed them back to me and Chris (Who were both very clearly intoxicated) apologized for the homeless guy and sent us on our way... There's never a dull moment with him around. I have dozens of stories like this thanks to him and sadly this is one of the less crazy ones. Just the tip of the iceberg. I've had far more terrifying / bizzare things happen in my life. Especially where Zakk and conventions are concerned.

Ok time for another story... That one time a friend of mine exposed himself to hundreds of people. So as you can see from the video in my last post, my friend Zakk isn't the brightest guy. I've never had a dull Dragoncon thanks to what he believes are good ideas. Take the time he tried to sneak into the Klingon party at the con for example, while he didn't get in they were nice enough to give him a glass of "Klingon fire wine". I couldn't thank them enough for the aftermath... Our second year of Dragoncon has some of my fondest memories attached to it. Meeting some of my best friends, staying up for an entire weekend straight, my discovery of as Zakk called it "the floor beating game" (Werewolf), but the best part of the year came when Zakk sold his pants for liquor money. Let me back up a bit. Saturday morning of the con, myself, zakk, and our friend chris had gone down to the dealers room and bought kendo sticks because we wanted something to hit each other with while allowing minimal injury (plan did not work by the way). After returning to the front patio of the Hyatt Chris found a better use for his kendo stick, torturing Zakk. I watched as chris pulled Zakks boxer's out of his pants and stuck them on the end of his kendo stick, which he then used as leverage to give Zakk the most horrendous wedgie I have ever seen. He actually managed to rip the boxer's out of his pants. After that was finished zakk rolled around on the sidewalk in pain for several minutes until he decided as much booze as he could stomach was the perfect cure for the pain, so we began party hopping. Around our third party Zakk and I ran into our friend Kat who invited us back up to her room to drink somewhere that didn't have a DJ blasting terrible rave music. Once we got to the room Kat turned to zakk and drunkenly declared "I LIKE YOUR PANTS!" Zakk was wearing a pair of those Hot Topic Tripp pants with the chains everywhere. Zakk asked her if she wanted to buy them to which she offered $20 and off zakks pants went and we were greeted with an unfortunate eyeful of genitals. We had all completely forgotten the wedgie incident after the heavy drinking from the parties. "Yeah. I'm going to need something to wear if you want to buy these..." Zakk added when he realized he wasn't wearing anything but a shirt. SoKat offered him the only article of clothing she was willing to part with. A plaid miniskirt. Now the skirt didn't exactly cover everything so zakk asked for a pair of underwear. Well Kat wasn't about to part with any so Zakk had to do what he's worst at. Improvise. Zakk looked around the room and found a "soultion" to his problem. That solution was duct tape. He grabbed the roll, went into the bathroom, and after a few minutes of screaming he came back out sporting a walk that looked like a duck that crapped it's pants. Now it was Kat's turn for a terrible idea. She decided that Zakk needed to go back out into the con in full blown drag. When she was done with him Zakk had his hair in pigtails, 18 layers of makeup, and a button down shirt tied across his chest like britney spears. I still have nightmares. When we went back to the convention we immediately headed for the smoking deck and ran into Chris again. Once Chris saw that zakk was in a miniskirt he came to the conclusion that zakk had found more underwear so it was time for him to pull out his kendo wedgie again. Amazingly it worked and off came Zakk's improvised underwear, so did a lot of hair and skin... Zakk rolled around yet again in even more pain and again the solution was to drink more. So zakk pulled the skirt down enough to where too much wasn't exposed and we found ourselves an elevator to take us up to the party floors. Now there's something you need to know about the Hyatt elevators... Some of you already see where this is going... As soon as zakk realized he was in a miniskirt on a glass elevator overlooking hundreds of people he immediately jumped up on the railings and spread eagle against the glass. Not many people noticed until chris and I realized we still had our kendo sticks with us which we then used to beat on the floor of the elevator which caused more than enough noise to get the entire lobby to turn their attention to the elevator as it rose...

Peter Molyneux's working on something without adding his crazy ideals to it!? Seriously that guy scares me these days, did you see him talking about Milo the virtual boy at E3? We don't want to fall in love with virtual people Peter. Especially when those virtual people are little boys...

I don't really like the color of the link. Maybe if it was green I'd enjoy it a bit more but otherwise nice.

Been in love with this band since I saw them open for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones in NYC last summer.