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  1. Hey howdy ho, SPUFFriends! It’s Valentine’s Day today, and you know what that means! Love is in the air! And do you know what I’d love? Some new content for TF2, that’s what! And as the old saying goes, “If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself!” Lucky for me and the rest of humanity, I am by myself on this lonesome Valentine’s Day! So today, I shall bring all you good folks a brand spankin’ new TF2 update idea! Today’s update is a sequel update to last year’s Valentine’s Update, “The Better Matchmaking Update.” The only way to follow up an update like that, of course, is with “The Best Matchmaking Update!”. So that’s the update that I propose for today! We live in a world where uninspired sequels reign supreme, so I hope you’ll all enjoy MY uninspired sequel! So sit back, relax, and enjoy this lengthy backstory! ----- ----- (tl:dr version: A drunk succubus shows up at the mercenaries' house after getting fired from her job.) Yikes, the Matchmaker’s back in town? That sure spells danger for the mercs. Luckily, it seems she’s out of a job and totally a non-threat this time around. Unluckily though, it seems there’s a much bigger threat this time! You see, Lladnar and Mr. Raingallows had been secretly plotting some contingency plans to fight the energy crisis that is facing Hell! Typically, Incubus Inc. takes great pride in the fact that they only take souls from consensual encounters, however, Mr. Raingallows and Lladnar have developed a plan that goes against their code of honor… namely a gigantic sexbot army that will forcefully drain the souls from unwilling victims, including children! The Matchmaker needs the mercs’ help to put a stop to it, and maybe get her job back along the way! To help the Matchmaker, players must enter the new map, mvm_incinc. This map takes place at the factory, and is just like any other MvM map: hordes of annoying (sex) robots that instagib by looking at you funny. Players must defend the door to the human world. (The bomb hatch.) However, this map also comes with loads of fun gimmicks! This map is HUGE. Bigger than Bigrock, even! As such, there needs to be a special method of travel: DOORS! The factory’s loaded with special doors that act as automatic teleporters, as seen in Scooby Doo chase scenes. These doors turn on and off depending on how many (sex) robots are destroyed within a set radius. (Sex) robots are capable of spawning from these doors if they make it far enough, preventing you from just locking down the main entrance. If too many (sex) robots make it past, the doors activate, pushing the spawn point further up and giving you less room to work with. These spawns fortunately don’t carry over across waves, always resetting. "I am about to revolutionize the sex industry. And when I do, even the great Miss Match is gonna be working for me!" -Lladnar And of course, on the final wave an extra special (sex) robot will spawn in, piloted by Raingallows himself! This will be the only (sex) robot of the wave, but it’ll be bigger and badder than any seen before. It’ll be immune to all debuffs and crowd control, so you better be quick with dishing out damage! He’ll slowly walk down the path, unleashing several devastating attacks along the way, including but not limited to his shaft cannon and a big heaping batch of bombs! However, the most annoying aspect of this fight just might be Raingallows’ croney, as Lladnar will lurk the map invisible, much like a Spy, dealing massive damage to isolated targets that don’t notice in time. Good luck taking down Raingallows without your DPS! If you manage to overcome this challenging opponent, you’ll be rewarded with a new stock melee reskin, The Dildon’t! (It’s exactly what it sounds like) Of course, along with this new map, there will be several new items for you to spruce up your characters, so allow us to go through those together! We’d also receive quite a few exciting weapons and cosmetics in this update. Mostly a bunch of hearts and lewd stuff, but I’ll go ahead and describe a few just so we’re clear on what I mean. An all new cosmetic item, The Succubuddy. This item will cause a miniature succubus to fly around, following your merc all around town. Another new cosmetic item, The Blunderpants! Which allows you to run around in your undies, with four different styles! Classic, Hearts, The Dark Knight, and The Smile Bringer! (Scout’s will be piss stained, regardless of style.) Another new cosmetic item, The Cardiovascular Bonnet, which allows the mercs to wear a dumb heart on their head. Yet another new cosmetic item, The Buckaroo’s Bulge. Everything’s bigger in Texas. And a new weapon reskin, The Heart Attack! Which is just a reskin of the Panic Attack, except it has hearts on it. Well, that’s it for the update my friends! But what’s this? It’s not quite over yet! As an AIDS Monkey first, this update shall feature an epilogue! So here goes! ----- Upon defeating Raingallows, the story continues, with the Matchmaker being rundown by her ex-boss, furious with her actions ruining his plans. Try as she might, she couldn’t quite escape him, eventually being cornered. “It doesn’t have to be this way!” Pleaded the Matchmaker. “I have no choice! Times have changed! Consensual sex isn’t enough anymore!” “But violating children!?” “I’ll rape A THOUSAND children before I let this company die, and I’ll silence anyone who gets in my way!”Raingallows delivered a savage bitchslap to the Matchmaker, knocking her off her feet. Just as all hope seemed lost, a siren wailed, the walls falling away to reveal the mercenaries, all watching with a smug look on their faces. “Huhuhu, I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes! Let’s watch my favorite part again...shall we?” Scout pressed a button, replaying his favorite part. “I’ll rape A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!” “I’ll rape A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!” And then help arrived! I hope you're happy mercenaries, you've destroyed this company. Incubus Incorporated is dead. Where will everyone get their sex now? The energy crisis will only get worse because of YOU! -Mr. Raingallows As the FBI dragged Raingallows away, the Matchmaker, in an uncharacteristic act of gratitude, gave all the mercenaries a great big hug! It was at this moment that the demon world discovered that hugs and affection were a far stronger power source than sex and souls, creating an industrial revolution for all of demonr-kind! Everybody cheered, happy at the development. With the newfound power, Scout decided to play his favorite part...one last time. “I’ll rape A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!” “Huhuhu, you know what? That didn’t seem like such a bad idea to me!” And now that is really the end of the Best Matchmaking Update! Of course, with a name like the Best Matchmaking Update, you can expect some quality changes to the matchmaking system (removing it entirely!) That’s it for now, but remember to tune in next year for a Valentine’s Update, where we’ll go way back and check out the Matchmaker’s college years in a prequel update that nobody really asked for!
  2. LordAIDS Monkey

    The 12 Posts of Smissmas!

    Hello SPUFFriends! I hate to be captain obvious, but it's the holiday season! But unfortunately for you, I don’t give a shit about what holiday your family is celebrating this year! All I care about is the holiday our friends in TF2 are celebrating… SMISSMAS! In honor of the Smissmas holiday, I, LordAIDS Monkey, will be posting Smissmas themed TF2 stuff all throughout the month of December, in a truly magical event that I like to call… THE 12 POSTS OF SMISSMAS! You see, for 12 days this month, I will be posting a Smissmas themed TF2 Update or some other bit of TF2 content to celebrate this wonderful holiday! All posts will be made in this exact same thread, so expect to see my ugly face bumping this thread all throughout the month! I can tell you’re excited, but don’t be! For you see, I am simply doing this as an excuse to shit out the old Smissmas TF2 Updates that I had posted back on OldSPUF. But know this, my friends! I’ve got just a few original Smissmas Thingies that I’d like to share with you, along with those rehashes… up until Day 12 where I plan to bring you good people of SPUF an exciting and brand spankin’ new Smissmas Update! (Hopefully the last day of this event lands before Valve does their actual Smissmas Update, which is sure to bring disappointment) So please wait patiently by the warmth of your fireplace as I prepare all sorts of Smissmas Goodies for ya’ll. (Disclaimer: I can’t guarantee that all these posts will be given out each day. I may skip a few ‘cause I get sidetracked with other stuff, but I’ll be sure that all 12 days are done before the 25th hits!) ----------------------------------------------- ~ On the twelfth day of Smissmas, Lord Monkey gave to me...! ~ Twelve Hellish Goodies! Merry Smissmas to all of you, my festive SPUFFriends! I’ve got some good news and some bad news for all of you today… Starting with the bad news, today is the final day of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! It is, of course, very sad to see this event come to an end. The good news, however, is that today is the final day of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! Hooray! No more do you have to see this unwanted thread get constantly bumped, which means this forum can return back to a state of peace! For Day 12, I bring to you THE FINAL TF2 UPDATE IDEA OF 2018! What could today’s update possibly be about, hmm? Well, if you read Day 11 (which you probably didn’t), you would already know the answer to that! As we all know, on Day 11 I posted a very ‘exciting’ poem, titled The Nightmare Before Smissmas. In it, the Smissmas Dinosaur didn’t arrive for his Smissmas Present delivery. Quite strange, indeed. But even more odd is that SOMEONE did appear, a skeletal menace flying high in the sky in the Smissmas Dinosaur’s sleigh! But just who was it? Well, I’m about to explain everything, in today’s update context. Before the update con-tent comes the con-text, afterall. And today’s context is quite lengthy, as it should be! ----- For those of you who didn’t pay attention during Day 7, the Smissmas Dinosaur had a wicked-nasty childhood bully from his childhood, over 65 million years ago. Up until now, we thought he had taken off into space on the great-big-dino-rocket-ship, but what if I told you… Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur never went anywhere? This is probably the most shocking plot twist of 2018, but it’ll make sense after a quick explanation… See, shortly after the dinosaur spaceship took off, it suffered a major malfunction! The brilliant dinosaur engineers who built it made sure to account for the weight of EVERY single dinosaur in the world. But as we all know, Clancy the Smissmas Dinosaur missed the flight, no thanks to Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur pushing him out. As a result of the missing weight, the spaceship’s calculations were thrown WAY OFF! So off, in fact, that the ship suffered a critical engine failure, causing it to plummet back into the Earth, killing every single dinosaur on board. (The very few nice dinosaurs went to Dinosaur Heaven, so don’t worry!) But… the NAUGHTY dinosaurs were all sent straight into the fires of Hell, where they belong. One of these dinosaurs was Jack Ass the Bully Dino. As a punishment for harassing the Smissmas Dinosaur, Jack Ass was forced to watch how successful and popular the Smissmas Dinosaur was going to become, through a magical future-seeing television! He hated every minute of it! (He also had to deal with the usual stuff, like getting beaten by cute succubus-girls, but he liked that part.) He always thought to himself, “Why’s that loser so much more successful than me? He thinks he’s so cool with his Smissmas nonsense! If I were still alive, I could do a way better job than he could! I’m just so much better than him, HEHUEHEE!”. Jack Ass’s envy of the Smissmas Dinosaur’s popularity grew and grew, and eventually he had finally had enough! He had decided he was going to break out of Hell, and return back to the world of the living to sabotage Smissmas, ruining the Smissmas Dinosaur’s life for good all for the sake of feeling better about his own shitty life. (Which, admittedly, was shit. Except for the part with the succubus-girls.) And so, he formed a pact with some of the other denizens of Hell and began to form an escape plan 65 million years in the making… I would explain what their plan is, but it is so brilliant that I wouldn’t be doing it any justice by typing it out. But I will tell you this: the plan worked without a hitch! So now it would seem that Jack and his demon friends have escaped Hell, and they immediately begin to look for the Smissmas Dinosaur! Meanwhile, the Smissmas Dinosaur was in his workshop, preparing for his Smissmas Eve flight. Things were looking really great for him! Everybody in the world, including you, made his Nice List this year! Which means that the entire world was counting on him to deliver them presents! But the Smissmas Dinosaur did not worry about such a big delivery, because after all, he’s the best! “At long last, things turned out as they should Everyone in the world’s gone and been good! This is definitely a surprise, I’d never expect it, But I’ve gifts to deliver, and I’m gonna commit! Now I’ll take off in my big Smissmas sleigh, So the world can have presents before Smissmas Day!” As the Smissmas Dinosaur finished talking to himself, he noticed a strange disturbance. All of a sudden, a very large and very scary SKELETON T-REX JUMPED OUT FROM THE SHADOWS and began to speak in a very ghoulish voice, that somehow seemed familiar to the Smissmas Dinosaur. “Hehuehee! You aren’t going anywhere Clancy! Not now, not ever! A shrimp like you doesn’t deserve to be successful! Success belongs to only the coolest people. And I’m at the top of that list! So step away from the sleigh, you dork! It’s mine now! I’m going to give the children of the world a Smissmas they won’t soon forget! HEHUEHEE!” The Smissmas Dinosaur was confused at first, but quickly came to the conclusion that THIS was his child-hood bully! 65 million years ago, he would have been scared and back down. But back then, he was still Clancy! But now he’s the SMISSMAS DINOSAUR! And he knew he was totally capable of whooping some skeleton dino-douche bag’s ass. “Now listen here, that’s a crock of shit! Smissmas is mine, and you can’t have it! Back in the past, you’d win in a fight. With your superior strength and much taller height, But now I can easily stand up to your menacing leer! For these days I’m imbued with the Smissmas cheer, So go on, bag of bones, just do your worst No how hard you try, I’ll still come in first!” Jack ignored the Smissmas Dinosaur’s threat, and attacked him right away. But as promised, the Smissmas Dinosaur gave him a thorough ass-kicking! Jack knew he had been beaten, and could not accept a loss to a big doofus such as the Smissmas Dinosaur. But Jack had a backup plan. “Get ‘im, boys!” he exclaimed! At that moment, several demon dinosaurs from Hell leaped out and attacked the Smissmas Dinosaur! The Smissmas Dinosaur was no match for a demon army, and was swiftly taken down. He was then tied up, and Jack began to boast like the annoying son-of-a-bitch he was. “HEHUEHEE! How the mighty have fallen, ya’ big nerd! Now I can show the world a REAL Smissmas celebration, thus cementing myself as the greatest dinosaur to ever live! EVER! But Clancy, don’t think ill of my plan… for I’ll do the best job that I can! Hehuehee! Ya’ heard that? I just rhymed! I’m already better than you! But I’m just getting started… This year, Smissmas will be MINE!” With that, Jack took off in the Smissmas Dinosaur’s Smissmas sleigh, leaving behind the Smissmas Dinosaur and the demon dinos from Hell. The Smissmas Dinosaur pleaded to be let go, but to no avail! And this, my friends, is where the real context ends! ----- Wait just a gosh-darn minute… The Smissmas Dinosaur’s childhood bully is back from Hell to sabotage the Smissmas Dinosaur’s good name as one final “fuck you”? That just isn’t cool! As the new Smissmas Dinosaur, Jack has many plans in store for Smissmas this year in order to make it the “BEST SMISSMAS EVER!” These include… -A change to the Naughty and Nice List. It is now the Cool Kids and Doofus List. -Gifts are not delivered in the traditional sense. Instead, all gifts are delivered in shipping crates that require a key to open. -Only the Cool Kids will receive goodies during his Smissmas flight! People on the Doofus List will only receive Smissmas beatings. -All traditional Smissmas decorations will be replaced with demonic decor from Hell, as part of the deal he with his demon dino friends. -Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur is to be referred to as Jack Skellingsaurus, as to make himself much more popular in pop-culture! -When all is said and done, Jack plans to steal the Smissmas Dinosaur’s flesh, thus allowing him to become a living dinosaur once again! That doesn’t sound to me like the best Smissmas ever! In fact, it sounds like the worst! Of course, the mercs catch on to all these evil Smissmas shenanigans real quick, and are more than ready to put an end to Jack Skellingsaurus’s misdeeds! This is where the actual update begins. Finally. The new game-mode would, of course, pit the mercenaries against Jack Skellingsaurus and his army of satan-dinos. RED team would be reskinned to take the role of the evil dinosaurs, while BLU team would still be the good ol’ mercenaries we all know and love. It shall be called “The Nightmare Before Smissmas”, or TNBS. The objective for this gamemode is for the BLU team to blow up Jack Skellingsaurus, who is flying high above the map, (tnbs_smissmastown), in the Smissmas sleigh! But as we all know, the Smissmas Dinosaur’s sleigh is completely invulnerable to standard weaponry! So how can the mercs blow it up? By launching the mother of all missiles at it, of course! Like all new Valve-gamemodes, this one is convoluted as fuck to the point of being unplayable. It is the task of BLU team to collect the missile launch codes. The launch codes cannot be found normally, and can only be found by capturing control points, (aka, the houses that have been visited by Jack Skellingsaurus). When a house is captured, the house is covered in all sorts of spooky Smissmas decorations from Hell, like spiderwebs, snakes, and menacing cactuses! But as soon as BLU captures the house, Jack Skellingsaurus’s evil Smissmas renovations are removed, and the home-owners will reward you with their missile launch codes as thanks. The missile launch codes can then be grabbed and carried, just like the Intelligence Briefcase! However, if you get killed while holding the launch codes, the code disappears and immediately returns back to the house from whence it came. This also returns the point back to RED’s posession, meaning BLU has to recap if they want the launch codes again! When the launch code is picked up, it is the duty of BLU team to bring it to the central missile, which is located in the back of the map behind a really bad choke-point that gives RED a very clear advantage. In order to launch the central missile, BLU team must bring a total of three launch codes to the missile! Once the missile receives all three launch codes, it must be adjusted in order to assure that it will be able to hit Jack. Afterall, it only has one shot and you gotta make it count! At this point, the missile must be pushed, similar to a payload cart up. The path is all uphill, (the cart roll back!) and continues in a straight line upward for a pretty good while! Once the missile launcher thing reaches the top of the hill, BLU team must capture it like how you capture the rocket in Special Delivery! Shit, I told you that it was gonna be complicated. But even I’m confused by what I just typed out. Lemme recap the gameplay real quick to try to make sense of it. -BLU must capture the houses, ala control points. -Once points are capped, intelligence spawns on point. -Intel must be brought to the missile three times. -After third cap, missile must be pushed by BLU like a payload. -Once payload reaches destination, you must launch the rocket, like in Special Delivery. -Also, there’s no timer so the round never ends. EVER! Makes sense, right? And I haven’t even gotten into the best part yet! Scattered throughout the map would be very dangerous hazards. As a result of Jack and his demon dino friends escaping Hell, all Hell has broken loose, literally! This means there would be dozens of hazards to look out for, including the aforementioned snakes and cactuses, along with scary bats, scorpions, and plant monsters that’ll gobble up anything in sight! But there is one hazard more dangerous than any mentioned thus far, and that is… JACK SKELLINGSAURUS HIMSELF! You see, after the sleigh is blown up by BLU team, it crashes down, causing him to break into a rampage. As a result of his blind rage, he will attack both RED and BLU team in a very exciting boss battle finale! “Season’s beatings, everyone! Hehuehee!” -Jack Skellingsaurus Jack Skellingsaurus would have many dangerous attacks up his skeleton sleeves, including the ability to punch you with his tiny T-Rex arms, biting you with his big jaw, and throwing Hell bombs, which are like a regular bomb, but much more devastating! Whichever team delivers the final blow wins the round. Sounds fair to me! The winning team wins a cool hat, based off Jack’s haunted Smissmas hat. Also worth noting: there’d be an achievement for winning on this map 12 times! Which sounds pretty easy to do. But it isn’t because this map is shit and the round never ends. Lucky for us, Valve will be sure to waste any and all development time on this trainwreck gamemode instead of bringing us anything new! Maybe one day it’ll actually be enjoyable? Probably not. I mean, Mannpower’s still shit. And of course, this update would come jam-packed with all sorts of new cosmetic items and weapons, which would all be locked behind the newest crate. An example of a new cosmetic item would be an item set for Spy that turns him into a Jack-in-the-Box. A new weapon for this set could be some stretchy arms for spy, which basically turn him into a character from ARMS, allowing him to backstab you from across the map. There’d be plenty more weapons and such in this update. But again, they’d all be locked in these crates, meaning you’ll probably never get the ones you want unless you get involved with the trading community. But nobody wants to do that! Hey Valve! Wanna know the BEST part about this update? It basically encompasses both Halloween and Christmas, meaning that it could serve as BOTH a Scream Fortress and a Smissmas event in the same year, making less work for you! And we all know how much you like to avoid hard work, instead opting to deliver the bear minimum. Anyway, that about sums up the final post of THE 12 POSTS OF SMISSMAS! I hope you’re all glad. I know I am. I was gonna make today's post longer, but I ran out of time. Plus, it's already too long anyway. Plus, plus I’m tired. I’m gonna go to sleep now. Goodbye SPUFFriends, and Merry Smissmas! (Or whatever holiday you celebrate!) Now that the 12 Posts are done, it means that I will return to my regularly scheduled programming, where I hardly ever post. Which is probably for the best. Bye! Eleven Poem Stanzas! Ten UFOs! Nine Dazzling Weapons! Eight Stolen Presents! Seven Smissmas Beatings! Six Billion Dollars! Five Brand New Taunts! Four Gingerbread Homes! Three Useless Effects! Two Candy Canes! And an Exciting Smissmas Story!
  3. Hello to all you good Sub-SPUF folks! It's me, LordAIDS Monkey! Normally, I only come around to post some wild and wacky TF2 update I've cooked up, but as fate would would have it, I'm already dry out of ideas, despite this only being my fourth or so major post! But never fear! As an excuse to return to my old ways (the anime profile image is gone, see?!), I've decided to shed some light on a past idea of mine, from the not-so-golden days of SPUF! You may be wondering why I put great emphasis on the word "shed", well, wonder no more! This particular update just so happens to be an old favorite of mine... THE SNAKE UPDATE!! Boy oh boy, I can't wait! Unfortunately, there is no existing documentation of the original update, (I was too drunk and lazy to save it myself), so I instead plan to revisit and tweak the fantastic concepts of the original! Now, to some, the idea of snakes being the entire foundation of a TF2 update may seem a bit random, but after a quick hisssstory lesson, you'll understand. You see, snakes are actually one of the most DANGEROUS hazards during war-time, and it seems as if our beloved game is severely lacking in these serpentine scoundrels! So let's jump right into the update! The Snake Update would transport our heroes into the middle of a sacred snake shrine, where they must fight in order to please the benevolent snake god, Glycon! The main draw of this update is the exciting new game mode that comes with it, which I have deemed "Sneak and Take the Snakes". The map, named "Temple of Glycon" (or satts_temple_of_glycon for you nerds) would be very adventurous, featuring rope bridges, lush greenery, ancient ruins, and most important of all, snakes! The map would be symmetrical, with overgrown ruins scattered throughout the center, providing cover for mercs! A look into the theming of the map! How quaint! The objective of the gamemode would be quite interesting, indeed! As usual in any TF2 gamemode, killing the enemy is awfully important! But in this gamemode, when you kill an enemy, a bundle of real life snakes spawns over their dead body! It is your job to collect these snake bundles and deliver them to the Snake Shrine. (Which is in the middle somewhere.) You can carry up to three bundles at a time, but make sure you don’t die while you have any, or they’ll be easy pickings for the enemy! Once the snakes have been brought to the shrine, they are added to the HUD, from which they cannot be removed. This highly repetitive battle between sides will continue for a couple of minutes, until a certain timer hits 0. “But what happens when the timer hits 0?” you may ask. “Does the team with the most snakes win?” Of course not! That’d make too much sense! You see, what I have planned is far more convoluted and pointless than that! When the timer hits 0, neither teams win, and both teams are warped to separate sections of the map! In both the (secluded) RED and BLU sections, one of the wicked and hideous MEDUSISTAS will spawn. (Redusa or Meblusa. BLU team fights Redusa, the cuter of the two sisters, while RED team fights Meblusa, the prettier of the two sisters!) Normally, this would spell danger for the mercenaries, but this is basically a non-threat considering the circumstances. You see, Glycon was very pleased when you fed him sacrifices, and now he wants to help you take down your respective Medusa! Each team gets their own Glycon, and his power level will vary based on how many snakes you collected, ranging from wimpy, to near-perfect! Obviously, the more powerful your Glycon, the quicker the Medusa will go down. Whichever team defeats their Medusa first claims victory, meaning that even the team who lost the initial match can still win the round! But, the team who won the first round will have a clear advantage in the long run, so it’s fair, right!? "I'm not one to turn down a fight! Especially not one that I can easily win!" -Redusa Of course, Medusa is no cake walk, even with a powered up Glycon! She’d have a multitude of dangerous attacks, including summoning Snakenadoes, which is like a sharknado, only with snakes. She can also turn you to stone just by looking at you funny. She can also use her sharp and venomous snakey claws to gouge your eyeballs out. Also, she can chuck bombs at you, that deal devastating amounts of damage. Upon defeating Redusa/Meblusa, they will turn to stone and explode. This awards you an achievement and a dopey snake hat! Whoopie! And no update is complete without its fair share of weapons, and lemme tell ya’, the Snake Update’s got MORE THAN ENOUGH to deliver in that department! So I’m gonna stop jabberin’, and post a bunch of SNAKE themed weaponry! SNAKE THEMED WEAPONRY! And of course, we oughta include Valve’s moneymaker, the OVERPRICED TAUNTS! OVERPRICED TAUNTS! But, of course, there would also be all sorts of wacky, snakey cosmetics shipped in this update, including a snake hat, and the illusive Trouser Snake. That concludes the re-visitation of an age-old concept. While the true Snake Update may be dead, hopefully this recreation serves as a reminder of what could have been. Anyways, I look forward to posting, FRESH new content, along with rehashes of past things I’ve posted! But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing out! All hail Lord Glycon! BONUS CONTENT!
  4. Heya there, my SPUFFriend! Remember back during my last post, where I cheated you out of a new Scream Fortress Idea by re-hashing an oldie from dead-SPUF? Well, I don’t. But I do remember that I promised that I’d bring some new and original TF2 Halloween content your way, so that’s what I’m here to do today! I’m gonna jump right into it, so get cozy in your little chair as I’ve got a lotta stuff to cover! (But a little less stuff than usual because no one actually reads this stuff, right?) tl:dr version: The mercs confront a surfing vampire that has sent the moon on a crash curse with the Earth. Yikes! Looks like the planet is in grave danger thanks to Rad Vlad’s carelessness! How are the mercenaries gonna be able to stop him? Glad you asked! So, the update will be split into 3 Days, much like past updates such as Love and War, each bringing all sorts of fun stuff! And UNLIKE Love and War, you’ll actually get to face off against the menacing monster on the last day! Three days remain! Day 1 will bring the stuff that no one cares about, such as hats and crates! The new hats will include all sorts of fun beach gear, as well as all sorts of spooky, community-made Halloween costumes for Pyro and nobody else. In the crates you can expect find one good (and rare) item, along with multiple low-tier trash hats, so you’ll have to spend lotsa money to get what you’re looking for. (Probably some kind of animal companion that'll become the most expensive item in the game.) Day 2 will bring other exciting goodies. We can expect to see a lot of new taunts based on the update, including an all-class taunt where your merc hops on a surfboard and is propelled around by a small wave. Whee! There'd also be a new taunt, Dancylvania, where the mercs to an awfully spooky dance. And maybe if we’re lucky, Day 2 will bring a few new weapons. Like a wooden stake for Spy. Day 3 will be the BIG day of the update, and the final showdown against the gnarly vampire himself! The new map, titled Vlad’s Castle, will be a control point map that takes place in Rad Vlad’s seaside home. The BLU mercenaries have discovered that in order to stop the moon from colliding with Earth, they must capture all the control points in the castle in order to turn off Rad Vlad’s moon machine! But that’s not gonna be very easy at all, because the RED Team will play the role of Rad Vlad’s surfer friends who also want in on the waves! A special look inside the all new map, Rad Vlad's Flooding Castle! But this control point map will be like no other! For you see, each time the BLU team captures a point, the water level will rise, causing Vlad’s Castle to flood bit by bit! This all new rising water mechanic will open up all sorts of new routes as the match progresses! The control points would be spread out across the multiple floors and rooms of Vlad's cool gothic castle, and would become accessible as water levels rise. But you must watch out for swarms of bats and other creepy creatures that may lurk within the walls of the castle, as they're always ready to pounce on you! And beware, for once the second-to-last point is captured, Rad Vlad will take matters into his own hands and will materialize from a swarm of bats! That’s right, Rad Vlad will be making an appearance as the boss character of this update, what a surprise! Rad Vlad will attack both teams, and can be defeated like a normal boss. However, the final control point can still be captured even when Rad Vlad has spawned. But he’s still a major threat for everybody! He’d have many attacks at his disposal, such as charging you down on his coffin surfboard, sending massive waves your way, turning into a horde of bats, and tossing around highly dangerous and explosive BOMBS! "Tonight I vill surf on a wave of blood! Ah-haha!" -Rad Vlad Once Vlad is defeated, he won’t respawn again for the rest of the match, so the last control point can be captured (or defended) with ease, which will hopefully put an end to this train-wreck of a map! If BLU wins, the moon is returned back into space where it belongs, but if RED wins, the moon collides with Earth, killing everybody. Also upon Vlad's defeat, you will be rewarded with some kind of achievement, and an all new surfer hat based off Rad Vlad’s! But that’s not the only new achievement that’ll come with this update. As always, Valve will end up deciding to make an achievement where you have to win on the map 666 times. Have fun grinding to get that one, friends! So, I guess that all wraps up this year’s spine-chilling Halloween Update Idea. While it’d be quite nice to get something this big and scary for Scream Fortress this year, we better not get our hopes too high. Because as we all know, TF2 is dead... and that is quite fitting for this spooky season! So expect nothing this year. Anywho, I’ll see you all next time when I bring back yet another classic from Old-SPUF that I’m sure none of you will remember! But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing out!
  5. Heya there, SPUFFriends! The spooky season is creeping up on us once again, which means I’m here to bring you all a scary Halloween TF2 Update! This time around, I’ve brought you all an old favorite of mine from Old Spuf. How fitting it is to be resurrecting a dead post from a dead forum during these (almost) Halloween times, am I right? Anywho, this Blast From The Past® is based on the hit Pinocchio Halloween Update! For those of you who are unaware, the original update was based upon this teaser image from Scream Fortress 2014, in which I posted my prediction on what I thought it could mean for the future of TF2! Could it be... Pinocchio? And of course, like all my predictions, this one also turned out to be way wrong. But that’s okay, because maybe if I post it a second time, Valve will steal my idea and it’ll become a reality. But probably not, because Valve is a lazy bunch of shitters. But enough of my chattering! Let’s get down to business, as I present to you all this BONE RATTLING, AIDS MONKEY CLASSIC… THE PUPPET UPDATE! tl:dr version: Pinocchio turns giant and hungers for flesh. So, now the plan is to blast Pinocchio to bits. There is no mercy for the puppet boy, as his conscience is long gone by this point. (He smashed that with a hammer, too.) But how are the mercenaries gonna do that? Well, lucky for them, there just so happens to be a set of train tracks leading from their base directly to Gepetto’s Workshop. That means the plan is to push a giant bomb in there, thus ending the life of this eldritch abomination for good! Going off that, we can assume that this new map is indeed a standard Payload map. But not just any standard Payload map! This year, the TF2 team will be taking the lazy route and will be overlaying a classic and fan-favorite map. FRONTIER! One big difference in this version of Frontier is that the entirety of RED team has been transformed into Pinocchio’s undead puppet army! So that means that it is up to the folks on the RED team to defend their master, Pinocchio! An exciting and unique feature of this map will be that the announcer will be different depending on your team. BLU team will be treated to the friendly voice of Gepetto, while RED team will be forced to hear the ghastly and evil voice of Pinocchio. Now let’s take a look at this little re-imagining of the map here… It's just Frontier. But with puppets. As we can see, the cart (stylized after Monstro the Whale) will start in Pleasure Island! In this section of the map, you have to be on the lookout for donkeys that might attack you! It’s also advised that you avoid collecting any beer (or other temptations) scattered about this section of the map, or you might become a donkey yourself! Once the point is captured at Pleasure Island, you will progress onto the Pinnochio Village segment of the map, also known as the infamous uphill climb of Frontier. Here, there aren’t many hazards, but try to stay away from the cliffs, for Pinocchio’s greatest rival, MONSTRO lurks in the water below! After you’ve made it through the village, you will make your way into the heart of Gepetto’s workshop! However, it is much less happy and lively than usual because Pinocchio has unleashed his evil Pinocchio magic upon the place, making it much more scary! In here, you must look out for haunted clocks and creepy puppets that may attack you! Now this is where things get real interesting! Once the third point is captured, the cart will automatically progress toward the green line, marked as the Giant Doors. During this time, the entirety of RED team will be forced to respawn, and upon respawning will be restricted to melee weapons only. Why? For beyond the doors lie the most terrifying monster of all! A 50 FOOT TALL, SKELETON PUPPET PINOCCHIO! "THERE ARE NO STRINGS ON ME!" -Pinocchio That’s right! The little wooden head himself will be appearing as the boss battle in this update! Only BLU team gets the honor of battling him, though, as RED team will instead get to assist Pinocchio in the grand slaughter with their wimpy melee attacks! To defeat Pinocchio, you must shoot him with all the firepower you’ve got, which definitely will not be easy. Pinocchio will be standing inside the final bomb pit, and will have a wide variety of attacks to unleash upon the BLU heroes, including but not limited to… Launching Pinocchi-Nose lasers that will transform you into a puppet (that will attack your team!), launching marionette strings to tie you up, bashing things around with his mallet, and throwing highly explosive bombs that’ll be sure to blast you to smithereens! Upon defeating Pinocchio, he will be magically transformed into a real boy as he had wanted from the start. He will plummet down onto the track below, admiring himself and saying such cool things as, “Boy oh boy, it sure is nice to be a real boy for once!”, and, “High diddle dee dee, a real boy’s life for me!”. Unbeknownst to RealBoy! Pinocchio, the bomb cart will automatically progress forward after his defeat, moving semi-rapidly to the bomb pit! Neither team is allowed to interfere at this point, so all you can really do at this point is sit and watch as the cart collides with the young boy, sending both the cart and Pinocchio down into the bomb pit. At this moment, a large explosion capable of killing anything in a five mile radius goes off, and the round ends. (Which of course, gives the victory to BLU, and both teams are treated to the excited cries of Gepetto announcing a successful mission.) So that about sums up the gameplay portion of the update. But no update is acceptable without cosmetic stuff to clutter your backpack with. In this update, expect to see all new item sets based off of your favorite characters from Pinocchio! (But not Disney's version, because I'm not about to get my ass sued.) And with this update, you can also expect to see millions of new, community created cosmetics for the Pyro! And that about sums up this Halloween Classic that we can expect to see never. You may be thinking that I cheated ya’ll out of a good Halloween Update Post this year by re-using an old one, but stay tuned because I promise you all, good SPUFFriends, that I’ve got a nice and original Halloween Update coming up a little later down the line, so stay tuned for that! But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey signing out!
  6. Howdy to all of you, my SPUFFriends! It has come to my attention that Comic Con has just come to an end, and I am quite disappointed that I never got to experience it! (I am a recluse with no friends, after all!) As I can only assume, Comic Con is a truly exciting event that must be experienced by all, even by us low-lives! So I’ve decided that in order to experience the excitement for ourselves, we’ll need a TF2 Update celebrating Comic-Con! It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted a big old update like this, but I am pleased to announce the ALL-NEW… MANN CON UPDATE!! (Yes, I know the game is dead, but perhaps an update like this is exactly what TF2 needs to become the most trendy game of all time! Eat it, Fortnite!) But before the Comic-CONtent comes the Comic-CONtext! So sit back and prepare for a little bit of reading! THE MANN CON UPDATE!! --------- tl:dr version: Saxton Hale is hosting a convention to make money. So this is where the gameplay begins! Everyone from around the world was invited, even you! Both RED and BLU team are excited to go about and explore the convention. The main objective for both teams is to go out and buy as many rare convention collectables as possible (i.e. comics, figurines, posters, etc.). The gameplay in this update would be most easily comparable to control points, but it does come with a couple of twists I’ll get into a little later. Control points would be represented by merchandise booths that would be scattered throughout the convention center. At the beginning of the round, all booths would be neutral, owned by neither RED nor BLU. Stand at a booth for long enough, and you’ll take it over. The booth can be turned over by either team at any time. But here’s where things get interesting! Once the round starts, all control points (booths) become active, meaning that they can be taken in any order you desire! Once a booth is captured, your team will gain a piece of merchandise for every five seconds you own it. Once a team receives 100 (or more, I dunno I’m drunk) pieces of merchandise, that team will claim victory and get to go home with all their rare collectables! There’d be a total of 7 booths evenly spread throughout the map, each booth representing one of the mercenaries interests! (Furries, Superheroes, Videogames, Sci-Fi, Cartoons For Little Girls, Cartoons Not For Little Girls, and Anime!) There would also be a food court in the center of the map which would serve as a wide open spot for combat, and would also serve as a hub connecting all the booths. Spawn rooms would be located on opposite sides of the map. A look into the map's theming! Beware of all the con-goers, you'll lose points for injuring them! Some would say that this gamemode seems pretty easy and straight-forward, but those folks are WRONG! For you see, as with every update, I’m going to shoe-horn in a boss battle that’ll interrupt the flow of the game! And what might the boss be this time? Well, I’m a little upset you forgot to ask, but I’ll still tell you anyways! The boss in this update is the charismatic and sleazy CON MANN! This shammy dude is definitely up to no good at this convention, and was totally uninvited! He’s the kind of rude dude who will scam all the mercenaries of their goodies and sell them for marked up prices! Every now and then, he’ll spawn in the food court, moving from booth to booth, disabling and resetting your team’s progress by stealing merchandise! The only way to get it back is by killing him! When he spawns, all of the booths become neutral and unobtainable until he is defeated, which will definitely put a halt to the gameplay! It now becomes the duty of both teams to seek his charming ass down if they ever want to see the end of the round! But The Con Mann isn’t as defenseless as one would think! He’d have a couple tricks up his sleeve, such as laying down fake collector’s items that will detonate all over you, as well as spanking you with his Con Mann Cane! He’d also have an attack where he chucks a buncha hunk’a bombs at you that deal massive damage to anyone caught in the blast zone! On top of this, he’d have many more attacks relating to his sleazy personality, like replacing health and ammo kits with frauds! Once he’s defeated, the booths will be re-obtainable and the round can continue as usual. Until he respawns about 30 seconds later. "Have I got a deal for you! Two ass whoopings for the price of one!" -The Con Mann But this update wouldn’t be complete without all new cosmetics and weapons based on the convention lifestyle! You see, all the mercenaries showed up in their cosplays and are ready to rock! So let’s delve into what each dude’d be wearing! I’m going all out with the CONtent, introducing two new cosmetics, two new weapons, and a taunt for each class! (But I’m far too lazy right now to go into much detail about any of them.) COSMETIC FLUFF! Other cosmetics would also be included in this update, of course. For instance, when you defeat the Con Mann you receive an all new outfit based off of his suit, as well as his macho chest hair! And there’d also be billions more cosmetic trinkets to collect, such as the final edition of the TF2 bi-monthly comic which will be released as paid DLC to celebrate the convention festivities! Anywho, that’s all for today’s update! Until next time, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing out!
  7. Howdy SPUFFriends! Very soon we will be celebrating the one year anniversary of SPUF's sad end. And that got me thinking on how I can join in on the wacky festivities! After doing a whole lot of nothing in preparation for the big day, I did stumble across something very peculiar in my secret archives! (Right between the folder for my grandma's cookie recipe and my Little Mermaid hentai.) Yes, you see friends, I stumbled upon something that I thought went down with SPUF, something that probably shouldn't have seen the light of day again. But today I bring semi-great news, as I have found a LordAIDS Monkey Original Update retrieved directly from SPUF itself! So get cozy in your little chair as I present to you the (mostly) un-edited TF2 Update pulled straight from SPUF's end-times! (You need to keep in mind the context of the time as you read!) And there you have it! An ancient piece of SPUF history completely restored by yours truly! Obviously, I lied at the end there about not coming back. It was just my way of attention whoring or something. But until next time, this is LordAIDS Monkey signing out! Happy SPUFFiversary, y'all!
  8. (This update post, in a true Valve fashion, was DELAYED. It was originally supposed to be for Valentine’s Day! Keep that in mind, friends!) Howdy there, my SPUFpowered friends! It is I, LordAIDS Monkey, here to share with you all yet another exciting TF2 update, because I love you all! That’s right! I love each and every one of you! (Except you, Scout!) Anywho, I know that Valentine’s Day has already passed, but I think it’s always a good time to share both love and TF2 Update Ideas! Today I’d like to introduce the MATCHMAKING UPDATE...! Wait, whaddya mean there’s already a Matchmaking Update? Oh well, let’s just forget about that atrocity and pretend it never happened! Allow me to present the backstory for this weird and wacky TF2 Update, The BETTER Matchmaking Update. ------ ------ Here’s the tl;dr version for you people that have better uses for their time: The Scout gets rejected by Miss Pauling and meets a magical fairy who fuses the RED team and BLU team together. ------ Yikes! Now that’s a real doozy of a backstory for a real doozy of an update! With the mercenaries all fused together, the only logical plan is to seek the wicked fairy out, and kill her in hopes that her death will reverse the spell! Unbeknownst to to the mercenaries, The Matchmaker is actually A SUCCUBUS, and is far more evil (and lovely) than they can even begin to understand! Being a succubus gal down on her luck, her evil plan is to fuse folks together in order to harvest their souls twice as fast when it comes to intercourse! How mean! Anyway, using Scout’s lust as a dowsing rod, they are able to locate The Matchmaker’s evil home of love, and the new map of this update! The new map would be called The Love Dungeon and would be the home of an all new game mode, called ‘Infiltration Mode’. The objective would be to battle your way through The Matchmaker’s lair, fighting off her many minions. The minions are all just bots, and must be defeated in order to advance to the next room. The rooms would start out very lovey-dovey, but get progressively more sinister and challenging as you advance, up until the moment where you reach the final room, where THE EVIL MATCHMAKER AWAITS, IN HER TRUE SUCCUBUS FORM! (Which is undeniably sexy, as long as you’re into succubus girls, you buncha freaks.) The Matchmaker's Evil Throne Room. Yikes!! Once you reach The Matchmaker’s throne room, an exciting boss battle begins! And who might this boss battle be? If you need me to answer that question, then you’re officially a dumbass! Don’t be fooled by The Matchmaker’s good looks, because she’s quite NASTY in battle, (and in bed.) Yes, she’d be the most challenging boss in all of TF2 history, because in order to beat her, you’d need to have TEAM COORDINATION! And God knows nobody in this game has that. She’d have a variety of many dangerous attacks. One particularly devastating attack would be drawing you toward her with an alluring force, where she will then suck your soul out. There is no escape, unless a teammate melee hits you out of your trance. She’d also have an attack where she FUSES you with a bomb, (much like Merasmus does with his bomb heads). The only twist here is that the bomb explosion can damage teammates! So in order to save your team, you must run into The Matchmaker, leaving her stunned for a period of time. She’d have many more attacks that would require team coordination to successfully avoid, such as sucking you off ‘till you explode.I Indeed The Matchmaker is not an enemy to be trifled with! Once The Matchmaker is defeated, huge demon arms reach out from her fireplace, dragging her back to the depths of Hell from whence she came. Don’t worry, though! I’m sure she’ll be back some other day, because I sure do love to reuse my update villains for sequels that nobody asked for! (*cough* Smissmas Dinosaur *cough*). After her defeat, her magical fusion spell reverts, and all the players in the server are randomly assigned to either RED or BLU. This is where the bloodbath occurs, where there is a final death-match between the two teams, where the winning team gets all sorts of wacky achievements! Including the all new F2P achievement hat that you’ll learn to hate! The hat, this time, being The Matchmaker’s Magical Tiara. (She dropped it as she was being dragged back to Hell.) Everyone will hate you for wearing this. No self-respecting TF2 update would be complete without exciting new weaponry! And this is no exception! So buckle up as I share with you a whopping THREE RESKINS and ONE “NEW” WEAPON! And with a name like The Better Matchmaking Update, you’d expect some changes to the matchmaking system, right? YOU ARE CORRECT! With this update, you could expect to see the entirety of the matchmaking system completely removed! Hooray! "The only thing that sucks harder than you...? Is me!" -The Matchmaker Anyway, that’s all for today’s thrilling update. Stay tuned for more exciting TF2 update ideas, amongst other things. But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, SIGNING OUT!
  9. Hello there, once again SubSPUF pals! It’s the Holiday Season, and we all know what that means! It’s time for an all new, exciting Smissmas Update idea! “But LordAIDS Monkey”, you may ask, “didn’t we already get a new update in the form of all new taunts and a Smissmas Stocking?!” Yes! We did, and let me say that Valve’s new excuse for a Smissmas routine has really grown quite tired! But never fear, I’m HERE to introduce to all you an EXCITING new idea, cooked up a year in advance so that Valve might borrow (steal) and implement it for NEXT YEAR’S UPDATE! So sit back, relax, and enjoy the thrilling idea! … It was a normal day in TF2 Land. But it wasn’t just ANY normal day! It was a normal Smissmas Day, and the Scout was throwing his yearly Smissmas Bash! All the mercs, of course, attended Scout’s little party. As Scout was going around, making sure all the guests were enjoying the festivities, he heard a peculiar noise that no party host ever wants to hear. “Ayyy, this party SUCKS!” shouted the drunken Demoman. “Huhuhuh! Heya, pally! There's no need to be feeling blue about my party! We’re bringing out the piñata soon, so good times are sure arise!” assured Scout. As Scout spoke, a knocking was heard at his door. “Yeehaw! Looks like we company, Scout! Don’t ya’ll worry, I’ll open the door faster than a barrel down a hill.” Engineer opened the door, and his jaw dropped immediately upon seeing who their guest was. Their guest was none other than the Smissmas Dinosaur himself! “Hello there, my little mercenaries. I’m here to warn you to be wary! The Smissmas Holiday is currently in danger, and it’s all thanks to some mysterious stranger! I don’t know who or what it is. But one thing’s for sure, it hates Smissmas! So I humbly ask you for your aid, and as a reward, you shall be greatly paid. No, not with money or things of that gist. But with a place on my jolly, nice list!” The mercenaries were unsure if they wanted to help the Smissmas Dinosaur. Afterall, he has tried to kill them on multiple occasions. (For those of you who are not aware, the Smissmas Dinosaur has been a recurring villain of sorts, as the mercenaries are always on the naughty list!) The mercenaries were also a bit confused as to what the task at hand was. Smissmas in danger? What?! Scout spoke up. “Huhuhu! Hey, Mr. Dinosaur, I for one, would love to help ya’ out! But, uh, what is it exactly you want us to do? Huhuhu.” “If we want to see our halls be decked, then I have some gifts you must protect! For many of the presents I’ve made this year, have vanished, yes, disappeared! A menace must be behind this trick... It must be a holiday-hating-prick! So I ask of you, dear little Scout! Please figure what this mess is about! If you don’t, Smissmas will take a bad toll! And you’ll all be receiving some dino-shit coal.” “Well, count us in then!” The mercs all shouted with glee! Yes, for once the mercs have all unanimously agreed on something. And thus it was decided, that they would seek out this holiday-hater. But, who in the right mind WOULD be such a holiday hater? Let’s find out! Meanwhile, in a dark, snowy cavern, was a tall figure sitting by a warm fire lit by burning Smissmas presents and the dreams of children. “Gah. I hate presents. I hate snow, I hate that dinosaur. But most of all, I HATE SMISSMAS!” This monster was none other than… THE BAH-HUM BUG! And this guy is bad news for sure! He decided to, once more, steal the presents and dreams of children. And so he donned his hat, and set out. Later, the mercenaries were guarding their presents, and that’s when the Bah-Hum Bug appeared! “Hello mercenaries. Just step aside, and I’ll be taking your gifts.” “Huhuhu! No chance, pally! These gifts are the property of the children, so you aren’t getting them!” Scout and his friends all formed a great barrier to block the Bah-Hum Bug’s attempts, but the Bah-Hum Bug came prepared to deal with these silly mercs. “Hmmph! Fine then! Get a taste of THIS!” Suddenly, the Bah-Hum Bug began absorbing the holiday spirit from all the mercenaries! “Hahaha! This will make great fuel for my fire back home! Now step aside, those gifts are MINE!” The mercenaries, now essentially soulless, listened to the Bah-Hum Bug. The Bah-Hum Bug made off with the gifts, and this is where our update begins! ... This update would be shipped with an all new game-mode, that ties directly to my Smissmas Story! The gamemode, Smissmas Spirit, will feature take place in a fairly large map, split off into two separate zones. In the first zone is where the bulk of the match will occur. The decor here would be some sort of snowy hill, with a couple of structures to provide shelter. Here, RED and BLU will be pitted in a usually death match, where the objective is to kill one another, and collect the small bits of holiday spirit from their victims. There will also be small spawns of holiday spirit across the map that must be collected. After a set time, the first portion of the map will come to an end. Whichever team collects the most holiday spirit wins this portion. Now this where things get REAL crazy. After the first portion of the game, the mercs are magically teleported into the Bah-Hum Bug’s icy lair. Whichever team won the first portion of the game receives significant buffs in this second portion of the match. But in this second portion, the objective is not to kill one another, but to kill the Bah-Hum Bug himself! That’s right! The Bah-Hum Bug makes an appearance as the boss this update! He’d, of course, have many dangerous attacks at his disposal, including throwing bombs, throwing presents, throwing present bombs, and a short-ranged attack that absorbs your holiday spirit, draining all your ammo and dropping you to 1 hp. (But an FYI, Scouts using the Wrap Assassin or Candy Cane, Heavies using Holiday Punch, and Spies using the Spycicle will be immune to this effect! However, festive weapons will not be immune, so don’t ask, you P2W sluts!) Respawn will be disabled during the second phase, so don’t die! If both teams die, everybody loses. If you happen to be alive when the Bah-Hum Bug dies, you win completely independent of your team! If you don’t win, you don’t get any goodies. Too bad! And what are these goodies I speak of? Well, a mandatory achievement that earns you the Bah-Hum Bug’s hat! But there are even more great achievements that can be earned, including the obligatory achievement where you must win on this map 8,000 times. "BAH HUMBUG!" -Bah-Hum Bug And what update would be complete without WEAPONS!? Well, according to Valve, every update is acceptable as long as they’re making money. But in my book, we oughta have weapons. So I’m gonna list a few neat concepts for you all! The mercenaries were all on the nice list this year, so they have the Smissmas Dinosaur’s permission to be total douches next year, with these cool new weapons that’ll make your team sure to hate you! The Speed Snatcher Level 0 Bat Hit teammates to steal 10% of their speed for 3 seconds -30% damage No random crits Scout can hiit teammates to take 10% of their speed to add to your own for 10 seconds. If you hit a medic healing you, you can infinitely stack speed boosts because Valve bugs are fun! The Tragic Tap Level 0 Battle Banner Buff built through death of allies in a nearby radius Buff refills health Buff grants full crits Buff only applies to user This is a Soldier Banner! It fills up by ⅓ everytime a teammate dies near you. Once full, you can blow it like a regular banner, restoring your health and granting crits to you for 10 seconds. The Pain-Bow Level 0 Flamethrower Damage increases by 15% for each teammate on fire Can not extinguish teammates No random crits This is a Pyro Flamethrower that promotes W+M1, the likes of which no one has ever seen. For each teammate on fire, anywhere, you gain a damage increase. But you can’t extinguish pals! Sharing is Caring Level 0 Lunchbox Feed a sandvich to a teammate to become bound to them If your bound teammate dies, you recieve mini crits for 2 seconds Sandwiches don’t heal An all new sandvich for heavy! If this weapon doesn’t teach Heavies to share their damn Sandviches, nothing will. Eating it yourself doesn’t do anything. Don’t eat it. The Frontier Vengeance Level 0 Shotgun Gain two revenge crits for every teammate that dies You do not receive revenge crits if you have an active sentry -50% clip size No random crits This is an Engie shotgun! It gains two revenge crits every time a teammate dies, keeping them stored on your HUD. You receive your crits whenever your active sentry goes down. Health Insurance Level 0 Medigun Uber grants invincibility, knockback immunity, megaheal, 100% crit chance, and speed boost +500% Uber build rate. Uber remains in effect after weapon switch -40% Uber duration Uber only triggers on patient death Uber does not affect patients This is a Medigun! It functions like stock, but Uber builds REALLY fast! The catch is that it only activates when your patient dies, and is only capable of affecting the medic wielding it. Strength in Numbers Level 0 Sniper Rifle Gain 20% bodyshot damage for each sniper on your team Headshots only deal mini-crits Can only fire when scoped This is an all new rifle! This weapon rewards you to play as Outback Steakhouse Man, as they say, strength in numbers! You get a damage boost for the more snipers you have! The Double-Double Agent Level 0 Disguise Kit Spy can initiate pain-links by backstabbing teammates When disguised, you take 50% less damage and will not receive status effects Cannot disguise manually Pain-link partner receives other 25% of regular damage This is an all new disguise kit! It allows you to form a bond like no other with your team. When disguised as them, they take some damage for you. You can't disguise as enemies at all! Demoman doesn’t get anything because he can just play Demoknight if he wants his team to hate him. And that's a wrap! Merry Smissmas to all you good folks! As always, I look forward to sharing more fantastic update ideas with you in the future. But until that day comes, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing OUT!
  10. Greetings, my Spuffy Pals, as well as my non-Spuffy Pals! I'm sure none of you good folks remember me, or ever knew who I was in the first place... BUT, BOY, DO I REMEMBER YOU! Now, those of you who do remember might remember me saying that I, in fact, died along with SPUF those long months ago! But, as Halloween draws near, those spooky ghosts and goblins, myself included, return from the grave, and spread good cheer in preparation for the SCARIEST HOLIDAY OF THEM ALL! That's right, for those of you that care, I have made a grand return to an all new romping ground! So, while Valve is busy using the Pyro Update as an excuse to not do anything, I'm here to deliver the quality Halloween content we've all been craving for the past few years! So sit back, relax, and enjoy my new, thrilling idea, which doubles as a gratuitous introduction to my return! As always, for those of you folks who don't know, I like to begin my update ideas with a backstory as to what's all going on, to ease you into the content of the update. As I always say... "Before the conTENT, comes the conTEXT!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Our story begins with old Saxton Hale, nearing bankruptcy after many, many stupid decisions with how to run his company. He decided he was gonna have to shut down a number of his stores in order to stay in business. "Now that I've shut down all my stores, I can pursue one of my real dreams. THE MANN CO.TEL!" You see, Hale didn't let hitting rock-bottom get him down, instead, he saw it as an opportunity to move on to his vision... an all new hotel! "Of course, with Mann Co. shutting down, I gotta fire all them no-good mercenaries, and find some cheap building I can convert into a five-star hotel!" That night, Saxton Hale called up the Engineer (who is, of course, the leader of the team!) to let them in on the bad news. "Listen up, mercenaries! It's been an honor working with you guys, but it hurts my heart to say this... I hate every single one of you, and I want nothin' more to do with you. I want you all out of my building in an hour, or I'll kill every last one of you with my bare hands!" Engineer was taken aback by Hale's bad news, and made sure to tell all his friends that they were out of a job! Those poor suckers, what'll ever happen to them now? Well, I'll tell you! The mercenaries, now jobless, began to brainstorm what they could do now. All their ideas seemed totally far-fetched, that is, until little Scout spoke up. "Huhuhu! Like, what if we became Ghostbusters or somethin' like that?" Engineer perked up a little bit after hearing Scout's words, and replied, "Scout, of all the ideas I've heard here today, that's gotta be the absolute worst of all. Everyone knows ghosts aren't real, so how in Hell do you think something that nonsensical could work, you freakin' idiot?" Demoman spoke up, in defense of poor Scout, "But, man, we fought me haunted eye one time and there was that pumpkin man an'... *burp* we've already proven we're more 'n capable of takin' on ghosts n' other creepy creatures, man...!" The fellow mercenaries all nodded approvingly to Demoman's wise words, but Engineer was not having any of that nonsense! "Shut up, Demoman! You're a drunken idiot! None of those things ever happened and you know it! I mean really, Ghostbustin'? You'd have to be some sort of second-grader to think an idea as stupid as that could ever work!" ... Meanwhile, Saxton Hale, ambitious as ever, began looking for land to build his Mann Co.tel. After searching far and wide, Hale eventually found the perfect plot of land! Large, cheap, and right in the middle of a desert! "Ah, this'll make the perfect place for my hotel! Now time to get work on my construction!" And so, after many years of construction, the Mann Co.tel was built, and boy was it a sight to behold! After construction was complete, Hale went inside and admired his handiwork. "Wow, after all these long years my dream's finally come true." A tear came to Hale's eye, but this heartwarming moment was soon interrupted..! All of a sudden, the lights went out, one by one, and a cold gust of wind blew through the dark hotel lobby. "Huh, what's goin' on!?' exclaimed Hale. An eerie muffled voice was heard down a dark hallway as he saw a dark figure approaching, and at that moment, Saxton Hale knew he had to Saxton BAIL! "I gotta get outta here!" Hale ran to the exit, but found that the door was locked! Panicked, Hale began yanking the doorknob, then turned to look over his shoulder to see if the figure had gotten close, and sure enough, the figure was right behind him! Hale blacked out from fear immediately! ... "I can't believe how stupid ya' are, Scout!" Engineer continued to exclaim, kicking the sobbing Scout, who was curled up in the fetal position on the floor. All the other mercenaries had left long ago to continue their lives, leaving only these two in a dim room, with an even dimmer conversation. "Did your mama really raise you up to be this stupid? I guess that's what happens when daddy ain't around! Heheheheh!" The scene continued for another few hours, until it was interrupted by a phone ringing! Engineer decided to take a well-earned break, and went to pick up the phone. "Oh, howdy Miss Pauling! What's that, Hale's gone missin'? Ghosts, ya' say? Man, looks like I owe someone an apology..." Engineer hung up the phone, and immediately dialed up the Demoman. "Demo, I'm sorry for callin' you a drunk idiot. Yeah, looks like some ghosts got ol' Mr. Hale! Demo, we gotta go round up the rest of the gang and become... Ghostbusters or somethin'! Let's go!" That being said, Engineer, as excited as a kitten in heat, ran out the door, accidentally stepping on the Scout on the way out. Soon after, the mercenaries all gathered together at Mann Co.tel. "Alright, boys. We've finally got ourselves a job. There's been reports of a haunting here at Mann Co.tel, and that's why we're here! Men, startin' today, we are now officially Ghostbusters! We're back in business, boys!" The mercs all cheered, especially the Scout. "Huhuhu! I knew you'd finally come through, hard hat! I say lets go in there, and see what those no-good ghosts did with Hale!" cheered Scout. Scout, being the bravest of the bunch, approached the door to the hotel and opened it. The door creaked open, and the mercs all stood in anticipation, waiting for something scary to jump out. And at that moment, absolutely nothing happened, and the mercenaries all went inside. Of course, it was awfully dark and spooky in there, but the mercs were brave and continued on. As they entered the lobby, the door slammed shut behind them, locked, and all Hell broke loose! Uh oh! At that moment, a horde of scary ghosts appeared! But these ghosts were awfully familiar to them... and that's because these ghosts WERE them! Wow, this is a mind-❤❤❤❤ if I've ever seen one! A certain ghost in particular flew up to the mercs, and began to speak. "Huhuhu! What are you doin' trespassing on our burial site? Huhuhu!" said ghost Scout "Huhuhu. Burial site? Whaddya mean, ghost pally?" said regular Scout. "Huhuhu! Glad you asked! That Saxton Hale built his stupid hotel right on our sacred resting place, and made us spirits quite cranky! We died fighting for his company, and this is how he repays us! Huhuhu! Talk about a bad boss! Well, we fixed him up real nice, so you guys oughta be leavin' unless you wanna end up like him!" said ghost Scout. "Huhuhu! We ain't goin' anywhere! Not without Saxton Hale! Huhuhu, right guys?" said regular Scout. He turned around, looking for support from his team, but alas, they were all scramming for the exit door! "Wait, pallies, where are ya' goin? We gotta save Saxton!" But what Scout didn't realize, was that Hale was a jackass to everyone, and they weren't gonna risk their lives for him, and why would they? He said that he wanted nothing to do with them! That being said, there will be no update this year, because who wants an update with just Scout? Nobody really likes him that much, and let's face it, Valve wasn't ever gonna make an update anyway! But... I'm not Valve! SO! I'll find a way to make this work, even if it requires an ass-pull, so don't worry! All of a sudden, the mercs all had a change of heart. "Scout, I was wrong about you. We all were. You're stronger, smarter, and better than me Scout. And I'll be damned if I don't die fighting by your side. You taught me somethin' today, Scout. You taught me that ghosts are real, and that I'm a real jerk... I'm sorry Scout, and I hope you'll forgive me... I hope you'll forgive all of us..." (*This is called "Character Redemption") "Huhuhu! Don't sweat it, pal! I know that if we work together, then we can save Saxton Hale! And by the way, I forgive ya' Engie!" said the Scout. All of a sudden, ghost Scout's eyes glowed red with EVIL, and he began to yell in a scary, ghoulish voice, "Huhuh! You fools! Now prepare to become permanent guests at the Mann Co.tel! HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Talk about a spooky backstory! After a terror-inducing tale like that one, the only way to simmer down is with a thrilling update, based on my glorified fan-fictions! So without further ado, I present my update to YOU! This map would, of course, take place at the Mann Co.tel, and be an all new Special Delivery map. Who doesn't love Special Delivery? The goal here is to deliver some scalding hot coffee from the lobby to the top floor of the hotel in order to appease the Ghost God! Sounds easy, right? WRONG! For you see, the ghosts will try to stop you, and deliver the coffee themselves, in order to get the Ghost God to unleash Hell upon the mercenaries. Of course, RED will take the role of the mortal mercs, while BLU will be the ghastly ghoulish mercs! Whoever delivers the coffee first, wins! The layout of the map would be indoors, of course, but the ceiling would be high up so Soldiers can still rocket jump! The coffee would be located toward the back of the map in the lobby of the hotel, which is awfully spacious and decorated with only the finest Mann Co. decor, such as sofas, chairs, and tables! There would be a number of windy, wide hallways, and access into some Hale's sweet suites, which would offer up a number of nifty alternative routes to reach the elevator on the other side of the map. The spawn rooms would in between somewhere, inside of hotel's cheaper rooms. The spawns, of course, would be off to the sides, opposite from each other, which is standard for a SD map. The elevator, of course, would be a large, open, lift in an open room, so that Snipers can pick off folks riding up! Once the elevator reaches the top, the Ghost God will either be bribed by the ghosts to unleash Hell upon RED, or be bribed the mercs to let everyone escape the haunted Mann Co.tel, causing BLU to lose! On the topic of Hale, he'll be appearing as the BOSS CHARACTER for this update! As referenced earlier, the ghosts have, in fact, possessed everyone's favorite Australian arms-dealer, and now he's dealing out arms of pain to both RED and BLU! Hale is too strong to be fully possessed, so he'll take his wrath out on both teams, pursuing them with a number of dangerous attacks. These attacks include punching people with his Mann Hands, and lobbing bars of highly dangerous and precious Australium, which will EXPLODE, not unlike a bomb. He can also throw REGULAR bombs, which will also explode! When Hale is active, the elevator is incapable of moving. And don't celebrate too soon once Hale is defeated, for he will respawn in a number of minutes, making the objective all but impossible complete! Of course, no Halloween map would be complete without all the necessary goodies! This map would feature pumpkins, pumpkin bombs, spiders, ghoulish gibus ghosts, and Merasmus's disembodied voice rambling about ducks! And of course, the update would be shipped with all sorts of fancy collectible items like weapons, hats, taunts, and other tricks and treats to stuff your backpack with! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Well friends, the time has come for me to end this update. Let's hope Valve does have something nice in store for this year, lest we receive the scariest thing of all... NOTHING! I must say that I am happy to be back, and look forward to sharing my other thrilling ideas with you in the future! But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing out!
  11. John Caveson

    Favorite Comp Format?

    Title, what's your overall favorite competitive TF2 format and why? Favorite to watch? Favorite to play? I personally enjoy watching and playing HL. All of the different classes get to be represented, it's the most inclusive as it bridges the gap between pubs and comp better, and it's the format that's officially supported by Valve the most. Plus, it provides a nice way for a control group for experiments on how the different classes are effective at different things, like a full team of Gunslinger Engies. 6v6 just seems so disconnected from modern TF2 and 4v4 is just too new for me to have an opinion on it. And as for Utilduo? Well....you know, who cares about Utilduo, right? Anyways, that's just my opinion, what do you guys enjoy?
  12. John Caveson

    Sissmas 2014 Update Thread

    Discuss the new upcoming Sissmas update here! Blog Post Mannpower Beta Details Will add more as new info pops up, please report any more news here andI'll add it to the OP. Merry Sissmas everyone!
  13. Reddit thread. Pastebin. So yea, apparently there's some leaked code for an Engineer vs. Spy update. This could mean new weapons for both classes, along with rebalancing (Engineer) and bug fixes (Spy). Also, new competitive matchmaking to go along with it???........ Speculate pls. :tin: :tin: :tin: :tin: