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Alea iacta est intro's gonna be long as fuck, after that it'll be shorter passages Micheal Caine finally came to. Rubbing his head that felt like it was about to burst, he looked around him: he was lieing on a old wooden bridge, that cracked and cried under its own weight. In front and behind him, barely visible through the smoke, were the remains of two identical buildings, symmetrical even in their destruction. The water beneath the bridge seemed foul, and Micheal noticed the Geiger counter on his wristwarch was ticking like crazy - better to get out of here before the bridge collapsed beneath him. Coughing from the scent of burning hats, he crawled to the side of the bridge, barely grabbing the edge before it crumbled down into the toxic water. Now, being on the side, Micheal could identify a silhouette of another person through the smoke, lieing face down in a pool of blood, and next to him, a pillar that went high into the sky. Micheal got up on his feet, walked towards the man, and crouched next to him - he was still breathing. Micheal did not attempt to help him: as a matter of fact, he was the reason that man lay there. "I have studied under Christian Bale himself, did you really think your childish ninja kong-fu woulde stand a chance against me, you orange-haired freak?" he muttered. "..f-fuck you" the bleeding man managed to utter "..i-it's shinigami, n-not ninja". Caine smiled. He reached toward what at first glance had appeared to be a pillar, and pulled it out of the ground to reveal its true identity: a gigantic sword, so ridiculously large a normal person would never consider using it. But he was no regular person. He was motherfucking Micheal Caine. "Tell the devil about your tamagochi bullcrap" he laughed at the dieing man, before cutting him sagittaly in half. "and tell him to reserve a seat or four, because your master is next". Caine climbed over the fence and walked into the desert, leaving the deserted forts to explode behind him. This had all started a few months go, when Christian Bale had woken up one day to realize how retarded his voice had sounded in Christopher Nolan's Batman. Dreaded by the destruction of his career, he had started to smoke weed erriday, until he finally collapsed under a severe case of the munchies: a disease with the simple cure of saturated fats. However, just on that same fateful day, Gabe Newell had gotten the news that his affair with a teenage black boy had given him herpes, starting him on an eating binge so severe that he had devoured the world's supply of fast food. But there remained hope. There were myths of a single donut remaining, somewhere in our solar system, that had not succumbed to Gaben's mighty stomach. This last, sacred donut, was sought after by many people, most notably by Gaben and his mighty army of money golems, who had destroyed the world in their wicked search for the Last Donut. Caine had to beat him to the lunch, before his master Bale died of munchification. Luckily, he had connections; a single guru, who could no doubt aide him on his quest. Who is this mysterious guru, and where is his hiding place? Jesus Christ that got long