Hello SPUFFriends! I hate to be captain obvious, but it's the holiday season! But unfortunately for you, I don’t give a shit about what holiday your family is celebrating this year! All I care about is the holiday our friends in TF2 are celebrating… SMISSMAS! In honor of the Smissmas holiday, I, LordAIDS Monkey, will be posting Smissmas themed TF2 stuff all throughout the month of December, in a truly magical event that I like to call… THE 12 POSTS OF SMISSMAS!
You see, for 12 days this month, I will be posting a Smissmas themed TF2 Update or some other bit of TF2 content to celebrate this wonderful holiday! All posts will be made in this exact same thread, so expect to see my ugly face bumping this thread all throughout the month! I can tell you’re excited, but don’t be! For you see, I am simply doing this as an excuse to shit out the old Smissmas TF2 Updates that I had posted back on OldSPUF. But know this, my friends! I’ve got just a few original Smissmas Thingies that I’d like to share with you, along with those rehashes… up until Day 12 where I plan to bring you good people of SPUF an exciting and brand spankin’ new Smissmas Update! (Hopefully the last day of this event lands before Valve does their actual Smissmas Update, which is sure to bring disappointment)
So please wait patiently by the warmth of your fireplace as I prepare all sorts of Smissmas Goodies for ya’ll.
(Disclaimer: I can’t guarantee that all these posts will be given out each day. I may skip a few ‘cause I get sidetracked with other stuff, but I’ll be sure that all 12 days are done before the 25th hits!)
~ On the eleventh day of Smissmas, Lord Monkey gave to me...! ~
Twelve Hellish Goodies!
Merry Smissmas to all of you, my festive SPUFFriends! I’ve got some good news and some bad news for all of you today… Starting with the bad news, today is the final day of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! It is, of course, very sad to see this event come to an end. The good news, however, is that today is the final day of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! Hooray! No more do you have to see this unwanted thread get constantly bumped, which means this forum can return back to a state of peace! For Day 12, I bring to you THE FINAL TF2 UPDATE IDEA OF 2018! What could today’s update possibly be about, hmm? Well, if you read Day 11 (which you probably didn’t), you would already know the answer to that!
As we all know, on Day 11 I posted a very ‘exciting’ poem, titled The Nightmare Before Smissmas. In it, the Smissmas Dinosaur didn’t arrive for his Smissmas Present delivery. Quite strange, indeed. But even more odd is that SOMEONE did appear, a skeletal menace flying high in the sky in the Smissmas Dinosaur’s sleigh! But just who was it? Well, I’m about to explain everything, in today’s update context. Before the update con-tent comes the con-text, afterall. And today’s context is quite lengthy, as it should be!
For those of you who didn’t pay attention during Day 7, the Smissmas Dinosaur had a wicked-nasty childhood bully from his childhood, over 65 million years ago. Up until now, we thought he had taken off into space on the great-big-dino-rocket-ship, but what if I told you… Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur never went anywhere? This is probably the most shocking plot twist of 2018, but it’ll make sense after a quick explanation… See, shortly after the dinosaur spaceship took off, it suffered a major malfunction! The brilliant dinosaur engineers who built it made sure to account for the weight of EVERY single dinosaur in the world. But as we all know, Clancy the Smissmas Dinosaur missed the flight, no thanks to Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur pushing him out. As a result of the missing weight, the spaceship’s calculations were thrown WAY OFF! So off, in fact, that the ship suffered a critical engine failure, causing it to plummet back into the Earth, killing every single dinosaur on board. (The very few nice dinosaurs went to Dinosaur Heaven, so don’t worry!) But… the NAUGHTY dinosaurs were all sent straight into the fires of Hell, where they belong. One of these dinosaurs was Jack Ass the Bully Dino.
As a punishment for harassing the Smissmas Dinosaur, Jack Ass was forced to watch how successful and popular the Smissmas Dinosaur was going to become, through a magical future-seeing television! He hated every minute of it! (He also had to deal with the usual stuff, like getting beaten by cute succubus-girls, but he liked that part.) He always thought to himself, “Why’s that loser so much more successful than me? He thinks he’s so cool with his Smissmas nonsense! If I were still alive, I could do a way better job than he could! I’m just so much better than him, HEHUEHEE!”.
Jack Ass’s envy of the Smissmas Dinosaur’s popularity grew and grew, and eventually he had finally had enough! He had decided he was going to break out of Hell, and return back to the world of the living to sabotage Smissmas, ruining the Smissmas Dinosaur’s life for good all for the sake of feeling better about his own shitty life. (Which, admittedly, was shit. Except for the part with the succubus-girls.) And so, he formed a pact with some of the other denizens of Hell and began to form an escape plan 65 million years in the making…
I would explain what their plan is, but it is so brilliant that I wouldn’t be doing it any justice by typing it out. But I will tell you this: the plan worked without a hitch! So now it would seem that Jack and his demon friends have escaped Hell, and they immediately begin to look for the Smissmas Dinosaur!
Meanwhile, the Smissmas Dinosaur was in his workshop, preparing for his Smissmas Eve flight. Things were looking really great for him! Everybody in the world, including you, made his Nice List this year! Which means that the entire world was counting on him to deliver them presents! But the Smissmas Dinosaur did not worry about such a big delivery, because after all, he’s the best!
“At long last, things turned out as they should
Everyone in the world’s gone and been good!
This is definitely a surprise, I’d never expect it,
But I’ve gifts to deliver, and I’m gonna commit!
Now I’ll take off in my big Smissmas sleigh,
So the world can have presents before Smissmas Day!”
As the Smissmas Dinosaur finished talking to himself, he noticed a strange disturbance. All of a sudden, a very large and very scary SKELETON T-REX JUMPED OUT FROM THE SHADOWS and began to speak in a very ghoulish voice, that somehow seemed familiar to the Smissmas Dinosaur.
“Hehuehee! You aren’t going anywhere Clancy! Not now, not ever! A shrimp like you doesn’t deserve to be successful! Success belongs to only the coolest people. And I’m at the top of that list! So step away from the sleigh, you dork! It’s mine now! I’m going to give the children of the world a Smissmas they won’t soon forget! HEHUEHEE!”
The Smissmas Dinosaur was confused at first, but quickly came to the conclusion that THIS was his child-hood bully! 65 million years ago, he would have been scared and back down. But back then, he was still Clancy! But now he’s the SMISSMAS DINOSAUR! And he knew he was totally capable of whooping some skeleton dino-douche bag’s ass.
“Now listen here, that’s a crock of shit!
Smissmas is mine, and you can’t have it!
Back in the past, you’d win in a fight.
With your superior strength and much taller height,
But now I can easily stand up to your menacing leer!
For these days I’m imbued with the Smissmas cheer,
So go on, bag of bones, just do your worst
No how hard you try, I’ll still come in first!”
Jack ignored the Smissmas Dinosaur’s threat, and attacked him right away. But as promised, the Smissmas Dinosaur gave him a thorough ass-kicking!
Jack knew he had been beaten, and could not accept a loss to a big doofus such as the Smissmas Dinosaur. But Jack had a backup plan. “Get ‘im, boys!” he exclaimed! At that moment, several demon dinosaurs from Hell leaped out and attacked the Smissmas Dinosaur! The Smissmas Dinosaur was no match for a demon army, and was swiftly taken down. He was then tied up, and Jack began to boast like the annoying son-of-a-bitch he was.
“HEHUEHEE! How the mighty have fallen, ya’ big nerd! Now I can show the world a REAL Smissmas celebration, thus cementing myself as the greatest dinosaur to ever live! EVER! But Clancy, don’t think ill of my plan… for I’ll do the best job that I can! Hehuehee! Ya’ heard that? I just rhymed! I’m already better than you! But I’m just getting started… This year, Smissmas will be MINE!”
With that, Jack took off in the Smissmas Dinosaur’s Smissmas sleigh, leaving behind the Smissmas Dinosaur and the demon dinos from Hell. The Smissmas Dinosaur pleaded to be let go, but to no avail! And this, my friends, is where the real context ends!
Wait just a gosh-darn minute… The Smissmas Dinosaur’s childhood bully is back from Hell to sabotage the Smissmas Dinosaur’s good name as one final “fuck you”? That just isn’t cool! As the new Smissmas Dinosaur, Jack has many plans in store for Smissmas this year in order to make it the “BEST SMISSMAS EVER!” These include…
-A change to the Naughty and Nice List. It is now the Cool Kids and Doofus List.
-Gifts are not delivered in the traditional sense. Instead, all gifts are delivered in shipping crates that require a key to open.
-Only the Cool Kids will receive goodies during his Smissmas flight! People on the Doofus List will only receive Smissmas beatings.
-All traditional Smissmas decorations will be replaced with demonic decor from Hell, as part of the deal he with his demon dino friends.
-Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur is to be referred to as Jack Skellingsaurus, as to make himself much more popular in pop-culture!
-When all is said and done, Jack plans to steal the Smissmas Dinosaur’s flesh, thus allowing him to become a living dinosaur once again!
That doesn’t sound to me like the best Smissmas ever! In fact, it sounds like the worst! Of course, the mercs catch on to all these evil Smissmas shenanigans real quick, and are more than ready to put an end to Jack Skellingsaurus’s misdeeds! This is where the actual update begins. Finally.
The new game-mode would, of course, pit the mercenaries against Jack Skellingsaurus and his army of satan-dinos. RED team would be reskinned to take the role of the evil dinosaurs, while BLU team would still be the good ol’ mercenaries we all know and love. It shall be called “The Nightmare Before Smissmas”, or TNBS. The objective for this gamemode is for the BLU team to blow up Jack Skellingsaurus, who is flying high above the map, (tnbs_smissmastown), in the Smissmas sleigh! But as we all know, the Smissmas Dinosaur’s sleigh is completely invulnerable to standard weaponry! So how can the mercs blow it up? By launching the mother of all missiles at it, of course!
Like all new Valve-gamemodes, this one is convoluted as fuck to the point of being unplayable. It is the task of BLU team to collect the missile launch codes. The launch codes cannot be found normally, and can only be found by capturing control points, (aka, the houses that have been visited by Jack Skellingsaurus). When a house is captured, the house is covered in all sorts of spooky Smissmas decorations from Hell, like spiderwebs, snakes, and menacing cactuses! But as soon as BLU captures the house, Jack Skellingsaurus’s evil Smissmas renovations are removed, and the home-owners will reward you with their missile launch codes as thanks.
The missile launch codes can then be grabbed and carried, just like the Intelligence Briefcase! However, if you get killed while holding the launch codes, the code disappears and immediately returns back to the house from whence it came. This also returns the point back to RED’s posession, meaning BLU has to recap if they want the launch codes again!
When the launch code is picked up, it is the duty of BLU team to bring it to the central missile, which is located in the back of the map behind a really bad choke-point that gives RED a very clear advantage. In order to launch the central missile, BLU team must bring a total of three launch codes to the missile!
Once the missile receives all three launch codes, it must be adjusted in order to assure that it will be able to hit Jack. Afterall, it only has one shot and you gotta make it count! At this point, the missile must be pushed, similar to a payload cart up. The path is all uphill, (the cart roll back!) and continues in a straight line upward for a pretty good while! Once the missile launcher thing reaches the top of the hill, BLU team must capture it like how you capture the rocket in Special Delivery! Shit, I told you that it was gonna be complicated. But even I’m confused by what I just typed out. Lemme recap the gameplay real quick to try to make sense of it.
-BLU must capture the houses, ala control points.
-Once points are capped, intelligence spawns on point.
-Intel must be brought to the missile three times.
-After third cap, missile must be pushed by BLU like a payload.
-Once payload reaches destination, you must launch the rocket, like in Special Delivery.
-Also, there’s no timer so the round never ends. EVER!
Makes sense, right? And I haven’t even gotten into the best part yet! Scattered throughout the map would be very dangerous hazards. As a result of Jack and his demon dino friends escaping Hell, all Hell has broken loose, literally! This means there would be dozens of hazards to look out for, including the aforementioned snakes and cactuses, along with scary bats, scorpions, and plant monsters that’ll gobble up anything in sight!
But there is one hazard more dangerous than any mentioned thus far, and that is… JACK SKELLINGSAURUS HIMSELF! You see, after the sleigh is blown up by BLU team, it crashes down, causing him to break into a rampage. As a result of his blind rage, he will attack both RED and BLU team in a very exciting boss battle finale!
“Season’s beatings, everyone! Hehuehee!” -Jack Skellingsaurus
Jack Skellingsaurus would have many dangerous attacks up his skeleton sleeves, including the ability to punch you with his tiny T-Rex arms, biting you with his big jaw, and throwing Hell bombs, which are like a regular bomb, but much more devastating! Whichever team delivers the final blow wins the round. Sounds fair to me! The winning team wins a cool hat, based off Jack’s haunted Smissmas hat.
Also worth noting: there’d be an achievement for winning on this map 12 times! Which sounds pretty easy to do. But it isn’t because this map is shit and the round never ends. Lucky for us, Valve will be sure to waste any and all development time on this trainwreck gamemode instead of bringing us anything new! Maybe one day it’ll actually be enjoyable? Probably not. I mean, Mannpower’s still shit.
And of course, this update would come jam-packed with all sorts of new cosmetic items and weapons, which would all be locked behind the newest crate. An example of a new cosmetic item would be an item set for Spy that turns him into a Jack-in-the-Box. A new weapon for this set could be some stretchy arms for spy, which basically turn him into a character from ARMS, allowing him to backstab you from across the map. There’d be plenty more weapons and such in this update. But again, they’d all be locked in these crates, meaning you’ll probably never get the ones you want unless you get involved with the trading community. But nobody wants to do that!
Hey Valve! Wanna know the BEST part about this update? It basically encompasses both Halloween and Christmas, meaning that it could serve as BOTH a Scream Fortress and a Smissmas event in the same year, making less work for you! And we all know how much you like to avoid hard work, instead opting to deliver the bear minimum.
Anyway, that about sums up the final post of THE 12 POSTS OF SMISSMAS! I hope you’re all glad. I know I am. I was gonna make today's post longer, but I ran out of time. Plus, it's already too long anyway. Plus, plus I’m tired. I’m gonna go to sleep now. Goodbye SPUFFriends, and Merry Smissmas! (Or whatever holiday you celebrate!)
Now that the 12 Posts are done, it means that I will return to my regularly scheduled programming, where I hardly ever post. Which is probably for the best. Bye!
Eleven Poem Stanzas!
Nine Dazzling Weapons!
Eight Stolen Presents!
Seven Smissmas Beatings!
Six Billion Dollars!
Five Brand New Taunts!
Four Gingerbread Homes!
Three Useless Effects!
Two Candy Canes!
And an Exciting Smissmas Story!