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Heya there, SPUFFriends! The spooky season is creeping up on us once again, which means I’m here to bring you all a scary Halloween TF2 Update! This time around, I’ve brought you all an old favorite of mine from Old Spuf. How fitting it is to be resurrecting a dead post from a dead forum during these (almost) Halloween times, am I right? Anywho, this Blast From The Past® is based on the hit Pinocchio Halloween Update! For those of you who are unaware, the original update was based upon this teaser image from Scream Fortress 2014, in which I posted my prediction on what I thought it could mean for the future of TF2! Could it be... Pinocchio? And of course, like all my predictions, this one also turned out to be way wrong. But that’s okay, because maybe if I post it a second time, Valve will steal my idea and it’ll become a reality. But probably not, because Valve is a lazy bunch of shitters. But enough of my chattering! Let’s get down to business, as I present to you all this BONE RATTLING, AIDS MONKEY CLASSIC… THE PUPPET UPDATE! tl:dr version: Pinocchio turns giant and hungers for flesh. So, now the plan is to blast Pinocchio to bits. There is no mercy for the puppet boy, as his conscience is long gone by this point. (He smashed that with a hammer, too.) But how are the mercenaries gonna do that? Well, lucky for them, there just so happens to be a set of train tracks leading from their base directly to Gepetto’s Workshop. That means the plan is to push a giant bomb in there, thus ending the life of this eldritch abomination for good! Going off that, we can assume that this new map is indeed a standard Payload map. But not just any standard Payload map! This year, the TF2 team will be taking the lazy route and will be overlaying a classic and fan-favorite map. FRONTIER! One big difference in this version of Frontier is that the entirety of RED team has been transformed into Pinocchio’s undead puppet army! So that means that it is up to the folks on the RED team to defend their master, Pinocchio! An exciting and unique feature of this map will be that the announcer will be different depending on your team. BLU team will be treated to the friendly voice of Gepetto, while RED team will be forced to hear the ghastly and evil voice of Pinocchio. Now let’s take a look at this little re-imagining of the map here… It's just Frontier. But with puppets. As we can see, the cart (stylized after Monstro the Whale) will start in Pleasure Island! In this section of the map, you have to be on the lookout for donkeys that might attack you! It’s also advised that you avoid collecting any beer (or other temptations) scattered about this section of the map, or you might become a donkey yourself! Once the point is captured at Pleasure Island, you will progress onto the Pinnochio Village segment of the map, also known as the infamous uphill climb of Frontier. Here, there aren’t many hazards, but try to stay away from the cliffs, for Pinocchio’s greatest rival, MONSTRO lurks in the water below! After you’ve made it through the village, you will make your way into the heart of Gepetto’s workshop! However, it is much less happy and lively than usual because Pinocchio has unleashed his evil Pinocchio magic upon the place, making it much more scary! In here, you must look out for haunted clocks and creepy puppets that may attack you! Now this is where things get real interesting! Once the third point is captured, the cart will automatically progress toward the green line, marked as the Giant Doors. During this time, the entirety of RED team will be forced to respawn, and upon respawning will be restricted to melee weapons only. Why? For beyond the doors lie the most terrifying monster of all! A 50 FOOT TALL, SKELETON PUPPET PINOCCHIO! "THERE ARE NO STRINGS ON ME!" -Pinocchio That’s right! The little wooden head himself will be appearing as the boss battle in this update! Only BLU team gets the honor of battling him, though, as RED team will instead get to assist Pinocchio in the grand slaughter with their wimpy melee attacks! To defeat Pinocchio, you must shoot him with all the firepower you’ve got, which definitely will not be easy. Pinocchio will be standing inside the final bomb pit, and will have a wide variety of attacks to unleash upon the BLU heroes, including but not limited to… Launching Pinocchi-Nose lasers that will transform you into a puppet (that will attack your team!), launching marionette strings to tie you up, bashing things around with his mallet, and throwing highly explosive bombs that’ll be sure to blast you to smithereens! Upon defeating Pinocchio, he will be magically transformed into a real boy as he had wanted from the start. He will plummet down onto the track below, admiring himself and saying such cool things as, “Boy oh boy, it sure is nice to be a real boy for once!”, and, “High diddle dee dee, a real boy’s life for me!”. Unbeknownst to RealBoy! Pinocchio, the bomb cart will automatically progress forward after his defeat, moving semi-rapidly to the bomb pit! Neither team is allowed to interfere at this point, so all you can really do at this point is sit and watch as the cart collides with the young boy, sending both the cart and Pinocchio down into the bomb pit. At this moment, a large explosion capable of killing anything in a five mile radius goes off, and the round ends. (Which of course, gives the victory to BLU, and both teams are treated to the excited cries of Gepetto announcing a successful mission.) So that about sums up the gameplay portion of the update. But no update is acceptable without cosmetic stuff to clutter your backpack with. In this update, expect to see all new item sets based off of your favorite characters from Pinocchio! (But not Disney's version, because I'm not about to get my ass sued.) And with this update, you can also expect to see millions of new, community created cosmetics for the Pyro! And that about sums up this Halloween Classic that we can expect to see never. You may be thinking that I cheated ya’ll out of a good Halloween Update Post this year by re-using an old one, but stay tuned because I promise you all, good SPUFFriends, that I’ve got a nice and original Halloween Update coming up a little later down the line, so stay tuned for that! But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey signing out!