LordCOVID Monkey

10. Marie Antoinette

Starting the list, we have the late and great queen of France, Marie Antoinette! She tends to receive hate for stirring up a lot of commotion during her rule, but this should not detract from all the great things she did! Though, being a history know-nothing, I can’t recall any of it. (Other than she had something to do with cake.) Rest assured, she’s pretty alright, and totally deserving to go down as the 10th best person in all of history.

9. Mahatma Gandhi

Gandhi is a pretty upstanding citizen, telling those silly Brits to back off when nobody else would! He reminds me of the American hero, George Washington, who unfortunately didn’t make the list. But why did Gandhi place higher than Washington? Because he told them punks to back off without having to hurt any of them! Good ol’ Gandhi!

8.Edwin Perkins

In 1921, this man had made history, perhaps bringing to the world one of the greatest and most innovative things of all time! Powdered Kool-Aid! While the drink itself is nothing spectacular, the nostalgia hits hard! Oh yeah, indeed.

6 and 7. Colonel Sanders & Wendy Thomas

I couldn’t decide which one of these was the better mascot, so they’ve tied for 6th and 7th place. On one hand, Colonel Sanders has a finger-lickin’ good secret recipe, and on the other hand, Wendy is quite a bitch and one should never try to engage in an argument with her. (She’ll totallly win.) Together, they make a totally unbeatable historical duo. (And a pretty damn good ship!)

5.Calvin Coolidge

When it comes to American presidents, good ol’ Double C is by far the greatest of them all. He may be forgotten by pretty much everyone, but that is only befitting of a humble man such as himself! Coolidge, though you were the 30th president, you’ll always be #1 in my eyes.

4. Medusa

Medusa kinda gets a bad rep, because she’s supposedly “hideous and wicked”. But know this! Medusa did nothing wrong, and she can’t possibly be hideous or wicked, because she has snakes for hair! Medusa also gets bonus points for being a variant of Snake-Girl. A really great historical figure overall.

3. Indiana Jones

Now, Dr. Jones is a pretty smart dude. He goes on all sorts of wacky adventures where he proves his worth, beating a bunch of the WORST PEOPLE IN ALL OF HISTORY (The Nazis). However, due to his unfortunate fear of snakes, he gets a few points taken off. But #3 isn’t that bad at all! Well done, Indy!

2. You

That’s right, my SPUFFriend! YOU! This may come as a bit of a shock, but I personally believe that you, and only you, are the second best person in all of history! So go brag to all your friends that you’re second best, because you’ve earned it! Unfortunately for you, you can’t be the #1 best, because that position belongs to...

1. Paul Bunyan

Paul Bunyan is, quite literally, the biggest name in all of history. All pale in comparison to his mighty stature and heroic deeds, such as chopping wood and adopting a pet ox. Some may say that he isn’t historical, but is rather a character from fantasy. And to that I say, “phooey!” Paul Bunyan did, and still does live to this day! And he’s better than you.