one day doomguy was on UAC mars base and his balls hurt so he say "i need succ" and went to go rent a robot hooker machine from the cafeteria vending. machine. but he was quick to realize that the power was out and the people who were in there eating were now zombie and eating eachother.
"my money that i use to buy sex hooker has no value in zombie society" said doomguy with accent of anger and determination as he threw the coins at a zombie colleague. this made the zombie angry and it charged at doomguy so he grabbed his shotgun and shot it with his shotgun. "i cannot get succ from zombie because they bite my penis" said doomguy with defeated tone in his voice. he shooted the other zombie in the mess hall and set out to find succ.
doomguy when he exited the zombie room say "d*mn it to hell there's more zombie" and then the marine base was damned to hell. doomguy saw lots of demon and he knew did not have enough bullets for all of them. "i must act fast or die without getting my nut" he said with vigor. doomguy ran in a beeline while dodging cyberdemon rockets and fireballs and those very scary skulls on fire. he did not know what to do at first but he felt that he was getting closer to his goal. suddenly a cacodemon appeared in the distance. "i am going to fuck that" said doomguy in a monotone and matter-of-fact voice as he ran faster toward it. it tried to spit lightning at him but he jumped over it and on top of it and rode it like a flying horse and guided it out of hell back to the marine base.
it was screaming and begging for mercy from doomguy but he had gone so far and he was going to get succ. he knocked it upside the head with his shotgun and dragged it to the medical bay and got a scalpel and removed its teeth and the gland that produced plasma. "i am sorry little one but i cannot masturbate anymore because of my calloused hands that i use to kill demon with" he said with genuine pity and remorse. after a few hours the cacodemon woke up and did not know what was going on but was scared. doomguy was not in the room because he had to take a poop. cacodemon try to escape but doomguy came back.
"do not be scared friend i will only get succ from you if consensual" said doomguy with honesty. he give cacodemon a menu and ask it out to date at the cafeteria. cacodemon didn't really know what to say because it was a cacodemon but it did not want to fight anymore so it just rocked back and forth trying to do a nod but it was a little hard because the entirety of its body was just a head. they went to restaurant and ordered spaghetti from the zombie waiter. they ated the spaghetti and it was good spaghetti because the marine base had transferred a 5-star chef to their outpost. the chef was a zombie now but she was still a good chef. over the course of the meal the cacodemon had begun swooning over doomguy. nobody had ever loved it enough to give it italian food before because it was a demon and lived in hell. it began to cry and doomguy wipe its tears off and say "shh bby is ok" and then hugged it.
doomguy put his hand in pocket and pulled out small box. he get on knees and say "cacodemon will you marry me" with happiness. cacodemon made a weird noise and smiled so he took that as a yes. they went back to the part of the base that doomguy lived in and tried to go to sleep together but cacodemon kept floating out of bed and hitting the roof like a balloon so they slept separate for the time being because they were very tired and had to get married tomorrow. he had discussed this with the zombie waiter and it turns out he was an ordained minister so they could get married legally and it was very important because this is a big day even if you're only one of four sapient beings on a mars base.
they woked up in the morning and were happy. zombie chef lady had given cacodemon a pink wedding dress to wear. cacodemon did not know how to wear it because it was designed for a person but still wore it anyway as a hat. doomguy wore his green armor and helmet to the ceremony to capture the magic of when they first met. he walked down to the aisle down the aisle with cacodemon who was floating. doomguy say his vowels. "caco, when we first met i just wanted to get succ, but i have seen that you are wonderful woman who is misunderstood because you demon." cacodemon cry again. and then the zombie guy did some grunts that vaguely sounded like "doomguy do you take this cacodemon to be your lawfully wedded wife" and doomguy said "yes" and cacodemon said "gughuuuuuuuhuguh". zombie minister grunt "you may now kiss the bride" and then doomguy and cacodemon kissed really really intensely like something out of a mexican soap opera not a wedding.
"so how does sex work" say doomguy once they get back to their room. cacodemon open her mouth and wait for doomguy to put in penis. "okay but if we married then succ is not necessary" but cacodemon gestured to mouth again. doomguy shrug and put his masculine penis in cacodemon mouth and see what happen. it turns out cacodemons have mouth that serves as reproductive organs and everything else. cacodemon's vagina throat begin to attach around doomguy's penis and encompass it. doomguy was having the best nut of his life and cacodemon was moaning and roaring loudly. "cacodemon i am about to ejaculate my seeds into your pottery" said doomguy as his voice was straining from sex. he could not pull out because his penis was tied to cacodemon but she did not want him to anyway. "i love you" she said in a demonic voice as her jugular was being flogged by penis. "i love you too" said doomguy as he shot his love juice into her.
cacodemon and doomguy both fell backward and gasped for air because they had very passionate sexual intercourse and needed to rest. "what happens now" ask doomguy. cacodemon could only talk during sex because that's a thing they do but she coughed up an egg and went to sleep. doomguy did not know what he had just created but could not abandon his child so he put the egg in an incubator and went to sleep as well. when morning arrived he woke up and found cacodemon looking after egg. "when does baby born" ask doomguy. cacodemon look at him and blink four times. he took this as four months so during those four months they worked with the friendly zombies and tidied up the war-torn mars base, restored power and demon proofed it and started trying to get a tiny escape pod running so they could send baby back to earth because there was no future for baby here.
soon baby was hatched. the baby was a boy and looked almost entirely human but with some weird blotches on its skin that kinda glowed sometimes. doomguy say "i will name him john" so he named him john, put him in a tiny marine armor and send him to earth, one day planning to build another spaceship and meet him. then doomguy and cacodemon had sex again but with protection.
