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Hello to all you good Sub-SPUF folks! It's me, LordAIDS Monkey! Normally, I only come around to post some wild and wacky TF2 update I've cooked up, but as fate would would have it, I'm already dry out of ideas, despite this only being my fourth or so major post! But never fear! As an excuse to return to my old ways (the anime profile image is gone, see?!), I've decided to shed some light on a past idea of mine, from the not-so-golden days of SPUF! You may be wondering why I put great emphasis on the word "shed", well, wonder no more! This particular update just so happens to be an old favorite of mine... THE SNAKE UPDATE!! Boy oh boy, I can't wait! Unfortunately, there is no existing documentation of the original update, (I was too drunk and lazy to save it myself), so I instead plan to revisit and tweak the fantastic concepts of the original! Now, to some, the idea of snakes being the entire foundation of a TF2 update may seem a bit random, but after a quick hisssstory lesson, you'll understand. You see, snakes are actually one of the most DANGEROUS hazards during war-time, and it seems as if our beloved game is severely lacking in these serpentine scoundrels! So let's jump right into the update! The Snake Update would transport our heroes into the middle of a sacred snake shrine, where they must fight in order to please the benevolent snake god, Glycon! The main draw of this update is the exciting new game mode that comes with it, which I have deemed "Sneak and Take the Snakes". The map, named "Temple of Glycon" (or satts_temple_of_glycon for you nerds) would be very adventurous, featuring rope bridges, lush greenery, ancient ruins, and most important of all, snakes! The map would be symmetrical, with overgrown ruins scattered throughout the center, providing cover for mercs! A look into the theming of the map! How quaint! The objective of the gamemode would be quite interesting, indeed! As usual in any TF2 gamemode, killing the enemy is awfully important! But in this gamemode, when you kill an enemy, a bundle of real life snakes spawns over their dead body! It is your job to collect these snake bundles and deliver them to your respective shrine. (Which is in the middle somewhere, but still closer to than enemy’s base than it is to yours!) You can carry up to three bundles, but make sure you don’t die while you have any, or they’ll all vanish! Once the snakes have been brought to a shrine, they are added to the HUD, from which they cannot be removed. This highly repetitive battle between sides will continue for a couple of minutes, until a certain timer hits 0. “But what happens when the timer hits 0?” you may ask. “Does the team with the most snakes win?” Of course not! That’d make too much sense! You see, what I have planned is far more convoluted and pointless than that! When the timer hits 0, neither teams win, and both teams are warped to separate sections of the map! In both the (secluded) RED and BLU sections, one of the two MEDUSISTAS will spawn. (Redusa or Meblusa. BLU team fights Redusa, the cuter of the two sisters, while RED team fights Meblusa, the prettier of the two sisters!) Normally, this would spell danger for the mercenaries, but this is basically a non-threat considering the circumstances. You see, Glycon was very pleased when you fed him sacrifices, and now he wants to help you take down your respective Medusa! Each team gets their own Glycon, and his power level will vary based on how many snakes you collected, ranging from wimpy, to near-perfect! Obviously, the more powerful your Glycon, the quicker the Medusa will go down. Whichever team defeats their Medusa first claims victory, meaning that even the team who lost the initial match can still win the round! But, the team who won the first round will have a clear advantage in the long run, so it’s fair, right!? A rare image of Redusa bullying an innocent snake! Of course, Medusa is no cake walk, even with a powered up Glycon! She’d have a multitude of dangerous attacks, including summoning Snakenadoes, which is like a sharknado, only with snakes. She can also turn you to stone just by looking at you funny. She can also use her sharp, snake claws to gouge your eyeballs out. Also, she can chuck bombs at you, that deal devastating amounts of damage. And no update is complete without its fair share of weapons, and lemme tell ya’, the Snake Update’s got MORE THAN ENOUGH to deliver in that department! So I’m gonna stop jabberin’, and post a bunch of SNAKE themed weaponry! SNAKE THEMED WEAPONRY! And of course, we oughta include Valve’s moneymaker, the OVERPRICED TAUNTS! OVERPRICED TAUNTS! But, of course, there would also be all sorts of wacky, snakey cosmetics shipped in this update, including a snake hat, and the illusive Trouser Snake. That concludes the re-visitation of an age-old concept. While the true Snake Update may be dead, hopefully this recreation serves as a reminder of what could have been. Anyways, I look forward to posting, FRESH new content, along with rehashes of past things I’ve posted! But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing out! All hail Lord Glycon! BONUS CONTENT!
TheOnlyGuyEver reacted to a reply to a status update: Heya, pals. It would seem that I’ve taken up a great task, and I’ll be tiering som
LordAIDS Monkey reacted to a reply to a status update: Heya, pals. It would seem that I’ve taken up a great task, and I’ll be tiering som
ToasterToastin' reacted to a reply to a status update: Heya, pals. It would seem that I’ve taken up a great task, and I’ll be tiering som
ToasterToastin' reacted to a status update: Heya, pals. It would seem that I’ve taken up a great task, and I’ll be tiering som
Idiot Cube reacted to a status update: Heya, pals. It would seem that I’ve taken up a great task, and I’ll be tiering som
hugthebed2 reacted to a status update: Heya, pals. It would seem that I’ve taken up a great task, and I’ll be tiering som
A 1970 Corvette reacted to a status update: Heya, pals. It would seem that I’ve taken up a great task, and I’ll be tiering som
Heya, pals. It would seem that I’ve taken up a great task, and I’ll be tiering something ONCE AGAIN! Only this time, I’m stepping out of my comfort zone, and discussing something that's NOT-TOUHOU. Yikes! This has the potential to get real nasty! But never fear, because when a list is as indisputable as this, there is no room for argument! I present to you all, THE DEFINITIVE 100% ORANGE JUICE TIER LIST!
The DEFINITIVE 100% Orange Juice Tier List!Spoiler
10. Sunny D
This isn’t really orange juice as much as it is fermented cat piss, but it makes the cut. It didn’t really have much to compete with, though.
9. Minute Maid
Maids shouldn’t be making me juice. They should be making my bed.
Very DOLE in flavor. Please stick to pineapple juice and the Enchanted Tiki Room, Dole!
7. Simply Orange
Pretty lackluster if I do say so myself. The other flavors of “Simply” rank much higher, so there’s no need for this stuff.
I didn’t know they made orange juice, but they make a pretty decent orange soda. But it doesn’t have anything on Fanta, so I can only assume that their orange juice is also second-rate.
5. Florida’s Natural
Florida is pretty much one of the worst states in the US. But their juice is far from the worst!
At the time of writing this, this is the only kind of orange juice I had in the fridge for “The Official Taste Test”. It was alright, I guess. Coulda been better.
3. Ocean Spray
Has the gall to claim that it is, in fact, 100% Orange Juice. Good for them.
Tastes good and is good for you. Mmm, mmm! Good!
1. Straight From the Source
The only true 100% orange juice. All these other juices are 100% sugar, but this! This is true, 100% orange juice!
There you have it! 100% Orange Juice, thoroughly ranked in a proper, competent tier! Please remember to be considerate of my feelings, for I am only the messenger of objective fact! If you find yourself disagreeing with this list, then I’ve got news for you…!Spoiler
LordAIDS Monkey replied to Raison d'être's topic in General DiscussionIt's not the AIDS Monkey 2hu Ratings List. It's the DEFINITIVE Top Touhou List, meaning that it's pretty much official. (I used a highly sophisticated method to figure this stuff out.) Plus, your list is incorrect, because if it were based off of the DEFINITIVE Top Touhou List, I'd be number 5, silly goose. (Also, I'm under the implication you never assigned a SPUF fella to Shizuha! Shame on you.)
Hello friends! I return again to post one last bit of weeb stuff! Since I posted the BEST 25 Touhou Tier, I figured it was necessary that I posted the more controversial counterpart... The DEFINITIVE Touhou Top 25: Worst Edition! Please keep in mind that this list is, once again, objective, so don't hate on me if you don't like it! Hate on your own terrible taste!
The DEFINITIVE Touhou Top 25: Worst Edition!Spoiler
25: Captain Murasa
She bullies the boating Toohoos, like Komachi and Futo! And I like Komachi and Futo!
24: Shizuha Aki
I like her, I really do. The thing is, nobody else does.
23: Flandre Scarlet
Her theme isn’t even that great, guys. And Remilia is the better of the sisters, anyway!
22: Ran Yakumo
She isn’t here just to tick off a certain somebody… The thing is, I REALLY don’t like cat girls!
21: Satono Nishida
I don’t even know what to say about her, that’s how little I care.
20: Jo’on Yorigami
The first time I saw her I thought she had a mole on her face, and I thought it was the most perfect thing. Needless to say, I was disappointed when I found out she didn’t have a mole.
19: Alice Margatroid
Still lives in her mother’s basement and plays with dolls. What a goddamn loser.
18: Medicine Melancholy
Still lives in her mother’s basement and plays with herself. What a goddamn loser.
She’s just a silly little Chen knockoff!
I hate these damn rabbits.
15: Tewi Inaba
Seriously, I hate them.
These rabbits need to go! (Except for Reisen, because she is a badass!)
13: Kogasa Tatara
I accidentally put her here. I love Kogasa, and she could kick Yukari and Yuuka’s ass anyday. They carry umbrellas... BUT THIS BITCH IS AN UMBRELLA!
12: Sakuya Izayoi
She needs to stop bullying Meiling.
11: Chiyuri Kitashirakawa
10: Iku Nagae
Tenshi was gonna be here again, but she can’t be 10th best and worst. So here’s Iku. She’s like the bad version of Tenshi.
If I hear another nine joke, I might just scream!
8: Seija Kijin
Seija is one of those “love to hate” characters, so it was inevitable she’d appear on a worst toohoo tier list.
7: The Three Mischievous Fairies
It only seems fair that I put a trio on this list like it did with the best Toohoos list. But unlike the Prismriver Sisters, these guys have no redeeming qualities.
6: Hatate Himekaidou
5: Okina Matara
She’s cute and all, until you realize that she’s just Junko’s reject sister! That being said, I still love her theme, despite it just being a messy mash-up of past themes. Heck, is anything about her original?!
4: Suika Ibuki
Like a way less cool version of Yuugi. Who also happens to be a loli.
I can’t even remember her name. Not for the life of me.
2: Reimu Hakurei
An absolutely despicable character. She goes around bullying innocent Toohoos, and doesn’t even apologize! She’s also a dirty cheater who makes rules so she has the advantage, not cool, Reimu! She’s cute, but so is every Toohoo, so her one redeeming quality is moot. Now, I ask you, what could be worse than this shit-stain of a Toohoo?
1: Evil Eye Sigma
How the fuck did this Eldritch Abomination get in my Toohoo!?
Now you know the worst Toohoos are! If your favorites weren't on this list, good for you! Anyway, I don't think I'm cut out being trendy like this. I'm done posting this weeb stuff. I shall return to my regularly scheduled programming soon!
Today, in order to complete my trendy transformation, I must post some weeb crap. Unfortunately, I haven’t watched any anime, but I do know just enough about Touhou, so that’ll have to do! I bring to you all, my DEFINITIVE TOUHOU TIER LIST! This list is objective, so don’t try arguing it! It’s not gonna work!
The DEFINITIVE Touhou Top 25 ListSpoiler
25. The Prismriver Sisters
When they are alone, they’re totally trash tier toohoos. But together, they become an unstoppable powerhouse!
24. Yamame Kurodani
I don’t like spiders one bit, but spider toohoos on the other hand. They’re okay.
23. Hecatia Lapislazuli
She has the dumbest name and design ever but I can’t help but love her for it.
22. Kaguya Houraisan
Way better than that Mokou bitch. #teamkaguya
21. Ichirin Kumoi
She’s only here because of that cloud genie guy. She’s a real sucker without him.
20. Shinmyoumaru Sukuna
She is the cutest darn thing ever. But she isn’t quite good enough for top 10!
19. Shikieiki Yamaxanadu
I don’t know what to say about her, other than I like her hat.
18. Kagerou Imaizumi
If Twilight has taught us anything, werewolves are cooler than vampires. Fuck you, Scarlet Sisters…!
...But nothing is cooler than a headless horseman…!
...Except maybe a cute mermaid.
15. Satori Komeiji
She’s cool and all, but she has nothing on her sister!
14. Hong Meiling
Please stop Hong Meiling abuse. She’s overworked and I feel sorry for her.
13. Doremy Sweet
The master of being cool, hip, and smug. Also doubles as Santa Claus.
12. Byakuren Hijiri
Any character who’s good enough to be Donald Trump’s waifu is good enough to be my waifu.
10. Tenshi Hinanawi
She has ten in her name, so she’s automatically ten. Sorry guys, I didn’t have a choice.
She’d be higher if she weren’t dead.
8. Letty Whiterock
She’s fat, and that’s not a bad thing!
7. Utsuho Reiuji
She was a total team carry for me in Touhoumon. A real MVP!
6. Yukari Yakumo
5. Koishi Komeiji
As the official Koishi of SPUF, it’d be a shame if I put her any lower than this. But, believe me when I say that I wanted to put her lower than this.
4. Mononobe no Futo
10/10, would main.
3. Yuyuko Saigyouji
This fatass has the best final boss theme, and I once saw a picture of her with some pretty nice legs! Hot diggity!
2. Parsee Mizuhashi
Guys, I am not kidding when I say that Parsee is the perfect Toohoo. She has the best little songs, and she has the dumbest little scarf. And in spite of her grouchy attitude, her official art has the happiest face I ever did see. She might have even been #1, but then she’d have no one to be jealous of!
1. Hina Kagiyama
Take that, Parsee.
And now you know who the best TOOHOOS are! If your favorites weren't on the list, you better get yourself a new favorite.
And so, to fit in with all you cool kids, I have too changed my profile image to a cute anime girl! Hoorah!
Hello there, once again SubSPUF pals! It’s the Holiday Season, and we all know what that means! It’s time for an all new, exciting Smissmas Update idea! “But LordAIDS Monkey”, you may ask, “didn’t we already get a new update in the form of all new taunts and a Smissmas Stocking?!” Yes! We did, and let me say that Valve’s new excuse for a Smissmas routine has really grown quite tired! But never fear, I’m HERE to introduce to all you an EXCITING new idea, cooked up a year in advance so that Valve might borrow (steal) and implement it for NEXT YEAR’S UPDATE! So sit back, relax, and enjoy the thrilling idea! … It was a normal day in TF2 Land. But it wasn’t just ANY normal day! It was a normal Smissmas Day, and the Scout was throwing his yearly Smissmas Bash! All the mercs, of course, attended Scout’s little party. As Scout was going around, making sure all the guests were enjoying the festivities, he heard a peculiar noise that no party host ever wants to hear. “Ayyy, this party SUCKS!” shouted the drunken Demoman. “Huhuhuh! Heya, pally! There's no need to be feeling blue about my party! We’re bringing out the piñata soon, so good times are sure arise!” assured Scout. As Scout spoke, a knocking was heard at his door. “Yeehaw! Looks like we company, Scout! Don’t ya’ll worry, I’ll open the door faster than a barrel down a hill.” Engineer opened the door, and his jaw dropped immediately upon seeing who their guest was. Their guest was none other than the Smissmas Dinosaur himself! “Hello there, my little mercenaries. I’m here to warn you to be wary! The Smissmas Holiday is currently in danger, and it’s all thanks to some mysterious stranger! I don’t know who or what it is. But one thing’s for sure, it hates Smissmas! So I humbly ask you for your aid, and as a reward, you shall be greatly paid. No, not with money or things of that gist. But with a place on my jolly, nice list!” The mercenaries were unsure if they wanted to help the Smissmas Dinosaur. Afterall, he has tried to kill them on multiple occasions. (For those of you who are not aware, the Smissmas Dinosaur has been a recurring villain of sorts, as the mercenaries are always on the naughty list!) The mercenaries were also a bit confused as to what the task at hand was. Smissmas in danger? What?! Scout spoke up. “Huhuhu! Hey, Mr. Dinosaur, I for one, would love to help ya’ out! But, uh, what is it exactly you want us to do? Huhuhu.” “If we want to see our halls be decked, then I have some gifts you must protect! For many of the presents I’ve made this year, have vanished, yes, disappeared! A menace must be behind this trick... It must be a holiday-hating-prick! So I ask of you, dear little Scout! Please figure what this mess is about! If you don’t, Smissmas will take a bad toll! And you’ll all be receiving some dino-shit coal.” “Well, count us in then!” The mercs all shouted with glee! Yes, for once the mercs have all unanimously agreed on something. And thus it was decided, that they would seek out this holiday-hater. But, who in the right mind WOULD be such a holiday hater? Let’s find out! Meanwhile, in a dark, snowy cavern, was a tall figure sitting by a warm fire lit by burning Smissmas presents and the dreams of children. “Gah. I hate presents. I hate snow, I hate that dinosaur. But most of all, I HATE SMISSMAS!” This monster was none other than… THE BAH-HUM BUG! And this guy is bad news for sure! He decided to, once more, steal the presents and dreams of children. And so he donned his hat, and set out. Later, the mercenaries were guarding their presents, and that’s when the Bah-Hum Bug appeared! “Hello mercenaries. Just step aside, and I’ll be taking your gifts.” “Huhuhu! No chance, pally! These gifts are the property of the children, so you aren’t getting them!” Scout and his friends all formed a great barrier to block the Bah-Hum Bug’s attempts, but the Bah-Hum Bug came prepared to deal with these silly mercs. “Hmmph! Fine then! Get a taste of THIS!” Suddenly, the Bah-Hum Bug began absorbing the holiday spirit from all the mercenaries! “Hahaha! This will make great fuel for my fire back home! Now step aside, those gifts are MINE!” The mercenaries, now essentially soulless, listened to the Bah-Hum Bug. The Bah-Hum Bug made off with the gifts, and this is where our update begins! ... This update would be shipped with an all new game-mode, that ties directly to my Smissmas Story! The gamemode, Smissmas Spirit, will feature take place in a fairly large map, split off into two separate zones. In the first zone is where the bulk of the match will occur. The decor here would be some sort of snowy hill, with a couple of structures to provide shelter. Here, RED and BLU will be pitted in a usually death match, where the objective is to kill one another, and collect the small bits of holiday spirit from their victims. There will also be small spawns of holiday spirit across the map that must be collected. After a set time, the first portion of the map will come to an end. Whichever team collects the most holiday spirit wins this portion. Now this where things get REAL crazy. After the first portion of the game, the mercs are magically teleported into the Bah-Hum Bug’s icy lair. Whichever team won the first portion of the game receives significant buffs in this second portion of the match. But in this second portion, the objective is not to kill one another, but to kill the Bah-Hum Bug himself! That’s right! The Bah-Hum Bug makes an appearance as the boss this update! He’d, of course, have many dangerous attacks at his disposal, including throwing bombs, throwing presents, throwing present bombs, and a short-ranged attack that absorbs your holiday spirit, draining all your ammo and dropping you to 1 hp. (But an FYI, Scouts using the Wrap Assassin or Candy Cane, Heavies using Holiday Punch, and Spies using the Spycicle will be immune to this effect! However, festive weapons will not be immune, so don’t ask, you P2W sluts!) Respawn will be disabled during the second phase, so don’t die! If both teams die, everybody loses. If you happen to be alive when the Bah-Hum Bug dies, you win completely independent of your team! If you don’t win, you don’t get any goodies. Too bad! And what are these goodies I speak of? Well, a mandatory achievement that earns you the Bah-Hum Bug’s hat! But there are even more great achievements that can be earned, including the obligatory achievement where you must win on this map 8,000 times. And what update would be complete without WEAPONS!? Well, according to Valve, every update is acceptable as long as they’re making money. But in my book, we oughta have weapons. So I’m gonna list a few neat concepts for you all! The mercenaries were all on the nice list this year, so they have the Smissmas Dinosaur’s permission to be total douches next year, with these cool new weapons that’ll make your team sure to hate you! The Speed Snatcher Level 0 Bat Hit teammates to steal 10% of their speed for 3 seconds -30% damage No random crits Scout can hiit teammates to take 10% of their speed to add to your own for 10 seconds. If you hit a medic healing you, you can infinitely stack speed boosts because Valve bugs are fun! The Tragic Tap Level 0 Battle Banner Buff built through death of allies in a nearby radius Buff refills health Buff grants full crits Buff only applies to user This is a Soldier Banner! It fills up by ⅓ everytime a teammate dies near you. Once full, you can blow it like a regular banner, restoring your health and granting crits to you for 10 seconds. The Pain-Bow Level 0 Flamethrower Damage increases by 15% for each teammate on fire Can not extinguish teammates No random crits This is a Pyro Flamethrower that promotes W+M1, the likes of which no one has ever seen. For each teammate on fire, anywhere, you gain a damage increase. But you can’t extinguish pals! Sharing is Caring Level 0 Lunchbox Feed a sandvich to a teammate to become bound to them If your bound teammate dies, you recieve mini crits for 2 seconds Sandwiches don’t heal An all new sandvich for heavy! If this weapon doesn’t teach Heavies to share their damn Sandviches, nothing will. Eating it yourself doesn’t do anything. Don’t eat it. The Frontier Vengeance Level 0 Shotgun Gain two revenge crits for every teammate that dies You do not receive revenge crits if you have an active sentry -50% clip size No random crits This is an Engie shotgun! It gains two revenge crits every time a teammate dies, keeping them stored on your HUD. You receive your crits whenever your active sentry goes down. Health Insurance Level 0 Medigun Uber grants invincibility, knockback immunity, megaheal, 100% crit chance, and speed boost +500% Uber build rate. Uber remains in effect after weapon switch -40% Uber duration Uber only triggers on patient death Uber does not affect patients This is a Medigun! It functions like stock, but Uber builds REALLY fast! The catch is that it only activates when your patient dies, and is only capable of affecting the medic wielding it. Strength in Numbers Level 0 Sniper Rifle Gain 20% bodyshot damage for each sniper on your team Headshots only deal mini-crits Can only fire when scoped This is an all new rifle! This weapon rewards you to play as Outback Steakhouse Man, as they say, strength in numbers! You get a damage boost for the more snipers you have! The Double-Double Agent Level 0 Disguise Kit Spy can initiate pain-links by backstabbing teammates When disguised, you take 50% less damage and will not receive status effects Cannot disguise manually Pain-link partner receives other 25% of regular damage This is an all new disguise kit! It allows you to form a bond like no other with your team. When disguised as them, they take some damage for you. You can't disguise as enemies at all! Demoman doesn’t get anything because he can just play Demoknight if he wants his team to hate him. And that's a wrap! Merry Smissmas to all you good folks! As always, I look forward to sharing more fantastic update ideas with you in the future. But until that day comes, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing OUT!
Greetings, my SubSPUF buddies! Today I bring to you a blast from the past, and an old favorite of mine! The story of Scout and his dream for a White Smissmas. Will he get? Find out in this hit poem by yours truly! ... T’was the night before Smissmas, and all through the house,The mercs were all sleepy, especially Scout.The mercs all put on their jammies with the utmost care,In hopes the Smissmas Dinosaur soon would be there. As Scout gazed out the window, and looked to the sky,A shooting star flew, quickly nearby. “Oh please star, oh please star, just grant me my wish,I wish just for snow, for tomorrow’s Smissmas!”Scout returned to bed, his eyes shut like gates,And for Smissmas morning, he eagerly waits.As dear little Scout slept, he did have a dream,He dreamt of Miss Pauling, or so it did seem.Come morning, Scout awoke in a Winter Wonderland,Not knowing what sort of magic was at hand.“My wish, my wish, it has come true!”But looking around, the true reason he knew.“Huhuhu, I’m just like Jack Frost!” said little Scout.And so he set off to spread joy all about.Some joy for the Sniper, big Heavy and Pyro,For Medic, Soldier, Spy, Engie, and Demo!The mercs all awoke with great surprise and fright,“Merry Smissmas to all, and to all a good night!” ... Looks like everyone's favorite guy got his wish in the end! If this Christmas Classic is to be believed, anything can happen if you just wish upon a star! Anyway, that's it for now, but stay tuned for another Christmas surprise that should surface... eventually!! LordAIDS Monkey, signing out!
LordAIDS Monkey replied to LordAIDS Monkey's topic in Team Fortress 2.5That logic never stopped folks from getting caught up in the Christmas spirit the second Halloween passes. Besides that, I wanted to post something before Valve inevitably announces they aren't doing anything for Halloween this year!