Comeau

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/05/29/no-peta-cow-milk-does-not-cause-autism.html
 
Can we make it illegal to be a member of PETA?
 
Either way, they're just milking their crazy for attention now.
 

I'm done. I'm fucking done. GG reality.

Milk causes deliciousness to awash my tongue, that's all I know.

But Jesus PETA get it together.

Next up, breathing air causes diabetes.

I think PETA knows what they're saying is crazy now, and they're just embracing it because they like the attention.

Seriously, what the fuck?

I may or may not have expressed this before, but I love writing. I mean, I'm no gatdammed William Quakejavelin, but I've done some work; mostly school stuff. However, in my spare time, I create very short snippets of story concepts that either 1) take waaaay too much from the shit I watch/read/get into, 2) don't really have a fully established plot/characters/setting/anything, and/or 3) are just stereotypical as shit.
 
So today, I thought to myself: "Hey Comeau! Yes! You! Dumbass! Why not post these shit-tier ideas onto the intranets so that you can get help or have your work done better!" . And after a very brief reprimanding and beating that would have me thrown in jail for conscious abuse, I managed to pull this thread out of my ass! Hurrah.
 
And y'know what? Just for you, Patchouli, you can be the star TOO. That's right folks! You too can post your miserable heaps of thinly-veiled fanfic conceptualization work on this here thread too! Nobody gets to go home empty handed!
EVERYBODY GETS TO READ A BAD STORY PROMPT!
 
And now, I proudly present the
Unfinished Works of Comeau:
 
Untitled Modern Fantasy Story (Working Title is "Magic! The Death of Great America")

Spoiler Plot:
 
Nearing the end of the 21st Century, frequent strings of anomalous phenomena that cannot be accurately summarized by any known scientific principle has lead to the re-immersion of magic and the rebirth of spiritualism into the public's eye, and with serious implications: possibilities for endless fuel show themselves to oil companies; the incredible knowledge regarding metaphysical studies that could be reverse-engineered by studying this rediscovered art; but more importantly, the marketability of commonplace magic to benefit the common buyer.
 
Adam Abel Persson was an upstart business man going into the dead-end career of selling what is best described as "shapeless magic" to the public; however, issues arose due to the inability to use commonplace storage materials (plastics, ceramics, silicon, etc.) to package the raw para-metamaterial. Persson found a solution in the usage of living or once living things; however, taking a dark turn for the worse, he resolved that the largest possible container for a supply of his product was the human body.
 
Persson (through a highly convoluted scheme involving bribery, assassinations, becoming a founding force behind magical research, being elected the President of the United States for a brief time, and subsequently creating mass changes to the law through money and power) rises to own a giant castle, which churns out storage crate after storage crate of human carcass by the hour from a large farm of people. In addition to being incredibly gifted with magical prowess, he has hired a squadron assembled of trained killers from across the world to support him and protect his legacy.
 
However, this doesn't bode well with a massive revolutionary front based around the anti-commercialism of magic. Led by a young man going only by the name "George Washington", the movement's top commando group goes head to head with the Emperor of All Things Magaeconomical.
 
Setting:
 
2095 (tech is relatively same as 2014; more streamlined vehicles and more compact devices are the predominate change); then 2099 (arguably more dystopian; larger amounts of waste than before, and most tech is integrated with magic).
 
Characters:
 
"George Washington"
- Leader of the resistance, and main protagonist
- Young man, 18-21 years old
- Prideful; a scholar of old-school American history, literature and culture; very much a peoples person. Speaks in very dramatic, antiquated English.
- White, well-groomed hair and blue eyes. Rather athletic physique for his age. Wears a rather well-kept indigo frock coat above a white dress shirt, and adorns a pair of grey dress pants and black dress shoes.
- Born of the "First and Last Person to Go Against Magic" in America, "George" was raised by a former Navy SEAL and his loving wife. Both were ideal Americans; young, rich, charismatic, and willing to devote anything to their freedom. However, "George" was left an orphan after a violent scuffle between his parents and the police when the married couple was on their way to Lord Perssons factory to become a body donor. The young boy then grew up to identify magic with the betrayal of the people's freedom, and the death of the Constitution. Uniting former members of his nation under one goal, he took upon the name of America's Great Founder as a tribute to his hero.
 
Lord Adam Able Persson
- The entrepreneurial emperor, and main antagonist
- 25 years old in the start; 29 by 2099
- In the beginning, he is a hardworking, yet carefree young man; focused on the 9 to 5. By 2099, he becomes greedy, manipulative, and thinks himself a god; a business man who has reached true wealth. Speaks formally, upholds the importance of the audience, and never loses the attention of the person opposite.
- Has a head of rich mahogany hair, and sharply wields his pair of gray eyes like daggers; in 2095, he dresses comfortably in a cheap, black suit jacket and white dress shirt, black pants, and black dress shoes (he also wears black browline glasses). In 2099, he now adorns a olive long coat, a black dress shirt w/ a white bowtie, and matching black dress pants and shoes.
- Originally a simple, American man who had moved down south into the States to build a life for himself. However, the curse of the market drew its shadow upon him, and drove him to seek an enterprise for himself. In 2095, while working in the relatively dead-end industry of producing common-goods grade magic products akin to cheap toys, Adam discovered the key point in keeping magical energy for a sustained period of time is by keeping it around biomass; using this information, he came to the realization that the perfect container for his company's product, Prestigiagel©, was by storing the "magic Play-Doh" inside a human body.
 
Then, by manipulation of several Supreme Court Judges via bribery; a string of blackmail incidents regarding the then-Vice President and his relations with the President's wife; and sufficient murder of said President, Persson paved his road into legalizing the cultivation of humans in America for business purposes. By 2099, Adam had become the President of the United States, built his central fortress-factory in the middle of the Red River of the South, paid off America's debt, and eliminated poverty in the Southern half of the United States. To protect himself, the Savior of America hired a team of four professional killers to guard key areas of his central factory for him; these four consist of Hans the Killer (a German-Chinese former Buddhist monk, trained in several forms of Shaolin Kung-Fu and the inventor of a counter-style to Shaolin Kung-Fu itself), Scarlet Harlot (a professional Russian hitwoman and disguise artist who specialized in the use of a pill containing a fast-acting strain of tuberculosis to kill her targets; the pill would be administered via kiss), Dowser (a former warrior from a Native American tribe near the then-polluted Red River; exploited by Persson into joining the guard squad), and The Word of the Wind (a Japanese-Russian assassin who emulates a traditional ninja, with the advantage of using wind magic to silence his movement and give him extra mobility).

I may or may not have expressed this before, but I love writing. I mean, I'm no gatdammed William Quakejavelin, but I've done some work; mostly school stuff. However, in my spare time, I create very short snippets of story concepts that either 1) take waaaay too much from the shit I watch/read/get into, 2) don't really have a fully established plot/characters/setting/anything, and/or 3) are just stereotypical as shit.
 
So today, I thought to myself: "Hey Comeau! Yes! You! Dumbass! Why not post these shit-tier ideas onto the intranets so that you can get help or have your work done better!" . And after a very brief reprimanding and beating that would have me thrown in jail for conscious abuse, I managed to pull this thread out of my ass! Hurrah.
 
And y'know what? Just for you, Patchouli, you can be the star TOO. That's right folks! You too can post your miserable heaps of thinly-veiled fanfic conceptualization work on this here thread too! Nobody gets to go home empty handed!
EVERYBODY GETS TO READ A BAD STORY PROMPT!
 
And now, I proudly present the
Unfinished Works of Comeau:
 
Untitled Modern Fantasy Story (Working Title is "Magic! The Death of Great America")

Spoiler Plot:
 
Nearing the end of the 21st Century, frequent strings of anomalous phenomena that cannot be accurately summarized by any known scientific principle has lead to the re-immersion of magic and the rebirth of spiritualism into the public's eye, and with serious implications: possibilities for endless fuel show themselves to oil companies; the incredible knowledge regarding metaphysical studies that could be reverse-engineered by studying this rediscovered art; but more importantly, the marketability of commonplace magic to benefit the common buyer.
 
Adam Abel Persson was an upstart business man going into the dead-end career of selling what is best described as "shapeless magic" to the public; however, issues arose due to the inability to use commonplace storage materials (plastics, ceramics, silicon, etc.) to package the raw para-metamaterial. Persson found a solution in the usage of living or once living things; however, taking a dark turn for the worse, he resolved that the largest possible container for a supply of his product was the human body.
 
Persson (through a highly convoluted scheme involving bribery, assassinations, becoming a founding force behind magical research, being elected the President of the United States for a brief time, and subsequently creating mass changes to the law through money and power) rises to own a giant castle, which churns out storage crate after storage crate of human carcass by the hour from a large farm of people. In addition to being incredibly gifted with magical prowess, he has hired a squadron assembled of trained killers from across the world to support him and protect his legacy.
 
However, this doesn't bode well with a massive revolutionary front based around the anti-commercialism of magic. Led by a young man going only by the name "George Washington", the movement's top commando group goes head to head with the Emperor of All Things Magaeconomical.
 
Setting:
 
2095 (tech is relatively same as 2014; more streamlined vehicles and more compact devices are the predominate change); then 2099 (arguably more dystopian; larger amounts of waste than before, and most tech is integrated with magic).
 
Characters:
 
"George Washington"
- Leader of the resistance, and main protagonist
- Young man, 18-21 years old
- Prideful; a scholar of old-school American history, literature and culture; very much a peoples person. Speaks in very dramatic, antiquated English.
- White, well-groomed hair and blue eyes. Rather athletic physique for his age. Wears a rather well-kept indigo frock coat above a white dress shirt, and adorns a pair of grey dress pants and black dress shoes.
- Born of the "First and Last Person to Go Against Magic" in America, "George" was raised by a former Navy SEAL and his loving wife. Both were ideal Americans; young, rich, charismatic, and willing to devote anything to their freedom. However, "George" was left an orphan after a violent scuffle between his parents and the police when the married couple was on their way to Lord Perssons factory to become a body donor. The young boy then grew up to identify magic with the betrayal of the people's freedom, and the death of the Constitution. Uniting former members of his nation under one goal, he took upon the name of America's Great Founder as a tribute to his hero.
 
Lord Adam Able Persson
- The entrepreneurial emperor, and main antagonist
- 25 years old in the start; 29 by 2099
- In the beginning, he is a hardworking, yet carefree young man; focused on the 9 to 5. By 2099, he becomes greedy, manipulative, and thinks himself a god; a business man who has reached true wealth. Speaks formally, upholds the importance of the audience, and never loses the attention of the person opposite.
- Has a head of rich mahogany hair, and sharply wields his pair of gray eyes like daggers; in 2095, he dresses comfortably in a cheap, black suit jacket and white dress shirt, black pants, and black dress shoes (he also wears black browline glasses). In 2099, he now adorns a olive long coat, a black dress shirt w/ a white bowtie, and matching black dress pants and shoes.
- Originally a simple, American man who had moved down south into the States to build a life for himself. However, the curse of the market drew its shadow upon him, and drove him to seek an enterprise for himself. In 2095, while working in the relatively dead-end industry of producing common-goods grade magic products akin to cheap toys, Adam discovered the key point in keeping magical energy for a sustained period of time is by keeping it around biomass; using this information, he came to the realization that the perfect container for his company's product, Prestigiagel©, was by storing the "magic Play-Doh" inside a human body.
 
Then, by manipulation of several Supreme Court Judges via bribery; a string of blackmail incidents regarding the then-Vice President and his relations with the President's wife; and sufficient murder of said President, Persson paved his road into legalizing the cultivation of humans in America for business purposes. By 2099, Adam had become the President of the United States, built his central fortress-factory in the middle of the Red River of the South, paid off America's debt, and eliminated poverty in the Southern half of the United States. To protect himself, the Savior of America hired a team of four professional killers to guard key areas of his central factory for him; these four consist of Hans the Killer (a German-Chinese former Buddhist monk, trained in several forms of Shaolin Kung-Fu and the inventor of a counter-style to Shaolin Kung-Fu itself), Scarlet Harlot (a professional Russian hitwoman and disguise artist who specialized in the use of a pill containing a fast-acting strain of tuberculosis to kill her targets; the pill would be administered via kiss), Dowser (a former warrior from a Native American tribe near the then-polluted Red River; exploited by Persson into joining the guard squad), and The Word of the Wind (a Japanese-Russian assassin who emulates a traditional ninja, with the advantage of using wind magic to silence his movement and give him extra mobility).

HELLOOOOOOOOOO, SUBSPUF!
 
I AM BORED SO I AM DOING THIS.
 
So, I've got the idea for this thing where four people (first come first serve, yo) are on an adventure. They are located on Planet Ajax, ruled by the benevolent and good looking King Slick. The planet is fraught with danger, adventure and fiscal responsibility!
 
So, here's what happens: You all start with 100 in each stat. 0 in a stat means you're useless, 200 in a stat means you're awesome. To level up a stat you need to get five Stat Points, represented by Is. Each character also carries varies equipment that will either boost or reduce stats.
 
Now, the game. I will post a scenario for each character, possibly for all at once if you choose to form a group. At the end of the scenario there will be a choice. Now, if you choose "yes" to a choice, I will go on random.org and get a number between one and five. Any number between one and three means success, while four and five mean something bad. However, sometimes there are advantages and disadvantages to either option. A Luck stat below 25 means 1-2 is good and 3-5 is bad, whilst a Luck stat above 175 means 1-4 is good and 5 is bad.
 
So, here are the characters! Do not use the same character as BFNY! Sample signup sheet:
 



 
CHARACTERS:
 
Alva Torr-Xian (Rammite)
Head: N/A
Body:  The  Tattered Tunic (level 1 tunic)
Pants: The Tattered Trousers (level 1 pants)
Shoes: The Battered Brogues (level 1 shoes)
Accessory 1: The Caped Crusader (level 1 cape, Charisma +1, Wisdom +1)
Accessory 2: The Knob Jockey (level 1 Metal Knobs, Attack +1)
Accessory 3: The Douche-y Shades (level 15 shades, +5 Charisma, +5 Alcohol Tolerance, +5 Luck)
Prominent hand: The Senior Citizen's Kane (level 25 Swiss Army Cane, +15 Attack, +15 Special Attack, +5 Dexterity)
Off-hand: Two-handed weapon
 
Stats:



 
Richard "Dick" Butt (FrozenFirebug)
Head: N/A
Body: The Stock Shirt (level 1 shirt)
Pants: The Stock Shorts (level 1 shorts)
Shoes: The Stock Shoes (level 1 shoes)
Accessory: N/A
Prominent hand: The Great Baker of Jamaica (level 69 joint, +25 Magic, +10 Wisdom, +10 Cooking, -10 Agility)
Off-hand: The Blue Dew (level 25 bottle of Mountain Dew, +10 Intelligence, +10 Magic, -5 Health)
 
Stats:



 
Snivy (Davjo)
Head: The Hairy Situation (level 1 hair, +2 Animal Connection)
Body: The Snivy's Sleeves (level 1 jacket, +1 Stomach Capacity)
Pants: The Snivy's Shorts (level 1 shorts, +1 Speed, +1 Agility)
Shoes: N/A
Accessory: The Moon Moon (level 1 moon necklace, +1 Special Attack, +1 Magic)
Prominent hand: N/A
Off-hand: N/A
 
Stats:



 
The Fury (Comeau)
Head: The Cosmonaut's Cap (level 1 glass dome, +1 Health)
Body: The Spaceman Suit (level 1 astronaut suit, +1 Attack)
Pants: The Spaceman Slacks (level 1 astronaut pants, +1 Defense)
Shoes: N/A
Accessory: The Pouch of Ouch (Level 7 Magic Pouch, +5 Magic, +10 Special Attack)
Prominent hand: The Fist of Fury (level 1 fist, +1 Attack)
Off-hand: The Fist of Fury (level 1 fist, +1 Attack)
 
Stats:



 
(thing about stats here, if your accesory gives you say, +5 Smithing, and your Smithing stat is 120 with two Stat Points, it will appear as "Smithing: 120 (+5) (II)" as opposed to "Smithing: 125 (II)", so that's how stats are displayed)
 
So, once we get enough signups, let the games begin!

WOW TYPICAL CISGENDERED BLACK MALE SCUM ONLY LIKING SPERICAL GIRLS! #REAL WOMEN HAVE CORNERS!

Looks like Slenderman is getting slandered, man.

They obviously need to remember the basics of CQC.

Welp, might as well join the bandwagon.
 
Name: The Fury
Bio: The Fury was a member of the Cobra Unit, the founding fathers of all special forces. He went to space one time; bad move. Somehow he got on Planet Ajax.
Physical Description: Right here.
Likes: Fire, chaos, burning things, space. Also FURY
Dislikes: Humanity, Life, and things not on fire.
Starting Weapon: His burning fists. He lost his flamethrower, and is sad.
Favoured Side: FUUUUUUUUUURYYYYY

In case your curious how the SPUF server looks like in shaders, I've taken the liberty of taking pictures of the server's spawn so that I could show off my computer.
 

Something strange lies under Rynjin's Island Retreat...
Prank done by me, obviously.

one day guy was jacking off on internet
 
ad for horny girl pops up
 
guy talks to her
 
she actually isn't bot and writes back
 
guy is turned on
 
guy asks "asl"
 
girl say "6969, m, 2 blocks from your house"
 
guy is scared because she say "m"
 
guy is like "i thought you were girl"
 
girl say "i'm just fucking with you but other things are true"
 
guy disregards this and invites girl over
 
girl agrees and comes over
 
girl actually has 3 penises
 
suddenly crimson liquid
 
End.
 
 
 

I like how you're against playing a whore, but not against playing a character whose gender is "Elf".
 
You know what, forget it. I'll allow it. I should be thankful you've still got a 'J' in there.
 
But I hope you're happy with your asexual elf wizard, because now you're stuck with it.

Check your privelege, kek.
You're pretty lucky to have your gaddamned spot in this campaign, boy. Follow the fockin' rules.

Hey

HEY
 
I NEVER said you didn't need it to start with J just because you aren't going with Jared!
 
For fuck's sake I gave you the compromise of starting with J and including an A SOMEWHERE, and you couldn't even manage that!

Do you think this is a goddamn JOKE?!

The list of sample female elf names even has one that that starts with 'Ja', Jathal! They fucking spoon-fed that shit to you and you didn't take it!
 
Guess what asshole, you're Jathal. No matter what your character sheet says, no matter what you call yourself, you will be known by me and all NPCs as Jathal.

You are so fucking lucky I want an elf wizard.

motherfucker trying to mess with my jack campaign give him an inch an he takes a whole consonant can't even leave him alone for a few hours

Make me a Splicer. Your choice of Plasmids, Gene Tonics, ADAM consumption, sanity, weapons, type, whatever.

With permission from Just a Gigolo himself, I present my first ever work of subSPUF fiction. Enjoy.
 
 
Chapter 1
[spoiler2]
Chapter 1:
 
In the beginning, the signs were clear to me; >the unusual mountain climbing trip, >Tyrone's magical reappearance and growth of double dongs, and now, Rammite's weird seclusion? It was obvious to me. The Dongpocalypse was descending, and FAST. I managed to stay away from the rest of them for the longest time now, working on my Anti-Dong weaponry and my power armor. I needed not only the time, but I wanted to avoid getting involved in the weird reality control the dongs have.
 
I know this may be too late to fight; that we're all sitting ducks, waiting for the world's food supply to be warped into steak, for all of us to grow 6 feet long dongs and start having sex for no reason. But damnit, I know that I'm going to fight back! I can't let these . . . things consume my friends lives!
 
---------
 
The notebook felt warm in Comeau's hand. It was a clear sign the Donger Warping had created spacial distortion; which meant the worst had begun. The dongers had already started to create massive shifts in the fabric of reality. It was only a matter of time before they would take a host.
 
"I'm tired of sitting around. Let's kill some fuckin' dongers." Strapping on his suit of powered armor, Comeau grabbed his weapons (a Swedish backsword except with a laserblade, a C7CT Designated Marksman, and a Heckler and Koch USP respectively) and flew out the door.
[/spoiler2]

With permission from Just a Gigolo himself, I present my first ever work of subSPUF fiction. Enjoy.
 
 
Chapter 1
[spoiler2]
Chapter 1:
 
In the beginning, the signs were clear to me; >the unusual mountain climbing trip, >Tyrone's magical reappearance and growth of double dongs, and now, Rammite's weird seclusion? It was obvious to me. The Dongpocalypse was descending, and FAST. I managed to stay away from the rest of them for the longest time now, working on my Anti-Dong weaponry and my power armor. I needed not only the time, but I wanted to avoid getting involved in the weird reality control the dongs have.
 
I know this may be too late to fight; that we're all sitting ducks, waiting for the world's food supply to be warped into steak, for all of us to grow 6 feet long dongs and start having sex for no reason. But damnit, I know that I'm going to fight back! I can't let these . . . things consume my friends lives!
 
---------
 
The notebook felt warm in Comeau's hand. It was a clear sign the Donger Warping had created spacial distortion; which meant the worst had begun. The dongers had already started to create massive shifts in the fabric of reality. It was only a matter of time before they would take a host.
 
"I'm tired of sitting around. Let's kill some fuckin' dongers." Strapping on his suit of powered armor, Comeau grabbed his weapons (a Swedish backsword except with a laserblade, a C7CT Designated Marksman, and a Heckler and Koch USP respectively) and flew out the door.
[/spoiler2]

Get this straight!
I'm just a mean green donger from outer space,
and I'm bad!
I'm just a mean green donger from outer space,
and it looks like you been had!
I'm just a mean green donger from outer space,
So get off my back, 'n get out my face!
'Cause I'm MEAN AND GREEN,
And I am BAD!

More like DONGLAS

More like DONGLAS