LordCOVID Monkey

A wasp is looking at you:

I'm gonna play kayogee's version of the game because it allows me to ruin the game for everyone.
 
 
 
Scout: Shortstop, Madmilk, Wrap Assassin
I hate the Scout, and because of this it is my firm belief that he shouldn't be allowed to do any meaningful damage because he's an annoying little shitter. And his play-style should reflect that.
 
Soldier: Liberty Launcher, Gunboats, Market Gardner
If I've learned anything in my days off TF2, it's that the Trolldier is the most popular loadout of all time. Well, what of we had a Soldier/Trolldier hybrid?! We can please all the Soldier mains!
 
Pyro: Dragon's Fury, Shotgun, Hothand
Afterburn has way too many counters so I say we cut Pyro's over-reliance on it. Only then can Pyro become the best class. Also, the Hothand because that's the best weapon in the game .
 
Demoman:
Bootlegger, Tide Turner, Persian Persuader
Demoman is pretty cool as is, but I was thinking it would be cooler if we turned him into Pirateman by default. If you must have your explosives, the Loosecannon can be interchanged with the Bootlegger.
 
Heavy: Brass Beast, Dalakohs Bar, Fists of Steel
Heavy is a tanky dude and therefore his only choice of weapons should reflect that.  With these, he could become the unstoppable Force he was always meant to be!
 
Engineer: Widowmaker, Short Circuit, Gunslinger
Let's also make it so ammo boxes don't give any metal, therefore making Engineer completely useless, as he should have been from the start.
 
Medic: Blutsauger, Quick-Fix, Solemn Vow
With this new change, the balance of TF2 will be flipped on its head! Certainly an exciting and welcome change to any game. Battle Medics, unite!
 
Sniper: Sniper Rifle, SMG, Kukri
Everybody already hates Sniper so I don't think I need to make any changes to his stock loadout to ruin the game.
 
Spy: L'Etranger, Big Earner, Cloak and Dagger, Red Tape Recorder
Let's just make it so Spy is invisible forever.
 
 
 
Valve, please hire me.
 
 
 

I love that nowadays you can't find a video by clicking on something you know was related to it because 50% is shit you've already watched, 25% stuff youtube has decided to put on everyone's recommended, and 25% related videos

Hey howdy ho, SPUFFriends! It’s Valentine’s Day today, and you know what that means!  Love is in the air! And do you know what I’d love? Some new content for TF2, that’s what! And as the old saying goes, “If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself!” Lucky for me and the rest of humanity, I am by myself on this lonesome Valentine’s Day! So today, I shall bring all you good folks a brand spankin’ new TF2 update idea!
 
Today’s update is a sequel update to last year’s Valentine’s Update, “The Better Matchmaking Update.” The only way to follow up an update like that, of course, is with “The Best Matchmaking Update!”. So that’s the update that I propose for today! We live in a world where uninspired sequels reign supreme, so I hope you’ll all enjoy MY uninspired sequel! So sit back, relax, and enjoy this lengthy backstory!
 
-----

 
 
-----
 
(tl:dr version: A drunk succubus shows up at the mercenaries' house after getting fired from her job.)
 
Yikes, the Matchmaker’s back in town?  That sure spells danger for the mercs. Luckily, it seems she’s out of a job and totally a non-threat this time around.  Unluckily though, it seems there’s a much bigger threat this time! You see, Lladnar and Mr. Raingallows had been secretly plotting some contingency plans to fight the energy crisis that is facing Hell! Typically, Incubus Inc. takes great pride in the fact that they only take souls from consensual encounters, however, Mr. Raingallows and Lladnar have developed a plan that goes against their code of honor… namely a gigantic sexbot army that will forcefully drain the souls from unwilling victims, including children! The Matchmaker needs the mercs’ help to put a stop to it, and maybe get her job back along the way!  To help the Matchmaker, players must enter the new map, mvm_incinc. This map takes place at the factory, and is just like any other MvM map: hordes of annoying (sex) robots that instagib by looking at you funny. Players must defend the door to the human world. (The bomb hatch.) However, this map also comes with loads of fun gimmicks! This map is HUGE. Bigger than Bigrock, even! As such, there needs to be a special method of travel: DOORS! The factory’s loaded with special doors that act as automatic teleporters, as seen in Scooby Doo chase scenes. These doors turn on and off depending on how many (sex) robots are destroyed within a set radius. (Sex) robots are capable of spawning from these doors if they make it far enough, preventing you from just locking down the main entrance.  If too many (sex) robots make it past, the doors activate, pushing the spawn point further up and giving you less room to work with. These spawns fortunately don’t carry over across waves, always resetting.
 

"I am about to revolutionize the sex industry. And when I do, even the great Miss Match is gonna be working for me!" -Lladnar

 
And of course, on the final wave an extra special (sex) robot will spawn in, piloted by Raingallows himself!  This will be the only (sex) robot of the wave, but it’ll be bigger and badder than any seen before. It’ll be immune to all debuffs and crowd control, so you better be quick with dishing out damage!  He’ll slowly walk down the path, unleashing several devastating attacks along the way, including but not limited to his shaft cannon and a big heaping batch of bombs! However, the most annoying aspect of this fight just might be Raingallows’ croney, as Lladnar will lurk the map invisible, much like a Spy, dealing massive damage to isolated targets that don’t notice in time.  Good luck taking down Raingallows without your DPS! If you manage to overcome this challenging opponent, you’ll be rewarded with a new stock melee reskin, The Dildon’t! (It’s exactly what it sounds like) Of course, along with this new map, there will be several new items for you to spruce up your characters, so allow us to go through those together!

We’d also receive quite a few exciting weapons and cosmetics in this update. Mostly a bunch of hearts and lewd stuff, but I’ll go ahead and describe a few just so we’re clear on what I mean.
An all new cosmetic item, The Succubuddy. This item will cause a miniature succubus to fly around, following your merc all around town.
Another new cosmetic item, The Blunderpants! Which allows you to run around in your undies, with four different styles! Classic, Hearts, The Dark Knight, and The Smile Bringer! (Scout’s will be piss stained, regardless of style.)
Another new cosmetic item, The Cardiovascular Bonnet, which allows the mercs to wear a dumb heart on their head.
Yet another new cosmetic item, The Buckaroo’s Bulge. Everything’s bigger in Texas.
And a new weapon reskin, The Heart Attack! Which is just a reskin of the Panic Attack, except it has hearts on it.

Well, that’s it for the update my friends!  But what’s this? It’s not quite over yet! As an AIDS Monkey first, this update shall feature an epilogue!  So here goes!
 
-----
 
Upon defeating Raingallows, the story continues, with the Matchmaker being rundown by her ex-boss, furious with her actions ruining his plans.  Try as she might, she couldn’t quite escape him, eventually being cornered. “It doesn’t have to be this way!” Pleaded the Matchmaker.
“I have no choice!  Times have changed! Consensual sex isn’t enough anymore!”  
“But violating children!?”  
“I’ll violate A THOUSAND children before I let this company die, and I’ll silence anyone who gets in my way!”Raingallows delivered a savage bitchslap to the Matchmaker, knocking her off her feet.  Just as all hope seemed lost, a siren wailed, the walls falling away to reveal the mercenaries, all watching with a smug look on their faces.  “Huhuhu, I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes! Let’s watch my favorite part again...shall we?” Scout pressed a button, replaying his favorite part.  “I’ll violate A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!” “I’ll violate A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!” And then help arrived!
 

I hope you're happy mercenaries, you've destroyed this company. Incubus Incorporated is dead. Where will everyone get their jollies now? The energy crisis will only get worse because of YOU! -Mr. Raingallows
 
As the FBI dragged Raingallows away, the Matchmaker, in an uncharacteristic act of gratitude, gave all the mercenaries a great big hug!  It was at this moment that the demon world discovered that hugs and affection were a far stronger power source than sex and souls, creating an industrial revolution for all of demon-kind!  Everybody cheered, happy at the development. With the newfound power, Scout decided to play his favorite part...one last time. “I’ll violate A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!”  “Huhuhu, you know what? That didn’t seem like such a bad idea to me!”
 
And now that is really the end of the Best Matchmaking Update!  Of course, with a name like the Best Matchmaking Update, you can expect some quality changes to the matchmaking system (removing it entirely!)  That’s it for now, but remember to tune in next year for a Valentine’s Update, where we’ll go way back and check out the Matchmaker’s college years in a prequel update that nobody really asked for!

Hey howdy ho, SPUFFriends! It’s Valentine’s Day today, and you know what that means!  Love is in the air! And do you know what I’d love? Some new content for TF2, that’s what! And as the old saying goes, “If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself!” Lucky for me and the rest of humanity, I am by myself on this lonesome Valentine’s Day! So today, I shall bring all you good folks a brand spankin’ new TF2 update idea!
 
Today’s update is a sequel update to last year’s Valentine’s Update, “The Better Matchmaking Update.” The only way to follow up an update like that, of course, is with “The Best Matchmaking Update!”. So that’s the update that I propose for today! We live in a world where uninspired sequels reign supreme, so I hope you’ll all enjoy MY uninspired sequel! So sit back, relax, and enjoy this lengthy backstory!
 
-----

 
 
-----
 
(tl:dr version: A drunk succubus shows up at the mercenaries' house after getting fired from her job.)
 
Yikes, the Matchmaker’s back in town?  That sure spells danger for the mercs. Luckily, it seems she’s out of a job and totally a non-threat this time around.  Unluckily though, it seems there’s a much bigger threat this time! You see, Lladnar and Mr. Raingallows had been secretly plotting some contingency plans to fight the energy crisis that is facing Hell! Typically, Incubus Inc. takes great pride in the fact that they only take souls from consensual encounters, however, Mr. Raingallows and Lladnar have developed a plan that goes against their code of honor… namely a gigantic sexbot army that will forcefully drain the souls from unwilling victims, including children! The Matchmaker needs the mercs’ help to put a stop to it, and maybe get her job back along the way!  To help the Matchmaker, players must enter the new map, mvm_incinc. This map takes place at the factory, and is just like any other MvM map: hordes of annoying (sex) robots that instagib by looking at you funny. Players must defend the door to the human world. (The bomb hatch.) However, this map also comes with loads of fun gimmicks! This map is HUGE. Bigger than Bigrock, even! As such, there needs to be a special method of travel: DOORS! The factory’s loaded with special doors that act as automatic teleporters, as seen in Scooby Doo chase scenes. These doors turn on and off depending on how many (sex) robots are destroyed within a set radius. (Sex) robots are capable of spawning from these doors if they make it far enough, preventing you from just locking down the main entrance.  If too many (sex) robots make it past, the doors activate, pushing the spawn point further up and giving you less room to work with. These spawns fortunately don’t carry over across waves, always resetting.
 

"I am about to revolutionize the sex industry. And when I do, even the great Miss Match is gonna be working for me!" -Lladnar

 
And of course, on the final wave an extra special (sex) robot will spawn in, piloted by Raingallows himself!  This will be the only (sex) robot of the wave, but it’ll be bigger and badder than any seen before. It’ll be immune to all debuffs and crowd control, so you better be quick with dishing out damage!  He’ll slowly walk down the path, unleashing several devastating attacks along the way, including but not limited to his shaft cannon and a big heaping batch of bombs! However, the most annoying aspect of this fight just might be Raingallows’ croney, as Lladnar will lurk the map invisible, much like a Spy, dealing massive damage to isolated targets that don’t notice in time.  Good luck taking down Raingallows without your DPS! If you manage to overcome this challenging opponent, you’ll be rewarded with a new stock melee reskin, The Dildon’t! (It’s exactly what it sounds like) Of course, along with this new map, there will be several new items for you to spruce up your characters, so allow us to go through those together!

We’d also receive quite a few exciting weapons and cosmetics in this update. Mostly a bunch of hearts and lewd stuff, but I’ll go ahead and describe a few just so we’re clear on what I mean.
An all new cosmetic item, The Succubuddy. This item will cause a miniature succubus to fly around, following your merc all around town.
Another new cosmetic item, The Blunderpants! Which allows you to run around in your undies, with four different styles! Classic, Hearts, The Dark Knight, and The Smile Bringer! (Scout’s will be piss stained, regardless of style.)
Another new cosmetic item, The Cardiovascular Bonnet, which allows the mercs to wear a dumb heart on their head.
Yet another new cosmetic item, The Buckaroo’s Bulge. Everything’s bigger in Texas.
And a new weapon reskin, The Heart Attack! Which is just a reskin of the Panic Attack, except it has hearts on it.

Well, that’s it for the update my friends!  But what’s this? It’s not quite over yet! As an AIDS Monkey first, this update shall feature an epilogue!  So here goes!
 
-----
 
Upon defeating Raingallows, the story continues, with the Matchmaker being rundown by her ex-boss, furious with her actions ruining his plans.  Try as she might, she couldn’t quite escape him, eventually being cornered. “It doesn’t have to be this way!” Pleaded the Matchmaker.
“I have no choice!  Times have changed! Consensual sex isn’t enough anymore!”  
“But violating children!?”  
“I’ll violate A THOUSAND children before I let this company die, and I’ll silence anyone who gets in my way!”Raingallows delivered a savage bitchslap to the Matchmaker, knocking her off her feet.  Just as all hope seemed lost, a siren wailed, the walls falling away to reveal the mercenaries, all watching with a smug look on their faces.  “Huhuhu, I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes! Let’s watch my favorite part again...shall we?” Scout pressed a button, replaying his favorite part.  “I’ll violate A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!” “I’ll violate A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!” And then help arrived!
 

I hope you're happy mercenaries, you've destroyed this company. Incubus Incorporated is dead. Where will everyone get their jollies now? The energy crisis will only get worse because of YOU! -Mr. Raingallows
 
As the FBI dragged Raingallows away, the Matchmaker, in an uncharacteristic act of gratitude, gave all the mercenaries a great big hug!  It was at this moment that the demon world discovered that hugs and affection were a far stronger power source than sex and souls, creating an industrial revolution for all of demon-kind!  Everybody cheered, happy at the development. With the newfound power, Scout decided to play his favorite part...one last time. “I’ll violate A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!”  “Huhuhu, you know what? That didn’t seem like such a bad idea to me!”
 
And now that is really the end of the Best Matchmaking Update!  Of course, with a name like the Best Matchmaking Update, you can expect some quality changes to the matchmaking system (removing it entirely!)  That’s it for now, but remember to tune in next year for a Valentine’s Update, where we’ll go way back and check out the Matchmaker’s college years in a prequel update that nobody really asked for!

Hey howdy ho, SPUFFriends! It’s Valentine’s Day today, and you know what that means!  Love is in the air! And do you know what I’d love? Some new content for TF2, that’s what! And as the old saying goes, “If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself!” Lucky for me and the rest of humanity, I am by myself on this lonesome Valentine’s Day! So today, I shall bring all you good folks a brand spankin’ new TF2 update idea!
 
Today’s update is a sequel update to last year’s Valentine’s Update, “The Better Matchmaking Update.” The only way to follow up an update like that, of course, is with “The Best Matchmaking Update!”. So that’s the update that I propose for today! We live in a world where uninspired sequels reign supreme, so I hope you’ll all enjoy MY uninspired sequel! So sit back, relax, and enjoy this lengthy backstory!
 
-----

 
 
-----
 
(tl:dr version: A drunk succubus shows up at the mercenaries' house after getting fired from her job.)
 
Yikes, the Matchmaker’s back in town?  That sure spells danger for the mercs. Luckily, it seems she’s out of a job and totally a non-threat this time around.  Unluckily though, it seems there’s a much bigger threat this time! You see, Lladnar and Mr. Raingallows had been secretly plotting some contingency plans to fight the energy crisis that is facing Hell! Typically, Incubus Inc. takes great pride in the fact that they only take souls from consensual encounters, however, Mr. Raingallows and Lladnar have developed a plan that goes against their code of honor… namely a gigantic sexbot army that will forcefully drain the souls from unwilling victims, including children! The Matchmaker needs the mercs’ help to put a stop to it, and maybe get her job back along the way!  To help the Matchmaker, players must enter the new map, mvm_incinc. This map takes place at the factory, and is just like any other MvM map: hordes of annoying (sex) robots that instagib by looking at you funny. Players must defend the door to the human world. (The bomb hatch.) However, this map also comes with loads of fun gimmicks! This map is HUGE. Bigger than Bigrock, even! As such, there needs to be a special method of travel: DOORS! The factory’s loaded with special doors that act as automatic teleporters, as seen in Scooby Doo chase scenes. These doors turn on and off depending on how many (sex) robots are destroyed within a set radius. (Sex) robots are capable of spawning from these doors if they make it far enough, preventing you from just locking down the main entrance.  If too many (sex) robots make it past, the doors activate, pushing the spawn point further up and giving you less room to work with. These spawns fortunately don’t carry over across waves, always resetting.
 

"I am about to revolutionize the sex industry. And when I do, even the great Miss Match is gonna be working for me!" -Lladnar

 
And of course, on the final wave an extra special (sex) robot will spawn in, piloted by Raingallows himself!  This will be the only (sex) robot of the wave, but it’ll be bigger and badder than any seen before. It’ll be immune to all debuffs and crowd control, so you better be quick with dishing out damage!  He’ll slowly walk down the path, unleashing several devastating attacks along the way, including but not limited to his shaft cannon and a big heaping batch of bombs! However, the most annoying aspect of this fight just might be Raingallows’ croney, as Lladnar will lurk the map invisible, much like a Spy, dealing massive damage to isolated targets that don’t notice in time.  Good luck taking down Raingallows without your DPS! If you manage to overcome this challenging opponent, you’ll be rewarded with a new stock melee reskin, The Dildon’t! (It’s exactly what it sounds like) Of course, along with this new map, there will be several new items for you to spruce up your characters, so allow us to go through those together!

We’d also receive quite a few exciting weapons and cosmetics in this update. Mostly a bunch of hearts and lewd stuff, but I’ll go ahead and describe a few just so we’re clear on what I mean.
An all new cosmetic item, The Succubuddy. This item will cause a miniature succubus to fly around, following your merc all around town.
Another new cosmetic item, The Blunderpants! Which allows you to run around in your undies, with four different styles! Classic, Hearts, The Dark Knight, and The Smile Bringer! (Scout’s will be piss stained, regardless of style.)
Another new cosmetic item, The Cardiovascular Bonnet, which allows the mercs to wear a dumb heart on their head.
Yet another new cosmetic item, The Buckaroo’s Bulge. Everything’s bigger in Texas.
And a new weapon reskin, The Heart Attack! Which is just a reskin of the Panic Attack, except it has hearts on it.

Well, that’s it for the update my friends!  But what’s this? It’s not quite over yet! As an AIDS Monkey first, this update shall feature an epilogue!  So here goes!
 
-----
 
Upon defeating Raingallows, the story continues, with the Matchmaker being rundown by her ex-boss, furious with her actions ruining his plans.  Try as she might, she couldn’t quite escape him, eventually being cornered. “It doesn’t have to be this way!” Pleaded the Matchmaker.
“I have no choice!  Times have changed! Consensual sex isn’t enough anymore!”  
“But violating children!?”  
“I’ll violate A THOUSAND children before I let this company die, and I’ll silence anyone who gets in my way!”Raingallows delivered a savage bitchslap to the Matchmaker, knocking her off her feet.  Just as all hope seemed lost, a siren wailed, the walls falling away to reveal the mercenaries, all watching with a smug look on their faces.  “Huhuhu, I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes! Let’s watch my favorite part again...shall we?” Scout pressed a button, replaying his favorite part.  “I’ll violate A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!” “I’ll violate A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!” And then help arrived!
 

I hope you're happy mercenaries, you've destroyed this company. Incubus Incorporated is dead. Where will everyone get their jollies now? The energy crisis will only get worse because of YOU! -Mr. Raingallows
 
As the FBI dragged Raingallows away, the Matchmaker, in an uncharacteristic act of gratitude, gave all the mercenaries a great big hug!  It was at this moment that the demon world discovered that hugs and affection were a far stronger power source than sex and souls, creating an industrial revolution for all of demon-kind!  Everybody cheered, happy at the development. With the newfound power, Scout decided to play his favorite part...one last time. “I’ll violate A THOUSAND children before I let this company die!”  “Huhuhu, you know what? That didn’t seem like such a bad idea to me!”
 
And now that is really the end of the Best Matchmaking Update!  Of course, with a name like the Best Matchmaking Update, you can expect some quality changes to the matchmaking system (removing it entirely!)  That’s it for now, but remember to tune in next year for a Valentine’s Update, where we’ll go way back and check out the Matchmaker’s college years in a prequel update that nobody really asked for!

Pretty sure I read about this in the Bible.

Don't forget that the map's gotta be huge and unoptimized because of all the shit in it so it's gotta run like shit too, especially so the day its released... which is weeks away from the next patch because everyone at Valve is on vacation. Merry Smissmas!

Render of Lord Valor, an old, old character who predates even the modern concept of MARCH:

 
Old drawing (dated late 2015), for reference:

 
How far I've come since those days! Hah!
 
EDIT: Hooray for 4th page!

That poem alone has more effort than everything Valve did for yesterday's update.

That sounds pretty accurate. But you seem to be forgetting the achievement where you must kill Robin Good with the Huntsman only a few seconds after dying to one of his arrows.

Can't wait for the 2 achievements that are "reflect an elf arrow into the enemy carrying the intelligence" and "win the map 146 times".

The backstory reminds me of this.

Hello SPUFFriends! I hate to be captain obvious, but it's the holiday season! But unfortunately for you, I don’t give a shit about what holiday your family is celebrating this year! All I care about is the holiday our friends in TF2 are celebrating… SMISSMAS! In honor of the Smissmas holiday, I, LordAIDS Monkey, will be posting Smissmas themed TF2 stuff all throughout the month of December, in a truly magical event that I like to call… THE 12 POSTS OF SMISSMAS!
 
You see, for 12 days this month, I will be posting a Smissmas themed TF2 Update or some other bit of TF2 content to celebrate this wonderful holiday! All posts will be made in this exact same thread, so expect to see my ugly face bumping this thread all throughout the month! I can tell you’re excited, but don’t be! For you see, I am simply doing this as an excuse to shit out the old Smissmas TF2 Updates that I had posted back on OldSPUF. But know this, my friends! I’ve got just a few original Smissmas Thingies that I’d like to share with you, along with those rehashes… up until Day 12 where I plan to bring you good people of SPUF an exciting and brand spankin’ new Smissmas Update! (Hopefully the last day of this event lands before Valve does their actual Smissmas Update, which is sure to bring disappointment)
 
So please wait patiently by the warmth of your fireplace as I prepare all sorts of Smissmas Goodies for ya’ll.
 

 
(Disclaimer: I can’t guarantee that all these posts will be given out each day. I may skip a few ‘cause I get sidetracked with other stuff, but I’ll be sure that all 12 days are done before the 25th hits!)
 
-----------------------------------------------
 
~ On the twelfth day of Smissmas, Lord Monkey gave to me...! ~
Twelve Hellish Goodies!
 
    Merry Smissmas to all of you, my festive SPUFFriends! I’ve got some good news and some bad news for all of you today… Starting with the bad news, today is the final day of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! It is, of course, very sad to see this event come to an end. The good news, however, is that today is the final day of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! Hooray! No more do you have to see this unwanted thread get constantly bumped, which means this forum can return back to a state of peace! For Day 12, I bring to you THE FINAL TF2 UPDATE IDEA OF 2018! What could today’s update possibly be about, hmm? Well, if you read Day 11 (which you probably didn’t), you would already know the answer to that!
  As we all know, on Day 11 I posted a very ‘exciting’ poem, titled The Nightmare Before Smissmas. In it, the Smissmas Dinosaur didn’t arrive for his Smissmas Present delivery. Quite strange, indeed. But even more odd is that SOMEONE did appear, a skeletal menace flying high in the sky in the Smissmas Dinosaur’s sleigh! But just who was it? Well, I’m about to explain everything, in today’s update context. Before the update con-tent comes the con-text, afterall. And today’s context is quite lengthy, as it should be!
   
-----
 
     For those of you who didn’t pay attention during Day 7, the Smissmas Dinosaur had a wicked-nasty childhood bully from his childhood, over 65 million years ago. Up until now, we thought he had taken off into space on the great-big-dino-rocket-ship, but what if I told you… Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur never went anywhere? This is probably the most shocking plot twist of 2018, but it’ll make sense after a quick explanation… See, shortly after the dinosaur spaceship took off, it suffered a major malfunction! The brilliant dinosaur engineers who built it made sure to account for the weight of EVERY single dinosaur in the world. But as we all know, Clancy the Smissmas Dinosaur missed the flight, no thanks to Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur pushing him out. As a result of the missing weight, the spaceship’s calculations were thrown WAY OFF! So off, in fact, that the ship suffered a critical engine failure, causing it to plummet back into the Earth, killing every single dinosaur on board. (The very few nice dinosaurs went to Dinosaur Heaven, so don’t worry!) But… the NAUGHTY dinosaurs were all sent straight into the fires of Hell, where they belong. One of these dinosaurs was Jack Ass the Bully Dino.
    As a punishment for harassing the Smissmas Dinosaur, Jack Ass was forced to watch how successful and popular the Smissmas Dinosaur was going to become, through a magical future-seeing television! He hated every minute of it! (He also had to deal with the usual stuff, like getting beaten by cute succubus-girls, but he liked that part.) He always thought to himself, “Why’s that loser so much more successful than me? He thinks he’s so cool with his Smissmas nonsense! If I were still alive, I could do a way better job than he could! I’m just so much better than him, HEHUEHEE!”.
    Jack Ass’s envy of the Smissmas Dinosaur’s popularity grew and grew, and eventually he had finally had enough! He had decided he was going to break out of Hell, and return back to the world of the living to sabotage Smissmas, ruining the Smissmas Dinosaur’s life for good all for the sake of feeling better about his own shitty life. (Which, admittedly, was shit. Except for the part with the succubus-girls.) And so, he formed a pact with some of the other denizens of Hell and began to form an escape plan 65 million years in the making…
    I would explain what their plan is, but it is so brilliant that I wouldn’t be doing it any justice by typing it out. But I will tell you this: the plan worked without a hitch! So now it would seem that Jack and his demon friends have escaped Hell, and they immediately begin to look for the Smissmas Dinosaur!
    Meanwhile, the Smissmas Dinosaur was in his workshop, preparing for his Smissmas Eve flight. Things were looking really great for him! Everybody in the world, including you, made his Nice List this year! Which means that the entire world was counting on him to deliver them presents! But the Smissmas Dinosaur did not worry about such a big delivery, because after all, he’s the best!
 
    “At long last, things turned out as they should
    Everyone in the world’s gone and been good!
    This is definitely a surprise, I’d never expect it,
    But I’ve gifts to deliver, and I’m gonna commit!
    Now I’ll take off in my big Smissmas sleigh,
    So the world can have presents before Smissmas Day!”
 
    As the Smissmas Dinosaur finished talking to himself, he noticed a strange disturbance. All of a sudden, a very large and very scary SKELETON T-REX JUMPED OUT FROM THE SHADOWS and began to speak in a very ghoulish voice, that somehow seemed familiar to the Smissmas Dinosaur.
    “Hehuehee! You aren’t going anywhere Clancy! Not now, not ever! A shrimp like you doesn’t deserve to be successful! Success belongs to only the coolest people. And I’m at the top of that list! So step away from the sleigh, you dork! It’s mine now! I’m going to give the children of the world a Smissmas they won’t soon forget! HEHUEHEE!”
    The Smissmas Dinosaur was confused at first, but quickly came to the conclusion that THIS was his child-hood bully! 65 million years ago, he would have been scared and back down. But back then, he was still Clancy! But now he’s the SMISSMAS DINOSAUR! And he knew he was totally capable of whooping some skeleton dino-douche bag’s ass.
 
    “Now listen here, that’s a crock of shit!
    Smissmas is mine, and you can’t have it!
    Back in the past, you’d win in a fight.
    With your superior strength and much taller height,
    But now I can easily stand up to your menacing leer!
    For these days I’m imbued with the Smissmas cheer,
    So go on, bag of bones, just do your worst
    No how hard you try, I’ll still come in first!”
 
Jack ignored the Smissmas Dinosaur’s threat, and attacked him right away. But as promised, the Smissmas Dinosaur gave him a thorough ass-kicking!
    Jack knew he had been beaten, and could not accept a loss to a big doofus such as the Smissmas Dinosaur. But Jack had a backup plan. “Get ‘im, boys!” he exclaimed! At that moment, several demon dinosaurs from Hell leaped out and attacked the Smissmas Dinosaur! The Smissmas Dinosaur was no match for a demon army, and was swiftly taken down. He was then tied up, and Jack began to boast like the annoying son-of-a-bitch he was.
    “HEHUEHEE! How the mighty have fallen, ya’ big nerd! Now I can show the world a REAL Smissmas celebration, thus cementing myself as the greatest dinosaur to ever live! EVER! But Clancy, don’t think ill of my plan… for I’ll do the best job that I can! Hehuehee! Ya’ heard that? I just rhymed! I’m already better than you! But I’m just getting started… This year, Smissmas will be MINE!”
    With that, Jack took off in the Smissmas Dinosaur’s Smissmas sleigh, leaving behind the Smissmas Dinosaur and the demon dinos from Hell. The Smissmas Dinosaur pleaded to be let go, but to no avail! And this, my friends, is where the real context ends!
 
-----
 
     Wait just a gosh-darn minute… The Smissmas Dinosaur’s childhood bully is back from Hell to sabotage the Smissmas Dinosaur’s good name as one final “fuck you”? That just isn’t cool! As the new Smissmas Dinosaur, Jack has many plans in store for Smissmas this year in order to make it the “BEST SMISSMAS EVER!” These include…
 
    -A change to the Naughty and Nice List. It is now the Cool Kids and Doofus List.
    -Gifts are not delivered in the traditional sense. Instead, all gifts are delivered in shipping crates that require a key to open.
    -Only the Cool Kids will receive goodies during his Smissmas flight! People on the Doofus List will only receive Smissmas beatings.
    -All traditional Smissmas decorations will be replaced with demonic decor from Hell, as part of the deal he with his demon dino friends.
    -Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur is to be referred to as Jack Skellingsaurus, as to make himself much more popular in pop-culture!
    -When all is said and done, Jack plans to steal the Smissmas Dinosaur’s flesh, thus allowing him to become a living dinosaur once again!
 
    That doesn’t sound to me like the best Smissmas ever! In fact, it sounds like the worst! Of course, the mercs catch on to all these evil Smissmas shenanigans real quick, and are more than ready to put an end to Jack Skellingsaurus’s misdeeds! This is where the actual update begins. Finally.
 
    The new game-mode would, of course, pit the mercenaries against Jack Skellingsaurus and his army of satan-dinos. RED team would be reskinned to take the role of the evil dinosaurs, while BLU team would still be the good ol’ mercenaries we all know and love. It shall be called “The Nightmare Before Smissmas”, or TNBS. The objective for this gamemode is for the BLU team to blow up Jack Skellingsaurus, who is flying high above the map, (tnbs_smissmastown), in the Smissmas sleigh! But as we all know, the Smissmas Dinosaur’s sleigh is completely invulnerable to standard weaponry! So how can the mercs blow it up? By launching the mother of all missiles at it, of course!
    Like all new Valve-gamemodes, this one is convoluted as fuck to the point of being unplayable. It is the task of BLU team to collect the missile launch codes. The launch codes cannot be found normally, and can only be found by capturing control points, (aka, the houses that have been visited by Jack Skellingsaurus). When a house is captured, the house is covered in all sorts of spooky Smissmas decorations from Hell, like spiderwebs, snakes, and menacing cactuses! But as soon as BLU captures the house, Jack Skellingsaurus’s evil Smissmas renovations are removed, and the home-owners will reward you with their missile launch codes as thanks.
    The missile launch codes can then be grabbed and carried, just like the Intelligence Briefcase! However, if you get killed while holding the launch codes, the code disappears and immediately returns back to the house from whence it came. This also returns the point back to RED’s posession, meaning BLU has to recap if they want the launch codes again!
    When the launch code is picked up, it is the duty of BLU team to bring it to the central missile, which is located in the back of the map behind a really bad choke-point that gives RED a very clear advantage. In order to launch the central missile, BLU team must bring a total of three launch codes to the missile!
    Once the missile receives all three launch codes, it must be adjusted in order to assure that it will be able to hit Jack. Afterall, it only has one shot and you gotta make it count! At this point, the missile must be pushed, similar to a payload cart up. The path is all uphill, (the cart roll back!) and continues in a straight line upward for a pretty good while! Once the missile launcher thing reaches the top of the hill, BLU team must capture it like how you capture the rocket in Special Delivery! Shit, I told you that it was gonna be complicated. But even I’m confused by what I just typed out. Lemme recap the gameplay real quick to try to make sense of it.
 
   -BLU must capture the houses, ala control points.
    -Once points are capped, intelligence spawns on point.
    -Intel must be brought to the missile three times.
    -After third cap, missile must be pushed by BLU like a payload.
    -Once payload reaches destination, you must launch the rocket, like in Special Delivery.
    -Also, there’s no timer so the round never ends. EVER!
 
    Makes sense, right? And I haven’t even gotten into the best part yet! Scattered throughout the map would be very dangerous hazards. As a result of Jack and his demon dino friends escaping Hell, all Hell has broken loose, literally! This means there would be dozens of hazards to look out for, including the aforementioned snakes and cactuses, along with scary bats, scorpions, and plant monsters that’ll gobble up anything in sight!
    But there is one hazard more dangerous than any mentioned thus far, and that is… JACK SKELLINGSAURUS HIMSELF! You see, after the sleigh is blown up by BLU team, it crashes down, causing him to break into a rampage. As a result of his blind rage, he will attack both RED and BLU team in a very exciting boss battle finale!
 

    “Season’s beatings, everyone! Hehuehee!” -Jack Skellingsaurus
 
    Jack Skellingsaurus would have many dangerous attacks up his skeleton sleeves, including the ability to punch you with his tiny T-Rex arms, biting you with his big jaw, and throwing Hell bombs, which are like a regular bomb, but much more devastating! Whichever team delivers the final blow wins the round. Sounds fair to me! The winning team wins a cool hat, based off Jack’s haunted Smissmas hat.
    Also worth noting: there’d be an achievement for winning on this map 12 times! Which sounds pretty easy to do. But it isn’t because this map is shit and the round never ends. Lucky for us, Valve will be sure to waste any and all development time on this trainwreck gamemode instead of bringing us anything new! Maybe one day it’ll actually be enjoyable? Probably not. I mean, Mannpower’s still shit.
    And of course, this update would come jam-packed with all sorts of new cosmetic items and weapons, which would all be locked behind the newest crate. An example of a new cosmetic item would be an item set for Spy that turns him into a Jack-in-the-Box. A new weapon for this set could be some stretchy arms for spy, which basically turn him into a character from ARMS, allowing him to backstab you from across the map. There’d be plenty more weapons and such in this update. But again, they’d all be locked in these crates, meaning you’ll probably never get the ones you want unless you get involved with the trading community. But nobody wants to do that!
    Hey Valve! Wanna know the BEST part about this update? It basically encompasses both Halloween and Christmas, meaning that it could serve as BOTH a Scream Fortress and a Smissmas event in the same year, making less work for you! And we all know how much you like to avoid hard work, instead opting to deliver the bear minimum.
    Anyway, that about sums up the final post of THE 12 POSTS OF SMISSMAS! I hope you’re all glad. I know I am. I was gonna make today's post longer, but I ran out of time. Plus, it's already too long anyway. Plus, plus I’m tired. I’m gonna go to sleep now. Goodbye SPUFFriends, and Merry Smissmas! (Or whatever holiday you celebrate!)
    Now that the 12 Posts are done, it means that I will return to my regularly scheduled programming, where I hardly ever post. Which is probably for the best. Bye!
 
 
Eleven Poem Stanzas!
 
Ten UFOs!
 
Nine Dazzling Weapons!
 
Eight Stolen Presents!
 
Seven Smissmas Beatings!
 
Six Billion Dollars!
 
Five Brand New Taunts!
 
Four Gingerbread Homes!
 
Three Useless Effects!
 
Two Candy Canes!
 
And an Exciting Smissmas Story!
 
 
 

Don't worry, being late makes it just like a real TF2 update.

See, you jest, but that third hat effect would inevitably be worth like $4k

Hello SPUFFriends! I hate to be captain obvious, but it's the holiday season! But unfortunately for you, I don’t give a shit about what holiday your family is celebrating this year! All I care about is the holiday our friends in TF2 are celebrating… SMISSMAS! In honor of the Smissmas holiday, I, LordAIDS Monkey, will be posting Smissmas themed TF2 stuff all throughout the month of December, in a truly magical event that I like to call… THE 12 POSTS OF SMISSMAS!
 
You see, for 12 days this month, I will be posting a Smissmas themed TF2 Update or some other bit of TF2 content to celebrate this wonderful holiday! All posts will be made in this exact same thread, so expect to see my ugly face bumping this thread all throughout the month! I can tell you’re excited, but don’t be! For you see, I am simply doing this as an excuse to shit out the old Smissmas TF2 Updates that I had posted back on OldSPUF. But know this, my friends! I’ve got just a few original Smissmas Thingies that I’d like to share with you, along with those rehashes… up until Day 12 where I plan to bring you good people of SPUF an exciting and brand spankin’ new Smissmas Update! (Hopefully the last day of this event lands before Valve does their actual Smissmas Update, which is sure to bring disappointment)
 
So please wait patiently by the warmth of your fireplace as I prepare all sorts of Smissmas Goodies for ya’ll.
 

 
(Disclaimer: I can’t guarantee that all these posts will be given out each day. I may skip a few ‘cause I get sidetracked with other stuff, but I’ll be sure that all 12 days are done before the 25th hits!)
 
-----------------------------------------------
 
~ On the twelfth day of Smissmas, Lord Monkey gave to me...! ~
Twelve Hellish Goodies!
 
    Merry Smissmas to all of you, my festive SPUFFriends! I’ve got some good news and some bad news for all of you today… Starting with the bad news, today is the final day of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! It is, of course, very sad to see this event come to an end. The good news, however, is that today is the final day of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! Hooray! No more do you have to see this unwanted thread get constantly bumped, which means this forum can return back to a state of peace! For Day 12, I bring to you THE FINAL TF2 UPDATE IDEA OF 2018! What could today’s update possibly be about, hmm? Well, if you read Day 11 (which you probably didn’t), you would already know the answer to that!
  As we all know, on Day 11 I posted a very ‘exciting’ poem, titled The Nightmare Before Smissmas. In it, the Smissmas Dinosaur didn’t arrive for his Smissmas Present delivery. Quite strange, indeed. But even more odd is that SOMEONE did appear, a skeletal menace flying high in the sky in the Smissmas Dinosaur’s sleigh! But just who was it? Well, I’m about to explain everything, in today’s update context. Before the update con-tent comes the con-text, afterall. And today’s context is quite lengthy, as it should be!
   
-----
 
     For those of you who didn’t pay attention during Day 7, the Smissmas Dinosaur had a wicked-nasty childhood bully from his childhood, over 65 million years ago. Up until now, we thought he had taken off into space on the great-big-dino-rocket-ship, but what if I told you… Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur never went anywhere? This is probably the most shocking plot twist of 2018, but it’ll make sense after a quick explanation… See, shortly after the dinosaur spaceship took off, it suffered a major malfunction! The brilliant dinosaur engineers who built it made sure to account for the weight of EVERY single dinosaur in the world. But as we all know, Clancy the Smissmas Dinosaur missed the flight, no thanks to Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur pushing him out. As a result of the missing weight, the spaceship’s calculations were thrown WAY OFF! So off, in fact, that the ship suffered a critical engine failure, causing it to plummet back into the Earth, killing every single dinosaur on board. (The very few nice dinosaurs went to Dinosaur Heaven, so don’t worry!) But… the NAUGHTY dinosaurs were all sent straight into the fires of Hell, where they belong. One of these dinosaurs was Jack Ass the Bully Dino.
    As a punishment for harassing the Smissmas Dinosaur, Jack Ass was forced to watch how successful and popular the Smissmas Dinosaur was going to become, through a magical future-seeing television! He hated every minute of it! (He also had to deal with the usual stuff, like getting beaten by cute succubus-girls, but he liked that part.) He always thought to himself, “Why’s that loser so much more successful than me? He thinks he’s so cool with his Smissmas nonsense! If I were still alive, I could do a way better job than he could! I’m just so much better than him, HEHUEHEE!”.
    Jack Ass’s envy of the Smissmas Dinosaur’s popularity grew and grew, and eventually he had finally had enough! He had decided he was going to break out of Hell, and return back to the world of the living to sabotage Smissmas, ruining the Smissmas Dinosaur’s life for good all for the sake of feeling better about his own shitty life. (Which, admittedly, was shit. Except for the part with the succubus-girls.) And so, he formed a pact with some of the other denizens of Hell and began to form an escape plan 65 million years in the making…
    I would explain what their plan is, but it is so brilliant that I wouldn’t be doing it any justice by typing it out. But I will tell you this: the plan worked without a hitch! So now it would seem that Jack and his demon friends have escaped Hell, and they immediately begin to look for the Smissmas Dinosaur!
    Meanwhile, the Smissmas Dinosaur was in his workshop, preparing for his Smissmas Eve flight. Things were looking really great for him! Everybody in the world, including you, made his Nice List this year! Which means that the entire world was counting on him to deliver them presents! But the Smissmas Dinosaur did not worry about such a big delivery, because after all, he’s the best!
 
    “At long last, things turned out as they should
    Everyone in the world’s gone and been good!
    This is definitely a surprise, I’d never expect it,
    But I’ve gifts to deliver, and I’m gonna commit!
    Now I’ll take off in my big Smissmas sleigh,
    So the world can have presents before Smissmas Day!”
 
    As the Smissmas Dinosaur finished talking to himself, he noticed a strange disturbance. All of a sudden, a very large and very scary SKELETON T-REX JUMPED OUT FROM THE SHADOWS and began to speak in a very ghoulish voice, that somehow seemed familiar to the Smissmas Dinosaur.
    “Hehuehee! You aren’t going anywhere Clancy! Not now, not ever! A shrimp like you doesn’t deserve to be successful! Success belongs to only the coolest people. And I’m at the top of that list! So step away from the sleigh, you dork! It’s mine now! I’m going to give the children of the world a Smissmas they won’t soon forget! HEHUEHEE!”
    The Smissmas Dinosaur was confused at first, but quickly came to the conclusion that THIS was his child-hood bully! 65 million years ago, he would have been scared and back down. But back then, he was still Clancy! But now he’s the SMISSMAS DINOSAUR! And he knew he was totally capable of whooping some skeleton dino-douche bag’s ass.
 
    “Now listen here, that’s a crock of shit!
    Smissmas is mine, and you can’t have it!
    Back in the past, you’d win in a fight.
    With your superior strength and much taller height,
    But now I can easily stand up to your menacing leer!
    For these days I’m imbued with the Smissmas cheer,
    So go on, bag of bones, just do your worst
    No how hard you try, I’ll still come in first!”
 
Jack ignored the Smissmas Dinosaur’s threat, and attacked him right away. But as promised, the Smissmas Dinosaur gave him a thorough ass-kicking!
    Jack knew he had been beaten, and could not accept a loss to a big doofus such as the Smissmas Dinosaur. But Jack had a backup plan. “Get ‘im, boys!” he exclaimed! At that moment, several demon dinosaurs from Hell leaped out and attacked the Smissmas Dinosaur! The Smissmas Dinosaur was no match for a demon army, and was swiftly taken down. He was then tied up, and Jack began to boast like the annoying son-of-a-bitch he was.
    “HEHUEHEE! How the mighty have fallen, ya’ big nerd! Now I can show the world a REAL Smissmas celebration, thus cementing myself as the greatest dinosaur to ever live! EVER! But Clancy, don’t think ill of my plan… for I’ll do the best job that I can! Hehuehee! Ya’ heard that? I just rhymed! I’m already better than you! But I’m just getting started… This year, Smissmas will be MINE!”
    With that, Jack took off in the Smissmas Dinosaur’s Smissmas sleigh, leaving behind the Smissmas Dinosaur and the demon dinos from Hell. The Smissmas Dinosaur pleaded to be let go, but to no avail! And this, my friends, is where the real context ends!
 
-----
 
     Wait just a gosh-darn minute… The Smissmas Dinosaur’s childhood bully is back from Hell to sabotage the Smissmas Dinosaur’s good name as one final “fuck you”? That just isn’t cool! As the new Smissmas Dinosaur, Jack has many plans in store for Smissmas this year in order to make it the “BEST SMISSMAS EVER!” These include…
 
    -A change to the Naughty and Nice List. It is now the Cool Kids and Doofus List.
    -Gifts are not delivered in the traditional sense. Instead, all gifts are delivered in shipping crates that require a key to open.
    -Only the Cool Kids will receive goodies during his Smissmas flight! People on the Doofus List will only receive Smissmas beatings.
    -All traditional Smissmas decorations will be replaced with demonic decor from Hell, as part of the deal he with his demon dino friends.
    -Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur is to be referred to as Jack Skellingsaurus, as to make himself much more popular in pop-culture!
    -When all is said and done, Jack plans to steal the Smissmas Dinosaur’s flesh, thus allowing him to become a living dinosaur once again!
 
    That doesn’t sound to me like the best Smissmas ever! In fact, it sounds like the worst! Of course, the mercs catch on to all these evil Smissmas shenanigans real quick, and are more than ready to put an end to Jack Skellingsaurus’s misdeeds! This is where the actual update begins. Finally.
 
    The new game-mode would, of course, pit the mercenaries against Jack Skellingsaurus and his army of satan-dinos. RED team would be reskinned to take the role of the evil dinosaurs, while BLU team would still be the good ol’ mercenaries we all know and love. It shall be called “The Nightmare Before Smissmas”, or TNBS. The objective for this gamemode is for the BLU team to blow up Jack Skellingsaurus, who is flying high above the map, (tnbs_smissmastown), in the Smissmas sleigh! But as we all know, the Smissmas Dinosaur’s sleigh is completely invulnerable to standard weaponry! So how can the mercs blow it up? By launching the mother of all missiles at it, of course!
    Like all new Valve-gamemodes, this one is convoluted as fuck to the point of being unplayable. It is the task of BLU team to collect the missile launch codes. The launch codes cannot be found normally, and can only be found by capturing control points, (aka, the houses that have been visited by Jack Skellingsaurus). When a house is captured, the house is covered in all sorts of spooky Smissmas decorations from Hell, like spiderwebs, snakes, and menacing cactuses! But as soon as BLU captures the house, Jack Skellingsaurus’s evil Smissmas renovations are removed, and the home-owners will reward you with their missile launch codes as thanks.
    The missile launch codes can then be grabbed and carried, just like the Intelligence Briefcase! However, if you get killed while holding the launch codes, the code disappears and immediately returns back to the house from whence it came. This also returns the point back to RED’s posession, meaning BLU has to recap if they want the launch codes again!
    When the launch code is picked up, it is the duty of BLU team to bring it to the central missile, which is located in the back of the map behind a really bad choke-point that gives RED a very clear advantage. In order to launch the central missile, BLU team must bring a total of three launch codes to the missile!
    Once the missile receives all three launch codes, it must be adjusted in order to assure that it will be able to hit Jack. Afterall, it only has one shot and you gotta make it count! At this point, the missile must be pushed, similar to a payload cart up. The path is all uphill, (the cart roll back!) and continues in a straight line upward for a pretty good while! Once the missile launcher thing reaches the top of the hill, BLU team must capture it like how you capture the rocket in Special Delivery! Shit, I told you that it was gonna be complicated. But even I’m confused by what I just typed out. Lemme recap the gameplay real quick to try to make sense of it.
 
   -BLU must capture the houses, ala control points.
    -Once points are capped, intelligence spawns on point.
    -Intel must be brought to the missile three times.
    -After third cap, missile must be pushed by BLU like a payload.
    -Once payload reaches destination, you must launch the rocket, like in Special Delivery.
    -Also, there’s no timer so the round never ends. EVER!
 
    Makes sense, right? And I haven’t even gotten into the best part yet! Scattered throughout the map would be very dangerous hazards. As a result of Jack and his demon dino friends escaping Hell, all Hell has broken loose, literally! This means there would be dozens of hazards to look out for, including the aforementioned snakes and cactuses, along with scary bats, scorpions, and plant monsters that’ll gobble up anything in sight!
    But there is one hazard more dangerous than any mentioned thus far, and that is… JACK SKELLINGSAURUS HIMSELF! You see, after the sleigh is blown up by BLU team, it crashes down, causing him to break into a rampage. As a result of his blind rage, he will attack both RED and BLU team in a very exciting boss battle finale!
 

    “Season’s beatings, everyone! Hehuehee!” -Jack Skellingsaurus
 
    Jack Skellingsaurus would have many dangerous attacks up his skeleton sleeves, including the ability to punch you with his tiny T-Rex arms, biting you with his big jaw, and throwing Hell bombs, which are like a regular bomb, but much more devastating! Whichever team delivers the final blow wins the round. Sounds fair to me! The winning team wins a cool hat, based off Jack’s haunted Smissmas hat.
    Also worth noting: there’d be an achievement for winning on this map 12 times! Which sounds pretty easy to do. But it isn’t because this map is shit and the round never ends. Lucky for us, Valve will be sure to waste any and all development time on this trainwreck gamemode instead of bringing us anything new! Maybe one day it’ll actually be enjoyable? Probably not. I mean, Mannpower’s still shit.
    And of course, this update would come jam-packed with all sorts of new cosmetic items and weapons, which would all be locked behind the newest crate. An example of a new cosmetic item would be an item set for Spy that turns him into a Jack-in-the-Box. A new weapon for this set could be some stretchy arms for spy, which basically turn him into a character from ARMS, allowing him to backstab you from across the map. There’d be plenty more weapons and such in this update. But again, they’d all be locked in these crates, meaning you’ll probably never get the ones you want unless you get involved with the trading community. But nobody wants to do that!
    Hey Valve! Wanna know the BEST part about this update? It basically encompasses both Halloween and Christmas, meaning that it could serve as BOTH a Scream Fortress and a Smissmas event in the same year, making less work for you! And we all know how much you like to avoid hard work, instead opting to deliver the bear minimum.
    Anyway, that about sums up the final post of THE 12 POSTS OF SMISSMAS! I hope you’re all glad. I know I am. I was gonna make today's post longer, but I ran out of time. Plus, it's already too long anyway. Plus, plus I’m tired. I’m gonna go to sleep now. Goodbye SPUFFriends, and Merry Smissmas! (Or whatever holiday you celebrate!)
    Now that the 12 Posts are done, it means that I will return to my regularly scheduled programming, where I hardly ever post. Which is probably for the best. Bye!
 
 
Eleven Poem Stanzas!
 
Ten UFOs!
 
Nine Dazzling Weapons!
 
Eight Stolen Presents!
 
Seven Smissmas Beatings!
 
Six Billion Dollars!
 
Five Brand New Taunts!
 
Four Gingerbread Homes!
 
Three Useless Effects!
 
Two Candy Canes!
 
And an Exciting Smissmas Story!
 
 
 

A Genuine Candy Cane... the best gift you could get.

Hello SPUFFriends! I hate to be captain obvious, but it's the holiday season! But unfortunately for you, I don’t give a shit about what holiday your family is celebrating this year! All I care about is the holiday our friends in TF2 are celebrating… SMISSMAS! In honor of the Smissmas holiday, I, LordAIDS Monkey, will be posting Smissmas themed TF2 stuff all throughout the month of December, in a truly magical event that I like to call… THE 12 POSTS OF SMISSMAS!
 
You see, for 12 days this month, I will be posting a Smissmas themed TF2 Update or some other bit of TF2 content to celebrate this wonderful holiday! All posts will be made in this exact same thread, so expect to see my ugly face bumping this thread all throughout the month! I can tell you’re excited, but don’t be! For you see, I am simply doing this as an excuse to shit out the old Smissmas TF2 Updates that I had posted back on OldSPUF. But know this, my friends! I’ve got just a few original Smissmas Thingies that I’d like to share with you, along with those rehashes… up until Day 12 where I plan to bring you good people of SPUF an exciting and brand spankin’ new Smissmas Update! (Hopefully the last day of this event lands before Valve does their actual Smissmas Update, which is sure to bring disappointment)
 
So please wait patiently by the warmth of your fireplace as I prepare all sorts of Smissmas Goodies for ya’ll.
 

 
(Disclaimer: I can’t guarantee that all these posts will be given out each day. I may skip a few ‘cause I get sidetracked with other stuff, but I’ll be sure that all 12 days are done before the 25th hits!)
 
-----------------------------------------------
 
~ On the twelfth day of Smissmas, Lord Monkey gave to me...! ~
Twelve Hellish Goodies!
 
    Merry Smissmas to all of you, my festive SPUFFriends! I’ve got some good news and some bad news for all of you today… Starting with the bad news, today is the final day of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! It is, of course, very sad to see this event come to an end. The good news, however, is that today is the final day of the 12 Posts of Smissmas! Hooray! No more do you have to see this unwanted thread get constantly bumped, which means this forum can return back to a state of peace! For Day 12, I bring to you THE FINAL TF2 UPDATE IDEA OF 2018! What could today’s update possibly be about, hmm? Well, if you read Day 11 (which you probably didn’t), you would already know the answer to that!
  As we all know, on Day 11 I posted a very ‘exciting’ poem, titled The Nightmare Before Smissmas. In it, the Smissmas Dinosaur didn’t arrive for his Smissmas Present delivery. Quite strange, indeed. But even more odd is that SOMEONE did appear, a skeletal menace flying high in the sky in the Smissmas Dinosaur’s sleigh! But just who was it? Well, I’m about to explain everything, in today’s update context. Before the update con-tent comes the con-text, afterall. And today’s context is quite lengthy, as it should be!
   
-----
 
     For those of you who didn’t pay attention during Day 7, the Smissmas Dinosaur had a wicked-nasty childhood bully from his childhood, over 65 million years ago. Up until now, we thought he had taken off into space on the great-big-dino-rocket-ship, but what if I told you… Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur never went anywhere? This is probably the most shocking plot twist of 2018, but it’ll make sense after a quick explanation… See, shortly after the dinosaur spaceship took off, it suffered a major malfunction! The brilliant dinosaur engineers who built it made sure to account for the weight of EVERY single dinosaur in the world. But as we all know, Clancy the Smissmas Dinosaur missed the flight, no thanks to Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur pushing him out. As a result of the missing weight, the spaceship’s calculations were thrown WAY OFF! So off, in fact, that the ship suffered a critical engine failure, causing it to plummet back into the Earth, killing every single dinosaur on board. (The very few nice dinosaurs went to Dinosaur Heaven, so don’t worry!) But… the NAUGHTY dinosaurs were all sent straight into the fires of Hell, where they belong. One of these dinosaurs was Jack Ass the Bully Dino.
    As a punishment for harassing the Smissmas Dinosaur, Jack Ass was forced to watch how successful and popular the Smissmas Dinosaur was going to become, through a magical future-seeing television! He hated every minute of it! (He also had to deal with the usual stuff, like getting beaten by cute succubus-girls, but he liked that part.) He always thought to himself, “Why’s that loser so much more successful than me? He thinks he’s so cool with his Smissmas nonsense! If I were still alive, I could do a way better job than he could! I’m just so much better than him, HEHUEHEE!”.
    Jack Ass’s envy of the Smissmas Dinosaur’s popularity grew and grew, and eventually he had finally had enough! He had decided he was going to break out of Hell, and return back to the world of the living to sabotage Smissmas, ruining the Smissmas Dinosaur’s life for good all for the sake of feeling better about his own shitty life. (Which, admittedly, was shit. Except for the part with the succubus-girls.) And so, he formed a pact with some of the other denizens of Hell and began to form an escape plan 65 million years in the making…
    I would explain what their plan is, but it is so brilliant that I wouldn’t be doing it any justice by typing it out. But I will tell you this: the plan worked without a hitch! So now it would seem that Jack and his demon friends have escaped Hell, and they immediately begin to look for the Smissmas Dinosaur!
    Meanwhile, the Smissmas Dinosaur was in his workshop, preparing for his Smissmas Eve flight. Things were looking really great for him! Everybody in the world, including you, made his Nice List this year! Which means that the entire world was counting on him to deliver them presents! But the Smissmas Dinosaur did not worry about such a big delivery, because after all, he’s the best!
 
    “At long last, things turned out as they should
    Everyone in the world’s gone and been good!
    This is definitely a surprise, I’d never expect it,
    But I’ve gifts to deliver, and I’m gonna commit!
    Now I’ll take off in my big Smissmas sleigh,
    So the world can have presents before Smissmas Day!”
 
    As the Smissmas Dinosaur finished talking to himself, he noticed a strange disturbance. All of a sudden, a very large and very scary SKELETON T-REX JUMPED OUT FROM THE SHADOWS and began to speak in a very ghoulish voice, that somehow seemed familiar to the Smissmas Dinosaur.
    “Hehuehee! You aren’t going anywhere Clancy! Not now, not ever! A shrimp like you doesn’t deserve to be successful! Success belongs to only the coolest people. And I’m at the top of that list! So step away from the sleigh, you dork! It’s mine now! I’m going to give the children of the world a Smissmas they won’t soon forget! HEHUEHEE!”
    The Smissmas Dinosaur was confused at first, but quickly came to the conclusion that THIS was his child-hood bully! 65 million years ago, he would have been scared and back down. But back then, he was still Clancy! But now he’s the SMISSMAS DINOSAUR! And he knew he was totally capable of whooping some skeleton dino-douche bag’s ass.
 
    “Now listen here, that’s a crock of shit!
    Smissmas is mine, and you can’t have it!
    Back in the past, you’d win in a fight.
    With your superior strength and much taller height,
    But now I can easily stand up to your menacing leer!
    For these days I’m imbued with the Smissmas cheer,
    So go on, bag of bones, just do your worst
    No how hard you try, I’ll still come in first!”
 
Jack ignored the Smissmas Dinosaur’s threat, and attacked him right away. But as promised, the Smissmas Dinosaur gave him a thorough ass-kicking!
    Jack knew he had been beaten, and could not accept a loss to a big doofus such as the Smissmas Dinosaur. But Jack had a backup plan. “Get ‘im, boys!” he exclaimed! At that moment, several demon dinosaurs from Hell leaped out and attacked the Smissmas Dinosaur! The Smissmas Dinosaur was no match for a demon army, and was swiftly taken down. He was then tied up, and Jack began to boast like the annoying son-of-a-bitch he was.
    “HEHUEHEE! How the mighty have fallen, ya’ big nerd! Now I can show the world a REAL Smissmas celebration, thus cementing myself as the greatest dinosaur to ever live! EVER! But Clancy, don’t think ill of my plan… for I’ll do the best job that I can! Hehuehee! Ya’ heard that? I just rhymed! I’m already better than you! But I’m just getting started… This year, Smissmas will be MINE!”
    With that, Jack took off in the Smissmas Dinosaur’s Smissmas sleigh, leaving behind the Smissmas Dinosaur and the demon dinos from Hell. The Smissmas Dinosaur pleaded to be let go, but to no avail! And this, my friends, is where the real context ends!
 
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     Wait just a gosh-darn minute… The Smissmas Dinosaur’s childhood bully is back from Hell to sabotage the Smissmas Dinosaur’s good name as one final “fuck you”? That just isn’t cool! As the new Smissmas Dinosaur, Jack has many plans in store for Smissmas this year in order to make it the “BEST SMISSMAS EVER!” These include…
 
    -A change to the Naughty and Nice List. It is now the Cool Kids and Doofus List.
    -Gifts are not delivered in the traditional sense. Instead, all gifts are delivered in shipping crates that require a key to open.
    -Only the Cool Kids will receive goodies during his Smissmas flight! People on the Doofus List will only receive Smissmas beatings.
    -All traditional Smissmas decorations will be replaced with demonic decor from Hell, as part of the deal he with his demon dino friends.
    -Jack Ass the Bully Dinosaur is to be referred to as Jack Skellingsaurus, as to make himself much more popular in pop-culture!
    -When all is said and done, Jack plans to steal the Smissmas Dinosaur’s flesh, thus allowing him to become a living dinosaur once again!
 
    That doesn’t sound to me like the best Smissmas ever! In fact, it sounds like the worst! Of course, the mercs catch on to all these evil Smissmas shenanigans real quick, and are more than ready to put an end to Jack Skellingsaurus’s misdeeds! This is where the actual update begins. Finally.
 
    The new game-mode would, of course, pit the mercenaries against Jack Skellingsaurus and his army of satan-dinos. RED team would be reskinned to take the role of the evil dinosaurs, while BLU team would still be the good ol’ mercenaries we all know and love. It shall be called “The Nightmare Before Smissmas”, or TNBS. The objective for this gamemode is for the BLU team to blow up Jack Skellingsaurus, who is flying high above the map, (tnbs_smissmastown), in the Smissmas sleigh! But as we all know, the Smissmas Dinosaur’s sleigh is completely invulnerable to standard weaponry! So how can the mercs blow it up? By launching the mother of all missiles at it, of course!
    Like all new Valve-gamemodes, this one is convoluted as fuck to the point of being unplayable. It is the task of BLU team to collect the missile launch codes. The launch codes cannot be found normally, and can only be found by capturing control points, (aka, the houses that have been visited by Jack Skellingsaurus). When a house is captured, the house is covered in all sorts of spooky Smissmas decorations from Hell, like spiderwebs, snakes, and menacing cactuses! But as soon as BLU captures the house, Jack Skellingsaurus’s evil Smissmas renovations are removed, and the home-owners will reward you with their missile launch codes as thanks.
    The missile launch codes can then be grabbed and carried, just like the Intelligence Briefcase! However, if you get killed while holding the launch codes, the code disappears and immediately returns back to the house from whence it came. This also returns the point back to RED’s posession, meaning BLU has to recap if they want the launch codes again!
    When the launch code is picked up, it is the duty of BLU team to bring it to the central missile, which is located in the back of the map behind a really bad choke-point that gives RED a very clear advantage. In order to launch the central missile, BLU team must bring a total of three launch codes to the missile!
    Once the missile receives all three launch codes, it must be adjusted in order to assure that it will be able to hit Jack. Afterall, it only has one shot and you gotta make it count! At this point, the missile must be pushed, similar to a payload cart up. The path is all uphill, (the cart roll back!) and continues in a straight line upward for a pretty good while! Once the missile launcher thing reaches the top of the hill, BLU team must capture it like how you capture the rocket in Special Delivery! Shit, I told you that it was gonna be complicated. But even I’m confused by what I just typed out. Lemme recap the gameplay real quick to try to make sense of it.
 
   -BLU must capture the houses, ala control points.
    -Once points are capped, intelligence spawns on point.
    -Intel must be brought to the missile three times.
    -After third cap, missile must be pushed by BLU like a payload.
    -Once payload reaches destination, you must launch the rocket, like in Special Delivery.
    -Also, there’s no timer so the round never ends. EVER!
 
    Makes sense, right? And I haven’t even gotten into the best part yet! Scattered throughout the map would be very dangerous hazards. As a result of Jack and his demon dino friends escaping Hell, all Hell has broken loose, literally! This means there would be dozens of hazards to look out for, including the aforementioned snakes and cactuses, along with scary bats, scorpions, and plant monsters that’ll gobble up anything in sight!
    But there is one hazard more dangerous than any mentioned thus far, and that is… JACK SKELLINGSAURUS HIMSELF! You see, after the sleigh is blown up by BLU team, it crashes down, causing him to break into a rampage. As a result of his blind rage, he will attack both RED and BLU team in a very exciting boss battle finale!
 

    “Season’s beatings, everyone! Hehuehee!” -Jack Skellingsaurus
 
    Jack Skellingsaurus would have many dangerous attacks up his skeleton sleeves, including the ability to punch you with his tiny T-Rex arms, biting you with his big jaw, and throwing Hell bombs, which are like a regular bomb, but much more devastating! Whichever team delivers the final blow wins the round. Sounds fair to me! The winning team wins a cool hat, based off Jack’s haunted Smissmas hat.
    Also worth noting: there’d be an achievement for winning on this map 12 times! Which sounds pretty easy to do. But it isn’t because this map is shit and the round never ends. Lucky for us, Valve will be sure to waste any and all development time on this trainwreck gamemode instead of bringing us anything new! Maybe one day it’ll actually be enjoyable? Probably not. I mean, Mannpower’s still shit.
    And of course, this update would come jam-packed with all sorts of new cosmetic items and weapons, which would all be locked behind the newest crate. An example of a new cosmetic item would be an item set for Spy that turns him into a Jack-in-the-Box. A new weapon for this set could be some stretchy arms for spy, which basically turn him into a character from ARMS, allowing him to backstab you from across the map. There’d be plenty more weapons and such in this update. But again, they’d all be locked in these crates, meaning you’ll probably never get the ones you want unless you get involved with the trading community. But nobody wants to do that!
    Hey Valve! Wanna know the BEST part about this update? It basically encompasses both Halloween and Christmas, meaning that it could serve as BOTH a Scream Fortress and a Smissmas event in the same year, making less work for you! And we all know how much you like to avoid hard work, instead opting to deliver the bear minimum.
    Anyway, that about sums up the final post of THE 12 POSTS OF SMISSMAS! I hope you’re all glad. I know I am. I was gonna make today's post longer, but I ran out of time. Plus, it's already too long anyway. Plus, plus I’m tired. I’m gonna go to sleep now. Goodbye SPUFFriends, and Merry Smissmas! (Or whatever holiday you celebrate!)
    Now that the 12 Posts are done, it means that I will return to my regularly scheduled programming, where I hardly ever post. Which is probably for the best. Bye!
 
 
Eleven Poem Stanzas!
 
Ten UFOs!
 
Nine Dazzling Weapons!
 
Eight Stolen Presents!
 
Seven Smissmas Beatings!
 
Six Billion Dollars!
 
Five Brand New Taunts!
 
Four Gingerbread Homes!
 
Three Useless Effects!
 
Two Candy Canes!
 
And an Exciting Smissmas Story!
 
 
 

The soul crushing disappointment from valve's announcement is sure to be my best smissmas gift this year.

Oh brother!

I saw the title and could only remember the Pyro Pool Thread.
 
What a legendary thread.

I wasn't making all those characters in my doodle thread for nothing! I've been working on a short cartoon for a few months, and it's finally done. I've actually wanted to do this in some form for 7 years now. But this cartoon itself only started production in March of this year (which is actually NOT why the series is called MARCH), after scrapping an earlier, partially-finished pilot. But finally, the culmination of 7 years of conceptualization is here! You can watch the first episode "MARCH- Austin vs the Football" on Newgrounds or Youtube:
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=up-fE5_IMOg
 
https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/719899
 
And if you want to learn the full history of this cartoon, I made a short slideshow for you all:
 
https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/13aJxzY44Mx_sym9MpZX-Eo0NnANK2YDMMZwK3iQZWWo/edit?usp=sharing
 
I hope to make more of these cartoons in the future, expanding the world as I go. This thread will be exclusively for MARCH episodes. Any drawings or non-MARCH cartoons will still go into the doodle thread.

I've never been too much of a gamer, but here's a couple of neat games that probably changed the industry forever. I dunno, I'm just doing this 'cause everyone else is.
 
 

So, we've got ourselves another Smash Direct tomorrow, supposedly clocking in at 40 minutes! But why waste 40 minutes of your life tomorrow, when you can waste 5 minutes of your life right now?! That's right folks, LeakerAIDS Monkey is back, bringing you the most accurate and reliable Smash Bros leaks of all time! So, warning! There's gonna be some HUGE SPOILERS for Smash Ultimate! (I was gonna include some sweet pictures like I have in the past, but my undercover guy died out of delight while taking them. So I don't have any this time.)