Leaderboard

Eh, someone's gotta support our local stores. Especially this time of year.

Hello there, once again SubSPUF pals! It’s the Holiday Season, and we all know what that means! It’s time for an all new, exciting Smissmas Update idea! “But LordAIDS Monkey”, you may ask, “didn’t we already get a new update in the form of all new taunts and a Smissmas Stocking?!” Yes! We did, and let me say that Valve’s new excuse for a Smissmas routine has really grown quite tired! But never fear, I’m HERE to introduce to all you an EXCITING new idea, cooked up a year in advance so that Valve might borrow (steal) and implement it for NEXT YEAR’S UPDATE! So sit back, relax, and enjoy the thrilling idea! … It was a normal day in TF2 Land. But it wasn’t just ANY normal day! It was a normal Smissmas Day, and the Scout was throwing his yearly Smissmas Bash! All the mercs, of course, attended Scout’s little party. As Scout was going around, making sure all the guests were enjoying the festivities, he heard a peculiar noise that no party host ever wants to hear. “Ayyy, this party SUCKS!” shouted the drunken Demoman. “Huhuhuh! Heya, pally! There's no need to be feeling blue about my party! We’re bringing out the piñata soon, so good times are sure arise!” assured Scout. As Scout spoke, a knocking was heard at his door. “Yeehaw! Looks like we company, Scout! Don’t ya’ll worry, I’ll open the door faster than a barrel down a hill.” Engineer opened the door, and his jaw dropped immediately upon seeing who their guest was. Their guest was none other than the Smissmas Dinosaur himself! “Hello there, my little mercenaries. I’m here to warn you to be wary! The Smissmas Holiday is currently in danger, and it’s all thanks to some mysterious stranger! I don’t know who or what it is. But one thing’s for sure, it hates Smissmas! So I humbly ask you for your aid, and as a reward, you shall be greatly paid. No, not with money or things of that gist. But with a place on my jolly, nice list!” The mercenaries were unsure if they wanted to help the Smissmas Dinosaur. Afterall, he has tried to kill them on multiple occasions. (For those of you who are not aware, the Smissmas Dinosaur has been a recurring villain of sorts, as the mercenaries are always on the naughty list!) The mercenaries were also a bit confused as to what the task at hand was. Smissmas in danger? What?! Scout spoke up. “Huhuhu! Hey, Mr. Dinosaur, I for one, would love to help ya’ out! But, uh, what is it exactly you want us to do? Huhuhu.” “If we want to see our halls be decked, then I have some gifts you must protect! For many of the presents I’ve made this year, have vanished, yes, disappeared! A menace must be behind this trick... It must be a holiday-hating-prick! So I ask of you, dear little Scout! Please figure what this mess is about! If you don’t, Smissmas will take a bad toll! And you’ll all be receiving some dino-shit coal.” “Well, count us in then!” The mercs all shouted with glee! Yes, for once the mercs have all unanimously agreed on something. And thus it was decided, that they would seek out this holiday-hater. But, who in the right mind WOULD be such a holiday hater? Let’s find out! Meanwhile, in a dark, snowy cavern, was a tall figure sitting by a warm fire lit by burning Smissmas presents and the dreams of children. “Gah. I hate presents. I hate snow, I hate that dinosaur. But most of all, I HATE SMISSMAS!” This monster was none other than… THE BAH-HUM BUG! And this guy is bad news for sure! He decided to, once more, steal the presents and dreams of children. And so he donned his hat, and set out. Later, the mercenaries were guarding their presents, and that’s when the Bah-Hum Bug appeared! “Hello mercenaries. Just step aside, and I’ll be taking your gifts.” “Huhuhu! No chance, pally! These gifts are the property of the children, so you aren’t getting them!” Scout and his friends all formed a great barrier to block the Bah-Hum Bug’s attempts, but the Bah-Hum Bug came prepared to deal with these silly mercs. “Hmmph! Fine then! Get a taste of THIS!” Suddenly, the Bah-Hum Bug began absorbing the holiday spirit from all the mercenaries! “Hahaha! This will make great fuel for my fire back home! Now step aside, those gifts are MINE!” The mercenaries, now essentially soulless, listened to the Bah-Hum Bug. The Bah-Hum Bug made off with the gifts, and this is where our update begins! ... This update would be shipped with an all new game-mode, that ties directly to my Smissmas Story! The gamemode, Smissmas Spirit, will feature take place in a fairly large map, split off into two separate zones. In the first zone is where the bulk of the match will occur. The decor here would be some sort of snowy hill, with a couple of structures to provide shelter. Here, RED and BLU will be pitted in a usually death match, where the objective is to kill one another, and collect the small bits of holiday spirit from their victims. There will also be small spawns of holiday spirit across the map that must be collected. After a set time, the first portion of the map will come to an end. Whichever team collects the most holiday spirit wins this portion. Now this where things get REAL crazy. After the first portion of the game, the mercs are magically teleported into the Bah-Hum Bug’s icy lair. Whichever team won the first portion of the game receives significant buffs in this second portion of the match. But in this second portion, the objective is not to kill one another, but to kill the Bah-Hum Bug himself! That’s right! The Bah-Hum Bug makes an appearance as the boss this update! He’d, of course, have many dangerous attacks at his disposal, including throwing bombs, throwing presents, throwing present bombs, and a short-ranged attack that absorbs your holiday spirit, draining all your ammo and dropping you to 1 hp. (But an FYI, Scouts using the Wrap Assassin or Candy Cane, Heavies using Holiday Punch, and Spies using the Spycicle will be immune to this effect! However, festive weapons will not be immune, so don’t ask, you P2W sluts!) Respawn will be disabled during the second phase, so don’t die! If both teams die, everybody loses. If you happen to be alive when the Bah-Hum Bug dies, you win completely independent of your team! If you don’t win, you don’t get any goodies. Too bad! And what are these goodies I speak of? Well, a mandatory achievement that earns you the Bah-Hum Bug’s hat! But there are even more great achievements that can be earned, including the obligatory achievement where you must win on this map 8,000 times. "BAH HUMBUG!" -Bah-Hum Bug And what update would be complete without WEAPONS!? Well, according to Valve, every update is acceptable as long as they’re making money. But in my book, we oughta have weapons. So I’m gonna list a few neat concepts for you all! The mercenaries were all on the nice list this year, so they have the Smissmas Dinosaur’s permission to be total douches next year, with these cool new weapons that’ll make your team sure to hate you! The Speed Snatcher Level 0 Bat Hit teammates to steal 10% of their speed for 3 seconds -30% damage No random crits Scout can hiit teammates to take 10% of their speed to add to your own for 10 seconds. If you hit a medic healing you, you can infinitely stack speed boosts because Valve bugs are fun! The Tragic Tap Level 0 Battle Banner Buff built through death of allies in a nearby radius Buff refills health Buff grants full crits Buff only applies to user This is a Soldier Banner! It fills up by ⅓ everytime a teammate dies near you. Once full, you can blow it like a regular banner, restoring your health and granting crits to you for 10 seconds. The Pain-Bow Level 0 Flamethrower Damage increases by 15% for each teammate on fire Can not extinguish teammates No random crits This is a Pyro Flamethrower that promotes W+M1, the likes of which no one has ever seen. For each teammate on fire, anywhere, you gain a damage increase. But you can’t extinguish pals! Sharing is Caring Level 0 Lunchbox Feed a sandvich to a teammate to become bound to them If your bound teammate dies, you recieve mini crits for 2 seconds Sandwiches don’t heal An all new sandvich for heavy! If this weapon doesn’t teach Heavies to share their damn Sandviches, nothing will. Eating it yourself doesn’t do anything. Don’t eat it. The Frontier Vengeance Level 0 Shotgun Gain two revenge crits for every teammate that dies You do not receive revenge crits if you have an active sentry -50% clip size No random crits This is an Engie shotgun! It gains two revenge crits every time a teammate dies, keeping them stored on your HUD. You receive your crits whenever your active sentry goes down. Health Insurance Level 0 Medigun Uber grants invincibility, knockback immunity, megaheal, 100% crit chance, and speed boost +500% Uber build rate. Uber remains in effect after weapon switch -40% Uber duration Uber only triggers on patient death Uber does not affect patients This is a Medigun! It functions like stock, but Uber builds REALLY fast! The catch is that it only activates when your patient dies, and is only capable of affecting the medic wielding it. Strength in Numbers Level 0 Sniper Rifle Gain 20% bodyshot damage for each sniper on your team Headshots only deal mini-crits Can only fire when scoped This is an all new rifle! This weapon rewards you to play as Outback Steakhouse Man, as they say, strength in numbers! You get a damage boost for the more snipers you have! The Double-Double Agent Level 0 Disguise Kit Spy can initiate pain-links by backstabbing teammates When disguised, you take 50% less damage and will not receive status effects Cannot disguise manually Pain-link partner receives other 25% of regular damage This is an all new disguise kit! It allows you to form a bond like no other with your team. When disguised as them, they take some damage for you. You can't disguise as enemies at all! Demoman doesn’t get anything because he can just play Demoknight if he wants his team to hate him. And that's a wrap! Merry Smissmas to all you good folks! As always, I look forward to sharing more fantastic update ideas with you in the future. But until that day comes, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing OUT!