Greetings, my Spuffy Pals, as well as my non-Spuffy Pals! I'm sure none of you good folks remember me, or ever knew who I was in the first place... BUT, BOY, DO I REMEMBER YOU! Now, those of you who do remember might remember me saying that I, in fact, died along with SPUF those long months ago! But, as Halloween draws near, those spooky ghosts and goblins, myself included, return from the grave, and spread good cheer in preparation for the SCARIEST HOLIDAY OF THEM ALL! That's right, for those of you that care, I have made a grand return to an all new romping ground! So, while Valve is busy using the Pyro Update as an excuse to not do anything, I'm here to deliver the quality Halloween content we've all been craving for the past few years! So sit back, relax, and enjoy my new, thrilling idea, which doubles as a gratuitous introduction to my return!
As always, for those of you folks who don't know, I like to begin my update ideas with a backstory as to what's all going on, to ease you into the content of the update. As I always say... "Before the conTENT, comes the conTEXT!"
Our story begins with old Saxton Hale, nearing bankruptcy after many, many stupid decisions with how to run his company. He decided he was gonna have to shut down a number of his stores in order to stay in business. "Now that I've shut down all my stores, I can pursue one of my real dreams. THE MANN CO.TEL!" You see, Hale didn't let hitting rock-bottom get him down, instead, he saw it as an opportunity to move on to his vision... an all new hotel! "Of course, with Mann Co. shutting down, I gotta fire all them no-good mercenaries, and find some cheap building I can convert into a five-star hotel!"
That night, Saxton Hale called up the Engineer (who is, of course, the leader of the team!) to let them in on the bad news. "Listen up, mercenaries! It's been an honor working with you guys, but it hurts my heart to say this... I hate every single one of you, and I want nothin' more to do with you. I want you all out of my building in an hour, or I'll kill every last one of you with my bare hands!" Engineer was taken aback by Hale's bad news, and made sure to tell all his friends that they were out of a job! Those poor suckers, what'll ever happen to them now? Well, I'll tell you!
The mercenaries, now jobless, began to brainstorm what they could do now. All their ideas seemed totally far-fetched, that is, until little Scout spoke up. "Huhuhu! Like, what if we became Ghostbusters or somethin' like that?" Engineer perked up a little bit after hearing Scout's words, and replied, "Scout, of all the ideas I've heard here today, that's gotta be the absolute worst of all. Everyone knows ghosts aren't real, so how in Hell do you think something that nonsensical could work, you freakin' idiot?" Demoman spoke up, in defense of poor Scout, "But, man, we fought me haunted eye one time and there was that pumpkin man an'... *burp* we've already proven we're more 'n capable of takin' on ghosts n' other creepy creatures, man...!" The fellow mercenaries all nodded approvingly to Demoman's wise words, but Engineer was not having any of that nonsense!
"Shut up, Demoman! You're a drunken idiot! None of those things ever happened and you know it! I mean really, Ghostbustin'? You'd have to be some sort of second-grader to think an idea as stupid as that could ever work!"
...
Meanwhile, Saxton Hale, ambitious as ever, began looking for land to build his Mann Co.tel. After searching far and wide, Hale eventually found the perfect plot of land! Large, cheap, and right in the middle of a desert! "Ah, this'll make the perfect place for my hotel! Now time to get work on my construction!" And so, after many years of construction, the Mann Co.tel was built, and boy was it a sight to behold! After construction was complete, Hale went inside and admired his handiwork. "Wow, after all these long years my dream's finally come true." A tear came to Hale's eye, but this heartwarming moment was soon interrupted..! All of a sudden, the lights went out, one by one, and a cold gust of wind blew through the dark hotel lobby. "Huh, what's goin' on!?' exclaimed Hale. An eerie muffled voice was heard down a dark hallway as he saw a dark figure approaching, and at that moment, Saxton Hale knew he had to Saxton BAIL! "I gotta get outta here!" Hale ran to the exit, but found that the door was locked! Panicked, Hale began yanking the doorknob, then turned to look over his shoulder to see if the figure had gotten close, and sure enough, the figure was right behind him! Hale blacked out from fear immediately!
...
"I can't believe how stupid ya' are, Scout!" Engineer continued to exclaim, kicking the sobbing Scout, who was curled up in the fetal position on the floor. All the other mercenaries had left long ago to continue their lives, leaving only these two in a dim room, with an even dimmer conversation. "Did your mama really raise you up to be this stupid? I guess that's what happens when daddy ain't around! Heheheheh!" The scene continued for another few hours, until it was interrupted by a phone ringing! Engineer decided to take a well-earned break, and went to pick up the phone. "Oh, howdy Miss Pauling! What's that, Hale's gone missin'? Ghosts, ya' say? Man, looks like I owe someone an apology..." Engineer hung up the phone, and immediately dialed up the Demoman. "Demo, I'm sorry for callin' you a drunk idiot. Yeah, looks like some ghosts got ol' Mr. Hale! Demo, we gotta go round up the rest of the gang and become... Ghostbusters or somethin'! Let's go!" That being said, Engineer, as excited as a kitten in heat, ran out the door, accidentally stepping on the Scout on the way out.
Soon after, the mercenaries all gathered together at Mann Co.tel. "Alright, boys. We've finally got ourselves a job. There's been reports of a haunting here at Mann Co.tel, and that's why we're here! Men, startin' today, we are now officially Ghostbusters! We're back in business, boys!" The mercs all cheered, especially the Scout.
"Huhuhu! I knew you'd finally come through, hard hat! I say lets go in there, and see what those no-good ghosts did with Hale!" cheered Scout. Scout, being the bravest of the bunch, approached the door to the hotel and opened it. The door creaked open, and the mercs all stood in anticipation, waiting for something scary to jump out. And at that moment, absolutely nothing happened, and the mercenaries all went inside. Of course, it was awfully dark and spooky in there, but the mercs were brave and continued on. As they entered the lobby, the door slammed shut behind them, locked, and all Hell broke loose! Uh oh! At that moment, a horde of scary ghosts appeared! But these ghosts were awfully familiar to them... and that's because these ghosts WERE them! Wow, this is a mind-❤❤❤❤ if I've ever seen one!
A certain ghost in particular flew up to the mercs, and began to speak. "Huhuhu! What are you doin' trespassing on our burial site? Huhuhu!" said ghost Scout
"Huhuhu. Burial site? Whaddya mean, ghost pally?" said regular Scout.
"Huhuhu! Glad you asked! That Saxton Hale built his stupid hotel right on our sacred resting place, and made us spirits quite cranky! We died fighting for his company, and this is how he repays us! Huhuhu! Talk about a bad boss! Well, we fixed him up real nice, so you guys oughta be leavin' unless you wanna end up like him!" said ghost Scout.
"Huhuhu! We ain't goin' anywhere! Not without Saxton Hale! Huhuhu, right guys?" said regular Scout. He turned around, looking for support from his team, but alas, they were all scramming for the exit door! "Wait, pallies, where are ya' goin? We gotta save Saxton!" But what Scout didn't realize, was that Hale was a jackass to everyone, and they weren't gonna risk their lives for him, and why would they? He said that he wanted nothing to do with them!
That being said, there will be no update this year, because who wants an update with just Scout? Nobody really likes him that much, and let's face it, Valve wasn't ever gonna make an update anyway! But... I'm not Valve! SO! I'll find a way to make this work, even if it requires an ass-pull, so don't worry!
All of a sudden, the mercs all had a change of heart. "Scout, I was wrong about you. We all were. You're stronger, smarter, and better than me Scout. And I'll be damned if I don't die fighting by your side. You taught me somethin' today, Scout. You taught me that ghosts are real, and that I'm a real jerk... I'm sorry Scout, and I hope you'll forgive me... I hope you'll forgive all of us..." (*This is called "Character Redemption")
"Huhuhu! Don't sweat it, pal! I know that if we work together, then we can save Saxton Hale! And by the way, I forgive ya' Engie!" said the Scout.
All of a sudden, ghost Scout's eyes glowed red with EVIL, and he began to yell in a scary, ghoulish voice, "Huhuh! You fools! Now prepare to become permanent guests at the Mann Co.tel! HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH!"
Talk about a spooky backstory! After a terror-inducing tale like that one, the only way to simmer down is with a thrilling update, based on my glorified fan-fictions! So without further ado, I present my update to YOU!
This map would, of course, take place at the Mann Co.tel, and be an all new Special Delivery map. Who doesn't love Special Delivery? The goal here is to deliver some scalding hot coffee from the lobby to the top floor of the hotel in order to appease the Ghost God! Sounds easy, right? WRONG! For you see, the ghosts will try to stop you, and deliver the coffee themselves, in order to get the Ghost God to unleash Hell upon the mercenaries. Of course, RED will take the role of the mortal mercs, while BLU will be the ghastly ghoulish mercs! Whoever delivers the coffee first, wins!
The layout of the map would be indoors, of course, but the ceiling would be high up so Soldiers can still rocket jump! The coffee would be located toward the back of the map in the lobby of the hotel, which is awfully spacious and decorated with only the finest Mann Co. decor, such as sofas, chairs, and tables! There would be a number of windy, wide hallways, and access into some Hale's sweet suites, which would offer up a number of nifty alternative routes to reach the elevator on the other side of the map. The spawn rooms would in between somewhere, inside of hotel's cheaper rooms. The spawns, of course, would be off to the sides, opposite from each other, which is standard for a SD map. The elevator, of course, would be a large, open, lift in an open room, so that Snipers can pick off folks riding up! Once the elevator reaches the top, the Ghost God will either be bribed by the ghosts to unleash Hell upon RED, or be bribed the mercs to let everyone escape the haunted Mann Co.tel, causing BLU to lose!
On the topic of Hale, he'll be appearing as the BOSS CHARACTER for this update! As referenced earlier, the ghosts have, in fact, possessed everyone's favorite Australian arms-dealer, and now he's dealing out arms of pain to both RED and BLU! Hale is too strong to be fully possessed, so he'll take his wrath out on both teams, pursuing them with a number of dangerous attacks. These attacks include punching people with his Mann Hands, and lobbing bars of highly dangerous and precious Australium, which will EXPLODE, not unlike a bomb. He can also throw REGULAR bombs, which will also explode! When Hale is active, the elevator is incapable of moving. And don't celebrate too soon once Hale is defeated, for he will respawn in a number of minutes, making the objective all but impossible complete!
Of course, no Halloween map would be complete without all the necessary goodies! This map would feature pumpkins, pumpkin bombs, spiders, ghoulish gibus ghosts, and Merasmus's disembodied voice rambling about ducks! And of course, the update would be shipped with all sorts of fancy collectible items like weapons, hats, taunts, and other tricks and treats to stuff your backpack with!
Well friends, the time has come for me to end this update. Let's hope Valve does have something nice in store for this year, lest we receive the scariest thing of all... NOTHING! I must say that I am happy to be back, and look forward to sharing my other thrilling ideas with you in the future! But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, signing out!
Honestly, I blame MOBAs and Overwatch for that one. If there's anything that the success of these games say, it's that people don't want a customizable experience anymore. Even the server browser in Overwatch doesn't add the level of customization that older games offered. PC gaming is slowly killing one of its biggest strengths, and Valve is hardly the first one to do it.
I remember there being this online geometry game where you start with just a compass and prove things which you then can apply to later questions. I think it even got posted here, anyone know what I am talking about?
It's been over a year since we voted to have a Pyro update (before there would be a Heavy update).
Since that point we haven't had a real Halloween update (just a reactivation of previous updates with some new community items). The Christmas update was more of the same, but since Christmas updates have primarily been about cosmetics in the past I guess that's not as big of letdown. This was also the first year without a major summer update.
Theoretically the reason for all of these missed updates is that they are working really hard on the Pyro update, and maybe the later Heavy update.
I mean, why would they make us vote on which update would come first if they didn't plan on doing any updates at all? Surely Valve wouldn't commit themselves to a project and then just drop it entirely when they got bored/distracted/found it harder than expected!
So sarcasm aside, I'm not sure if people are really expecting an update at this point, since we're all aware of how much Valve has let us down. But Valve certainly promised an update (in fact, they promised two updates).
Balance aside, I cant see how a few new weapons and community made hats can take more than a year when Valve was spitting these every other week when TF2 was at it's prime.
It's been over a year since we voted to have a Pyro update (before there would be a Heavy update).
Since that point we haven't had a real Halloween update (just a reactivation of previous updates with some new community items). The Christmas update was more of the same, but since Christmas updates have primarily been about cosmetics in the past I guess that's not as big of letdown. This was also the first year without a major summer update.
Theoretically the reason for all of these missed updates is that they are working really hard on the Pyro update, and maybe the later Heavy update.
I mean, why would they make us vote on which update would come first if they didn't plan on doing any updates at all? Surely Valve wouldn't commit themselves to a project and then just drop it entirely when they got bored/distracted/found it harder than expected!
So sarcasm aside, I'm not sure if people are really expecting an update at this point, since we're all aware of how much Valve has let us down. But Valve certainly promised an update (in fact, they promised two updates).
There was a mandatory IT today meeting to unveil a new web app and offer training for it. When they asked us to login, about the third of people there got a blank page. Someone asked "are there browser compatibility issues with this?" The response: "Oh no, it works fine with everything. It's just that some things don't display properly with Internet Explorer, and sometimes pages don't display at all if you use Firefox or its offshots. But we've seen very few errors when you load it in Chrome."
(Once I finally saw it the usability and general design of the site were shit too.)
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