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Part 1 Rammite was laying in his bed staring up at his ceiling fan. He had been severally depressed after breaking up with the >ghost of Dualjay. Ever since the >Rocky Mountain Man Quest 2012, Rammite's dong had grown so big from all the steak and goat head-butting that it'd quickly ruin all his relationships. "This dong is a curse, how did Guy ever live with such a problem?" Rammite said rolling over to his side. "If only Razputin hadn't destroyed Doopliss' gender bending machine, then maybe I could have used it to free myself of this manly curse." Rammite sighed and went back to sleep. Several hours later, Rammite was woken up be something. He had heard a muffled voice that seemed to come from under him. "Feed me." Rammite quickly sat up in his bed in a panic and started looking around for the source of the voice. "Was that coming from under the bed?" Rammite said before quickly hopping off and looking under his bed. "Feed me." this time the voice seemed to have came from behind him. Rammite quickly turned around, but no sign of the source. "Show yourself!" Rammite yelled. "Feed me." Was all he heard. Rammite was now shaking with fear. He slowly edged his way towards the box of stuff Dualjay had left in his house after the break up. Rammite opened the box and took out one of Dualjay's bad dragon dildos. Rammite held the dildo over his head ready to strike the first thing he saw. "Feed me." This time Rammite was able to pinpoint the source of the sound, and it was coming from inside his pants. Part 2 Rammite carefully unzipped his pants. "Feed me." The voice said no longer muffled. Rammite slowly looked down, and saw that his dong was looking back at him. Rammite took Dualjay's bad dragon dildo and started to flail himself in the crotch out of fear. He instantly regretted that descision as he dropped to his knees in pain. "Feed me" the voice said uninterrupted by the dildo attacks. "What do you want?!" Rammite screamed at his dong. "Feed me." His dong obviously replied. "Oh yeah... should have guessed." Rammite said getting up off the floor. Rammite scuttled to his kitchen with his pants around his feet. He opened his fridge and looked inside. As usual, there was plenty of steaks and eggs inside. "Feed me." The dong said lifting itself up towards the steak in the fridge. Rammite took a steak and fed it to his dong like you'd feed a dog table scraps. The dong quickly ate it up and slightly grew in size. Rammite kept feeding it steak and eggs, and each time the dong grew more and more. Rammite had emptied out his fridge, and his dong had grown quite a bit. The dong was now on the floor by several feet. "That's all the food I have, sorry." Rammite said looking at his dong. "Pa...papa." The dong said looking back at Rammite. "Did you just call me papa? Maybe all this steak is making my dong smarter." Rammite said struggling to walk over to his couch. Rammite plopped himself down in the couch. "You know, I should give you a name... How about... Douglas." Rammite said laying back and getting comfortable. Just as he got cozy, there was a knock at his door. Part 3 Rammite panicked and threw a blanket over Douglas. "Come in, it's open." Rammite said trying to act nonchalant. Idiot Cube walked in carrying a cardboard box that was dripping all over the carpet. "I brought you some steaks since I heard you were under the weather." Idiot Cube said setting the box down by Rammite's feet. "Why did you use a cardboard box to carry raw steaks?" Rammite asked looking at his carpet. "Don't judge me, it's my fetish." Idiot Cube replied looking offended. Douglas then raised his head and started sniffing at the air. "STEAK!!!" Douglas yelled before throwing off the blankets and diving head first into the steaks. "C-c-carnivorous dong! Screw this, I'm not going out like my dad." Idiot Cube screamed before running out of Rammite's house. Douglas quickly finished off the box of steaks before Rammite could do anything about it. The steaks in the box were enough to make Douglas even bigger than Rammite was. "MORE!!!" Douglas yelled before lunging forward and crawling across the ground like a snake. Rammite tried to stop Douglas, but Douglas' thrusts were too powerful. Douglas dragged Rammite to the neighbors house where he head-butted their door down. Douglas quickly slithered inside and emptied out their fridge of steaks. Douglas then went and did the same to all the the neighbor's houses. With each house Douglas grew bigger and bigger. It wasn't long before he couldn't use their doors anymore, and had to bust down the walls of their houses to get in. "I crave more steak!" Douglas yelled after finishing off the last house's steak. Douglas had now grown to the size of a van. Part 4 Rammite's feet no longer touched the ground, so he was completely under control of Douglas' whims. Douglas raised his head and sniffed at the air. "I smell steak to the north." Douglas said slithering towards the main part of town. "Douglas, there are innocent people there. They need steak to live too." Rammite shouted, pounding his fist into Douglas' back. Douglas just ignored Rammite's pleas and moved even faster. Rammite noticed a familiar face on the side of the road. "Oh look, it's Comeau." Rammite said waving at his friend. Comeau waved back, but soon was out of Rammite's sight. Douglas quickly reached the edge of town. The smell of steak was thick in the air. Douglas roared loudly, waving his head back and forth, and then charged at the first source of steak he could smell. The Steak and Steak was first to go, followed by the Steak-Fil-A, Jamba Steak, Steak Queen (and King), Steakway, Steak Hut, KFS, McSteaks, and Steak Bell. With every fast-food restaurant, Douglas grew bigger, and the bigger he grew the faster he was able to eat steak. It wasn't long before Douglas was able to finish off all the restaurants in town. After eating all that steak, Douglas had grown to the size of a small building. "The smell of steak is gone. Where did the steak go?" Douglas asked sniffing at the air. "You ate all the steak there was in town, Douglas. There is no more steak to be had." Rammite replied barely able to move on Douglas' back. "WHAT?! NO MORE STEAK!!!" Douglas screamed, looking around frantically for steak. Rammite thought of a plan at that moment. "I was wrong, there is more steak. It's just well hidden." Rammite said with a smirk on his face. "WHERE?!" Douglas shouted, still looking around in every direction. "To your left." Rammite said pointing at a coffee shop were Huff and Skye were drinking outside. Part 5 Huff and Skye had spent the entire afternoon gossiping and drinking coffee. They were so wrapped up in it, that they didn't even notice that a giant dong had been attacking and destroying all the fast-food restaurants around town. Skye had one of his scarves wrapped around his face, which made drinking coffee very difficult. Thankfully, there were plenty of napkins at their table. Douglas' approach had made the ground start to shake. "Is your stomach rumbling, Skye." Huff asked taking a long sip from his coffee. "That's not me, but I do need to go on a diet." Skye replied with a shirt covered in coffee. "Oh no you don't, Skye. You look fabulous. I need to go on a diet." Huff replied, obviously fishing for compliments. Before they could get locked in a never ending cycle of saying the other one looks skinny and that they need to go on a diet, Douglas had arrived and interrupted them with an earth-shattering roar. "Oh look, it's Tyrone." Skye said looking up at Douglas. "You slut." Huff scoffed at Skye. "STEAK!!!" Douglas roared at them. "There's no steak here. It's the Vegan Hippy Cafe." Huff replied taking another long sip of coffee. "That's perfect." Rammite thought to himself. "Huff, Skye, get as much tofu as you can and give it to the monster dong." Rammite screamed, barely able to be heard from behind Douglas. Huff and Skye didn't disagree with Rammite's plan, since they wanted Douglas to stop annoying them so they could go back to their coffee and girl talk. They looked at each other briefly before Skye said. "Well I bought the coffee today." Huff rolled his eyes and went inside the Vegan Hippy Cafe. He came out carrying a large armful of tofu, and placed it down on the table. Douglas sniffed at the tofu. "THAT'S NOT STEAK!" Douglas roared at them, covering the two in his spit. "You have to find some way to make him eat it!" Rammite screamed as loud as he could. "I got it!" Skye said wiping Douglas' spit off his face and taking off his scarf. Skye laid it flat on the table, and then loaded all the tofu onto his scarf, turning it into a makeshift sling. "What are you doing?" Huff asked. Skye didn't answer, he just started to spin the scarf sling as fast as he could. Douglas roared at the two loudly, opening his mouth up very wide. "Smile you son of a bitch." Skye yelled, flinging the tofu into Douglas' mouth. The tofu caused Douglas to start to flail around in pain. His entire body started to bubble and shake. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Douglas screamed before exploding. "You did it." Rammite said running over to Huff and Skye. It then started to rain, but it was not raining water. Thousands of dongs rained down from the sky. "The dongpocalypse is upon us." Huff declared.

Get this straight! I'm just a mean green donger from outer space, and I'm bad! I'm just a mean green donger from outer space, and it looks like you been had! I'm just a mean green donger from outer space, So get off my back, 'n get out my face! 'Cause I'm MEAN AND GREEN, And I am BAD!

Scout mains: Have a comp history, and thus have a strong hatred for crits and have a stock-or-go mentality; the more "advanced" Scout mains will also only play 5CP and Gravelpit. They usually do not use mic or chat at all, unless they come up against an equally skilled opposing scout main. The Scout versus Scout fight is sacred, so let the trashtalking commence Soldier mains: If you're not pubstomping you aren't having fun. Any loss, no matter how close, will be blamed on their team's incompetence. Are often accompanied by their own personal pocketmedic and will suck up to other medics so they can add them to their evergrowing friendslist of dialup healing sources. As with the Scout main, an encounter with a fellow Soldier main wil result in a flurry of failed airshots Pyro mains: Once pressed m2 in the general direction of a rocket and are now the kings of TF2. Will constantly complain about how Valve hates their class, and every new unlock addition is greeted with an article about how it makes the pyro less good in some way. They live in a hierarchy of elitism depending on primary, going Degreaser < Flamethrower < Backburner and are currently publishing a book about why their primary is best Demoman mains: come in two flavors. The Demoknight main is stuck on a permanent level of noskill, and finds comfort by telling themselves they score low because they're "just joking around". The only players who actually want to play with random crits on. Stickydemos strictly play competitive, but will come down from the heavens once in a while to obliterate an entire server together with their team's Medic, in the same way a fat guy eats a bag of crisps by the handfull. Heavy mains: are always Highlander players. Are in extreme denial about their class' skill requirement and will defend it at all costs. Occasional very, very new players also main Heavy, but surpass its skill ceiling after about 50 hours and go to another class. Engineer mains: Come in two flavors. Stock Sentry Engineers are often new, low-skill players, but there are many outliers who have spent hundreds of hours maintaining their precious sentry nests. These players live a feng-shui lifestyle, content with their low skill level and content with defending the objective while others go out and have fun. Don't mention soldiers or demomen to them, however. Minisentry Engineers are the antithesis of their stock brethren: they live to ruin other players' fun. Armed with Pomson and Short Circuit they set out to koth servers to feed on the opposing team's tears. They see the low skill ceiling as an upside, since it leaves one hand free for other more throbbing matters. Medic mains: contain 90% of the female TF2 players, as Medic is the most bishie of the TF2 mercs. Although the vast majority of them has a friendslist full of sugardaddies to cling onto and rack points, there is a minor few who stands through the shittyness of the average pubber and tries to actually medic a whole team even if that results in less points and more shittalk. These brave warriors should be applauded and will not be ridiculed even on this satire-ridden list. Although medic still takes zero skill. Sniper mains: live on the concept of big-fish-small-pond. Too shitty to play realistic shooters, they hide in TF2 and nourish on its incredibly forgiving headshot hitbox and a lack of much opposing sniper skill. Sniper mains never communicate with other players as that would waste time that could be spent upping their k/d, the only thing that fills the void in their heart just a little bit. Spy mains: Invented elitism. The fact alone that they pressed 9 in the class select menu makes them better than all other players on the server. If there are 3 or more Spies on their team they will be the loudest to complain that people should switch class, yet the least likely to actually switch themselves. Ironically are very similar to their nemesis Pyro mains in that they love to complain about how bad their class is and how much Valve hates them

Little Cock of Horrors

  except with the other side

Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream got shot.

Guess who just (pre)ordered his SHAGBARK PLUSH. This guy.

My step-by-step guide to Spy watches. Equip your favorite non-Dead-Ringer watch and play as normal. If things go well, congratulations! Grab a drink, sit back, relish the victory. If things do not go well, change to the Dead Ringer. Attempt to fake your deaths to the enemy, so that you get more chances to strike in a single life. Continue this until the enemy starts double-checking their kills and they find you. Now change to the other watch again. Play as normal. If things go well, as before, you win! If not, then the enemy will now be wasting time double-checking kills that they don't have to - which is, in itself, a victory. Once they stop double-checking, switch to the Dead Ringer again. Repeat this pattern to constantly annoy the enemy. Even if you are doing poorly, you can still irritate and confuse them, which will lead to one of two outcomes - they will become easier to predict and thus easier to beat, or they will win and you can take solace in the fact that you pissed them off as they did. If all else fails, pick a different class. If that fails as well, uninstall. Also forgot to mention that Dead Ringer is a "I hate using this but I simply must" option for "spammy" or chokepoint maps, such as Goldrush. and that its still way less annoying than the cloak and dagger seriously who designed that thing Also forgot to mention that I haven't played TF2 in a month so you can disregard everything I just said. (EDIT: Scratch that, just played it again today, and Steak-KGB Heavy remains as delightful as always.)

Raise your dongs

Spies that run around with the Ambassador and Dead Ringer are the worst.

It's just that the most arrogant, self-important players I come across play nothing but solider and have a friend shoving a kritzkreig up their ass. They are so fucking proud of themselves.

soldier mains are always the biggest dicks

Last good April Fools' day thing I found.

broke down and bought goat simulator.

I love me some C&H.

I think I may be obsessing a bit.

Dec 4th, 2012 We all met at the base of the Rocky Mountains right before dawn, as we had agreed upon the night before. Magickus and Corvette arrived together, Guy arrived shortly after them, and Rammite was the last to show up, barely making it on time. We were all there with a common goal in mind. We were going to climb to the peak of the Rocky Mountains to retrieve the legendary hooker tree of legend. A tree that, if the stories were true, could grow hookers of every type for who ever was man enough to climb to the mountain's peak. "Took me forever to get away from the ol' ball and chain, sorry about that. Had to leave him tied up to a bondage device just to give him the slip." Rammite told us arriving in a hurry. Since Rammite and Dualjay started having dragon dildo sex, Rammite has always been too busy for his friends. It seemed like all he wanted to do every day is put semen lube on a dragon dildo and ♥♥♥♥ Dualjay in a dragon costume. It was nice to see him again. After going over a check list of all the supplies we were sure to need, we began are quest for the legendary hooker tree. The most important part of our quest was a MP3 player playing "Rocky Mountain Way" by Joe Walsh, since the legend says that the song was required for us to find... the way to the legendary hooker tree. For reasons we didn't know at the time, Magickus made sure that he brought grape drink margaritas with him. Rammite being Rammite, he made sure to bring several dragon dildos with him as well. The legend forbid us from using any mountain climbing gear, since only the manliest of the manly are worthy for the hooker tree, but thankfully all SPUFers are secretly super buff in real life, so climbing the mountain by hand was incredibly easy for us. We spent several hours easily climbing up the mountain while listening to "Rocky Mountain Way," and you know what they say, time sure does fly when you're climbing up a mountain with your bare hands. After several intense and manly hours of mountain climbing, it was time for our afternoon steak, so we stopped for a rest on a nearby ledge. Luckily, there were some mountain goats we were able to punch to death to get the meat for our afternoon steaks. Guy prepared a fire to cook the steaks with by punching a pile of twigs so fast they caught on fire. Of course, the manliest way to eat a steak is raw, so the fire was really just for the manly atmosphere. All those hours of climbing the mountain by hand had bonded us in a way that you could only get from climbing a mountain with just your hands with other buff dudes from the internet could. We sat by the fire and swapping stories, arm wrestled, and breaking rocks with our fists. I could really tell that Rammite needed this man time, he was being himself again. I almost forgot how much he loved headbutting mountain goats. We were having a good time, until we all started getting tired all of a sudden. After a while, we could barely even arm wrestle we were so tired, and it was then that Guy revealed his true colors. "Enjoy those steaks?" Guy gloated between laughs. "What have you done to us?" I asked barely able to stand. Guy smirked and said "When you weren't looking, I swapped your steaks with... TOFU!!!" Of course tofu is like kryptonite to manly men, which explains why it was making us pass-out. "I knew we couldn't trust you guy, the Mexican half of you was destined to betray us at the most dramatic point possible from the start." Magickus yelled before falling to the ground. Guy then went and took all our MP3 players. "Now you'll never be able to find the way, the "Rocky Mountain WAY without Joe Walsh!" Guy said throwing them over the cliff. "Little did you know, I had been working with Binary the entire time. Binary has a plan to make an entire farm of hooker trees, and he's going to cut me in on the profits." Guy then opened up his backpack and revealed that Binary had been hiding in there the whole time. Binary, is of course an angry buff midget who is always trying to start hooker farms, but always failing due to the fact he's an angry buff midget. Before we could even try to fight back, Guy had started climbing back up the mountain with Binary on his back. We just watched as disappeared from our sight, and soon we had all collapsed on the ground. End Part 1 :pinkiegasm:

Part 2 No amount of struggling was going counter the effects of the tofu. The pussy virus was already flowing through our veins. Corvette even started to grow miniature vaginas all over his face, since he just had to have a second steak, and the extra tofu was turning him into a literal pussy. We were stuck just laying there with no hope in sight, then Corvette said something we should have thought of instantly "What would Bruce Campbell do?" That was it, the answer was before us the whole time. Then in unison, we yell out "A training montage with lots of close ups and jump cuts followed by an awesome catch-phrase at the end!!!" *Cue training montage music* We did thirty solid minutes of training montages, and we slowly but surely got our strength back each time the imaginary camera cut back to us. After we spouted off our manly catch-phrases, we were fully healed of the pussy virus. I went for the classic "Groovy," while Corvette, Rammite, and Magickus went for an "All for one and one for all" type deal, but with dragon dildos instead of swords. Thanks to the power of training montages, when we were done, we were even more buff and manly than we were before Guy had poisoned us. "How are we going to catch up to Guy, he has a good thirty minutes on us?" Corvette asked stroking his chin. "Better yet, how are we going to find the legendary hooker tree without Joe Walsh's 'Rocky Mountain Way' to lead the... way" I asked before being interrupted by Magickus. "Air band." That was all Magickus had to say, because in that second we knew exactly what we had to do, and we all started air rocking as hard as humanly possible. The power of the air band started making Joe Walsh's "Rocky Mountain Way" play all around us, and then we even started floating into the air. The harder we rocked, the faster we flew up into the sky. Soon we were flying faster than we could have ever climbed at even our fastest pace. "At this rate we'll catch up to Guy" Rammite said stopping his air rocking for a brief second. "Just keep your focus on playing those drums, Rammy baby." I said while doing my wicked awesome guitar solo. It didn't take long before we saw the peak of the mountain grow closer and closer. Though, when we got to the top, we saw that we were in fact too late. The hooker tree had been cut down, and Binary was standing there with axe in hand. Before any of us could comment, Magickus pulled out that grape drink margarita he had brought with him. "Is that what I think it is" Guy said not breaking eye contact with the grape drink margarita. "Indeed it is, Guy. I knew your Mexican half was going to betray us, so I planned ahead." Magickus said throwing the grape drink margarita off the side of the mountain. Guy then jumped after the grape drink margarita yelling "GRAAAAPPPEEEE DRRRIIINNNKKK!!!" Without Guy to protect him, Binary was defenseless. We all started to close in on Binary to get our revenge. "One step closer and I'll use this." Binary said revealing that he had a copy of Twilight. "No, not that, anything but that." I cried out in pure fear. Rammite did some quick thinking and pulled out a dragon dildo and threw it like a javelin into Binary's mouth. The dragon dildo blocked his airways, and Binary was soon choking to death. After a couple of minutes of spasming on the ground, Binary was dead. Corvette then kicked his body off of the mountain, and watched it vanish from sight. After a while, the realization that the hooker tree had been cut down set in, and our feeling of victory turned into defeat. "Was this quest just a waste of time" Rammite said wiping a single manly tear from his eye. We just stood there in silence for at least a good minute until we heard a loud voice coming from down the mountain. "Who dares cut down my hooker tree." The voice said getting closer and louder. It wasn't long before the mystery voice revealed its self, because before us stood Joe Walsh. "It wasn't us, it was an angry midget named Binary who cut down your tree." I said trying to reason with Joe Walsh. "Where is this angry midget then, all I see four buff dudes?" Joe Walsh questioned. "Dammit Corvette, why did you have to push his body off the mountain?" Magickus said punching Corvette in the shoulder. "You dare try and fool Joe Walsh? For that you'll die!" Joe Walsh said shooting lightning from his finger tips. We all fell to the ground in pain, and we were sure that we were going to die. That was until Guy came out of nowhere, and jumped on Joe Walsh's back. "Guy, I thought you had betrayed us." Magickus said still paralyzed from the lightning. "You forget that I'm also half black, which means I have to sacrifice myself in the last moment to save a bunch of white people." Guy said forcing Joe Walsh closer to the edge of the mountain. Rammite using his last bit of strength threw his last remaining dragon dildo to Guy. "Dragon dildos, my only weakness" Joe Walsh cried out in fear. Guy then stabbed the dragon dildo into Joe Walsh's heart, and they both fell off the mountain. We crawled our way over to the edge of the mountain, and there we saw the dead bodies of Guy and Joe Walsh smashed upon the rocks. "No hooker tree and three people died all because of this stupid man quest." Corvette said dropping to his knees. "No wait, we never needed the hooker tree in the first place. There are plenty of hookers for us to pay for sex that don't grow on trees." I said in a moment of clarity. "He's right, maybe it's more about the journey than the destination anyways." Rammite said slowly standing to his feet. We then held hands and skipped down the mountain together, and Binary, Guy, and Joe Walsh were never heard from again. Then we all got laid, expect for Dualjay, who died in a semen lube based fire, since Rammite had tied him up in that bondage device, and he couldn't escape. THE END!!! :pinkiegasm: